This... This fucking thing!

Even worse than that British thriller schlock or Roberto Pinchas?

Oh come on now. It's not always shilling; although now it definitely is. I'm still a bit butthurt about the Private Citizens fiasko, where a potential for discussion was foiled by a boy who cried shill.

nice, epic, I like it

Private Citizens was only dismissed as shilling after someone raised a stink over this board's negative reaction to it in spite of no one having read it with said person (you?) admitting to not having read it themselves. But really, that book was about cheap millennial stereotypes, so of course it'd be hated even if it was superficially pointing out their flaws. It was a publisher's wet dream and little else.

you're going to have a hard time convincing anyone that this isn't damage control.

Sounds decent enough and it's fairly well written from what I saw from the preview, don't know, might give it a read later.

layers of salami

What the FUCK is happening itt

Someone post an excerpt and a proper summary

...Ok, OP. I'm still 99% sure that it's you, the writer shilling your own novel on here (poorly) but fair play to you, chapter 8 was legitimately hilarious.

ay, yo! OP here and no i didnt write it i just saw it on /b/ downloaded it and though it was funny as fuck.

anyway, here is a picture of Hitler in his 60's for the lulz

all me itt

i agree, but it also makes more sense/seems more applicable than most uses of cuck on this board.

Holy fuck this is bad, not entertainingly either. Is shill, avoid.
To the people wanting a summary, the first three chapters are literally just rambling thoughts from a miserable youngster. It's the stupid fucking threads from this board disguised as a book. It must just be straight up my diary cause no one would dream that this could be interesting if it wasn't their own internal monologue.

you're just embarrassing yourself now

Oh my god I skimmed ahead and it gets worse. There's literally a rant about how society today turns women into sex objects and about Jews. But not interesting, I know that sounds like it could be interesting, but this is below frog poster shit.

Here's an except that 8210956 asked about:

I hate all the people who only ever think and obsess about sex, and man, I thought my life was empty, one note and hollow... Forever trying to copulate with one another, and then multiply like sheep, and just like sheep or other dumb animals, they can never really seem to question why... or for what ends, and so they all "just do it". Typical flat cardboard people, everyone of them, two-dimensional mindless reproducers, drones all of them lacking any interesting or unique personalities or traits whatsoever.

Obviously, that's exactly what the world needs more of, right? yet more stupid, useless eaters! All sporadically sprayed across the unwilling face of the planet at random... The mass combined accumulation of all the loin-waste genetic material from a bunch of single track minded, two-legged viral diseases. Who's stupid mindless breeding continues to contaminate the entire world, with nothing but more space-taking, stupid mindless breeders.

So we're forever left wading through a slew of hereditarily amalgamated, all-consuming, walking, talking, TV watching earth polluting fungus, that likes nothing better than to use "credit cards" to "buy stuff" as they continue to aimlessly waddle around various shopping malls, looking for the next thing to buy or to eat ...and all thanks to the wonderful people who keep brainlessly popping out kids like their on some kind of fucking conveyor belt... as they ignorantly continue to replicate, and replicate, until sooner or later they finally purchase, consume, pollute then destroy, nearly every single thing left worth saving, and nothing whatsoever remains of the host...

I'm not that far yet, but I must admint its good.

link here: amazon.com/When-Its-Cold-Like-Die-ebook/dp/B00L06N77Q/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1466982356&sr=8-4&keywords=when its cold id like to die

click image for preview

Hahahahaha

lol, that is pretty fucking good lmao!

Edgy as fuck. Reads like something from the columbine shooter's journal

Holy flying fuck. You know your writing's bad when Psycho Mantis said it more eloquently.

>I must admit it's good
Just stop.

Oh god, the 2 "reviews" sound like they are part of the novel. This is really hilariously pathetic.

Hey dude, don't give up.
You're getting a lot of negative feedback here, which shouldn't surprise you because you are being an annoying as fuck shill, but the truth of the matter is you wrote and self published a book. You did a thing. Feel good about that.
Now just get better at it. Read more books and go outside and actually live in the world a bit. Stop thinking that putting your depressing as fuck internal monologue onto the page is good writing. We don't need you to tell us the world is shit. Nobody needs you to tell them that. Everyone fucking knows man. That is not your job as a storyteller. Your job is to give us something we need. That could be escapist fluff, but it could also be a reflection of the world being shit structured in an actually cathartic way. Read the books on one of those depressing literature charts, see how they make something compelling out of it.
Because you're right, we don't give a shit about you. We give a shit about what you create. Don't create a watered down version of you, create something greater than yourself.
And stop shilling.

