In the honor of Thanksgiving coming up, anyone up for sharing stories...

last year i was planning on cooking thanksgiving dinner at parent's house. just 4 of us - mom, dad, sister (she is in her mid 20s), me.

shortly before i'm done cooking, my sister starts inviting her friends over.

she ultimately has 8 extra people have come over. i don't know them and they were all really drunk. one of them grew up in a cult, one of them lived in a van (by choice, not necessity).

i wish i had someplace else to go for holidays, but i'm too much of a sperg to have friends.

LOL

...

>back in the late 90s/ early 2000s I used to frequent jokes.com
>this was before comedy central fucked the site up
>no one else in my family really browsed the internet back then
>I was about 10-12 years old and telling outlandishly funny jokes to my relatives
> would either censor myself on the cuss words or warn everyone ahead of time
>thanksgiving night
>everyone is drinking and having a good time
>suddenly, my aunt summons me
>"oh, little user knows a lot of jokes, tell him to come here and tell us one"
> I just started getting into the racist jokes
> I forgot the setup, but I dive into a long joke about a wife who gets a black guy to sleep with her for some biscuits, and the husband ends up yanking out her public hairs. While yanking out the last public hair, he says "come on out you black cunt" and the black guy says "I will if you give me a biscuit"
>Or something along those lines. It was a good fucking joke.
>a couple of uncles genuinely laugh at the punchline, but everyone else is fucking stoneface, or nervously giggling
>what the fuck? I thought it was good
>I look towards the living room and see one of my aunts black neighbors staring at me with a surprised smirk and wide eyes
>thebottomdropped.webm

Pretty curious about the stabbing backstory. In my family, all the holiday drama and grudges come from the women.

Sucks about your ex. I drive a lot on Thanksgiving to visit several different houses and I'm always worried about crazy or drunk drivers, but every year it's bizarrely tame for a change. A couple years ago I realized almost everyone driving was a man.

all of the drama and grudges in every family comes from the women
men just don't give a shit unless they are weak-willed and controlled by the women

Please tell me your uncle beat the hell out of those kids

What the hell happened to make your grandmother stab her own daughter? god damn.

What was your life like if that's something that just happens.

Apparently my uncle's girlfriend's brother once randomly invitied a hobo to eat with him and his family. Do something nice to feel good about yourself and all that. Except that the hobo didnt play along, he didnt thank anyone and kept criticizing the food because it wasnt how he liked it. In the end everyone was just pissed off and they had to air out their house for a week because everything smelled like pee.

shes obviously floating 10cm above ground with the turkey

That face
>when you're having a stroke but first you gotta save your turkey

This. It's clearly a picture from the famous 'zero-g thanksgiving cookery book'

My aunts husband finally left her drunk ass..m she moved into my grandmas house which was really nice at one point.

That bitch stole her check book and her jewelry and anything really to fuel her drug habit.

We seperated them, but on Thanksgiving we got together at her nice house. My aunt showed up and got stabbed in the thigh while sitting at the dinner table.

Christmas stories are good to but only involve my close family.

>stealing her mom's money and jewelry
>retaliatory stabbing
Fuck

pictured this, lol'd

Your nana don't play. I like that.

One time my grandma accidentally made the mashed potatoes with eggnog instead of milk because she cannot see too well. They tasted disgusting.

upboated bros XDDD

>3 years ago
>been feeling kind of sick
>have cyst at top of my asscrack
>cyst pops during thanksgiving dinner
>excuse myself
>go to shower
>squeeze remaining pus/blood out of cyst
>black out in shower
>shit and puke everywhere
>also blood because i hit my head on the bathtub when i fell
>clean myself up
>go back downstairs
>calmly state i just blacked out and theres poop and puke all over the bathroom
>family sees the gash on my eyebrow and they believe me
>go to hospital
>103 degree fever, heartrate was in the 130s
>stay in hospital for 3 days
>mom refuses to bring me the White Castle™ stuffing i made
>brings other gay thanksgiving food instead

last year i said that i was thankful that trump was running for president and half of my relatives (mostly women) got pissed and started ranting over eachother about how trump is bad etc

cant wait for how they react to being thankful that trump is the president

I haven't participated in thanksgiving dinner in around 7 years. After I left home I said fuck it and just order pizza or whatever and get shitfaced. I know I'm not missing out too shit sucked back then I can't imagine now

Havent celebrated thanksgiving or christmas in years due to family being drunk, drug addicted some may or may not have spent time in mental asylums. So its not a good time ever. However my grandparents are on deaths door so im sucking it up.

