/jokes/

Lonely

Knock knock.

the best of posted on lit recently

>What am I?

possessed by anima

A girl and a boy, both young, sensual, and full of hormones, walk through the dense forest. At the countryhouse lives girl's father, an old and conservative man, so boy got absolute zero pussy while staying there: but now, in this impenetrable grove, there is a perfect opportunity.
"Hey, Anna, do you want to screw for a bit?"
"Sure", girl exitedly answers.
The boy clears out a bit of undergrowth and starts pulling down his pants; the girl is already undressed. Suddenly, he feels a terrible urge to pee.
"Sorry, I gotta take a leak, will be back in thirty seconds!"
"No, Ivan, I'm naked and don't you know that Fast Gonzales lives in these woods? As soon as you are gonna he is gonna, you know."
"Ok, sure, I'll just turn my back and pee here."
"He is named Fast Gonzales not for nothing!"
"Seriously? Alright, I'll turn my back, pee, and stick a finger in your cunt so that he doesn't start anything funny."
The guy turns his back and blindly sticks a finger into fast Gonzales' asshole.

I bet you post this on every board. My emotions aren't your playthings, faggot.

6 AM, a ring at the door. A middle-aged man gets up from bed, grunts, puts on his bathrobe, wobbles a bit because of his terrible hangover and walks to the door, muttering curses all the way. It could be neighbors, his son, cheating wife, some guy from working checking if he's sick, police... He opens and there stands Death.
- That's all? - there's relief in his words.
- That's all.

Two gays are fucking bareback. The top sounds like he is about to come, but suddenly, he speaks in a hushed, apologetic voice:
- John, I've been meaning to tell you something... I have HIV.
- What the fuck?
- I kid, i kid, i just like when your sphincter puckers.

"911, what's your emergency?"
"Yes, this is Dog!"

Bullshit. Everybody knows that boxing proficiency has a direct inverse proportionality to social class.
Russians, Irish, American blacks, Flips--all great boxers.

He:
- Sweetie, there is no need for tales of "you are my second guy". You are mathematician, after all, you should remember numbers well.
She:
- 5!
He:
- That's counting me?
She:
- That's a factorial.

I seriously laughed out loud at this one.

Why can't black people get their PhDs?
They can't get past their masters.

How do you blindfold an Asian person?
With floss.

How do you get a white kid to throw a tantrum?
Mention white privilege.

Damn this got me

Dear fuck that image is unsettling.

It's not a joke. It's a waste of time.

Three men are marooned on an island. The island happens to be home to a tribe of vicious and strangely stoic cannibals, and one day the three men unfortunately get captured by them. The cannibals are debating whether or not the men are good to eat, and the men beg for their lives. The chief, in a rare act of benevolence, tells them that they will be spared if they can prove themselves to be strong like his tribe's warriors, who are stonefaced and calm no matter the situation.

The chief says there are two parts to the test, the first of which is for each of them to search the island and gather ten of the best specimens of one type of fruit. If the chief deems all the fruits to be worthy, the second part will begin. He informs the men that his tribe loves the thrill of the hunt, and attempting to run away will end in a gruesome death. The three men are released, and they all search the island frantically for the best fruits.

After a day of searching, one of the men returns to the tribe's camp with ten ripe red apples. The chief asks him where the other two men are, and he says that one of them was not far behind him. The man gives the apples to the chief, who examines each one, and is pleased with what the man found.

The chief then tells him the second part of the test can begin, and informs the man that he must insert all ten fruits into his anus without showing any emotion on his face. The man, shocked, believes this to be a cruel joke, but the chief solemnly reminds the man of his other option.

Having no other choice, the man fearfully begins the second part of the test.
>1, 2, 3...
Upon trying to fit the fourth apple into his anus, the man winces horribly and let's out a shriek of pain. The chief deems him to be frail and weak, and the tribe kills him and eats him.

