"Why are breakfast foods breakfast foods?" I asked them. "Like, why don't we have curry for breakfast food?"

Jules: You ever think about why breakfast foods are breakfast foods?
Vincent: What are you talkin' about?
Jules: You know, like, who was the first muthafucka to come along and say that eggs can only be breakfast food?
Vincent: What do you want, do you want to have fuckin' breakfast for dinner or some shit?
Jules: I don't want fuckin' breakfast for dinner, I want some fuckin' eggs for dinner without some muthafucka telling me I'm eating muthafuckin' breakfast!
Vincent: Alright, Jeez. If it's so fuckin' important to you I'll get behind you on it.
Jules: Thank you.

You're seriously deluding yourself if you think John Green takes his characters seriously. He writes them as who they are : privileged kids confronted to existential issues. Hazel is going through a phase of angst, she's not aware of the absurdity of existence so she's denying it through infinite, sometimes ridiculous, ontological interrogations.

pretty good

This is good. I like you.

wow I hate you now

10/10

Posting best Seinfeld version.

I love how not a single word is changed.

because seinfeld is also shit

here, I'mma rewrite this shit

------

Why be these foods the ones for consumption at breakfast time |brekky brekky smile eggs scrambled bacon in aditione| know why not eat curry?

Haze my, haze my dear please eat ()

But mom, O mom, where come the eggwill?

POPS (OS IMPLETVM): 汝返國, 早飯晚飯?

HAZEL: NON VOLO "PRANDIVM SICUT CENAM" HABERE : nigga I want scrambled eggs for din din with no prejudices, bitch.

Maman: putain j't'déteste, con, mais si ça c'est ton problème, on te supporte

scivi stultum esse, but yo i was be cry for scrambled eggs

Ezra?

I like your style, user.

Nah. It's an entirely different dynamic. Also, the OP is harmless.

I'll never get over how good this is

Very realistic dialogue which captures the utter banality of everyday conversion. A truly masterful scene.

The difference is we're supposed to take hazels ontological musing seriously. Whereas we know George is a neurotic moron so we just laugh at him and his stupid chatter.

shut up faggot

>criticising a literal children's author

What other literature shall we critique today, Veeky Forums? I hear some of the writing in Barney & Friends is pretty shit.

>Just as the Bradys were getting locked in jail, Lara randomly asked me, “Have you ever gotten a blowjob?”
>“Um, that’s out of the blue,” I said.
>“The blue?”
>“Like, you know, out of left field.”
>“Left field?”
>“Like, in baseball. Like, out of nowhere. I mean, what made you think of that?”
>“I’ve just never geeven one,” she answered, her little voice dripping with seductiveness. It was so brazen. I thought I would explode. I never thought. I mean, from Alaska, hearing that stuff was one thing. But to hear her sweet little Romanian voice go so sexy all of the sudden...
>“No,” I said. “I never have.”
>“Think it would be fun?”
>DO I!?!?!?!?!?!?! “Um. yeah. I mean, you don’t have to.”
>“I think I want to,” she said, and we kissed a little, and then. And then with me sitting watching The Brady Bunch, watching Marcia Marcia Marcia up to her Brady antics, Lara unbuttoned my pants and pulled my boxers down a little and pulled out my penis.
>“Wow,” she said.
>“What?”
>She looked up at me, but didn’t move, her face nanometers away from my penis. “It’s weird.”
>“What do you mean weird?”
>“Just beeg, I guess.”
>I could live with that kind of weird. And then she wrapped her hand around it and put it into her mouth.
>And waited.
>We were both very still. She did not move a muscle in her body, and I did not move a muscle in mine. I knew that at this point something else was supposed to happen, but I wasn’t quite sure what.
>She stayed still. I could feel her nervous breath. For minutes, for as long as it took the Bradys to steal the key and unlock themselves from the ghost-town jail, she lay there, stock-still with my penis in her mouth, and I sat there, waiting.
>And then she took it out of her mouth and looked up at me quizzically.
>“Should I do sometheeng?”
>“Um. I don’t know,” I said. Everything I’d learned from watching porn with Alaska suddenly exited my brain. I thought maybe she should move her head up and down, but wouldn’t that choke her? So I just stayed quiet.
>“Should I, like, bite?”
>“Don’t bite! I mean, I don’t think. I think—I mean, that felt good. That was nice. I don’t know if there’s something else.”
>“I mean, you deedn’t—”
>“Um. Maybe we should ask Alaska.”
>So we went to her room and asked Alaska. She laughed and laughed. Sitting on her bed, she laughed until she cried. She walked into the bathroom, returned with a tube of toothpaste, and showed us. In detail. Never have I so wanted to be Crest Complete.
>Lara and I went back to her room, where she did exactly what Alaska told her to do, and I did exactly what Alaska said I would do, which was die a hundred little ecstatic deaths, my fists clenched, my body shaking. It was my first orgasm with a girl, and afterward, I was embarrassed and nervous, and so, clearly, was Lara, who finally broke the silence by asking, “So, want to do some homework?”

