Just as the Bradys were getting locked in jail, Lara randomly asked me, “Have you ever gotten a blowjob?”

>Just as the Bradys were getting locked in jail, Lara randomly asked me, “Have you ever gotten a blowjob?”
>“Um, that’s out of the blue,” I said.
>“The blue?”
>“Like, you know, out of left field.”
>“Left field?”
>“Like, in baseball. Like, out of nowhere. I mean, what made you think of that?”
>“I’ve just never geeven one,” she answered, her little voice dripping with seductiveness. It was so brazen. I thought I would explode. I never thought. I mean, from Alaska, hearing that stuff was one thing. But to hear her sweet little Romanian voice go so sexy all of the sudden...
>“No,” I said. “I never have.”
>“Think it would be fun?”
>DO I!?!?!?!?!?!?! “Um. yeah. I mean, you don’t have to.”
>“I think I want to,” she said, and we kissed a little, and then. And then with me sitting watching The Brady Bunch, watching Marcia Marcia Marcia up to her Brady antics, Lara unbuttoned my pants and pulled my boxers down a little and pulled out my penis.
>“Wow,” she said.
>“What?”
>She looked up at me, but didn’t move, her face nanometers away from my penis. “It’s weird.”
>“What do you mean weird?”
>“Just beeg, I guess.”
>I could live with that kind of weird. And then she wrapped her hand around it and put it into her mouth.
>And waited.
>We were both very still. She did not move a muscle in her body, and I did not move a muscle in mine. I knew that at this point something else was supposed to happen, but I wasn’t quite sure what.
>She stayed still. I could feel her nervous breath. For minutes, for as long as it took the Bradys to steal the key and unlock themselves from the ghost-town jail, she lay there, stock-still with my penis in her mouth, and I sat there, waiting.
>And then she took it out of her mouth and looked up at me quizzically.
>“Should I do sometheeng?”
>“Um. I don’t know,” I said. Everything I’d learned from watching porn with Alaska suddenly exited my brain. I thought maybe she should move her head up and down, but wouldn’t that choke her? So I just stayed quiet.
>“Should I, like, bite?”
>“Don’t bite! I mean, I don’t think. I think—I mean, that felt good. That was nice. I don’t know if there’s something else.”
>“I mean, you deedn’t—”
>“Um. Maybe we should ask Alaska.”
>So we went to her room and asked Alaska. She laughed and laughed. Sitting on her bed, she laughed until she cried. She walked into the bathroom, returned with a tube of toothpaste, and showed us. In detail. Never have I so wanted to be Crest Complete.
>Lara and I went back to her room, where she did exactly what Alaska told her to do, and I did exactly what Alaska said I would do, which was die a hundred little ecstatic deaths, my fists clenched, my body shaking. It was my first orgasm with a girl, and afterward, I was embarrassed and nervous, and so, clearly, was Lara, who finally broke the silence by asking, “So, want to do some homework?”

Looking for Alaska broke into the New York Times best seller list at number ten in Children's Paperback.

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=fHMPtYvZ8tM
youtube.com/watch?v=LATPfqT4118
twitter.com/AnonBabble

Cringeworthy dialog.

>Randomly
Stopped there. Can we stop memeing about this guy, please?

Is this all the book is?
A series of wacky misadventures where they become lost and have to try to find Alaska to ask her how to do whatever it is they're trying to do? Is that why it's called looking for Alaska?
Do they try anal?

>Do they try anal?
You wouldn't believe what they all tried. What I am saying is true: all of it.

I'm dissapointed in you, giving up the rise that quickly.

Pegging? Bagpiping? Snowballs?

>all of the sudden...
THIS
IS
WRONG
AND
SHIT
WRITING

IT'S
>All of a sudden
YOU
FUCKING
MENSTRUAL BLOOD DRINKING KEKOLD FUCKBABY MONGOL DICKRIDERS

>Never have I so wanted to be Crest Complete.

He's not even in the Diamond Dozen, he's stuck with guys like Chester Drawers.

The guy is not linguistically talented for sure. And I find his writing to be a bit like an uncynical, optimistic /r9k/ poster.

