New critique thread

Old one is almost past resuscitation.

Please critique at least one work per each of yours. If something has lots of crits already, move on to something new (no matter how much you have to say for the other).

It's not hard, guys.

Other urls found in this thread:

pastebin.com/BcFBmZLK
pastebin.com/hTe0ukjg
pastebin.com/dZeVGA1G
pastebin.com
twitter.com/AnonBabble

I posted this in the last thread but I'll post it here too I guess. Some shitty semi-stream of consciousness that I wrote to try to overcome my severe writer's block. I'll critique whoever posts after me.

I have a few poems I'd like feedback on.
1/3

The loft is course with threads of dust
but I often sleep there.
Under the skylight,
bathed in midnight,
sits a wooden chair.

On my command it sails above
grey edifices streaked with age, above
sullen cows and sleeping lakes,
above wavecrests iced with moonlight.

I sing over time’s parade, its clamour,
over the infinite, fading as I climb,
over the waterfall drowning my mind,
under the stars that replace it.

Briefly I resent the chair
when it sets me down,
bathed in midnight,
under the skylight.

page 2

I quite like this poem. It has really nice flow and striking imagery. I'm interested in reading the other ones you've written.

Is it supposed to be "coarse" in the first line? I don't catch the meaning if not.

I was going to pick at "overwheming amalgamation" but it occurred to me that it was pretty apt.

I don't like "some unfathomable reason".. adding "unfathomable" to "some reason" doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.

"Anyway" seems a bit informal compared to the tone previously. The second sentence in that paragraph is a bit long.

>it's worthless life
m8 pls

Hmm. I think there is too much description of feelings, which isn't particularly convincing for me.

I do like your subject matter, and I think you know what you are trying to show, so keep with it. At the moment your writing leaves me less moved than I feel I should be. Probably a result of the long sentences.

Cheers!
Yep lol. Thanks.

2/3

Sunday languor on a Monday morning,
senses dull to all but caffeine,
blind to mysteries eclipsed by daylight.
The weekend beckons through the mist
of chores and repetition; a snow globe
in constant turmoil forgets its walls.
Morning daze swept aside by shower,
orders are now clear: get by.

3/3

I rushed to you from the platform,
so sure of you, a stranger that
I should by rights have never
met. That was the second time
I saw you – halfway until I
saw you last. We started there
a young star, burning fast,
powder burning nostrils,
enraptured by the chaos.
You were older, I assumed
wiser - could you teach me how
to love and live and love myself?
Could you teach me how to
see the future in the past,
to find hope in despair?
To avoid your own mistakes?
You are older, yes – an old star,
a brown dwarf, dead in all
but name, no splendour. You
stopped looking for answers,
no more questions. An old star,
incapable of love
or smile or wisdom.
You made a fool of me; how
naive – I believed my short-lived
passion. It haunts me from the verse
on my wall; its curse will not
be forgotten.

Posting a poem that I wrote.
Page 1

Forgot attachment

Page 2

Page 3

post solipsistic-panic-attack dreary metaphysical hum-drum
possibly drug induced

now talk about sunshine and rainbows for two pages

Thanks, man. I greatly appreciate the constructive criticism, and I agree that I describe feelings too much. Also, I have a strange affinity for run-on sentences and I like the erratic and manic feeling they convey, especially when they jump around from subject to subject. They're useful in making clear the disturbed mental state of the narrator.

By the way, I really dig your poems.They just flow so well. Keep it up.

I dont read poems desu

Arthur
“Who's there?” This was the question posed by Arthur, Lord of Eboracum. But it was not aimed at any strange visitor knocking on his; nor was it fired at a creature skulking in the shadows. Arthur stood in front of a mirror while asking this; also deliberating whether the bottle of wine or bible required his attention most urgently. Slumping back into his chair and pouring another glass, he went over his plan of action for the night once again. “First to arrive shall be Arland, followed by Bran and Drew. Arland is to be greeted as lord? No no! He’s a knight dammit, Bran is the Lord, and Drew is a cardinal.” If all went well this evening, Arthur will finally have a firm grasp over Eboracum; though if all went well for Arthur this party wouldn’t be needed. Arthur got back to his feet; pacing the room while taking sips from his wine.