Not long after, the second man returns to the camp, carrying ten ripe red cherries. The chief asks him where the third man is, and the man states that he was not far behind him. The chief, pleased by the cherries, reveals the second part of the test to him. The man suddenly throws back his head and lets out a roar of laughter, which continues until tears are streaming down his face. The chief deems him to be a pathetic fool, and the tribe kills him and eats him too.

The second man ends up meeting the first man in limbo. The first man says that he saw the second man take the test, and was dumbfounded by what he saw.
>What the hell is wrong with you? You could have made it! You only had cherries! I had to shove apples up my ass! Why the hell did you laugh?!

The second man turns to the first and says
>The other guy was carrying pineapples.

This made me spit out my water but I can't figure out why it's so good

Is that a real book? That's actually the most retarded thing I've ever read.

Makes me sad that someone is earning money on that shit.

A duck and two massive african-american transgender women named Clarissa and Eldera walk into a bar. The duck says to the bar tender: "I'll take a whisky, please."
The bartender pours him his drink and gives it to him.
"How will you be paying, sir?"
The duck says "just put it on my bill!"

Black woman has five kids. Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?

Their last names.

How do you fail at baiting?
Make this post.

DELET THIS

why?

He's not wrong.

A little boy walks into a doctor's office. The female psychologist behind a desk smiles at him and offers him a seat.

"Hello, Billy," she says. "Today we're going to test you for autism. Are you ready?"

"Sure."

"I'm going to tell you a joke, so listen very carefully. There was once a panda who lived beside a waterfall in China. Pandas are lazy and can't swim, but he wanted to see what was at the top of the waterfall very badly. 'Boy,' thought the panda. 'I sure wish I had a ladder to get up there.' The panda spent a week trying to think up ways to reach the top. He tried climbing the rocks, but they were too slippery, and he fell down. He tried convincing passing cranes to fly him up there, but they were too busy migrating. He even tried building a boat out of reeds, but the water was too powerful, and he couldn't paddle fast enough, and the waterfall broke his boat on the rocks. So he just sat back on the grass staring at the mighty waterfall for a long time. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, and said, 'Ah, shoot!'"

Billy burst out laughing, and laughed so hard he wiped a tear from his eye.

Overjoyed, the doctor smiled and patted his shoulder. "Congratulations, Billy," she said. "You don't have autism."

Maybe Maples are just trees with diabetes. That'd be fucked.

Meta

What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

#fukinrektm80

Five niggers in a Cadillac drive off a cliff to their deaths. What's wrong with this picture?

Answer: Goddamn Cadillac holds six.

>definitely
Hahah funniest so far

What about "You?" Me? Or you, the self? I am you and you are me. We are ourselves. The self is us. Nothing exists, not even one thing at all. All things are one and no things are all. Truly, you tell me, this is the truth.

I was laughing so hard trying to read this out to my gf she didn't even laugh. No class

You've all probably heard this one before.

>Rodney's playing blackjack
>He's losing terribly
>The next hand is dealt:
>4 and a 9
>God speaks to Rodney:
>>"Take another card"
>Rodney takes a hit, it's a 6.
>>"Take another card."
>"Are you sure God?"
>>"Take another card."
>He gets a 9.
>>"Fuck!"

Is the joke that Fast Gonzales is so fast he was able to intercept the finger with his asshole?

Correct hahahahahahha. I'm still laughing at this. I didn't post it either

The joke is what you make it for the author is dead.

Into a bar walks a Muslim, a nigger, and a Communist. Astonished, the bartender says, "It's an honor, Mr President."

A zookeeper is checking up on the gorilla encosure. He sees a single gorilla, in the corner. The gorilla looked incredibly sad. The zookeeper went up to the gorilla and asked, "Why are you so upset?"

The gorilla replied, "Because in a million years I'll be a nigger."

This is actually a bit funny, unlike the rest.