Is this fucking real? Why do kids these days like this shit?

he could have at least found a better word than "penis"

>Very realistic dialogue which captures the utter banality of everyday conversion. A truly masterful scene.
i honestly agree with this
it reads like something you would have seen on Highdeas- it feels like the 2deep4u conversations you had in High School

...

>he could have at least found a better word than "penis"
Bulbous Salutation

am I wrong for enjoying sentimental stuff like this?

Is it not a mundane event that you might see in the real world?

I don't use this word lightly and I don't browse /pol/.

But man, he's a fucking degenerate.

I don't know why he does all of his deep thinking around breakfast time.

Not that I'm any kind of Chad but even I can tell this guy didn't get any in high school.

I love the bass at the end.

Technically every meal is breakfast. You're always breaking a fast.

you forgot about the part where they all dance in a circle around a black cock

>sometimes ridiculous, ontological interrogations
>ontological

>i'll take "throws in words i don't know how to use correctly to sound smarter on the internet for $500," alex

He has a point. It is just food that can be eaten at any time. I've made waffles, bacon, sausage, eggs, etc for supper or lunch.

thats actually a really refreshing perspective, i learned something from your post. thanks

Honestly makes this dialogue acceptable

fuck

it just works.

Curry for breakfast would make your breath stink all day.

>國
>繁体字

This is pretty bad, so much pandering to "common" sensibilities. It's the sort of cute kid dilemma an inspired ad man would write into a commercial for asda.

This thread is full of people using the word ontological without understanding what ontology is.

>During the week of July 29, 2012, Looking for Alaska broke into the New York Times best seller list at number ten in Children's Paperback, 385 weeks (more than seven years) after it was released.
>Children's Paperback

>fat pink mast

he looks like Sid from toy story

Seriously, how did he become a best selling author? I get that there's money to be made in YA but why specifically him?

It's like they've never taken a philosophy course at the university level.

Fun fact: Eggs are only seen as breakfast food thanks to a huge push from Chicken farmers and associated lobbyists.

Not bad when visualizing the actual characters saying it.

>2016
>not putting a fried egg on your hamburger
ISHYGDDT

looks pretty tasty to be quite fucking honest.

youtube.com/watch?v=Bl5OFosjNZE

I can totally see this.

