Hey Veeky Forums, I wanted to know your opinion on my opening line...

hey Veeky Forums, I wanted to know your opinion on my opening line. Im working on this novella and I what I want to focus on the most is imagery. I wanted to ask your opinion about how good the prose is and where I should improve, also if it works as an opening line at all.

here it is:

When thunder strikes, three hundred thousand volts of electric anger whiplashes through your body in a second; scorches your skin tissue, melts your bone, reduces you to nothing on the ground, as your soul seeps out through your skull with the red, viscous liquid. This unfortunate calamity befell one Dr. James, who was seared to a crisp as he walked home to his precious wife and son.


so how is it Veeky Forums? I would appreciate any constructive criticism, like what I should work on or what im doing ok (if anything at all). thanks

Other urls found in this thread:

chemistryislife.com/the-chemistry-of-lightning
twitter.com/NSFWRedditVideo

It's a bit shit

Thunder is the sound, pal.

can you elaborate?

It's good OP.

Don't listen to these fags.

Continue writing and editing until it's done.

thank you

It's generic as fuck OP, also thunder is the noise, lightning is what strikes.

anything wrong with the writing specifically?

You've got two simultaneous descriptions which are mutually exclusive, and as someone said, thunder is the sound (though a thunderbolt isn't). 'Whiplashes' is the wrong word as that is something that a body being struck does (at best) and it wouldn't melt your bones but only scorch your skin, would it? You can keep some of the mutually exclusive bits and write them off as hyperbolic metaphor, but not all of it. Also look up the actual effects of being hit by lightning I guess. Anchises just came off with a limp.

That is something specifically wrong with the writing.

thank you

>When thunder strikes, three hundred thousand volts of electric anger whiplashes through your body in a second;
When lightning strikes, three hundred thousand volts of electricity jolt to earth in less than a second.

>scorches your skin tissue, melts your bone, reduces you to nothing on the ground, as your soul seeps out through your skull with the red, viscous liquid.
If you were caught in the middle of it, you would be reduced to nothing against the ground.

>This unfortunate calamity befell one Dr. James, who was seared to a crisp as he walked home to his precious wife and son.
(Delete precious, otherwise no change)

Your opener is a bit busy with imagery. Especially for a novella, you need to hook the audience as soon as possible. I know I'm not the best writer, but I did a quick once over to tighten up the clarity, and remove some of the fluff.

thank you, this is great

Please kerp writing, OP. This is hilarious.

What's Dr James a doctor of? If it's medicine explain lightning in strictly medical terms. If his a physicist, use physics etc. That way you can establish the tone/characterization up front without the contradicting & hyperbolic imagery.

One last thing
>as he walked home to his precious wife and son.
as he walked home to his precious wife's son.

That sounds a little better.

thank you! (btw he's a chemist but thats just one of the things the reader never finds out)

because its so horrible?

chemistryislife.com/the-chemistry-of-lightning

lol, thanks

To add to this, you should emphasize that his name is Tyrone.

Well, that would convince me to shut the book and keep on walking. It's hopeless.

No, no.
>as he walked home to Precious, his wife and son.
Leave it ambiguous.