All you guys ripping on this dude's work, do you want to post any of your own shit to compare?

I guarantee that you won't though, cause either:

(1) you have never written anything

(2) you have written something, but it sucks, went nowhere, or no one gives a shit because you are talentless

...lol,

>We give a shit about what you create.
Let's not lie to the poor bastard, no we don't.

OP this gets more embarrassing every post you make

...Point still stands, dude, and btw I'm not the OP

It's not even hard to get people to download your shit when it's free. You can get 250 or so downloads easy just by advertising something on a few places when it's free, which will make the rank appear impressive for a couple of days while it's still free. Meanwhile, 2-3 days later you'll be back to not being given a shit by anyone because people either sit on books they download for months or forget about them entirely unless they're like 10 pages long.

nah you definitely are, and i hope you really sit down and consider your life after this thread

Stop metashilling. We know it's you.

>multiply like sheep

Classic idioms!

... itt,

To the writer, if you are reading.

This forum is filled with the same, boring, talentless hack, wannabe writer losers as every other book forum, guys who never got anywhere, and so shit on anything because they were never talented enough to get anywhere themselves, pay no mind.

>same writing mannerisms as OP
I hope you're a troll.

>Here's an except that 8210956 asked about:

:-)

>writing mannerisms

lot of trolls and shitposting inthis thread and yes Veeky Forums is filled with usless losers that failed at writing and? so that's not news.

>unless theyre like 10 pages long

Not OP but i was hoping to upload a 25 page christmas story ive been working on this year...hesitant because of the amount of pages and whether people would go for it.

Is there a market for this?

Hey everyone, OP here. Just wanted to say that you're all, frankly, quasmodically jealous of my superiour skills because I can see no other reason you would be so needlessly cruel to a young, aspiring, and if I'm being honest, talented, writer. I'm sorry you fellas got Cs in your college comp classes but it's incumbent on you to recognize a beautiful budding flower when you see it on your path to cubicle-stasis. Now, I'm willing to accept apologies; or, if you have iron testicles, a sample of your indubitably immaculate prose.

I won't hold my breath for the latter. But the apologies will brighten my day.

(I also want to note that I was recognized for my talent at a very young age -- we're referring to elementary school here -- and my teacher, even my friends' parents, would regularly congratulate me on my precocious stories. I don't say this to brag but as a way of explaining why I have the right to say all this nonsense. I do, admittedly, pride myself on saying what others are too afraid to mention.)

reading some of the stuff in this thread and you can call me a shill or a troll or whatever. But I actually like the book so far, take that for what it is.

Stop shilling OP's shilling, shill. We all know you're not the real one.
YOU are.

the stuff in this novel is funny and entertaining so far, that's all i really care about

Most of you have gone full conspiracytard seeing shills in every post and shit.

if this isnt bait

kyself you pretentious sack of shit

>who the fuck needs to be able to write good literature to critique it

people can have their opinions on things and if you can't take it that someone is attacking a book ON Veeky Forums. ANONYMOUS POSTING FOR ALL. kyself.

why the fuck would you come to the Veeky Forums thread for some kind of validation on this book. We shit on anything and everything.

Such is life.

Find someone who agrees with something, you open yourself to find someone who doesn't.

Take your "great piece of work" and find someone who gives a shit enough to publish it, or shove it up your ass, oh wait, there isn't a physical copy.

ITT: WAY too much schoolgirl drama by whiners about all this.

Not OP, I'll admit that I was probably one of the first to dismiss the book as shit,
but I wanted to see how bad it was so I'm reading the thing out of shear curiosity.

Drum-roll...Truth is it's not shit, I'm at chapter ten now. That's all I'm saying.

I read the first 5 chapters. They are awful.

Bad writing in general, and bad story telling.

This is like every fucking stereotypical "The world is full of phonies, everyone's a phony" bullshit that an edgy teenager would write.

This is actual Kindle garbage.