Though he had never been a man of great rhetoric, or even one whom fancied it, Arthur was unwilling to let his guests leave without their support. Walking back and forth, his eye caught the window, specifically the graveyard where the men of yesteryear were hurried. How many men had died for his cause, only to have their cause torn down by the Germanic hordes of tomorrow. His eyes now moved to the mural which adorned his wall; that of Constantine the Almighty. He looked into the eyes of Constantine and saw that which he vowed to protect: law, order, justice, all values which the Saxons wish to trample and rape. He approached the mural with a feeling of shame, and placed his hand on the shield of Constantine. “O Constantine, I ask; no beg for your help tonight, for God could not mend this wound.” Constantine finished off his glass and hurried to the meeting room to check whether the arrangements were in order.

On his way, he narrowly caught his bishop, Farrell, who was not so inconspicuously attempting to avoid Arthur. “A man who deals with God is afraid to speak with me? Should I be honored or afraid?” Farrell bowed his head in respect and fear “no sir, I was merely trying to have everything prepared for our guests.” Arthur placed his hand under the chin of Farrell and forced him to look eye to eye “Prepare to be hanging off the castle walls should you not succeed, I haven’t time for failure.” Though the bishop was no small man himself, Arthur frequently used his own large stature for intimidation, something which could be useful tonight. The bishop scampered away to the kitchen to see how the food was, while Arthur continued to his round table. Once there, he was shocked to see that Arland had already been let through the gates and was pouring himself a glass of wine

I was going to post mine, but it already occurred to me that I posted it in three different critique threads: none with responses. I'm going to guess nobody liked it.

This poem in particular reaches me. I haven't been in these threads much but this seems to look inward at a personal struggle but with aim or purpose a lot of other self-affirming writing here doesnt. The same goes for your other poems, I think there is craft and intent that shines most brightly.

I liked the line about a snow globe in turmoil forgetting it's walls.

I enjoyed it. There are a few typos though; be careful. Have you any thoughts on mine?

I think the problem is less to do with run-on sentences than how you execute them. If you keep at it, you'll find a way.

Thanks a lot. I've been trying to nail the flow so I'm glad to see it's working.

I get what you're trying to do with the question but it leaves the real scene until too late. The semicolon in the secend sentence should be a comma and the "also" is a bit clunky. You have a few too many words.

It's a shitty feel but at this point it's probably best to see for yourself how to improve, write new stuff, and see how that is received. I beleive in you!
Quite often I beleive stuff is skimmed over out of pure laziness..

>beleive
crikey. *believe

>you have a few too many words
I expect the book to be a lot longer senpai

I've learned to love my chains
Chaining me to myself.
And I've learned to hate my captor
My Stockholm syndromed self.

But the caged bird sings at night
When animals scream 'come fuck me'
And the eyed walls and eared hills
Recede, blinded by the light.

The distribution of the letter I
Imaginarily spread by bones
Throughout generations of meat
Is called us but thus incomplete—

Shitty shitty bang bang
I like to repeat the same thang
Shitty shitty bang bang
Now here comes a boomerang
Shitty shitty bang bang
I like to repeat the same thang
Shitty shitty bang bang

Call us thus but incomplete
Through generations out of meat
Spread by bones imaginarily
To distribute letters of me

Blinded by the receding light
With walled eyes and hilled ears
Animals scream coming and fucking
And of the caged night the bird sings.

My sin stocked home and selfish drone
Has learned to love his captor
Chained to himself
Loving his chains on the tip top shelf.

Dissonant—

Public Service Announcement:

The Queen isdead!
Long live minimum wage
and the racial palpitations
hailed by the word "negro."
Sometimes I drink Imodium.

You know what I mean.

Thanks. Yeah, this stuff is very personal; the second one is perhaps more generally applicable than the others.

I quite like the meditative, circularity of your piece. The first sentence strikes me as grammatically incorrect though; the "and tell myself" doesn't seem to link well with the first part. I suggest "so I can tell myself".

This really doesn't work for me.

Actually no I don't, what the all does too many words mean?

