Critique Thread

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okay rate this sentence:

yf rtrb arcp 4tt

>an undeniably obvious attempt to impress someone with her style

you already told your reader this with descriptors, don't come out and say it like that, it's just juvenile

Jesus Christ this is bad

Hello, I am the writer of Flashbrid the Vampire.

It is a famous meme and I wrote a new page.

Let me see what you like.

Okay, edited it a little, changed/removed some lines and changed the blogs theme

3/10 keep postan

thanks, ill take advice to heart.

Let me know what you think. I just started writing this a couple minutes ago. I always jump between story ideas, but I'm hoping if the start sounds good, I might actually finish it.

>pastebin.com/HCgmispa

He had reached the point, as was typical of those in his demographic, where the resentment and aimlessness he had felt throughout his life began progressing and mutating into the sinister, advanced forms of themselves, and at last, he became wholly dissatisfied with life. The existential despair which had tauntingly danced at the fringes of his being for most of his young adult life had finally settled as a gaping hole in the center of his self. Aware of the cliché of his situation, but powerless to transcend it, he attempted to fill the void in a very American way, through self-improvement, and the first manifestation of his newfound mindset was to read philosophy. He reasoned that his case was not unique, and the concentrated thoughts of great thinkers from humanity’s history could probably shed some illumination onto the miserable conditions of his own existence. He started as far back in the annals of western thought as he could, with the stoics, progressing through the timeline of history until arriving at the existentialists, structuralists, post-structuralists, and beyond into the modern tangents of Object Oriented Ontology and the like. At the end of his binge, he laid on his bed, surrounded by stacks and stacks of books, and found himself no more content than he was before. But despite his frustrated, sluggish fatigue, he still had the drive to keep going. The primary texts, while interesting, had not sufficiently assuaged his desire to no longer be living, so he turned his sights to secondary texts. He devoured every academic journal and dissertation he could get his hands on; read the great syntheses of all of the texts he had just pored over. Summaries, comparisons, updates, revisions. He was reading philosophy on philosophy.

I like it.

I laughed at the end. I don't know if that was the purpose.

Thanks. Laughing is an appropriate reaction, although the ending isn't really complete. I was planning on writing a short story in the vein of Borges, with increasing layers, like reading books on books on books on books, but couldn't really think of a way to make it interesting so I just stopped there. Might expand on it sometime but can't really be bothered right now

>pastebin.com/eVty0VL0

Let me know what you think.

I think you just deleted then reposted it in order to bump the thread and get attention.

No this was another story I wrote.

The other one I only put up for an hour because it was my first time using pastebin other than a reader.

i read the first paragraph. i would suggest you reread it out loud to yourself or to someone else. there's an obvious error in it i find baffling has escaped your scrutiny even after, as you say, a fifth edit.

i found the prose too purple for my liking. also, the first sentence of the second graph is not a complete sentence. it is easily fixed, but how it has escaped five edits is not a good sign. i'd say you have a ways to go to meet publishing standards, but good luck with your writing, mate.

This is just another beginning. I always lose my train of thought. I can never decide how to make the story go forward.

>pastebin.com/mg6BW8Sc

It was definitely the same story.

lose your train of thought? there's simple way to fix this. use that common technique writers use. it goes something like this:

WRITE IT DOWN

what i think maybe your issue is here is you do not have stories. you have ideas for stories that do not hold up after scrutiny. or possibly, you are not fully equipped yet with the know-how to write a full story. i suggest reading some books on the craft and continue practicing. again, good luck with the writing, mate.

ok buddy, which is why I posted a couple more that are completely different.

I understand.

I think definitely that I just have ideas and not actual stories. Every time I actually analyze what I'm writing about, it never holds up.

pastebin.com/NrP1s6f7
You might think this a Meme , or a bait, or an XD ironic. But its not. and i know that doesn't hold up through text very well, but if you could see my expression, or if i could express to you the sincerity with which im handling the subject, spoiler, its the Aut and the modern autist, you might be convinced otherwise.

mate, i think you've outstayed your welcome. while your writing endeavors are commendable, people quickly lose interest in reading an unaccomplished writer. this isn't a self-help group or one to get people to freely critique or even read your unpublished work. you have a lot of work to do. i would also suggest freshening up or taking a few weeks off of writing fiction to focus on grammar. there are glaring mistakes only novices make. again, good luck with your writing, but, please, don't continue posting until you've either completed a story or made headway in style, grammar, and substance.

Yeah, for now it's a hobby so I have plenty of room to grow