Rewrite a passage from your favorite author as if Donald Trump were saying it

Rewrite a passage from your favorite author as if Donald Trump were saying it

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youtube.com/watch?v=w-McIdVuY88
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Jeb is a sick man...Jeb is a spiteful man. Jeb is a big, fat mistake.

So Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning, had some bad dreams, and guess what: he's a giant insect! Can you believe that? Cuz I sure can't. Just STUPID. ask anybody and they'll tell ya just how dumb I think that is.

America used to have the best of times. Now we have worst times. Believe me. Let me tell you. People call. People call and say, "it's the worst of times." Worst of times, people. This is a problem. We used to have the best of times. Now we have to worst of times. Everyday I say we should have the best of times. But it's the worst of times.

youtube.com/watch?v=w-McIdVuY88

This is very good. Just add the word "tremendous" somewhere and it's perfect.

It is an ancient Mexican
and he stoppeth one of three,
'By thy tall wall and hands so small,
got any jobs for me?'

The White House doors are opened wide,
and i am going in
The Dems in fret, can't stump me yet:
May'st see i'm going to win.

He holds me with his sweaty hand,
'Bernie can win' he said
'Hold off! unhand me, migrant loon!'
Eftsoons, dropped out, did Ted.

He holds him with his Muslim stare -
The Donald stood straight still,
and did accuse the Mexican
of being Clinton's shill

The Donald sat down on a stone
That washed up on the shore
And thus spake on that ancient man:
'We don't win anymore'

'God harm thee, ancient Mexican!
You should be earning less!
Why criest thou then?' - On CNN
You said that Jeb's a Mess.

INELUCTABLE MODALITY OF AMERICA: AT LEAST THAT IF NO MORE, thought through my eyes. Signatures of all walls I am here to build, desertspawn and desertweed, the nearing sand, that rusty sombrero. Pissyellow, cokewhite, tequilla: coloured signs. Limits of the Chihuahuan. But he adds: in bodies. Then he was aware of them immigrants before of them coloured. How? By knocking his sconce against them, for sure, fore. Go easy, people. Lascivious he was and a millionaire, bombardo di deserto di Muslimano. Limit of the Chihuahuan in. Why in? Chihuahuan, Achihuahuan. If you can put your five fingers through it, it is a gate, if not a wall. Shut your eyes and see, ladies and gentlemen.

>as if Donald Trump were saying it
>saying it

Fuck you, he's saying it inside his head.

I like this one, is it Trump channeled through the medium of a cuckold?

>implying Trump knows words with more than two syllables

It's the truth. Everybody knows it. --single-- Men, in this country, with alotta money, a lot!, want one thing: a wife! A hot wife. Let me tell you

pride and prejudice

kek, bretty good senpai

Sad!

When Indians charge us, they're not sending their best. These Indians are rapists. They're murderers. A few are wearing stolen armour and they're all charging right at us. And some, I assume, are good people.

shut up! shut the hell up! don't you see i am suffering too?

So really, freedom of the will, it just really means nothing, ok? But look, it means nothing but the capacity to make these great decisions with knowledge of the subject, alright?

We really don't get how badly we're being ripped off by this, ok? By selling his, hard eared by the way, labour to the capitalist, the poor workers, who I have so much sympathy for by the way, obtains a right only to the price of that great labour, not to the product of his great labour, nor to the great value which his great labour has added to it, ok?

These terrible capatilists, we don't even know how much we're getting ripped off by them, ok? Those capitalists get so rich, it's theft by the way, not like the misers, in proportion to his personal labour, which is so reduced from its worth, and restricted consumption, but at the same rate as they squeeze out the labour-power of other great Americans, and enforce on the labourer abstinence, really just terrible, from all America’s great enjoyments. It is such a rip off for us, it really is, you don't even know how hard you're getting ripped off folks.

Sir Torres, law violater d'amores, fr'over the big wall, had passencore rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy boarder of Meheeco Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war.

Look, what I'm trying to say is, ok, how young the whole of human history still is, that, and, and how ridiculous, how so totally ridiculous, it would really be to attempt to ascribe, I mean ascribe, any absolute validity to our present views, ok?

Best in thread.

