What are your stupidest kitchen accidents or injuries?

Not me, but my sister while I was there

>Living in okay-to-shitty apartment with relatively small kitchen
>4 kids plus our mom, and everyone else is lazy fucks who won't clean anything so the kitchen always has dishes filling the sink/counters
>large pyrex baking dish was left full of soapy water to soak on top of one of the electric stove elements for god knows how long
>Sister decides to make tea, but too lazy to clean up or even move anything
>Puts kettle on stove, proceeds to turn on the burner the pyrex dish was sitting on instead of one kettle is on
>Walks away for like 10 minutes, comes back and discovers soapy water boiling over pyrex dish
>Freaks out, turns off stove, and moves dish off hot burner directly onto cold countertop
>Flash forward like 30 seconds, from the next room over I hear the sound of glass shattering violently and rushing water
>The dish has exploded, sending glass and hot water all over the fucking place, somehow my sister is untouched

She didn't understand what happened, despite being like 17 at the time.

>slicing up peppers for pickling
>all done
>sitting down later in the day
>hands migrate to balls
>evidently forgot to wash my hands from earlier
>literally mounted onto bathroom sink seconds later running balls under cold water begging god to kill me. Didn't even bother to turn the light on

>one morning, making hash browns, set oil onto the stove
>scoop up some grated potato and set it into the oil
>some splashes and lands right on my boxers
>didn't really think much of it at first until a second later when the spot touched my right ball
>did not know I could jump that high in a bent over position

>one summer, in pool with sister
>get out to grill up a couple hot dogs
>like to position the hot dogs on the grill so they get those nice black singe marks on them
>pressing one down with the spatula while it plumps up
>go to press down the one next to it and as soon as I take the spatula off of it, it starts rolling towards me and almost rolls off the grill
>for some reason, my reaction is to stop it from rolling off by blocking it with my body
>move my hips forward just in time to stop the sizzling sausage with my dick and balls
>was not even able to save the hot dog in the end because of this

I have one more story about sipping a ginger tea that was too hot but you can guess how it ends

your genitals are a warzone user

and it sounds like you're losing

> making hot sauce
> don't have a blender
> bust out burr mixer fine mist of habenero fills the air
> lie down in tub with the water on

Bad day.

Pic unrelated.

brutal AF

I nearly died crying from laughter imagining you in the tub trying to use a straw as a snorkel

...

>making beer batter fish and chips
>putting the fish in the oil
>slips out of my fingers
>hits the bottom of the frying basket
>shits gonna stick if I don't get it off of there
>lift it up with my tongs
>fish is now safe from sticking but there is some batter on my tongs
>hmm don't want that to cook/dry on there and be hard to clean
>wipe it off with my bare hand
>could literally hear my skin sizzling as it made contact

...

how do you know that's a woman? the handwriting isn't bubbly or curvey, and while there is an emoji-type thing it's not particularly invested

I'd say this is a male

I keep grabbing my food thermometer's probe bare-handed, I cannot fucking remember I just pulled that tiny metal L out of a 400 degree oven. I did it twice yesterday.

All of my scariest kitchen moments were touching shit I damn well knew I shouldn't touch. I had a handle callous burned into my hand for a month last year from my stainless steel pan going from oven to stovetop and muscle memory telling me to giving the pan a quick bare-handed shake.

I really deserve to get hurt, I cut shit in my hand without a cutting board all the time.

>here's your controller, bro

>just finish me already

Tbh that probably wasn't a Pyrex dish

The intention
Women pull the whoops I'm so quircky shit all the time thinking people can't get mad at them because they are cute
A man knows he is getting yell at for being a moron

>just moved
>finally a kitchen to call my own woooo
>got new stuff
>unpacking hand blender
>blade in separate plastic casing
>stuck
>try to get out
>won't budge
>lift head up to answer someone
>blade comes out
>cleanly shears the skin off distal joint on thumb
>scrapes over tendon
>skin flap still attached, just hanging there chilin'
>blood everywhere

Good times.

Hint: if you're similarly autistic, get a grown up or a less valuable friend to do this for you.

I've nearly sheared the tips of my fingers off using a mandolin without the stupid pronged handle thing.

I get its for safety but fuck, I'd rather just run a cucumber over the blade than bothering to skewer it.

>get drunk
>try to cut the foil off the top of the bottle of wine so i can stick it up my ass
>knife slips and stabs me in the thumb
>lots of blood and scar
>still stuck the wine bottle up my ass

Putting a food wrapped in foils in the microwave.

Did he died?

I actually haven't had any, other than small cuts when slicing produce, or the odd hot oil drop flying fron a hot pan. Though my experience as a cyclist tells me that the longer you go on without having an accident, the worse it'll be when it happens, and it WILL happen.

>have leftover sandwich from restaurant in styrofoam togo box
>put it in microwave anyway but not for very long
>come back and box is all contorted and a hole started forming in the bottom
>eat sandwich anyway
I probably have cancer.