Please do not reply to this and let this thread fucking die.

It seems like an endless circle jerk of the OP going, "Hey, thats pretty good" in order to have the thread stay relevant so he can promote his shitty book.

That's fine, but different opinions are a thing, you might want to rember that.

the hate-bitching in this thread from you crying babies is hilarious, you guys are being trolled. Hard.

i'm not a troll and i'm not trolling, I've read a bit already I enjoyed it. I didn't think it was shitty either.
So does that make me a shill/troll/OP too? its one thing to think something is bad, but to try and arbitrarily call anyone else out when they have a diffrent opinion to yours goes to show how fucked up some of you are.
I think that one guy was right some of you must have gone full conspiracy-tard at one point.

totally disagree with this actually if anything it reminds me a bit of catcher in the rye, which IS called a literary classic if I'm not mistaken? So how exactly is this worse than that?

t. not OP, just confused by this wankery

Yep, chiming in I'm enjoying it so far, call me a shill idc

Do you really think the level of writing in your post equates with mine? Excuse me while I disregard your opinion on my literary prowess. For your information, I have been shopping my book around to various publishers and agents and while I haven't received the go-ahead yet, I'm confident it's only a matter of time. I'd wager you'll be eating your words soon enough, slobbering over my tome in a Veeky Forums post like the memer you undoubtedly are.

I will certainly not kill myself, by-the-by, because to do so would give pleasure to the evil and untalented men of the world.

op pls, this is embarassing

(not op btw) BUT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS BOOK! Call me a shill (Which I'm not, I'm also not OP btw) but I want you to buy it! Haha

chapter 42 and I'm throwing my hands up I was wrong.
I did not really like the first few chapters, but now it's probably one of the better books I've read in a while, certainly this year. You AREN'T supposed to like the protagonist. You ARE supposed to laugh to yourself as his whole life turns to shit around him, as he fails to do anything right.

It is a novel about being a fuck-up in life and having to live with it, it is not some poorly written power fantasy for angst-ridden teens.

I thought this got much more obvious the more I read, which made it all the more surprising when you do finally root for this guy (and you will, believe me) it's well thought out and well done on the writers part. And for those of you who casually dismissed this for "angsty teenage bullshit" or something similar, ever heard of a little something called Catcher in the Rye? all I can say is you probably did not get very far in.
And before someone starts, yes I am OP-the-shill-master-troll or whatever you'd prefer.

This thread is so post-post-ironic it hurts.

P. S.

I actually liked chapter 6.

gr8 b8 m8

...

too many trolls/idiots in this thread planning on reading it later tho

...

69 / 9 / 38 / 2

If thisbook is half as funny as this fucking thread it's going to be comedy gold.

Probably some nutter from /rbooks.

oh man, idk anymore but the paedophile stuff in chapter 14 had me in stitches...

Chapter 173 was actually not bad, the part where he rapes himself was uncalled for though...

The Amazon reviews were written in 2014... What the hell OP?

why is the title stolen from a moby song?

didn't like it at first, then I could't stop laughing, then I got offended because things went too far, and now I can't stop reading, wtf is going on with this shit?

if i had to list all the things that annoyed me in this book i would be here all day, but heres some off the top of my head i am a dog person, cats are NOT better!
and dogs are NOT stupid, loud and annoying and they do NOT smell, (if you learned how to take care of them properly you would know that!)

Laughing at fat people just because they are fat is not funny or ironic, and if an overweight person DID fall of a chair I'm sure that it would not measure on the "fucking Richter scale"

the section in the chapret after that is poorly written, mysoginistic and offensive to females im not even going to quote most of it here but women do not flood like niagra falls when they are aroused or whatever stupid things
were said, and i would not instantly have sex with someone on top of a limosine not matter how many people were shot i stopped reading shortly after that because it was too over the top and vulgar. Don't bother reading it.

I agree, it's shit, offensive, and the main character is a complete bastard. Why anyone would read this thing is beyond me.

>79 / 9 / 42 / 2
Go to bed K.G. Laurence

Tao Lin did it better.

Sage and ignore boys.

...

if it's that offensive and the main charicter is that much of a bastard... then why would you not want to read it? wuss.