I know business folks, I know business I know how these things work, believe me. See, what I'm saying, is, what I'm saying is capital, see I mean Capital, it's dead labour. Capital, is what I'm saying, it's really just dead labor that, ok, vampire-like people, only lives by sucking living labour, these poor Americans who work everyday for nothing for these cheap bureaucrats, ok, that capital, it just lives the more, the more labour it sucks. Ok? We don't know how hard we're getting ripped off.

Ok, so, what I'm saying, is, the more this, terrible rip off, terrible, it's just terrible, capital, this rip off, succeeds in prolonging the working day, for my fellow Americans, the greater, look all the greater, the amount of other American peoples’, hard working American people's. labour it will appropriate, ok?

Economy of time, look the economy of time, precious time, time we all need, we all need time, to this economy, the time, all economy ultimately reduces itself. That's our time, ok?

What is it from?

Ideas, ok? Ideas, people, ok, by ideas I mean great deas, totally great ideas, I have plenty of good ideas, but those ideas, great ideas, do not exist separately from language

Look, money, and when I mean money, I mean money, ok? I have plenty of money, I have a lot of money, there is just so much money, no longer represents the commodity, ok, but the commodity, money, ok?

If the commodity, which is terrible, just poor ok? There's too much terrible commodity, ok? People, if the commodity cannot be realized in money, good money, a lot of money, I mean a LOT of money, it ceases to be capable of circulating, circulating here there, you know, everywhere, and that commodities price becomes merely imaginary. Ok? People it is such a rip off, it's not worth the price, we are getting so ripped off.

top brekkek kekkek

Listen, ok, a nation, I mean a nation with success, ok, strong successful people who work hard, ok, is truly wealthy, I mean wealthy, what do you mean I say wealthy I mean like wealthy ok, when a nation, ok, when a nation is successful, ok, I mean successful, like really successful, ok, when a nation is successful its working day, hard working day, is 6 rather than 12 hours, then it becomes successful as a nation, ok? People, ok, how do you think I got rich, ok? We are going to be so successful folks.

Believe me.

Money, people. Money makes the world go around people. Money is everything, ok? Money is great, I have a lot of money, plenty of money, I have so money, we're going to have so much money, ok? So, look, ok, money, ok? Money, look money I have plenty of it, I have so much money, there's so much money, I've learned, ok, money is the supreme good, therefore, ok, its possessor, I have plenty of possessions, I own so many possessions and properties, we're going to own so many possessions and properties, ok, so its possessions, ok, I have plenty of, its possession is good, and, ok, the possession is good only when the money is good, I mean really good, you won't believe it folks, believe me, ok? Money, besides, ok, saves, we're going to make so much savings, ok, money saves me the trouble of being dishonest: I am therefore presumed honest, ok?

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of immigrants

Ok, so, when I mean property, I own a lot of property, I own so much property, ok? I own a lot of property, ok? So, when I mean property, believe me, ok I know what I'm talking about, ok, believe ME. Ok, so, listen, people, we are getting so ripped off, ok, people, landlords’ right, when I mean landlords I mean like me, ok, but there are bad ones out there, ok? Those bad guys, we are getting so ripped off folks, those bad ones, it, by it I mean land owning, ok, but the bad ones, ok? The land owning, ok, listen, people, ok, it, the land owning, ok, it has its origin in robbery! We are getting so ripped off folks, ok?

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Let me tell ya bout my article, listen, yer gonna love this, so there are some people, fabulous people, I love them, I really do, really great guys, so these people, let me tell ya, can just ignore morals, just ignore them, just like that, ignore them.
And you should hear the phone call, they love me, they really do, and the letters too, they really are so grateful for my article.

Is he, by he I mean me, ok. I am a well defined American human being, I am very successful ok. I ave a lot of power, ok? So, look, people, is he, like me, who has power, like me, ok, over the clever, like me, ok, not more clever, like me, ok, than the clever, like me, ok?

>There is such a gap between my favorite author and Trump's rhetoric that there would just be empty space.

I wanted to do something from Nixon but it would just be an overdone black people joke.

Because looking at Nixon's policies he's way too left for Donald.
Richard was anti-gun, pro-choice, opened up trade with China, keynesian, pro universal healthcare, pro universal basic income.
Nixon saw corporations/greed as a necessary evil. Started affirmative action.

"Can't Stump the Trump" is basically a weaker "Can't lick the dick"

Veeky Forums ladies and gentleman

It's dickens. literally one of the most famous opening lines