>"hey user havent seen you in years why dont you show up anymore"
>oh you know everyone but grandma and grandpa are insufferable addicts who would all be better off dead.

Its also a 2 hour drive there. G*d help me.

>complaining about 2hrs

My parents live 6hrs away.

My parents live 8 hours way

My parents live 10 hours away

my parents live 45 minutes away (:

Maybe we can swap parents if any one of us is closer?

White castle stuffing?

My parents are dead.

I'll make dinner with you then forget parents

He looked ready to, but I think the shock of what happened stunned him too much to do anything substantial for a good couple hours.

I'm going to get fucking hammered and ignore the food until I don't feel like drinking anymore as usual.

Wooo New Jersey.

I think he might be fucking with you but it's a thing.

no im serious. white castle stuffing is a thing. you dice up some sliders and mix in some other shit to make stuffing

I'm not sure how to feel about that. Might be good with some good spices.

Or if you have a really drunk Thanksgiving.

The British will cook a turkey and put fucking RAISINS in the stuffing. If you put sweet items in your stuffing your can go fuck yourself. It should be as savory as possible.

A thanksgiving meal should be savory for sure.

your parents are the rest of your lifetime away

Kek
You should stealthily record the backlash on your phone and post it to vocaroo afterwards. You could be a legend

> raisins
Literal lie

Apricots and apple on the other hand is GOAT stuffing material

you seem as though you are far too rigid for your own good

I could see raisins working well in stuffing; it's as though you've never heard the concept of sweet plus savory

My mom became a Jehovah Witness when I was around 8 and for some reason I don't remember any thanksgivings before that, but by the time I was 14, I got away from her crazy ass and then had thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family which was not fun at all because they were just a different kind of crazy.

Fuck. Tbh

For the past couple of years I would go to a family friends house for thanksgiving (close enough that they're like my second parents) and I'd show up early to help them make the bulk of their food because they always had like 30+ people over.

Anyways the couple have always had some marital issues and it comes out in weird ways. On Thanksgiving it turns into this food rivalry, where they both make a soup and don't tell people who made which one and then get all pissy if they get the less popular one. The thing is; the wife is a much better cook. She's an unabashed Spaniard who uses any sort of grease/salt/delicious thing in the book while the husband has some faggy health food addiction so he never puts any sort of spice or seasoning into his food. So naturally 9/10 he's lost the soup battle and gets grumpy for the whole night.

Also to save his masculine pride he's basically been the one making the turkey the pat few years but because of his aversion to butter, salt, garlic, etc. anything remotely tasty it always comes out like shit and people just eat the ham and sides the wife and I prepare instead.

>My parents live 6hrs away.
20 hours here

>people just eat the ham and sides the wife and I prepare instead.

So you've been giving his wife the best porking you could every Thanksgiving?

I'd be upset too, user.

>A thanksgiving meal should be savory for sure.
Says the americlapfat putting fucking MARSHMALLOWS on his sweet potato casserole.

Says the eternally obsessed yuropoor who has obviously never had it.

Not who you're responding to, but I'm american and the tradition of adding candy to sweet potatoes is nauseatingly sickening and entirely reks a perfectly fine vegetable.

>Driveway

Wait, what?

Post the one with the grills

I found the woman.

I'm american. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows on them are fucking disgusting. If you have that as a side on thanksgiving you have shit taste.

Marshmallows are for smores and fluffernutters, not thanksgiving.

If your gonna deep fry a turkey, you do it outside

Fag

I want to know the joke

>10-15 years ago
>dad builds smoker
>just a used 55 gallon drum cut in half
>smokes turkey for 15 hours in it
>looked like a fucking charcoal brick when it came out
>inside was heavenly

Of course the year he did it, it snowed on thanksgiving. I remember waking up at 7 am and he was standing outside watching the smoker in 6" of snow

We never had a fryer disaster but that was probably because no one was allowed within 10 ft of the thing except my dad. Loved when we did it though because we'd also make onion rings to snack on before dinner.