Dusk—
Dawn:
spinning,
spiraling,
a fondue vortex
of nip-tickling spent tragedies
complacently, delusionally called love or life
patiently consumes from the inside till the only thing that matters is left: Nothing.
(Rule 34 suggests this last tangent directly refer to fan-made porn containing the puppets from the kid's movie The Dark Crystal.)

>This really doesn't work for me.

Could you point to anything specific? Trying to understand to what degree the piece is objectively subpar—not to say subjective opinion doesn't matter to me.

Seems you've corresponded syllables per line to the Fibonacci sequence: cool beans.

Some of the words you use are unnecessary; you could alter the order of words and/or sentences to reduce the count, without removing any information.

I'll point out a few things. The repetition of "chains" then "chaining" jars me. I dislike "Stockholm syndromed" and "imaginarily". The middle verse doesn't make sense to me. I don't like "tip top".

Fair enough compadre—after a reread, I'm not actually too crazy about it myself. That being said, did you like the baseline concept? How the last three stanzas mirror the first three, causing the piece to read a bit like a poetic boomerang

I don't really feel emotionally connected enough with Arthur to get anything out of this, maybe because the inner dialogue in the first paragraph is just a little too campy and doesn't really add anything particularly important. The style and writing is fine, besides. It's a little confusing here or there, but readable.

>Though he had never been a man of great rhetoric, or even one whom fancied it, Arthur was unwilling to let his guests leave without their support
Is this line supposed to not make sense? I don't understand what you mean by "their support", and it seems like there might be a couple more lines which also slightly don't make sense. Also, this would be "who" not "whom."

I find the first sentence confusing and too long. Overall, the piece is just a little too meandering to have any sort of impact, even if the content is interesting. I'll point out a couple of specific things:

>I have never been good at reading lines
I've never heard conversation compared to reading lines, before. Is this a common thing? If not, you could definitely expand on what you mean by it. It's not necessary to expand on it, but it would be interesting to do so.

>round with fluff or fat or slender
This caught me for a moment. Like, I read it as "the cat would be round with fluff or maybe it would be round with fat or maybe it would be round with slender" when you mean to say "the cat would be round with fluff or it would be fat or it would be slender."

Thank you both for the excellent feedback on my cat story!

Your stream of consciousnesses style reminds me of King Crimson, is the narrator an abstract of yourself?
This writing gave me a Murakami or Japan vibe, I liked it. Is the heart of it that the narrator in a state of despair knows something he truly likes but cannot act on it?

Oops, my above post was for you not the OP. I'd write more but I'm banned and can only post on my phone~

Thanks again.

I'm gonna keep reposting this and you can't stop ne

I wrote this for the Mommy Cinematic Universe prologue

>Annie Clark - Auntie Antje's friend, and guitar teacher mommy is paying to give you lessons for your growing musical skills— prefers to teach you in her studio apartment alone. She loves to teach you by being hands on and putting her hands on yours.

gentle femdom annie 1/?


>After a hard day at school, you come crawling to Annie's studio apartment for your guitar lessons. As you enter her sizable yet modest apartment and make your way to her kitchen where she's preparing a salad with her head and curly hair down facing the counter, she perks up and immediately lose her faint smile as she sees how exhausted you are.

>"Ohh, are you okay, sweety? you look absolutely spent" she cooed as she crossed the kitchen island to get to you, wiping her hands on the flare of her almost sheer summer dress. Her warm and emphatic solemn expression changing to a tender affectionate smile as she makes her way to you. "oh, come here, sweety" she says reaching out to your head bringing it gingerly to her chest hugging you close.

>With the thin silk fabric of her dress cooling your skin, she takes your head with her hands to look at you in the face. With her delicate yet somewhat calloused fingers, she brings her thumb to the ridge of your brow brushing it, finally placing both of her hands to your cheeks. With her dainty hands encapsulating your face, she looks at you in the eyes with the stark hazel of hers relinquishing their ground for her broadening pupils.

>She hugs you close to her chest again, placing her right hand in the small of your back and her other hand to the back of your head. "I've got some cookies cooling by the window waiting for you." she whispers in your ear "Everything'll be fine, hun. I'm right here with you" she takes your head back again, kissing you in the forehead this time— stroking your hair as the contact between her lips and your skin part.

