Hey Veeky Forums. Rate the first paragraph of my novella. And feel free to post your own first paragraphs...

Yeah I know it isn't, I wasn't paying attention. Was actually about to write a reply correcting that. Anyways, you get the idea.

That sentence is still really weak, but it's a lot better than what you had before

I literally stopped reading as soon as I saw that, because there's a good chance the rest of it is shit.

Your readers/editor will too.

I disagree that that's a problem, although I'm curious as to why you think it is. A lot of narratives begin in precisely this way.

This is very helpful. I like "large, white, circular chamber" because it sets the scene and forces a certain slowness, but otherwise a lot of the phrases you've isolated could use excision. I don't think I'll modify the word platform with any adjectives when I edit. "Normal, speedy rate" can definitely be tossed altogether.

Thank you.

>It was the month of July, the morning sun was emerging from the clouds, and Alain was walking down a Paris street.

The opening sentence to Milan Kundera's Festival of Insignificance. You don't know what you're talking about. The passive voice is often used to strike a conversational tone.

>it was the best of times

Alright alright fine

> in b4 It was a dark and stormy night

Here's some constructive criticism:

"The arrival was disorienting" is a fine first sentence, all metaphorical and shit too

and then expound the fact it's an arrival on the platform later

keeps the momentum going

I'm not exactly sure a sentence can simultaneously be "a lot better" and still "weak," there aren't too many degrees of ineptness.

"My feet burned" is the shortest possible declaration to convey the sensation, but the narrator's tone is meant to be a little prissy and erudite.

>As always
>gawky
>Without a second thought

Learn to write, bruh. Stop using cliches and useless/misplaced words.

Thank you, user.

I had initially started with "The arrival was disorienting," but was afraid it was maybe too 'in-your-face' symbolic, although you've tempted me to revert back to it and use the second sentence to reveal that the narrator has specifically arrived on a platform.

I'll think this over. I'm already starting to like it more.

Make every word count and your prose will improve by leaps and bounds.

>my writing is at least good
>at least good
>good

kek'd

You're welcome. The first sentence is important :)

Still haven't read the rest of the paragraph, but good luck with it anyway.

Why the fuck would you ask for advice on a Tyrolese Yodelling Horse Stable?

If the question is board related it's even worse.

I think gawky is an apt word to denote the lower level in laboratory hierarchy. As a value judgment, it also sets the narrator up as non-omniscient.

I'll take your point with "As always" and "Without a second thought," although sometimes it's hard to navigate what cliches to avoid when the narration is more or less the character's speaking voice.

>things were amiss

>things
>amiss

Stop writing and read moar.

>amiss
>first result on Google dictionary: "not quite right"

Things were not quite right.

>retooling of "something is amiss" cliche.
>using things
>calling yourself good.

Something is not quite right.

>there aren't too many degrees of ineptness
But there are, though. My standards are also quite high.

Your first version of the sentence was really poor, and this one is slightly better, but still pretty meme tier.

Your writing just feels very lacking, it's definitely not something i'd want to read.

The entire paragraph is basically devoid of emotion. It may as well have been written by a robot.

That said, it's not thaaat bad. It's definitely better than anything you'd find on /r/writingprompts, but you have a long way to go before you can even match up to the bottom of the barrel posters on this board.

Good idea for a thread, hoping it can be constructive, looks to be off to a good start of actual critique even if there's a bit of shit flinging. I don't really know the proper terms for these things so forgive if it's sounds a little juvenile but I'll give you a critique.

>The arrival on the platform was disorienting.

"-ing" words used in the past tense are usually weaker than the "-ed" version, try to use them sparingly and not at the very beginning. You could try something like "I was disoriented upon arrival." You don't need to give the details of the scene in every sentence, which seems to be a problem you have throughout. I guess the idea is to clarify for the reader, but it just muddles up the prose. Good sentences, even if it isn't immediately clear how they pertain to the scene or story, are almost always going to be the best way to be clear.