>be like 13
>know absolutely nothing about cooking even premade meals
>homealone
>boxed mac and cheese
>constantly texting parents asking what to do
>get waaaaay too big pasta pot with a strainer pot inside it
>start boiling the perfectly measured amount of water
>water boils away and evaporates without me noticing somehow
>thought it still wasn't boiling
>too afraid to even touch pot to check
>pot was fucking empty most of the time
Goddamn I was a retard.

Just use a pot holder all the time. Make it habit that you reach to do each and every time you do something, not just when something is hot. No mental math. Only way to break this issue is putting in this failsafe. Have a few choices, from the towel at your waistband, to gloves to soft flexible ones.

Those restraints were for YOUR safety human.

>roommate used extension cord for deepfryer
>need cord, see one end laying on the floor
>yank it without checking other end
That was an incredible mess to clean up.
I also dropped a mug of chocolate milk from an inch high onto the counter, pic related the result.
And another time, a plastic bowl with yoghurt, it landed on its edge, which made it bounce up while spinning madly. There was a perfect line of yoghurt from one end of the kitchen to the other, up both walls, stopping just below the ceiling.

Only time I ever messed up bad was pulling a casserole out of the oven. Pot holder slipped a bit and instead of just dropping the thing I slowly put it on the counter because I didn't want to make a mess. Burned the shit out of my left hand.

>drunk
>scooping ice cream into glass cup
>cup breaks
>salvage what i could and eat anyway
just a bad decision while drinking

>peeling potatoes
>slice finger
other than that, i cant think of anything else

>make pies
>pull out of oven
>put on rack to cool
>five minutes later hear a glass shatter
>pie pan violently exploded
>shards embedded in the wall level violent

That's when I learned Pyrex changed the glass materials they use.

Maybe it wasn't the real stuff

He's right, the formulation has changed.

Pyrex cookware used to be made from borosilicate glass. That's very resistant to temperature shock. These days they use ordinary soda-lime glass instead, but they temper it. That means it is more likely to break from thermal shock, but OTOH when it does break it breaks into tiny little pieces which are less hazardous. If you break borosilicate glass (by dropping it, for example) then you end up with big knifelike shards that are more likely to hurt you.

Frankly I prefer the old borosilicate formulation.

Nah, it was. Pyrex used to be great until they switched out their borosilicate. It's a shame, too. They used to be the #1 trusted brand.

men do this cutesy shit all the time, they just normally only do it with their significant other instead of with everyone around them

i'm pretty positive that's a guy from the handwriting, but i don't see any reason to think it's a bad thing that someone made a mistake then apologized to their partner with a note regardless of gender

>He's right, the formulation has changed.

Only in the USA, the 1st world actually uses borosilicate

t. woman

It just can't possibly be a woman's fault, right? Muh stronk womyn dindu nuffin.

>Worked freight in a big chain store for a while.
>Had to unpack pallets of freight by hand.
>Big Samoan dude I worked with grabbed a box of Pyrex.
>I told him jokingly that they make that shit unbreakable.
>He looks at the box in his hands and chucks on the bed of the freight truck.
>"Guess it does break."

>Maybe it wasn't the real stuff
No, they actually did change. Old stuff is better and larger temperature extreme rated.

What do you think? Was the wire rack really cold? Was your house cold? Do tell!

I prefer pyrex pie pans, I think they make a crisper bottom crust on my raw crust pies like pecan pie. Just curious if you learned something from your experience.

Why the fuck are you shilling for Pyrex?

I'm not shilling for Pyrex . . .I simply stated that the rest of the world uses borosilicate and USA uses the cheaper glass.

you're the one ignoring obvious clues faggot

women fuck up all the time, but that probably was a man

You're a moron. A guy wouldn't bother writing this shit they'd just find a way to seperate it or order a new ring, a lazy, useless woman, on the other hand, would make it into a """joke""" and make the man fix it. So later when he comes home she can just laugh it off like she isn't a complete fucktard wasting his money and ruining their house with her stupidity.

i keep dropping food on the floor by mistake.

problem is i'm a chef.

also dipped my thump into a big boiling pot of beans while transferring it today, had to hold the pain in until it was over.

they tasted good.

I burned rice in a microwave once.

i was 9 and i decided to microwave playdo because it was ultra dry

after NUKING it i touched the playdo and it was still cold and hard so decided to remove the cup to add some water, now until this moment i hadn't touched the cup itself, just the playdo.

spend the night with my left hand in a bowl of water

HOW

That's the only thing that women can do naturally, and if they can't, then don't even fuck with them

Are you trying to make yourself infertile

Yeah, no. More men have no idea what they're doing in the kitchen than women.

Are you me?

Unless he was a beta cuck.

That's a mans handwriting.

One time I turned on the oven to preheat and some fucking idiot in my family put a bunch of pizza boxes into it to get them out of the way

There was a small contained fire that I moved to the sink with tongs and a spatula

FUCKING WOMEN. A WOMAN THAT CANT COOK IS COMPLETELY USELESS.

I agree with the other user. I'm starting to think it's not actually a woman.

dulce de leche is my guess. Could be something else.

>hand blender

IMPOSSIBLE.