Oh jesus, I love this fucking lime story. I'm still laughing as I write this. But then it's not just funny, it also has a sort of emotion to it and really develops the narrator. I don't even have anything negative to say.

What sort of critique are you looking for? It doesn't seem like the general sort of stuff people want critiqued in these threads, but I'll give it the treatment anyway. I will say, it's amateurish with respect to certain grammatical issues (like, nobody would complain if you used punctuation correctly at the end of quotes), but it's a good start. Keep on reading and writing and you'll refine many of these issues. Work on being more descriptive. Here's a scattering of specific thoughts:

>preparing a salad with her head
This makes it sound like her head is being used to prepare the salad. Use some punctuation maybe

>she perks up and immediately lose her faint smile
This should be a new sentence, and you missed a letter (loses).

>almost sheer summer dress
It's "almost" sheer? This doesn't evoke a real clear image, isn't there a more descriptive way to describe it?

>she looks at you in the eyes with the stark hazel of hers relinquishing their ground for her broadening pupils.
Really awkward sentence. The stark hazel is the subject, so its singular, so it wouldn't be "their" ground, and anyway "relinquishing the ground" isn't a very delicate way of saying that her pupils are widening. When I think of somebody relinquishing ground, I think of a battle, and it clashes with the tone you have set.

>stroking your hair as the contact between her lips and your skin part
The contact is parting? Contact doesn't part, it either is or it isn't. Her lips and your skin part, but the contact just ceases to be.

For real? this isn't a critique thread hazing thing is it, I haven't written ever outside of high school and I'm 25. Your post has me purring like a cat, thanks.

The big latinate words seem unnecessary.
Also,
>"Anyway, several thousand..."
>"Anyway,"
I realize it's first person but this conversational prose is garbage.

>my friend gave me a lemon and said I might like it

oh man this killed me. hilarious. The ending sentence was brilliant too. Only advice I could give is to cut back on the cliches - maybe. maybe not! - they do sort of strengthen the narrative vibe you're going for, I think. I loved this.

forgot my piece

My biggest issue with this is that I don't get any personality from the main character in the first paragraph, so the personality I get in the second paragraph feels forced. I think it's because those descriptions of the work and his strength make him seem uncaring. He isn't digging in an angry way, but more in a mechanical way, so it's hard to switch from that to this loathing, anxious, angry sort of personality. On a second read, I will say that I see two bits which hint to the personality, he slams his heel and he tosses the shovel, but neither are strong enough to suggest the emotions in the second paragraph.

Really, the word-to-word writing is fine quality. You've got a lot of word economy, saying stuff briefly, which puts me in a rare position where I can say that if you wanted to, you could probably indulge more. It might help the flow of the first paragraph especially if you were a bit more verbose.

I've got a few grammar issues you should know about in case you edit it and share it again:
>shock of piercing turf
This might be false, but I think "from" would be better than "of." (On my first read I read it like piercing was an adjective, like it's turf that pierces)
>Leveraging the shovel against the earth a piece of turf was torn
Technically, you should say "he tore a piece of turf" because otherwise, there is no subject for the leveraging. Could be fine stylistically, but I thought I'd point it out. There should definitely be a comma after earth, though, either way.
>He asked if he did not know
Should this be AS if he did not know?
>He looked at it, with his palm up
should have a comma after up
>bosses' skull
Should be boss', bosses is plural

Thanks very much for the feedback.

...

...

...

Lots of grammar errors and strangely worded sentences. Learn a bit about possessives (should be Emily's), proper nouns (Mom and Dad not mom and dad), the punctuation following quotes, and especially run-on sentences. There are other prose issues, but it's hard to tackle those while there are so many grammar issues.

I'll correct the grammar issues
But
>prose
I don't understand what you mean.
It's strangely worded because of the different time period this is set in.

With some polishing it could make for a decent kids horror story. I like the way it's written. Just needs to be refined.