...

lma o

Ranking.
Deconstructing the concept of worldplay joke is amusing but not funny. 3/10
I posted it, it's dumb but alright for parties. 6/10
I posted it, one of my favorites, although a lot of charm is lost in translation. 9/10
I posted it. It's shit unless read aloud, in which case it's okay at best. 2/10
It's an elder meme, but it checks out. 1/10
I posted it. Subpar but good for a cheap laugh. Doesn't linger, can't be told. 3/10
Those jokes don't have a lot of build-up and can only work very rapid-fire. You need 10+ quality ones for that, though. 4/10
I adore those long-winded ones, although the ending is a bit rushed. 9/10
Deconstructing un-PC jokes can work, but not with a simple bait-and-switch. 2/10
Again, you need a critical mass of those, but this one is alright. 5/10
Gave me autism. 3/10
Sounds like an edgier John green quote. 1/10
I mean come on this thread is deteriorating 1/10
An oldie, not sure about the goodie. Doesn't use any negro-related stereotypes - eh. 2/10
Nice, a snicker joke, which are always appreciated. 7/10
Old template, doesn't bring anything new to the table. 2/10
That's how you do a un-PC joke - and it lingers, which i consider a great quality. 8/10

Q: What's the difference between a woman arguing and a knife?

A: A knife has a point.

at first i thought the punchline would relate to the lack of a hyphen (20 five year olds instead of twenty-five year olds)

Are you seriously handing out credit and critique for jokes on Veeky Forums and making sure to take credit for yours? Strike that. I know that's what you're doing, but are you taking yourself seriously while doing it?

Kruschev surprises a lackey working at his cluttered desk, deep inside the bowels of the Kremlin.

"Comrade Kruschev! What an honor! How may I be of help?"

"Well you see Ivan, I must ask, how long it would take Camel to walk from Vladivostok to Arkhangelsk?"

Comrade Ivan thinks furiously, his brow knit in concentration, beads of vodka flavored sweat coalescing on his his chest and wetting his stiff, poorly tailored, wool tunic. He must give Comrade Kruschev a good answer.

"Being of over four years, Comrade Kruschev?"

"Hahaha, wrong my dear, you see, Camel would be of eaten by illiterate peasant before reaching even half-way! Hahahaha!"

Comrade Ivan can't stand the anxiety anymore and faints. Kruschev walks off, happily whistling a Crimean folk song.

btw camel is on the coat of arms of chelyabinsk, it's a russian city somehow roughly in between arkhangelsk and vladivostok (unless you go how the crow flies)

i suppose it was that city where they ate the poor camel

here is a commemorative coin to mark that event

They're called "Time Flies" and they like arrows.

"Time flies like an arrow" is an expression meaning time passes quickly.

The "Time Flies" like arrows (as in they enjoy a good arrow), therefore they take it. It's a play on words and a popular proverb.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Are you Russian, Kit-Kat?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Brunette and a Blonde are sitting in a train compartment together when suddenly they go through a tunnel and all becomes dark. A loud smack is heard and once the train leaves the tunnel the Frenchman is left rubbing his face in agony.

The Brunette thought: "I bet that dirty Frenchman felt up that Blonde so she smacked him as she should."

The Blonde thought:"I bet that dirty Frenchman felt up that Blonde so she smacked him. Why didn't he touch up me instead?"

The Frenchman thought:"I bet that Englishman touched up one of those girls, they thought it was me to slapped me instead."

The Englishman thought:"I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that bloody Frenchman again."

The black politican was giving a speech. Suddenly a man shouts:

>Get the fuck out, you piece of coal!

The politician replies:

>The piece of coal so precious to us. It moves our factories and makes our nation great.

A few seconds later into the speech the man shouts again:

>Shut up you ugly crow!

Keeping his posture the negro says:

>The crow so deeply magnificent. The smartest among birds, builds his house and loves his family just like us!

The next time the man insulted him he got mad:

>Ugly old black monkey!

To which he angrily replied:

>Who the fuck said that?

This explanation made me chuckle.

Dr. Watson decided to cure Sherlock of his tobacco habit but after his numerous talks with his friend failed he decided to switch tactics. Every morning the doctor would wake up early, get Sherlock's morning pipe and stick it up his ass. This would surely bring some nasty undertones to his friends morning smoking rouitine and he would soon give it up.