That's not real, is it?

It is. Here he is defending it.

youtube.com/watch?v=fHMPtYvZ8tM

>On the last night of these 'celebrations', Alaska, in an intoxicated state, kisses Pudge and they are about to have sex. However, she is too sleepy to continue and asks to leave it "to be continued" as they fall asleep together. In the middle of the night, Alaska receives a phone call which causes her to go into hysterics. She insists that she has to leave. Pudge and the Colonel agree to help her leave the school premises by distracting Mr. Starnes with another set of fireworks. Alaska drives away while drunk and gets into a car accident that kills her instantly.
toppest kek, why john

Dumb slut deserved it. I'm glad she died and didn't kill anyone else.

>not killing communist pigs

Top cuck.
I guess it's true, writers can only write what they know.

>Green attended Indian Springs School, a boarding and day school outside of Birmingham, Alabama. During the time he was a student there, a student died under circumstances similar to the character of Alaska.[7][8]

It's true.

This makes me hate the guy. I didn't before.

never actually watched a video of his, or read anything, but wow he's fucking insufferable

>“Um, that’s out of the blue,” I said.
>“The blue?”
>“Like, you know, out of left field.”
>“Left field?”
Bendis?

He's not much different to the typical /r9k/ poster, except in that he got married and got laid.

Can we please just bury this guy, it's enough to have to deal with people who think they understand things because they watched his dogshit little five minute video on the topic in which he demonstrates that he doesn't even understand it himself.
It isn't even a good meme, like pure ideology and so on and so on, it's just fucking pathetic.

But the woman he pined for only started liking him after his book became a hit. He did get laid eventually, but he basically had to become a Chad. At least as close as someone like John Green could get.

>jumpcuts after literally every sentence
>constantly raised eyebrows
How can one """man""" be this obnoxious?

wait a second,did he actually wrote this cringy dialogue?jesus,and people still defend this faggot

>Heh... in the end, I truly was, the Crest Complete™

>The thing Alaska did next scared and shocked and surprised me in a way nothing had ever ever scared or shocked or surprised me until that moment, a moment which lasted no longer than one sharp intake of breath but one I have no doubt will last my entire life. She said 'I love you'. Not 'You're cool' or 'I had a really fun time' or 'Do you always kiss like that?' I love you. As in 'I, Alaska Young, love you, Miles Halter'. As in 'I Alaska Young have not only noticed that you Miles Halter exist but I positively adore the fact that you do'. I exhaled. Alaska did too and for the first time I realized she was as scared as I was of admitting the way she felt. I stepped forward and held her hips. 'Are you sure?' I asked. 'I think so!' she replied, smiling. I must have pushed her backwards because just then her body nudged the lightswitch and the room became as dark as my life was without Alaska in it. Laughing, she slipped out of my grasp and disappeared somewhere inside the room. I reached out like a blind man searching for the object that might grant him sight. Truly, I was Looking for Alaska.

Goys, the more yer talk about John Green the stronger he gets.

>a moment which lasted no longer than one sharp intake of breath but one I have no doubt will last my entire life.

>her face nanometers away from my penis
For some reason thats the part that cracked me

>there is one very frank sex scene
lmfao
he cant believe this

>jumpcuts after literally every sentence
This is nearly ubiquitous to these sort of YouTube videos and I don't understand how anyone can stand watching them.

They came about as a endearingly sincere way of just talking on a subject and then self censoring or expanding points through editing. Now people do it because they want to emulate that sincerity. Or (and I suspect this of Green) to have that "cool new style" with absolutely no substance or point to it.

It's like 90s era TV youth editing in the last way, and that was often put down in a condescending af way that lots of cuts were needed because short attention spans

is this why my sister became a lesbian

It is why my uncle became a furry.

Yeah what the fuck op?