>kids horror story
while I thank you. It has profane language, use of black humor, racial slangs, and a story about a prostitute in it. It's not a children's book. I'm going for a more progressive YA novel. Something that'll not end as cookie cutter. It's about a vampire, that is taunting and stalking the family. Following two different characters (Dracula inspo). I want to write this as my beginner novel, something that might get my name out. Before I start writing something bigger than horror fiction.

I'm working on a screenplay about female space navigators/fighters... I don't know if anyone would be interested but I'm writing a full movie after a 15min screenplay project

Neat idea, user.

Thanks. xx

I'll touch on a couple of them, but I bet that if you worked on the grammar a lot of these other issues would clear up. Feel free to argue with me or ask for me to elaborate on any of these points.

>I grabbed a four-by-four piece of wood from under the bed and miniature lamp by my bed
The repetition of "bed" is dull, and it should be "the miniature lamp" to match the fact that you used "a" four by four earlier.

>I was shaking by the noise
This doesn't make sense. Were you shaken by the noise, perhaps?

>Then suddenly I heard a moan, not a moan of pleasure or sigh
Again, you should match the "a", and make it "not a moan of pleasure or a sigh" because otherwise it sounds like you're trying to say "not a moan of pleasure or a moan of sigh"

>But his physical structure was seen off the glass windows of her room
Are you referring to his silhouette or his reflection? You can't just see somebody off the glass. Do you maybe mean that you can see him through the glass?

>A bat was morphed and he flew out the window
You mean that he was morphed into a bat, obviously, but you say the opposite, that a bat was morphed. You could get away with saying "a bat was morphed out of the man." Also, "it flew out the window" is better (than "he"), even if I guess we know that the bat is a male bat, but it's hard to explain my reasoning there.

There are some more on the next page too, but I hope that's enough to get the picture. Keep reading and writing and you'll notice these easily.

I've been dabbling with poetry for a class I am in and have come up with a few that I like and would love feedback.

This one, I'm wondering if what I'm talking about makes sense to anyone but me.

and this one

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll make the changes and post a revised version/ I might want to take some time to edit because this is the 50th page, and I know I'll have more.
>btw this is what I meant by the glass

I was talking to a feminist yesterday and I wrote this in response to their messages. They were messaging me because I made a post saying I have sympathy for brock turner. There was a lot of discussion leading up to this, but this is what concluded the conversation basically, nothing has come after this and idk if I'll get a response.

btw, I'm the post above. I didn't know that there was a critique thread. sorry for making a new thread without knowing there was a thread for this.

hmm.. it's okay.
I disagree that each person is an "ultimate authority". Some may have more information than others; furthermore, groups of people are more authoritative because they delineate trends in human behaviour.

your ideas are probably okay but I'm not keen on the execution. could be more eloquent.

I am OP so no difference

That's well and good, but you should make the structure more pertinent to the poem itself.

In regards to the two poems, do you have something in particular that could be more elequent or that isnt?

eloquent* tee-hee!

Sounds like a high school essay trying to impress the teacher and fill a word quota with cringy name dropping of Camus. A flawed viewpoint that could be presented more cohesive.

>almost an abyss
Pulled me out of the story, way too try hard and flowery for a fucking dark room.

>I was shaking by the noise
Well, English isn't my first language so it might be correct, but reads weird.

>But it was a crying moan
Reads weird and amateurish.

Pretty mediocre so far.

>Dad was wandering (wondering?) what the hell was going on
Weird perspective switch.

The whole scene seems very constructed and doesn't feel real. Also don't bother to replace "said", it breaks the flow with all the cried, wailed, ordered shit. Repeating it all to the police in a dialogue is unnecessary too.

>he was writing notes in his book
Rather a notebook, no?

The police guy sounds like a total newb.

>"knowing that someone could break into our house like that..."
Decent thought but reads very awkward, "show don't tell" yo.

Overall the best of the 3 you posted.

>courier new
Damn, nigga.

The writing itself is pretty good but I wasn't very interested in the story.

>she's preparing a salad with her head and curly hair down facing the counter
Reads weird.

Rest was fine but second person should be made illegal already. Also kinda boring.

Cool first sentence. "Fuck" was used a bit too liberal in the end of the second paragraph, felt unnecessary. Ending was kinda lame, overall a pretty good fucking read and decently amusing.