>As always,
>Right away,

Bad, middle school tier transitions. Unnecessary and poor form in general. If you cut out "As always" and left the sentence it would already be better, especially because you're presenting contradictory information with "As always, x happens" followed immediately by "Right away I noticed things were amiss". Very mixed signals.

>The lights in the large, white, circular chamber, usually oppressive, were dim.

So much description and sloppy structure. Either leave out some description or divide it into multiple sentences. And if we already know something is amiss and this description immediately follows our having learned that we will assume the dimness of the lights is unusual without you having to shove "usually oppressive" in there.

>The gawky lab technicians assigned to greet all new visitors were nowhere to be seen.

I almost like this, "gawky lab technicians" is good for indirectly hinting at the nature of this place, but I would still generally advise against describing a scene with the absence of things. It's just counter-intuitive and frustrating for the reader to try and envision simultaneously what this place is like when the thing is here and when it is not. You already got critique for the steadily increasing burning sensation so I'll go to:

>But it was the violent whirring noise coming from the circular platform that alerted me to the danger.

This is detached and matter of fact in a way that is not at all conducive to a scene of trying to escape an explosion. Say what is happening and describe his reaction. You don't need to tell us that the violent whirring noise alerted him to danger moreso than dimmed lights did.

Not going to go line by line unless you really need critique on the rest. Overall I've seen much worse but it needs a lot of work and I think you may be overstating the quality which is a bad sign for future improvement.

Now that I hurt your feelings hurt mine please, this is almost character limit so I'll do a different post with my opening

>what is a homodiegetic narrator

I'm not writing from the third person, silly. Although, as you'll note, I did mention that I was worried about whether the phrase was too antiquated, so yes, this is something I'm thinking carefully of.

A lot of criticism has been fair so far, but I'm writing in the voice of an imperfect narrator, who is a character in the story, with his own linguistic mannerisms. Excising all cliches and oddities would actually hurt the story.

"The day was ripe to bleed. Sidewalks bulged thirsty along burning asphalt rivers. Mad shining metal beasts screamed and swerved down crumbling avenues. Rowhomes, red bricked walls and white pillared porches. Tenemental city blocks framed with industry's bones. Neighborhoods birthed uniform and practical until what the hopeful call humanity entered as children run distracted through screen doors. As a fountain is busted free from a fire hydrant. As a dandelion pierces concrete and raises its head into a pair of closing blades. In the front yards strewn with toys and the old men laughing over their barbeque and the easy conversation between a teenager with child and a wretched woman pushing a cart of scrap she collected that morning from the guts of fallen factories, where she had sat on a tire and smiled at the humid orange sunrise."

>imperfect narrator

SO basically an autistic with his own "linguistic mannerisms", presumably based off the author. Fair enough.

>Excising all the cliches and oddities would actually hurt the story.

Sure, sure... in pandering to Harry Potter-tier readers that would.

I was nodding my head and thinking "wow I don't have much to complain about," for the first few sentences.

Then I got to
>Tenemental city blocks framed with indsutry's bones
I'm sure you know what needs to be fixed here. You seem to have a decent grasp on writing, in general.

But what the fuck is up with the next sentence
>Neighborhoods birthed uniform and practical until what the hopeful call humanity entered as children run distracted through screen doors.

This sentence was so awkward and grammatically incorrect that picking it apart to show you exactly how would give me a headache. The following sentences would also be stronger by being paired by semicolons with a reconstruction of the former sentence.

I actually liked the last sentence, besides some obvious punctuation and tense issues

Not the OP btw, if you were hoping to receive critique back from him

Many, many, thanks mate. I had been editing for a few minutes, and a you've basically confirmed all the things that needed to be changed.

I did decide to keep the gawky lab technicians, if only to suggest without saying that "things were amiss," lol.