Fucking gold.
Kill yourself

>Alaska sat down on her computer to research some stuff for her homework assignment. When she scrolled through the text on the screen, she saw that one optical illusion that you might see while looking at those wooden fence-things on the side of the road, that one where the individual posts almost look like they're invisible when they're really not.
>"Ugh, why can't I find anything anywhere on post-Kantian object oriented ontology?" she asked out loud, not caring whether her parents heard her.
>They did, and her Mother came into the room. "Still researching stuff, honey?"
>Alaska thought of a response that would demonstrate her extreme distaste for her Mother's question and her use of the term "honey"; if she had just left that one word out, her question wouldn't have sounded nearly as campy and annoying. But the only response she could muster was a sustained grunt, which prompted her Mother to leave the room. When she went back to researching, she noticed a spider in the corner of the ceiling, making a beveled web up there.
>"Oh great", she said out loud. "I'll deal with it later. I have to get back to work."
>So Alaska went on researching Judith Butler's postmodern critique of anthropocentrism in modern culture, and as the hours passed, her notes became flooded with awkward summarizations, and the words became meaningless combinations of images on the screen. She did not avert her gaze on the screen for a full three hours, as the rhythm of type, click, read, click, type, became more and more exaggerated over time.
>Alaska woke up from this state of trance, and decided she needed to get up and do something. She figured it was about time to get rid of the spider.
>When she turned around, what she saw freaked her out beyond belief. The once small bevel of web on the ceiling was now a gigantic blanket of white, and the spider was nowhere to be seen, likely lost somewhere in the web.
>"OH MY GOD WHAT?!?!?!" she screamed. If her parents hadn't gone out on a trip an hour ago, they would have heard this loud exclamation, after which they would have promptly opened up her bedroom door, saw the web, and then vacuumed it with ease. Alaska didn't think to do this, however. She tried to pull the web off, but when her hand made contact with the web, it stuck to it. Trying to get it off, she used her other hand, but it got stuck too. So there she was, pulling on a giant web on the ceiling with both hands stuck to it like cement. Finally, with one great pull, it fell down and wrapped around her entire body, covering her like a mummy.
>Her arms flapped around like a bird's, trying to get it off. But it wouldn't. And as she resisted, it constricted more and more, pulling on her limbs. She violently flung herself onto the floor, where she proceeded to convulse on her belly like a Penguin dancing on ice. Let's just say she was surfing the web

>To research some stuff
Devilish slick tongue he's got there.

>they would have . . . saw the web,
Literary genius

He already had a pre-existing fanbase through youtube.

Imagine if you heard someone speaking like that in real life. You'd want to punch their fucking teeth in.

dude, hating social norms means im smart and freethinking tho

>The thing Alaska did next scared and shocked and surprised me in a way nothing had ever ever scared or shocked or surprised me until that moment, a moment which lasted no longer than one sharp intake of breath but one I have no doubt will last my entire life. She said 'I love you'. Not 'You're cool' or 'I had a really fun time' or 'Do you always kiss like that?' I love you. As in 'I, Alaska Young, love you, Miles Halter'. As in 'I Alaska Young have not only noticed that you Miles Halter exist but I positively adore the fact that you do'. I exhaled. Alaska did too and for the first time I realized she was as scared as I was of admitting the way she felt. I stepped forward and held her hips. 'Are you sure?' I asked. 'I think so!' she replied, smiling. I must have pushed her backwards because just then her body nudged the lightswitch and the room became as dark as my life was without Alaska in it. Laughing, she slipped out of my grasp and disappeared somewhere inside the room. I reached out like a blind man searching for the object that might grant him sight. Truly, I was Looking for Alaska.

why is she reading wikipedia for kant instead of actually reading kant?

God I genuinely can't even finish one excerpt, it's almost like it's hurting my eyes

>they believe these are actual excerpts

>Truly, I was Looking for Alaska.

we dont read john green like you

>Let's just say she was surfing the web

>Alas, I had found the Fault in Our Stars

I was under that impression for a long time, but actually Looking for Alaska was published before he started on YouTube.

>Truly, I was Looking for Alaska.

I want to facefuck John Green

I want to cook a part of his brain and feed him with it.

For fuck's sake, Lara isn't even a Romanian name. Funny thing is, I do know a kid named Lara, but the parents are a couple of hipster-yuppies who would do a thing like that.