Meh. Not bad writing per se but just so ... meh. Words that are correctly arranged to sentences, not much else.

More on point and much better than the first part.

And if you toil to reap your worth
then sow, we've dug up all goddamn.
Toss off those dreams of lassoed sky,
then the prayers. Quit the world's bedside.

"For Lord will soon emancipate me."
"And surely Lord will swivel the ship."
"Whirldom met song, heart to succor heart."
This sinks too, by the bye.
Yet look.
"And Lord is Just and all is fair."
"And Great is He in all I fare."
"I am knit a sweater of salvation in silk."
Or made mute, like a bureaucrat.
Or deaf to myth, defaced in dirt.

Ah, when the earth is bereft of its music it simmers
like Hell. The pit lush in pathetic wail.
The luthier's dead and the oven floods.
Valor gone besieged, love's ribbon lost.
Judgement is penned in new alphabets.
The devil is in high frenzy.
When the earth is unwashed, sweet's the hour then.
Oh, Arch of Olympia will thunder on.
It soothes me. Yes, and it gives me color.
Sit under the blueberries and sleep your fill.

Still.
The ensemble will cave.
It collapses in silence.
It flakes, then pares in its odd anguish.
The hinges fall off timelessness and mops us in horror.
This is not sadness.
This is not death.
I do not know what I see.
What for the love of your remains do not talk, speak.
This is the hour.

No wing to console me.
I turn to no backdrop.
Lia
So-phia
Pe-ne-lo-pe
I surround myself mercilessly.
And as the sorrows of man are never borrowed, I will soon become them.
There is no prayer like awakening.

Cringiest thing I've ever read.

Cat guy, and I think it is right in saying the narrator knows smething he ought to do but doesn't know how or feel comfortable chasing it.

And your story was a lot of fun and honestly funny. My favorite line "my friend gave me a lemon and said I might like it" I dunno man that was just such a fucking giggle to me.

Here's a thing I did, short and without a specific aim in mind. If anyone can read Italian, I have plenty more to post - essays, for the most part.

pastebin.com/BcFBmZLK

And here's a little something, an essay-ish thing I've had to write for a honors school that kicked me out. I think it's at least smirk-worthy, you tell me. If you want. Thanks for the time anyway.

pastebin.com/hTe0ukjg

[reposting this from another thread, it's 4am here so I'll give some critiques tomorrow - for what's worth, I'm a man of my word]

P-please, add paragraphs to the first one, user. Going by the second piece, your writing should at very least be decent, just not enough to force one through a wall of text.

Second bit is pretty cheeky and an enjoyable read. I agree with your opinion, so there is that too.

>I've had to write for a honors school that kicked me out
Do tell more.

Seconding this

Best in the thread

I wrote something that got eaten up, but I loved your story. Great imagery, excellent style with an interesting play of dialogue and observations. Reminds me of the sort of vamp style that's heavily tied to music/scene-fashion (but real, as evident by their superiority) like in the Lost Boys and Only Lovers Left Alive.

fug I hate being banned and having to use my phone for this. Meant that for Please keep it up user!

I didn't get too much meaning out of this, but reading it aloud was pleasurable. Care to explain it at all? What translation of the bible are you quoting from? It reads nicely.

>but his lungs gasped for air
Why the "but"? He just took a breath.

>probably
Redundant.

Rest was pretty decent though. What is the story about?

Are you going anywhere with this or is it just a short reflection on lifting? I liked it regardless, the last paragraph is the strongest.

pastebin.com/dZeVGA1G
Posted parts of this before, based on the bureaucratic hell of military intelligence.

Thanks for the help. Those are necessary changes.
It's not part of a larger story. I'm just trying to write a bit everyday. Just little blurbs, 250-350 words, to practice based on previous criticism I've gotten.

I'm not sure I could craft an entire story yet. I've only started writing recently.

>pastebin.com/dZeVGA1G

This is fucking hilarious! It's like office space but in the army. I loved it. Where can I read more? Will this be a novel someday?

Did I improve it Veeky Forums?

>second person should be made illegal already.

this is actually really good.