My only disagreement with you is on the utility of "the detached and matter of fact" tone. I think it's better suited to convey a rapid series of actions, especially when recounted in the past tense, than dwelling on the psychology of the narrator in the middle of those circumstances.

I suppose it's ultimately a matter of taste, but I'll be obnoxious and say it's a trick I'm copping from Chekov. Actions of characters described with medical detachment produces more drama: it allows the reader to fill the emotion in.

That said, here's the edit:

The arrival was disorienting. It took a few moments for my vision to adjust and for my stomach to settle. The lights in the circular chamber, usually oppressive, were dim. The gawky lab technicians assigned to greet new visitors were nowhere to be seen. The soles of my feet burned. The platform had not yet cooled down. But it was the whirring noise that alerted me to danger. Without taking the time to process the unusual state of the chamber, I leapt from the platform and dashed for the arched white door, which slid upward automatically. Behind me, a great electrical discharge erupted, which briefly cast a shadow of myself on the facing wall, and fragments of the platform shot against the walls of the chamber. The sound was horrible, like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm. I turned around to see that the destroyed platform had caught fire and that small wires poked through the holes in its ruptured frame. Then the door shut itself and I was alone in a dark hallway.

Thanks, you are definitely right. What is specifically wrong with the "tenemental city blocks..." sentence? It's not good but I'm wondering what your exact objection is. Yeah these sentences are really clumsy it's obvious I fumbled the drama of it. Sometimes I'm not sure about a section until I get feedback but it seems like being unsure is almost always a sign it should just be rewritten.

First of all awesome picture, is there some kind of transcript from this meeting?

And yeah this passage is much better. Only critique here considering your comments on personal style is "which slid upward automatically". Pretty unnecessary to introduce that particular scifi element right now considering our focus isnt on the door in particular and you can introduce it naturally just a second later.

Here's my edit:

It took a few moments for my vision to adjust and for my stomach to settle. The lights were dim. The soles of my feet burned. The platform had not yet cooled down. A whirring noise alerted me of danger. I leapt from the platform and dashed for the door. Behind me, an electrical discharge erupted, which cast a shadow of myself on the wall. Fragments of the platform flew everywhere. The sound was horrible, like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm. The platform caught fire and small wires poked through the holes in its ruptured frame. The door shut itself and I was alone in a dark hallway.

OP here.

The first sentence is great. I do like the stylistic, uh, grandiloquence? It's not Hemingway and it's not trying to be is what I'm saying, and that's cool.

What I found a little jarring was the clipped, almost photographic style of "As a fountain is busted free from a fire hydrant" giving way to the much longer, almost unpunctuated: "In the front yards... humid orange sunrise." The latter sentence seems to break your own rules, which is fine, but doing so in the first paragraph is maybe not the best place for a sudden shift in narrative register.

If you wanted me to nitpick phrases, I'm a little dissatisfied with "Sidewalks bulged thirsty" - which sounds cool - but for me, seems too abstract, too removed from common meaning. "Mad shining metal beasts screamed and swerved down crumbling avenues," though, that's great. Almost Ginsbergian.

I wonder if it's too descriptive in the sense that no immediate sense of plot emerges. I couldn't tell you what the story is about or who the characters in it are. This is something I would include, and which I think most writers would as well, but I'm interested to hear why you chose to have it purely setting-based.

>it seems like being unsure is almost a sigh it should be rewritten
Yeah, that's my general rule of thumb. Like I said, you seem to have a decent grasp on writing, so I would trust your instincts.

>Tenemental city blocks framed with industry's bones.

the latter half comes off as very clumsy and awkward. Just go for something simple like "framed with industrial bones," or "framed with the bones of industry." You could also expand upon it and make a much stronger sentence.

Yes, reading it without "which... automatically" does sound better, and the final sentence will establish the scifi-y nature of the door.