I've never seen a thread before where a shill/troll is trolling trolls who are trolling.
ps troll or not I like the book.

-Chris

".... An object in motion stays in motion unless acted on by an outside force!"

(... Did, did I just say that out loud?! Oh, what am I, retarded?!)

"Ha-ha! that's right, go you! the only problem is what I'm studying is a little more advanced than "Newton's First Law."

(I'll show you my object in motion acting in your outside force, anytime! Baby!.... Fuck me... I shoulda' said that...)

Wow great prose, superb writing, a real post-modern masterpiece.

How has this not been published?

Loved the part when he imagined shooting a limo driver then preceding to shoot the girl he likes' date multiple times and then fucking the girl he likes on top of the limo (while of course they are both covered in the blood and brain matter of the recently deceased guy).

How could Veeky Forums not love this work.

and call me shill/op/troll but this book will outlast all of you with its literary excellence.

it's funny, but the writer is probably just some/b/tard, though I agree with some older posts that it's a bit like Catcher In The Wry, probably better, but more offensive, still, I felt Catcher was way overrated, boring and kind of shit anyway, so take that as you will.

No one here would read more than a few chapters of this book if it wasn't good. Our backlogs for real already acclaimed literature is too long for experimenting. Your shilling is simply unbelievable. You need to lurk more.

This must be some post-sincerity nu-ironic trolling that's far above my head.

This meta shilling is ridiculous.
Once you spent some time online and reading books you simply notice patterns and you are the same shill from above. It's too obvious,sorry.

i know what you mean, but i do love catcher & i keep seeing Holden in Jack... if Holden was out of his mind with Bi polar disorder and all the other things Jack gets diagnosed with later on lol

Fuck yeah! I know the doctors appointment chapter right? That's when I really started to like it:

"Do you often have periods where you feel invincible?"

(Now that you mention it...)

"... like a surge of energy?"

(Yup.)

"... like you feel as if you can take on the whole world?"

(I can and I will! fuck 'em all!!)

"Ah, well, yes, uh, sometimes. Now that you mention it..."

"Jack, from what you have told me and also by going by your past medical history, what I think you may be suffering from is either Bipolar disorder, or one of its subtypes, such as bipolar II for example."

(Bipolar two? ...what the fuck is that?! is that some kind of sequel to bipolar disorder that nobody asked for?!)

"... The possibility for co-morbidity with other asocial personality traits and disorders is... high, but for now I should cease any further suppositions on my part. Diagnosis of any other specific personality disorders would be best left to a psychologist."

(Bipolar two... manic depressive boogaloo?)

"Would you like me to explain about your condition further?"

"Uh, no. Thanks. I already know what it is."

(If I have it, and I know exactly what it feels like... then why would I even need an explanation?)

"What I suggest..."

(You're going to give me pills, aren't you?)

"... is a course of medication."

(See, what did I tell you?)

"Although, due to your past family history of heart problems, I suggest that we skip Lithium altogether..."

(But why? I'm so happy...)

"...and start you on a course of 25mg of Lamotrizine with an incremental increase every two weeks, at least until we reach something of a plateau. Now, depending on the results in a month or so, I may ask you to come back and see a specialist."

"...What will he do?"

"He or she, may recommend anything from, say, behavioural therapy..."

(Boooring! been there, done that! got the goddam t-shirt!)

"... to possibly prescribing some other, more effective medication."

(I still want to get smashed...)

"Can I drink?"

"... what's that?"

"While I'm on this medication, can I drink alcohol?"

"Yes, I suppose, although because of your actual condition, I certainly wouldn't recommend doing so. Alcohol can greatly worsen the symptoms of both depression and bipolar disorder..."

(Blah, blah.)

LMAO, I don't care I love this shit.

(Generic shitty quote of the book here)

Guys, I know I was the first to hate on the book, but at (Random chapter number here) I really got to like it!

Its hilarious!

wow I laughed, then I cried! Then I laughed again!

(insert vague enough situation that will make you want to look into the actual book but when you look you realize its just garbage)

I don't care what you guys say, call me shill/op/troll all you want, but this book was great!

I don't care what you guys say! I love this book!

Author here. Actually shocked how many people are enjoying the story. I figured my original post would die after one or two comments.

Thank you everybody, and know that more is coming!