Aside from the last line, the subject matter of this is pretty cliche, but I can't hate too much on a Fibonacci poem.

Slick rush in the nose, head back, to the mirror—
catch it drop by drip by splash till it slows, look up.
Red stream wetting the desert, iron taste seeping
down into the mud to nourish and be reclaimed.

Fingers of the unsullied hand, dip into cupped,
precious gore now lost but given new purpose—
not to fuel the vehicle of flesh but challenge
the master, with shape and spiral traced on skin
unsunned and hidden but for here, where letters
dredged from nothing spell words said nowhere,
but in the corners of the mind– lorn and fey–
that no thoughts reach.

Sedent in the dark now, decoration done, painted,
in that ink shared common to beast and borne.
Cryptic signs play and whisper as they dry,
set in memory without meaning, so now to rest,
to nest, to lay in the dark, to chase those mad signs,
to dream.

If anyone is interested....

Page 2 of 5

Page 3 of 5

Page 4 of 5

Page 5 of 5

Tear my life into pieces senpai....

Uhh, I know Veeky Forums isn't a very nice community sometimes and all the memers and ... there are more friendly and better boards indeed but ... what in all earth did it do to deserve such an eye cancer font with claustrophobia inducing lack of spaces between the lines?

Please have some mercy and upload it on pastebin or something.

Stop?

But seriously, you could maybe sell a four-part series of this to tween girls, if you had an incredible editor.

I'm a newfag, but how does one post on a pastebin on Veeky Forums?

Yes I'm serious.

Oh and the font is Gramond.... Guess Times New Romans is the jazz these days huh?

But what about the content senpai, the content?!

>But what about the content senpai, the content?!

>pastebin.com
Then you get a link from them, which you can post here. You don't need to make an account or anything.

>Guess Times New Romans is the jazz these days huh?
Dear Lord, no. Palatino all the way. Gramond might work on paper but on screen it looks pretty bad, especially since we're not getting it directly but as a screenshot and a jpg to boot, adding extra noise.

>But what about the content senpai, the content?!
My eyes started to bleed after the (admittedly cheeky) first sentence.

Thanks for the help senpais

>My eyes started to bleed after the (admittedly cheeky) first sentence.

If it;s any consolation; the story is targeted for the teen crowd. Still. that is no excuse to write shitty.

If there are areas I can work on, please tell me more yo :)

This is really food. If you correct your grammar and fix a few things I could really see this selling.

...

Nono, the criticism was solely meant for the visual presentation, the sentence was cool.

>the story is targeted for the teen crowd.
Well, that makes it more interesting than a lot of the circle jerk here. Let's summon my inner masochist and read the first page...

So the protagonist is an edgy, aloof witch, I like her, your writing flows pretty good too, liked page 1 overall, cool last line too. Made me read further.

Lame bits were:
>my wealth makes peasants slobber
Pretty weak, in a "I have more money than a beggar"- way. Would change peasants for nobility.

>dumb idiot boyfriend
Sounds too modern. As is cheating. More use of "idiot" was pretty glaring later.

The switch to flashback was too abrupt.

>words leapt from my lips like instinct
Reads kinda weird, not bad per se though. Or did you mean insects, though that wouldn't fit in the mood.

>hot coco
Too modern.

>any century now
Nice bantz. But Onomatopoeia is fucking disgusting. Don't do it, please.

>Devon's hair did match my cute spring dress after all
Pretty cool too, altho the description in the next line could be done more elegantly.

Though why is she assuming that he is cheating on her just because he is too late? Or something else? Kinda weird. It started to feel bit dragged on here.

>taken or not
Unnecessary.

>my unmentionables
Lawl

Damn, I am at page 3:
>14 year old
Eh, assumed her to be bit older given the vocabulary, caring about standing and boys so much, but mkay.

>he's too gorgeous to be this dumb
Lawl

>I swung him a half-face
Reads weird but paints a pretty good picture.

Cute scene overall. Though it's weird that she thinks that the guy is that dumb if he is such a good duelist. And later he seems dumb indeed, so it wasn't just her perception.

Mhmm, pace picks up on page 4, not much more to add.