And you'll never believe it but they recorded an album together. It's called "The 'Priest' They Called Him." I managed to find a download link in the /mu/ archives, but you can probably find it on YouTube. It's mostly Burroughs reading stories and poems over Cobain's guitar distortion, but it's fucking awesome.

Thanks, appreciate the compliments and your critique is consistent with the other guy's. I realize it's a risk to introduce setting before any character or plot but I think if it is written well enough it can break that rule, and I don't like reading or writing strict plot based writing.

Okay cool, yeah it is definitely a bad sentence I just wasn't sure if there was some grammar rule I was missing.

Excruciatingly, Adam smelled the beautiful rose slowly. His breathing was only hinting at the speed of what was to follow. Next, an explosion rang out and Adam quickly took a leap from the sitting position he had positioned himself in, and sprang into a porch. It was a spring month, and the daisy's wallowed in fallow fields while leaves gustingly roamed the small roads looking for other small roads. But adam wasn't thinking about the leaves, no, he was thinking about the explosion, and he had to think quickly. With speed he ran away from the explosion and when he was doing this he bumped into a beautiful woman. Smilingly he blushed at her and said:

"Hello, I'm sorry I bumped into you".

And that is really just about how it all got started.

*record scratch*
*freeze frame

You're probably wondering how I got into this predicament. Let's go back.
Woah, not THAT back.

Hey, user.

I actually really like "Fragments of the platform flew everywhere." Excising "I turned around" and just describing what he saw is also something I'm going to consider.

I think I'm going to retain the first sentence because I want my narrator to have a sort of interventionist capacity sometimes, althouh removing it it does still read well. "The lights were dim" is the only emendation I don't like.

And this is the sort of thing I wouldn't even know how to google an answer for, but is "alerted me of danger" 'more' correct than "alerted me to danger." Is there a 'right' preposition in this case?

In short: it's boring, staid, doesn't keep my interest, and I don't give a fuck about the main character, so unless I was being paid to read it, or my best friend said that it will change my life later on, I would put it down.

Why so? I hear you ask incredulously.

It reads like set directions for someone who needs to paint plasterboards to put on a stage. Robotic instructions, jagged structure, endless repetition (The x verb y. The x verb y. The x verb y. Sentences 1, 3-6 are like this which already sets it off to a shoddy start.) Platform is repeated too many times, and I still don't understand whether it's meant to be a train platform, or something that just takes the use of "surface on which people stand on", or some other vehicle terminus...

>Without taking the time to process the unusual state of the chamber
Preceding 7 sentences are a list of all the unusual things character noticed about the state of the chamber...

It's like you're trying to start with the action (in media res) but you haven't let your readers form any opinions about who they're rooting for and why because they don't have any information, because you haven't given it to them.

All I can infer is that some guy arrived by some magical means of conveyance at what seems to be a scientific building and A LOUD EXPLOSION HAPPENS! I don't know what exploded, why it's important, what it actually looks like, but most importantly, why should I care? Why do your readers care that "things weren't as they seemed" this early on?

It gives me a Dan Brown-y thriller vibe without actually making me guilt-enjoy it. It's just not something I would read at all, sorry OP.

...

Lmao, and with that, I'm off to keep writing.

The Simon Cowell approach to criticism is soooo boring.

I will edit "without taking the time to process the unusual state of the chamber," though, so at least this was sort of a helpful post, lol.

> I'm off to keep writing.
Good, you need to.

He gave you really good advice, it's kinda annoying that you just brush it off with a laugh.

You should learn from the other user who took our critique with an appreciative attitude. He'll improve at a much faster rate than you will.

Your writing is bad, and we're giving you our time to tell you how you could make it stronger, so at least be thankful.

None of that is in the passive voice though.

>being this autistic

I've taken pretty much all the critiques appreciatively. When someone just savages another person's writing and lobs insults at its author, though, it's obnoxious. Obviously that sort of tone prevails on Veeky Forums, but it's not as badass as its anonymous authors think, lol.

