Hello Veeky Forums I have finally finished a short story that I have been working on. I shared it here and got some great feedback and some bad feedback.
I have revised and completed the story and I think you might enjoy it.
I would like any criticisms or compliments that you can offer.
I will review anything posted in this thread as well because I will be lurking. Thanks Veeky Forums
STORY LINK:
docs.google.com
>In times past there was a grand kingdom sprawled from the foot of a great mountain.
there are literally 3 grammatical mistakes in your first sentence
Thanks, I'll correct them. As I said this is aa third draft, I made edits to tenses throughout the process so there are probably many errors.
Bumpo
good story
Do you think it has any chance in a competition? What did you find needed improvement? Thanks!
I am exhaustively line editing your story until I become too bored or tired to continue.
It really means a lot. If you get too tired just read it and tell me what you think of the plot.
desu i think you need to rework it completely
there's no point to the length of the story at all imo, it could be like 2 or 3 pages
as the actual content is...really lacking imo. there's no character to the kingdom, etc, and the "ideal" life they have is...all so bland and transparent. basically i knew the ending as soon as you mentioned that they all loved the gem.
i can't tell if you're mimicking Shirley Jackson and Le Guin's short stories or if you've never read them(The Lottery, Omelas)
The last thread I posted they told me to remove all character content and write it in this manner. I took their advice and I am more pleased with this style rather than the long character development etc.
I am watching your edits, it is really appreciated because I am not the best at grammar.
i don't mean character development, just that it's(everything about the kingdom) super generic. i get why you would choose that though.
i just think there are a lot more interesting ways to get what you're trying to say(as it appears to me) across and even keep the medieval/kingdom theme. perhaps from the perspective of an actual peasant or warrior and the king
Maybe, but I think the point is that the kingdom is generic on purpose so it is relateable
The story is about god really
Spoiler
..yes.
bottom line i don't think it has a chance in a competition. though i guess it depends on the competition.
but you know, keep writing. brave to post it
How do you mean brave? What is the point of writing if not to share it?
i mean writing and asking for criticism from people you don't know can be hard. and taking the criticism is another thing entirely.
i dont even really want to touch what the point of writing is, but its not always to share
i dont mean brave as like a covert insult, i mean it in a good way despite my comments.
Well thank you for all your comments, I will continue reworking it maybe adding some more details.
Its good
Hello are you still lurking? I am reading through your edits. What did you think of the overall story?
>hello Veeky Forums its me that asshole who thinks he is too good for critique threads
I am not going to post a long short story in a critique thread, no one will read it. If you don't want to read it then just continue browsing.
if it is any good people will read it. That's kind of a great litmus test right there
What a garbage fucking ending. It was not interesting, unexpected, nor satisfying.
You think? Can you explain why?
Falls into the shitty "magic feather" trope. Made even worse because literal miracles happen with no explanation.
Instead of negotiating google docs, I'll just give some good tips: one--though not, as many here think, inherently bad, there is a point at which telling rather than showing becomes self-destructive, especially in settings such as yours, which rely very much on immersion; two--bland and vague descriptions like "grand kingdom" should generally be avoided, as, again, they are not immersive and, worse, give the impression that you haven't actually fleshed out the world you trying to described, which begs the question, "If the author didn't put any effort into writing this, why should I, his audience, put any effort into reading it or, for that matter, buying it"; three--your sentence structures are, to put it plainly, really, really bad, and have nothing to make them pop out or shine, which makes me and, I assume, others very, very bored, so spice them up, vary them a little, maybe throw a couple curve balls to keep us on our toes.
No offense but I think that is the point. The miracles are true or talked about as being true. It is not magic feather because the gem might still do something.
This is OP good advice. I wasn't that good in the first half of setting the scene. While I think I do better later, I think it leaves a bad taste in people's mouths.
Then why make the "twist" of the story that it was shattered.
I think to show that it is not infallible. Just like religions. It was said above it is about God.
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