>I shoot hot bolts into you, Alaska, I make your ovaries incandescent. Your Sylvester is a little jealous now? He feels something, does he? He feels the remnants of my big prick. I have set the shores a little wider, I have ironed out the wrinkles. After me you can take on stallions, bulls, rams, drakes, St. Bernards. You can stuff toads, bats, lizards up your rectum. You can shit arpeggios if you like, or string a zither across your navel. I am fucking you, Alaska, so that you'll stay fucked. And if you are afraid of being fucked publicly I will fuck you privately. I will tear off a few hairs from your cunt and paste them on Boris' chin. I will bite into your clitoris and spit out two franc pieces.

What the hell John Green? This is a children's book?

>stop condescending to teenagers
THE IRONY

>open the door
>get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

never saw it coming and I wasn't disappointed

How did he even gain such a cultish following?

I mean I would watch this porn, this is top fap material. Submissive young japanese girl and an experienced American girl guiding her in how to suck white boy dick.

When did Brian Michael Bendis stop writing comics and write a novel?

I would like to see Donald Trump insulting this man.

How must that poor girl's parents feel? Not only have they lost their daughter, but a man has published his sexual fantasies about their little girl and the whole country is reading it.

DID YOU FUCK THE CHEERIOS THOUGH JOHN

...

Is this genuinely dialogue from his book or just a Veeky Forums meme?

and are just memeing, but OP is actually from the book.

...

didn't this guy write paper towns? and the fault in our stars?? why is he filling his face with marshmallows? isn't he supposed to be an intellectual?

WHO THE FUCK IS HANK

His imaginary friend that he dedicates all his videos to.

His alter ego who is Male to female to male trans

Never eat the Cheerios at John Green's house

This i can believe

Don't the editors usually fix this kind of shit?
How can anyone let this pass

Errors like this have become more and more frequent over time as more and more of the proof reading has become automated.

Hank is John's brother. Their conceit is that the videos they make are vlogs to the other brother, when really it's just a gimmick to talk to young teens about whatever they want. For instance, here he talks about Batman.

youtube.com/watch?v=LATPfqT4118

>this man has a successful career as a novelist

Not only do they try anal, but it progresses to a 12 person orgy that would make De Sade blush.

>"Why are breakfast foods breakfast foods?" I asked them. "Like, why don't we have curry for breakfast food?"
>"Hazel, eat."
>"But why?" I asked. "I mean, seriously: How did scrambled eggs get stuck in with breakfast exclusivity? You can put bacon on a sandwich without anyone freaking out. But the moment your sandwich has eggs, boom, it's a breakfast sandwich."
>Dad answered with his mouth full. "When you come back, we'll have breakfast for dinner. Deal?"
>"I don't want to have 'breakfast for dinner,'" I answered, crossing knife and fork over my mostly full plate. "I want to have scrambled eggs for dinner without this ridiculous construction that a scrambled eggs-inclusive meal is breakfast even when it occurs at dinnertime."
>"You've gotta pick your battles in this world, Hazel," my mom said. "But if this is the issue you want to champion, we stand behind you."
>"Quite a bit behind you," my dad added, and Mom laughed.
>Anyway, I knew it was stupid, but I felt kind of bad for scrambled eggs.

>tfw this book is taught in school
>tfw a middle aged man's high school wank fantasy is taught in school
>tfw your works will never be remembered.

>her face nanometers away from my penis.

we neal stephenson now

How do you replace all of a sudden anyways? I often use it in my shit writings.

It might suddenly come to you

I don't know, but I think it gets a pass if the narrative is in first person perspective, because humans talk in cliches.. and it's a YA novel, so it's only to be expected?

But the way John Green writes just kills me, it really does.

Yeah, I know. J.D Salinger's writing also annoyed me in a similar way, but obviously by the time I read it, calling people phoney's and saying 'ja' when the main character wasn't German was really outdated.

HAHAHAHA

the reddit-y raised-eyebrow expression is infuriating

His wife was probably a huge slut in college and this is him justifying it hahahahahaha

If I understand right, his wife did sleep around in college with John as a beta orbiter. Then she started giving him the time of day when he got rich off writing and they got married.

As stupid as this video is I'm genuinely confused as to how people on this board are 'triggered' by it. How fuckin insecure r u faggos

Curry for breakfast doesn't sound like a good idea.