>but again - probably best to stay on topic with this one
Mhmm, niceee.

>girlfriend material
Too modern again.

Pretty funny bit about the guy going over the top, the kiss in the end was cute too but overall the page felt bit dragged and aimless.

Well, I'd read more.

Good.

I've been attempting children's poetry recently; I used to enjoy nonsense poetry and humorous stuff as a kid. Would welcome any feedback/criticism.

I hopped off the bus, past the last stop
And across the road I saw Mr. Top;
He lived in a nest above a tea shop.
And inside the shop, believe it or not
Was old Mr. Bottom pushing a mop.
Said Mr. Top at the top of his voice
"Just leave me alone, I have no choice!"
But as Mr. Bottom had done so before,
Rushed out of the shop and cried with a roar,
"You shant be living above me no more!"
And with a swift thrust of his raggedy mop,
He poked Mr. Top, and would not stop
Until Mr. Top did promise again,
To come down from the nest, and dig out a den.
To do so was a matter of 'if', not when,
So old Mr. Bottom counted from ten
And bashed at the nest with the mop's handle end,
With a crash down to Earth arrived Mr. Top,
The pavement below brought him to stop
And off did he scuttle to dig out that den,
That was the last I saw of him ever again.

This flows very well. It's good prose. Looks like something you'd write trying to look busy at work, and you leave it thinking "OK.", if you read it at all. There's no particular pull. Could be (hopefully) all leading to something, in which case this would be your second paragraph, i.e. the one you probably shouldn't have posted. In terms of technique, you could probably write a great story.

For the most part it bounces along very neatly. It's cute, simple, would probably make a great poem full stop. The meter could use some work in places, though - especially the last line, where you can probably cut the "of". It does seem a little forced even for nonsense verse in places. "To do so was a matter of 'if', not when" - that's gold. Bear in mind kids are a little mixed up these days, and Mr. Bottom bashing the pubic nest and Mr Top digging out a den might... well.

Thanks for the insight, it's really helpful. Meter-wise I've used anacruses massively in a 4/4 rhythm which I was very unsure as to whether it would be appropriate or not. The offending lines I was particularly concerned with were "And across", where the rhythm would have to fall on the second syllable of across, "Until Mr. Top", falling on the -til of until, "To come down", falling on down, "With a crash", falling on Crash and the last line which is indeed not fitting would have no anacrusis or having to skip the first three words to "last". Not easy at all, especially as all the others only employ a single syllable passover. Michael Rosen who has written some really superb comedy poetry for kids does employ it a fair amount, but I do suspect I've gone over the top with it.

I lost it with the pubic nest and digging out a den. I hadn't even thought about that; genius. Thanks again.

Well that's encouraging. This is the first piece of fiction I've ever written.

Witch Writer user here.

By any chance, are you a girl? Or at least familiar with YAs or children's literature?

I want to aim for a younger crowd as I feel I'm far too inexperienced for more serious literature. But I want to know if this kind of shlock resonates well with the young crowd. Would boys enjoy it too if the Protagonist is a girl? (I also plan on writing three more POV's to the story and all of them are male.)

>this is really food
kek. Thanks pal, glad you liked it. xx

Birds are lessons
When they grow they fly
Their chirp progressive,
To dwindle in the sky
Beautiful songs they carry aray
From the dusk to the dawn
To the end of the day

Sweet love that battles on and on
In the trees, undisturbed
Above the lawn
The babys they carry but not for long
Till they hit an age
When they must move on

They're dependent but so independency
Makes the best of what they'll be
Birds eat all the worms and hunt for feed
They sparkle around the globe and see
The beautiful nature, and travesties
They buddy in warmth on the polelines of streets
Which sway and wave at the wind of car speed

But when their children were birth
But not so naturally, a human touched theyre heads
Now the momma can't smell her tweet
Human destroyed the nest
And tore down the tree
Now the babies die, because of insensitivity
Momma bird cries, but she still stands on her feet
She'll wait in life for another oppertunity

Her death she waited, but happy and patiently
She takes it with grace and moves up and beyond to heavens entry
With smiles all around, and gold polelines on gold streets
She found her little ones, she kisses her tweets