It's been a while, but I'll look it up for you user.

Even a thread about Thanksgiving on Veeky Forums makes her want to start shit.

Wew

there's a reason hobos are hobos and it isn't that they are nice, clean, friendly people

It was too long to copypaste.

ads.funny.com/_star/Jokes/0/C50CB.html

my mom lives 35 hours away

You do this every Thanksgiving Batman!

Lel

That's not an American thing.
That's just the blacks.
Real people don't even make that without the marshmallows.

If I make a sweet potato casserole I don't put marshmallows on that shit. That's disgusting. I like a pecan and brown sugar topping if I MUST have some sweetness to it. It doesn't overwhelm and it compliments nicely.

It's typically safer and smarter to deep fry a turkey outside, since the deep dryer is typically a giant cylinder filled with a few gallons of hot oil. If it pops or spills you won't have oil all over your floor. Not as much burn or slip hazard when it's outside.

Also I imagine the smell of oil would get a little sickening if it sat in your house for too long.

My family and a few others used to "camp" for Thanksgiving. We would go to a place in the woods and the turkeys would be buried under the fire pit for cooking. Us kids would go out and hike, swim in the river, climb trees, catch and release various small critters, all that good stuff. Then after eating we'd find and clean up sticks for s'mores.

found the sensible poster

Why no seasoning? I get being awful and dumb about fats and salt, but herbs and garlic are good for you. And delicious when shoved under turkey skin.

Holy shit is the copypasta?

Or is this a White Castle shill because I'm 99% sure I read this last year.

>pecan & brown sugar

Thank you, Based user.

>Thanksgiving 6 years ago
>Parents invite me over for dinner
>Insist I don't need to bring anything, but I decide to bring a couple bottles of wine anyway just to be nice
>Wasn't told my alcoholic as fuck cousin would be joining us for dinner
>Fucker nearly drinks both bottles of the wine I bought before dinner is even ready
>Continues drinking anything alcoholic he can get his shitty little hands on
>Roaring drunk, the "Let's scream at everything" level.
>Slams into my mother who was holding a saucer full of scalding hot gravy

I couldn't feel bad for laughing my ass off, the guy was a dick. Nearly half the saucer sloshed onto his shirt and burned the shit out of him.
Pretty sure my dad was trying not to lose it as we tried to help clean him up and treat the burn.

Thanksgiving was pretty gud that year

Glad it got on him and not your mom, I thought that's where this was heading. Fucker had it coming.

>Thanksgiving is never held at your house
>you're able to muster enough willpower and love for your family that you take the time and energy to shower, brush teeth, dress in good casual clothes and show up on time
>this has literally never once happened to me

I'm glad I can't relate to this picture.

>Thanksgiving last year
>Everyone having a good time, good food, ect
>Turn on NBC to watch Macy's thanksgiving parade
>A bunch of Tranny's are dancing in the street
>Room goes quiet. Felt Awkward as fuck.
>Tranny's is what killed Thanksgiving for me.

I hope that shit's gone this year, if not it certainly will be next.

Some set up to this story.

So, I've known my wife since around 7th grade. We were friendly, but never friends. After joining the military and spending a few years in, I eventually talked her into dating me. Her mother and father a very well off. I grew up very poor. Not basic cable "poor", but watch where you step or you could fall through the rotting floor poor.