And something else: a Romanian person who had that dreadful, caricatural accent would have probably asked "did you ever get a blow job?" instead of "have you ever gotten". That's a common mistake Romanian natives who are not very proficient in English do because Romanian only has a perfect tense and a past perfect and it doesn't make the perfect tense/past tense distinction that English does.

t. professional Romanian

haha cannibal the hanniball xD guys we have a PSYCHOPAT H here

Gyppo pls

lol that's pretty scary u have to admit

The wikipedia entry on ontology would suffice for the attempted conversations here. That's not to denigrate this thread, but, christ, why do people use a word that if they don't have even a basic grasp of its meaning?

You just know reading that Hazel is annoying as FUCK.

It's just my interpreation and it doesn't make this part any less bad.

Why are breakfast foods breakfast foods? I asked them. Like, why don't we have tortillas for breakfast food?
The kid, eat.
But why? he asked. I mean, seriously: How did beans get stuck in with breakfast exclusivity? You can put scalps on a sandwich without anyone freaking out. But the moment your sandwich has an beans, boom, it's a breakfast sandwich."
The Judge answered with his mouth full. When you come back, we'll have breakfast for dinner. Deal?
I don't want to have breakfast for dinner, the kid answered, crossing knife and fork over his mostly full plate. I want to have tortillas for dinner without this ridiculous construction that tortillas-inclusive meal is breakfast even when it occurs at dinnertime.
You've gotta pick your battles in this world, the kid," Glanton said. But if this is the issue you want to champion, we stand behind you.
Quite a bit behind you, the Judge added, and the priest spat.
Anyway, the kid knew it was stupid, but he felt kind of bad for tortillas.

I believed this was real until the final sentence.

thanks

>people are such scrubs when it comes to Seinfeld they would think george would use phrases like "breakfast exclusivity" and "construction".

he writes worse than 90% of posters in critique threads. What the fuck is this?

That passage in particular, I'm fairly certain is a parody.

...

I shed tears.

>mfw Dan Brown
>mfw Christopher Paolini
>mfw John Green
You know what? I should write a book. If these clowns can 'make it' as writers than I should have a chance. Ah, who am I kidding. I guess I'd be happy with a handful of people reading what I write, though.

lmao thank you for complementing my writing

...

My banal conversations were much better than this. I remember hearing about that anti rape condom and saying Jesus, why don't women just train trap door spiders to live in their vaginas? Bad dick comes in and BOOM lethal venom injected right in his fucking dick, his dick bloats up into a horrifically swollen and bruised mess and will probably never be able to achieve erection again, guy is possibly killed by the fast circulation of the venom through his system. All the girl has to do is throw it a bug once in awhile (spiders don't need to eat that much) and put it in a cup next to the bedside before having sex, and thoroughly douche. Plus the symbolism of it all could make marketing it very easy, it's a girls protect girls kind of thing since naturally one would use a female trap door spider due to its larger size and increased ferocity.

My friend retorted by saying that a rapist could just train a digger wasp to rest in his underwear and release it prior to rape. The wasp would attack the spider, injecting it with paralytic venom and laying its young inside of it, after which it could be safely removed and the rape could commence unhindered.

My concluding statement was that the vagina is an enclosed space and as such it follows that one of these combatants might miss their target, injecting venom into the vaginal wall causing severe swelling rendering the passage unnavigable to all but the smallest penises and as such limiting the utility that the rapist could derive from the act of rape to that which could be extracted from her mouth, anus or eyesockets. Unfortunately this exposed a flaw in my argument that my friend reducto ad absurdum'd on me, that it would be impractical to train spiders to guard each of one's holes and that rapists would likely learn to avoid holes that are commonly trapped, and that it was doubtful that one could train a spider to rest quietly in one's mouth due to the constant movement of warm air and teeth surrounding it causing its primal instinct to avoid being eaten to kick in.

Someone should write this in the style of John Green

genius