I just get the sense I'm talking to a highschooler or a person with severely underdeveloped communication skills.

>and that small wires were poking through the holes in its ruptured frame like headless snakes.
MOM AM I WRITER YET

>I've taken pretty much all the critiques appreciatively.

No, you obviously haven't.

>savages another person's writing

If your writing was actually decent, it wouldn't be "savaged".

> lobs insults at its author

He didn't do that.

>highschoolers

There's high schoolers out there that can write better than you.

Ya see this is what I'm talking about.

I don't even really react negatively to a tone like this. I just think, why would a person talk to another person this way?

come back when you've published your novella to tell us we were all wrong.

the only reason i ever go into critique threads is to tear shit up

Yeah lol, that got whittled down to "small wires poked through its destroyed frame."

Now, now, I'm taking the time to tell you how to more effectively communicate with people so that you can get your ideas across to them in the future, so at least be thankful.

this was meant to be one post, right ?

I'm not really trying to be hostile here, but I think that you should really consider posting on reddit instead. This thread has been very constructive, we've given you good advice. The aggressive tone is just kinda the standard identity for this Icelandic Ice-fishing board. If I can't be at least a little snarky and hostile while giving good advice, then there isn't much point in me giving my time to terrible writers.

this

Also someone else post their openers so we don't waste this thread's potential

>I'm sure you know what needs to be fixed here. You seem to have a decent grasp on writing, in general.

lol wtf?

is this a roleplaying thread masquerading as a critique thread

Post something you've written so I can critique it and call you an idiot, please.

Okay, I'll go.

Shards of light, far away but painful in her eyes and brain. Thick liquid rising in her throat, too fast, filling her mouth and nose. She sputtered. Aching cold all through her, from the center outward until it numbed her crusted eyelids.

Gravity asserted itself suddenly and her knees buckled under her. Impacting the floor dislodged more gelatinous liquid from her lungs.

'This is not how the vid said I would wake up.'

wtf why

You sly fox you

you know why

Ahhhhhhhh!
There's enough sentence fragments and comma splices here to send me to the ER.

Did you not even look over this before you posted it, or are you just memeing?

>
>you know why
> (You)
>There's enough sentence fragments and comma splices here to send me to the ER.

The sentence structure is supposed to mimic the disorientation the character is experiencing, but thanks for the perspective!

fine. here

why was i (you)'d into this ?????

There were two entrances to the Starbucks, but she always opted for the narrower one hidden in the shadows. She always chose the same table at the back of the little room. At first she didn't speak to anyone, then she got to know the regulars of the Starkbucks, most of whom were about our age, I'd say between nineteen and twenty-five years old. She sometimes sat at their tables but most of the time she was faithful to her spot, way at the back.

>like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm
>like headless snakes

yick

You're too flippant with the similes. It's indulgent, and they aren't as good as they're straining to be. They read like you were like "ok I need a simile here and here" and sat there grinding your gears for a while and finally squeezed them out.

no not at all

Hey user. It gets the job done of setting up a story about young adults, one of whom, probably the story's focus, is a bit of a loner, introspective etc.

I like in the first sentence that you establish her personality with a choice between entrances, although "narrower one hidden in shadows" is a little vague. Maybe describe where the narrower entrance is located or even what's around it?

Ex: she always opted for the narrower one on the side of the building, or, she always opted for the narrower one overshadowed by trees from the neighboring lot.

I like the way you set the timeline quickly, although you don't need to reiterate that the "regulars" are "regulars of Starbucks."

The last sentence conveys that she's not entirely antisocial, but the sentence before accomplishes that, too. I think the only information the reader needs at this point is that her usual table is way at the back, and not that she sometimes sits elsewhere.

That said, I think the introduction could do with a little more drama. You've got an I-voice which peaks my attention, and it's speaking to a plural audience, which also peaks my attention. It might spice up the introduction if you have that voice allude to some of the sadness/struggle/catastrophe that unfolds later in the text.