Weeks pass by and Sherlock never even consideres quitting smoking while doctor can't start his day without his morning pipe...

That's the point. The original punchline is "there's twenty of them"

Why was K_2,2,2,1 barred from entering the Mobius Strip Club?

He was a forbidden minor :^)

LMAO

A man walks into an empty yet clean bar and sits at the counter. The barman puts a drink in front of him and says:
-do you know who I am?
-no
-my name is Paul Preston

the client looks warily around at the empty tables and chairs and back at the barman
-Your bar seems nice. Why is it so empty?
the barman answers:
-"you see this counter? I built it myself. Sawed, nailed, glued, polished. You think people in the street see me and go "oh, there's Paul Preston, he built his own bar counter"? No, they don't.
And you see this bar stool beneath your ass? I built it myself. Sawed, nailed, glued, polished. I built all the fucking barstools of this bar. You think people say "hey, that's Paul Preston. So much of a perfectionist that he built all the barstools in his bar". No. They don't say that when they see me.
But if you fuck a goat even once they find something to say about you."

This should be a general.

A nigger, a chink, a nip, a wop, a kike, a red, and a honkey are marching through the woods hunting when all of a sudden the nigger lets out a scream and falls to the floor as if dead.

"Oh no," says the Jew. "What will we do." And he brings out his phone and calls 911. "Hello, my Negro friend just appears to have died."

"Ok, sir, can you tell me what happened?" says the lady on the other end.

"We were just out hunting, and he fell to the ground!"

"OK, first, can you make sure that he's dead?"

"OK," he says, and the lady hears a loud gunshot over the phone. "What next?"

Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven hundred eighty nine.

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, except when it's a smoking hot cock in your mouth.

>Five niggers in a Cadillac
>Doesn't use any negro-related stereotypes

A slutty woman dies and ends up at Heaven's Gates, awaited by God and St. Peter.

God notices her and says: "My daughter, you have sinned a great deal in life, from commiting adultery to being rebellious and unpious. However, you also made many happy and did some good so maybe, since I am not unreasonable, I will forgive some of your wrongdoings".

She answers: "Thank you, O Lord, I have always tried my best to-"

God cuts her off: "Unbelievable! She's talking out of line again! Peter, are you writing this down?"

...

>If there's one board that will provide the best jokes, it's this one
the premise needs to be funny, I'm not sure about this one OP

I saw a black guy walking down the street with a TV. I thought, "is that mine?" Then I remembered, mine was shining my shoes.

An electron, a proton, and a neutron walk into a bar. They all get their drinks and go to pay. The bartender refuses the neutron's money and says
>For you, no charge.

One atom turns to another and says
>I think I lost an electron.
The second says
>Really? Are you sure?
The first replies
>I'm positive.

A physicist, a biologist, and a statistician are hunting deer in the woods. They find a good target and attempt to shoot it. The physicst does some calculations and takes his shot, but misses by 1 meter to the left. The biologist takes note of the deer's movement patterns, then takes his shot, but misses by 1 meter to the right. The statistician drops his gun, throws his arms in the air and yells
>We got him!

I dont get it?

This thread is damning, Veeky Forums. So little actual humor.