I really want that mug. Where did you get it?

>washing dishes after cutting up meat
>Soapy basin full of soaking plates bowls and FUCKING KNIVES
>REACH IN JUST CLAWN AT A FUCKING KNIFE
>SLICE MY HAND THE FUCK OPEN

>have a lot of trouble with my hands but do everything I can anyway because i don't want to feel like an invalid
>cooking with a friend
>grating something
>"don't grate your hand, user"
>"im not that stupid"
>10 seconds later with blood streaming down my hand
>"actually that was the shredding side so fuck off"

That pic is from a few years ago, at my parents' place, and they've had it for as long as I can remember.
I'll send my mom a text, I'll keep you updated.

>>have a lot of trouble with my hands but do everything I can anyway because i don't want to feel like an invalid
I feel ya. What's wrong with your hands?
I've got rheumatoid arthritis myself, can barely move the fingers of my right hand, which can be a real inconvenience, especially when peeling something, or when I need to knead something.

Do you have some sort of secret subconscious body dismorphia with your dick, user?

A mixture of things caused by EDS.
I have arthritis and my joints dislocate seemingly at random.

I'm glad you are keeping on though man, it's good to be able to just get on with things even if they are somewhat harder.

Yeah, fuck this body, I keep on trucking. Thank god for good utensils too.
Godspeed, my man!

I think the handwriting is gender-neutral, more or less, but I did have a male roommate that did this to my plastic cutting board.

He also would store his baking trays in the oven, turn the oven on, remember the trays were inside, and then try to remove the hot metal trays with his bare hands. He was kind of a cuck.

You fucking heathen. I slapped someone's face at work for dropping knives into the dishpit and made them fish them out. Thankfully, they were too cowed to whine to the manager, so I never had to give a fake apology.

I'm mainly just a dumbfuck when it comes to cooking, so most of my injuries are from not thinking. Mainly it's grabbing a hot pan bare handed, or pulling a tray out of the oven without putting on a glove or something. Most memorable one is this:

>be me, be drunk
>decided to use fancy new ceramic knife to cut some chicken
>grab knife, open fridge, grab chicken
>drop chicken, drop knife in attempt to catch it
>try to catch knife because that shit will shatter
>somehow slice open the back of my arm with the knife
>trip to A&E and 5 staples
>saved the knife though

When I worked dish the new "head chef" dropped his knives into the sink and told us to wash them. Manager saw and screamed at him to get his knives out of the sink so loud they had to comp half the dining floor.

That's some serious hazing. I'm glad your manager stood up for you.

If I worked in your shop, I don't care if it was as dishwasher, and you slapped my face, your face would be unrecognizable afterwards.

>branded my arm with a 400°F oven rack (got a neat mark now)
>boiled my pinky with a water caught in a pair of tongs while checking noodles
Meh

Very macho posturing. I'm glad that your self esteem is that strong.

There's nothing really that I could say in return, for there's no cause for you to believe me. On my side of the screen, though, I'll suppose that it's statistically likely that I'm younger and more in shape than you. I've almost definitely killed a grand total of one more person than you. Also, most people tend to have a loud mouth but don't know how to actually respond you bother to hit their face. The cook just stood there, suddenly quiet, like a sad and confused animal.

The "first world" meaning the Arab Nation of Europe?

>like a sad and confused animal.

Well, that doesn't describe what my reaction would be. You were lucky. I'm not small, 6'3 and 210lbs, but of course I'm no professional fighter. You wouldn't have even considered slapping a person that looks like me. Because you know, no matter what, win or lose, you're going to suffer damage. And if I were provoked like that, you'd better either knock me out quick, or use a weapon.

You're essentially a little, pussy, bully who picked on a soft target. Count your blessings, faggot.

Calm down, tough guy

I'm sorry but Americans lost all right to make fun of other countries 1 week ago.

I don't have any bad ones but I got a silly one. I dropped my knife and it stuck into the floor in between my big toe and my other toe. When I tried to pull it out the floor I yanked the handle off and whacked myself in the face with it.

You're right, it isn't nice for the winner to pick on the retards

>This is what happens when you make children swear allegiance to your country every morning.

Maybe in the 50s

>Can do naturally
There is nothing natural about cooking
It went from being a necessity to a commodity
No wonder it's men the ones out cooking women now that's about getting the best value for your buck

When people realize their quality of life is directly influenced by their economy sure
Even if you are a doctor or a lawyer if everyone is poor so are you

>budhighzer
fucking ayyyy

>this is what happens when fags like you can't handle the bantz

Stephen Colbert eating popcorn with 3D glasses and an amused expression.jpg

wa la

That's a spicy meatball.

cooking a can of condensed milk

Maybe in your mom's generation.
Women don't teach their children how to cook anymore.

Of course it would. Are you enjoying those four weeks off before you can cop unemployment benefits?

>More men have no idea what they're doing in the kitchen than women.

lol @ you delusional Cunt.

95% of zagat and michelin rated chefs are all men.

The only reason women traditionally cooked is because you are pretty much useless doing anything else.