Hope this helps!

>The sentence structure is supposed to mimic the disorientation the character is experiencing
Except that's not at all how you go about it. You're also not at Faulkner's level, so please don't try to cram grammatically incorrect sentence structure down my throat until you're really good at writing.

Shards of light shone with a painful radiance from a distance; her eyes and brain screamed with apparent urgency! Thick liquid began rising in her throat--too fast! She sputtered while gasping in a panicked desperation for the very essence of life. An aching cold chilled her through; numbing its prey as it spread, the chill preyed on her crusted eyelids! Gravity gave no quarter and sent her knees earthwards. The hard floor welcomed her with an impact that dislodged more gelatinous liquid from her lungs.

Something like that is how I would write it, didn't put overly too much though into it.

Your either a total moron or a shitposter

Great critique right here.

Pretty good I have nothing to add that the user above didnt. I'd say it's a B- opener as it is now. It's not bad like but it's not anything particularly special either, which is fine and an accomplishment in itself.

In the dream I became a ghost and Father too and we danced for hours without worrying about the rising prices of soy nor the increasing chance of eye-injuries-by-umbrella during rain season.

Floating down the Mississippi-Styx River on a raft, whispers of Hades and the smell of cigar smoke stuck on hair kicked my nervous system into overdrive. The shore greeted me ominously.

By the time I entered the bar for the dead and forgotten I was a trembling mess, and the cheap mascara mixed with sweat ran down my cheekbones and caressed my clenched jaw.

stop roleplaying faggot

>Behind me, a great electrical discharge erupted,
stop this

Really really good. Want to read more

What

>Really really good
Stop roleplaying, faggot.

>The shore greeted me ominously
Every time you think about using an adverb like this, please slap yourself. Actually, every time you think about using an adverb in general, you should slap yourself, and then think about what you could do instead to make the sentence stronger.

First sentence has obvious punctuation issues, but it's ok besides that, I guess.

Second sentence is alright, I like the imagery, I suppose.

The last sentence looks fine to me, but i'm on the verge of falling asleep so maybe i'm being too lenient.

Overall, it's alright. Punctuation and grammar issues aside, there's a lot you could do to make it better, but it's better than a lot of the other posts in this thread.

Thanks.

In some parts, feels like tell, not show

"As always, it took a few moments for my vision to adjust and for my stomach to settle."

(I assume by "vision to adjust" you are referring to dilation of pupils because of darkness and not focusing of blurry vision)

"As always, it took several moments to adjust to the darkness; the familiar queasiness soon settled."

First feels like MC telling us what happened. Second (I attempt) to make it feel more like we (the reader) are experiencing exactly what MC felt.

Also, as a whole, feels bulky and over descriptive in some parts.

"Behind me, a great electrical discharge erupted, which briefly cast an odd shadow of myself on the wall that I was facing, and fragments of the platform shot into the walls and ceiling of the chamber. The sound was horrible, like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm."

Like here, I think, you want readers to focus on the electrical discharge. Why add "which briefly cast an odd shadow of myself on the wall that I was facing"? It draws attention needlessly to the wall and are behind MC, then you immediately go back to describing the electrical explosion. Messes with flow and reader comprehension. Use adjectives to draw focus. Overuse can distract.

As a whole, flow feels clunky. Sentence structure is somewhat repetitive. In an action scene, you want to vary it to help the reader pace the story in their heads.

listen here bitch, only i can tell that faggot to stop roleplaying - get your own shtick

ok fine, fine.

I'll go with the standard "Stop showing off your bad taste, plebeian!"

I have a hard time imagining what your depicting despite your heavy adjective use as others have mentioned. Like there is no reference point. To be fair though, I found myself wanting to read a second paragraph.

As for using amiss, I love words like that; strong anglo-saxon words are so perfectly understood. Antiquated or not, its a great word.