>2015 Thanksgiving
>start day at wealthy in-laws
>good food, everyone is nice, no crazy stories
>that evening, decide to eat with some of my family
>huge gathering of aunts and cousins
>no uncles because of divorce and death
>wife is overwhelmed by the size of family packed into the small trailer
>food is good, but not ordinary
>because of extreme poverty in most of family food is either cheap like potatoes and rice, or livestock raised and killed by family, or wild game killed by family
>wife notices hose connecting to the sink from outside
>explain that family steals water from the county because they can't afford it otherwise
>halfway through odd, but decent dinner one cousin begins arguing with his mother
>cousin screams about being a disappointment etc.
>cousin grabs knife and holds it to his chest begging for his mother to kill him
>wife is crying, young kids are crying, everyone is freaking out
>eventually subdue cousin before he hurts himself or someone else
>this ends thanksgiving 2015

As we were driving home, my wife commented that she couldn't believe poverty still existed on that level in the US. She knew my upbringing was shit, but she just didn't realize how awful it was. I think I'll just be doing Thanksgiving with the in-laws this year.
>

no you need to teach your over privileged ass wife a lesson.

quit your job, make her work.

your family sounds stupid

>cant laugh at a bunch of trannies on tv

Her parents worked their asses off to get where they are and made their kids do the same. We both work now.

I certainly wasn't trying to teach her a lesson. My family are all in the shape they're in through their own faults for the most part. Drugs, alcohol abuse, having way too many kids when they can't care for one. The only reason I went is because my wife found out about the invite and wanted to meet more of my family. I can't stand most of them.

Having said that, I do have lots of stories involving Thanksgiving gatherings if anyone wants more. Most are fairly humorous.

Yeah user, share some more.

Your story honestly hit home with me. I had a rough upbringing, and can relate. I'm still in the process of attaining complete financial security, but I make a point of taking my wife and kids out to see my less well-off relatives.

Not to teach them a lesson, or for any ulterior motive, but because I don't want to forget where I came from or alienate my immediate/ extended family.

Even though I can afford to bring the good beer for thanksgiving, and they know it, I'm still showing up with a handle of natty ice, and my family appreciates me for it.

Except that drag queens are really the most socially acceptable form of transvestites. You guys need to chill and watch The Birdcage this year or something. It's meant to be funny because it satirizes retarded Miss America style hyper-sexual femininity.

>be me
>hate Thanksgiving cuz my parents are fags
>my bro invites me to his place for turkey day
>knows he has a sister
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif
>his sister is fat
>and i mean FAT
>my bro ditches me to hit on his sister's hot friend
>fat sis offers to cook me mac n cheese
>i already hate Columbus Interruptus Day so why the fuck not
>fuck i think she's crushing on me fuck
>escape to clean up with my bro
>she hears me call her fat
>uh oh, gonna get eaten by a landwhale
>dinner goes without a hitch
>safe for another day
>next year rolls around
>celebrating dry poultry day with my bro again
>his sister walks in
>HOLY FUCK SHE GOT HOT
>now a slim beautiful piece of ass
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif version 2.0
>go into kitchen with her
>i think she's flirting with me fuck yeah
>she grabs carrots and frozen peas and a knife and starts rubbing them, the fuck
>is this some former fat girl way of flirting? playing with the only food you can now eat?
>things get really fucking weird
>the knife slips
>slowmotionfall.webm
>she fucking chops off my baby toe
>when we get to the hospital she fucking picked up a carrot and not my toe
>mfw when I now have only one baby toe
>mfw when I ended up marrying her
>mfw [spoiler]i'll be there for you[/spoiler]

>last year up at my uncles house
>all the children and what not get on a bench
>about 5 of us on this bench
>semi large cousin comes over
>bench is practically breaking under weight
>bench is also on steep hill
>big guy sits on bench and it just breaks
>I get up and keep balance where as everyone else falls down
>big guy picks up speed and rolls into lake

Funniest moment ever

Hello, Chandler. I see you still haven't gotten over your childhood traumas.

>first time ever baking my own turkey
>it comes out beautifully
>begin carving inside the roasting pan
>get carried away with the knife
>pierce the bottom of the pan
>delicious turkey juices I intended to use for gravy start spewing onto the table and floor like a broken faucet
>panic and soak them up with a towel
>all that juice wasted
>had to throw away the towel
>had to substitute chicken broth for delicious baked turkey juice

Thank heavens he caught the gravy. Fucker probably didn't learn anything, though.

I live with my parents.

My mom loves raisins/apples in stuffing, italian though

It's okay but I prefer savory too, sausage stuffing is GOAT

You should dress up in drag this year. Pic related.