The lights are alive in San Francisco. They ignite the city by the bay. They Flicker and dance across the streets Where millions have been and Millions more will come. Their cascade of colors, From the red/yellow/green Of the traffic lights, To the flashing white and pink Of a neon sign that advertises The scantily clad women With their own pulsating lights inside. I followed the torrent of lights Down Columbus avenue; I waltzed with them On a Wednesday night As I navigated the sleepy street. I saw them shine on other stragglers Whose sunbaked faces rarely smile back I saw how the well-groomed faces Had developed habits of Turning away, And grimacing whenever an empty hand Was extended. As I was a foreigner to this bayside Anthill, I gazed with eyes widened and mouth Agape, And paid the price quickly with wallet Or guilt. As I quickly learned to look away And grimace. Instead I looked up and followed the lights as midnight turned to 4am. The bayside wind was stiff and cool As I found the darkened beach Where I lay my head on my backpack For the night, Though the sun soon followed me. Before the brightness and radiation Could penetrate my skin and Force my eyelids to half-mast, I wondered at the eternal tidal mirror As it played it's show, Of the living lights that Illuminated the streets Of San Francisco.
I'm not sure what you meant. Use more direct words?
Lucas Taylor
OP it doesn't 'suck' as much as it's just a notated narrative; it's not really a poem as much as it is a personal tale w/observations.
Albeit, I enjoyed it, I felt your experience, somewhat, and your ponderings were interesting, but, thematically there's no focal point - it just a sporadic set of observations in San Francisco that don't necessarily tie together unless I give a damn about you, which so happens I do.
And, it's difficult to tell; is the poem about you or is it about San Franciso?
Anyway brilliant stuff. Keep it up!
Benjamin Jenkins
I'm a Minnesota boy who took an ill advised trip out there. And thank you, I want it to be about me.
Caleb Baker
Jeebus mcgibbins..
Chase Martin
??
Juan Evans
Don't you think it's a crazy world we live in?
Jacob Gutierrez
I'm getting back to you a bit late, but I'll give you some better criticism.
Its alright. Not bad, not great, just good. It doesn't strike me any which way. Its just an outsider's string of observations.
Maybe if there were more inflection or something. There isn't really any resolution. What did you learn, why did you react this way. If you just tell me facts, its my reaction, my feelings, not yours.
Also I'd basically agree with this user
Dominic Rodriguez
Here I Go:
McDonalds Man McDonalds Man The french fries had a plan The french fries had a plan The salad bar and the ketchup made a band Cus the french fries had a plan The french fries had a plan
McDonalds Man McDonalds I know them french fries have a plan I know them french fries have a plan The cheeseburger and the shakes formed a band To overthrow the french fries plan I always knew them french fries was evil man Smelling all good and shit I don't trust no food that smells that good man I don't trust it I just can't
McDonalds Man McDonalds Man McDonalds, damn Them french fries look good tho I knew the Diet Coke was jealous of the fries I knew the McNuggets was jealous of the fries Even the McRib was jealous of the fries I could see it through his artificial meat eyes And he only be there some of the time Everybody was jealous of them french fries Except for that one special guy That smooth apple pie
Nicholas Rodriguez
I must've stumbled into a New York bar on open-mic slam poetry night.
That's ok, I prefer drinking alone at home anyways.