Anyway, since this is a critique thread of sorts...Pic related is an attempt at first person.

>The arrival on the platform was disorienting

Our arrival into the story is disorienting.

Illuminati

k, I'll try:

"Nah, no sign of it."
He tore his head sideways and raised and dropped his shoulders carelessly, a slight nod. The top of his head shone brightly, picked loosely with fine ash hairs that fell to the side over his ear. His face in general had the form, the spell of dishonesty. The low-sitting brow, obscured dry lips, wide oval chin and broad, charging nose. It was anyone's guess as to what it was that dropped the stone in my belly about him. I couldn't pin it, but the deception sat there, it did. Between two shoulders, it did. He hunched, he smelled, his head hung low and he chewed the skin from the inside of his lips and gnawed his cheek all under a single quiver, one jagged fleshy bounce beneath the shade of his greasy mustache, and so there was never anything specific in it. Just one big beating lie. I hated him.

I'll critique these in the morning if the threads still up. About to fall asleep.

na nigga u can't even spell splebian so shit wtf ???

like wtf ?

bro come on???

Too descriptive. Thats why F. Scott isn't good and why Hemingway is. Its the same thing with screen play, the less you say the better.

you're a retard bro

f. scott was good bc he could be daisy yet still hold sincere. hemingway was a fraud. - most writers are

kek

bump

Little did Lord Firdle Dirdle realize that I'd mummy-cummed all over his sheets, so that when he applied them liberously to his body they would stick and cover his body as such that he would have the appearance of -- a mummy! A-heh heh! A-heh heh! Heh!

context: something like a coming of age story in the works. i had the idea of starting with this, and then transitioning to the dream, and then flashing back to the events which preceded it, but it's more or less some rough prose and some 3 quarters baked concepts at this point.

is starting with the calamitous and emotional 'bed thoughts' as below, then transitioning to earlier in the day a gimmick? non-linear plot has been incredibly overdone, but I would like to, if the whole thing works, end on a humorous, rather than painfully sad and tragic, note.

need prose tips, also my descriptions. i have a bad habit of combining words. ex. nightblack, starsprent, legtremble, whatever. linguistic fuckery i'm not sure i can pull off. harsh critiques would be nice.

>Cormac’s heart was a rainless storm; the drunk and humid trembling of his body would not allow his tears to fall, for he remembered a distant October morning when his father told him: “A man mustn’t cry.” Still, his chest was hot and it puffed in swells set to the chaos time of a convulsion. After sometime, after coming through a feeling of constant freefall, the static vertigo ended. His thoughts of a bloodred rain; of a deep physical sorrow; and a not-altogether sincere wish that his family wasn’t his own; these dark webs of thoughts that drowned his wish for daylight came to an end. In his hazy halfsleep, he thought of a family unplagued by drink, and seeing this, he thought of his own family, revised and abridged from sadness. The idea brought a tearful and flushed smile. He was aware of his ugliness at this moment, and he fell into uneasy dreams wrapped in his bedsheet tempest, knowing his brother was behind him on the loveseat, sipping from a short glass and running his hands through his hair.

i cannot care about this character. The voice is very salinger-influenced, but it seems to me, at least, to be the inner monologue of a much less interesting holden caulfield. i feel like holden pulled off the snot-nosed asshole, dumb little kid monologue really well, partly because what he talked about resonated and related to the actual world he was interacting in. holden talks about lying to a fellow student's mother in order to save her feelings and make the both of them feel good. this actually happens in holden's world, and thus bears some relevance to the text.

>Perhaps my greatest fault is asking question do not want the answer too

read this sentence over and over and over and over and over and over again. please! this could be done well.

in your example, while i may be missing the full picture as far as context goes, the observations about belly buttons does not follow an action. not that that is necessarily a bad thing, but the subject matter isn't interesting enough.