There's a guy. He sits in his chair all day long and waits for the day he will become a hero. He sharpens his blade, he cleans his gun, he checks his stock, and he reads his book. He repeats these steps each and every day, never making a new move in his routine. He wakes up and he checks the window, waiting for someone to walk by, so he can know if it is the right time to start. Each and every day he waits for someone to walk by for five minutes, before starting his routine. One day he decides that the time has come and he reads his book for the final day. He wakes up, sharpens his blade, cleans his gun, and then walks outside with weapon in hand. He shoots a mockingbird and laughs at his work. He stands there and he boasts about his hard work of killing the mockingbird, but he is the only one laughing. A woman walks by and sees the man standing over the bird triumphantly, and walks away in disgust. A man walks forward and he sees the poor creature, basking in its false glory. A child walks by and shouts in anger, "Why would you do that?! Don't you know it's a sin to kill a Mockingbird?" The guy continues to laugh at his victory. The guy laughs until the sun sets and then he fills a chill in his spine. He looks around and becomes frightened of the dark, so he steps back. He slips on the bird, and starts screaming uncontrollably. His screams so much that he wakes all of the quiet folk awake. They stare out their window in confusion at the seemingly crazed man. The proud prince no longer boasts of his triumph, now he only screams in agony at the sight of his war. The man places his gun on the ground vertically, leans on it, and pulls the trigger. The boy from before walks towards the man, who is accompanied by the woman, and all three stare at the grim sight before them. The boy asks, "Is this what happens if you kill a mockingbird, Dad?" The father replies, "Yes, this is what happens you kill commit a sin." The mother sheds a single tear, not for the guy, but for the bird, laying there cold and forgotten. The woman cradles the bird and brings it to their house, where she buries it in the yard. "Maybe next time he'll be able to make more music." she says. The guy who laid on his gun, convulsed and apologized, then he split into as many birds as he could. But these were not mockingbirds, these were vultures. The family and the quiet folk stood and stared, they pitied the man, and the birds he feathered. Soon they heard a chirp and flutter, to which each and every vulture descended upon. They killed the mockingbird once more, and then surrounded the quiet folk who stood in fear. "See, the mockingbirds are violent creatures. You should thank us for our time, we saved you after all." The man steps forward protecting his family, "That mockingbird did nothing wrong and you know it. You vultures are the real problem. You ravage those who want to live in peace, you're scum, the lot of you."
cont.

The vultures stood back, crying and butchered, "Don't you know your words will hurt us?" one cried. "Don't you know you're more harm than good?" said the boy, who glared angrily at the vultures. "Everyone was fine until you showed up." exclaimed a woman in the back. "Don't mock us!" screamed one of the scavengers sobbing uncontrollably. "We need protection, not those damn birds." The vultures flew, they flocked to the right, within minutes of their crime, they were out of sight. A bird swooped down, it chirped and it pecked. It said, "That's what you get. That's what you get." The quiet folk smiled, they praised the mockingbird, and they went on with their lives, never saying a word.

What's the joke you ask?
Look in this thread and look around you.

That neutron was a big guy.

What the fuck

An old lady was feeling lonely, so she walked down to a pet shop for a new pet. She browsed the shop for some time looking at all the animals before becoming infatuated with a beautiful parrot. She bought it on the spot and took it home.

As soon as they got home the parrot starts cussing her the fuck out. Fuck you, fuck this house, you're a cunt, etc. The old lady puts up with this for some time until she gets tired of it and says, "If you curse at me one more time, I'll put you in the freezer for an hour."
The parrot looks her dead in the eye and says "eat shit", so she picks it up and whisks it into the freezer.

After an episode or two of Matlock, the lady gets up and opens the freezer door.
"Did you learn your lesson?" she asks
"Yeah," says the parrot, shivering, "But I have one question. What'd the chicken do?"

WE SNOKIN PENISES!!!

I heard about this thing called life ...

Oh, shut up.

these are terrible jokes amigos

you should all be ashamed

I think the point is that the audience won't get it because there's no punchline. But the psychologist says that because the kind laughed, he doesn't have autism.Therefore if you don't get it, you have autism.

Congradulations

The punchline is that the panda suddenly realized after all that effort that he could easily construct a ladder out of the bamboo shoots that pandas consume.

Congratulations, you both have autism. ;)

what do you call a guy who is hated by the church but destroys evidence for them?

an abortion doctor.

How much land is livable in the newest province of Canada?

What about the straddling and thumb bit

“What did the Cockney exclaim to the cowboy from San Antonio?"

t. Pynchon

kek

don't know.

you laugh at it but

>he was destroyed!

is a good punchline