>Every time I look at my navel I'm reminded of a pig's tail. It winds and protrudes as if it was cut too long, and it curls and perhaps if I ate less it would form a silhouette. When I was eighteen, and still had the fresh-trimmed hair and health of youth, I would bridgejump, and my peers would drop down and look at my belly button as an oddity; it had a strange knot in it and they chalked its length up to poor butchery.

>As I lay in that dirty, cluttered basement, I remembered those times. With delight and dole equally ecause my belly button's knot formed a silhouette! I was excited at this anatomical novelty, but I quickly realized how skinny I had gotten. My stomach concaved and growled for food, it snarled and hissed when it could not find solace in the day's scraps, and the light from the gaslamp struck a tiny shadow of a navel on the wall opposite where I lay.

this went somewhere. not sure if it's great, but it's better than yours. keep writing and godspeed. writing is akin to being a god, so get good at it, and read and read and proofread, and burn and rewrite and masturbate and write about masturbating and read and read and proofread again. apparently god, the first real writer, took 7 days to make the earth. write, and proofread the next day. revisit works when you've forgotten them.

>the sound was horrible, like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm.

what the fuck does that mean? contrast loud and quiet, it may be better.

>The sound was horrible, recalling thunderwhips that cracked in otherwise silent plains.

don't take anyone seriously, but listen to everyone. you're not good enough to dismiss your critics yet. keep writing!!! what did aristotle say? something about a wise man entertaining thoughts without believing them? publishers will tear you apart, but does that mean either of you have a special grasp on what makes great literature great? no, but they're better than you, so think about what they, and other writers and critics, have to say.

>The lights in the large, white, circular chamber, usually oppressive, were dim.
Stopped reading after that.

Too much focus on internal and visual stuff without hooking the reader with a question. No emotional impact. The writing itself was merely functional and didn't create interest or any other feelings either.

Things learned after first sentence was that X arrived in Y. Second sentence says that X is adjusting to it but I don't care about X nor know enough about Y to care at this point. Third sentence has the potential to start something but you kill it right in the next one.

It's a pretty shit opening too but at least gives some valuable information, the story plays in Paris, so there is a familiar setting for most.

>Rowhomes, red bricked walls and white pillared porches.
It got boring after that.

>starting with an adverb
In the trash it goes.

>Gravity asserted itself suddenly
This reads icky and your prose flows not too well but the best opening in the thread so far.

>There were two entrances to the Starbucks
>I'd say between nineteen and twenty-five years old
Reads very amateurish, find a more elegant way to say it.

>She sometimes sat at their tables but most of the time she was faithful to her spot, way at the back.
Sometimes she did X but most of the time she did Y. Booooring.

Functional overall though, just not good.

A weird mix of interesting and boring ... I have no idea how to feel about it.

It works.

>The low-sitting brow, obscured dry lips, wide oval chin and broad, charging nose.
Stopped reading here. Too many descriptions at start.

Transparent but at least it creates interest.

Boring as fuck on the events side but the prose is pretty decent.

what is happening in this story??? is there literal water in the streets or is describing the street as an asphalt river just being out there for out-there's sake? is ripe to bleed suppose to mean rain or what? an especially 'redhot' day? i get that you're trying to make pretty words, but it doesn't make sense on first read, which is ESSENTIAL. you're putting forward two different sentiments about this neightbourhood: the calamitous, and the perfect, or suburban.

1. bleeding, thirsty, mad, metal beasts screamed, crumbling avenues, bones, blades, wretched, guts of fallen factories, sitting on a tire.

2. red bricked walls, white pillars, uniform and practical, children running around, old men laughing, easy conversation, smiling at a humid orange sunrise.

two different sentiments are expressed here. i get your idea of childhood innocence and the destruction of nature as inherent in the symbolism of the dandelion piercing concrete, only to be chopped up, but it's very vague and the language you're trying to use isn't doing your ideas, which have genuine merit, justice.

cheers dude