Itt: times during cooking/food prep when you were literally the joker

>Have access to detailed instructions for making just about every single type of food ever created by human beings, as well as the socioeconomic capital needed to acquire all and any ingredients required to make whatever I feel most like eating at any given moment.
>Go to McDonald's instead and spend time shitposting on Veeky Forums instead of cooking.

JUST A DOG CHASING CARS

>recipe calls for smoked paprika
>add regular papikra
NO MORE DEAD COPS!

>recipe says to bread the chicken
>batter it

IM THE BATMAN

>Instructions say leave to cool for 1 minute
>let it cool for two minutes

UTTER CONDEMNATION

>box says to let hot pocket stand for 2 minutes before consuming
>leave it laying flat for 1 and a half minutes then consume

ABSOLUTE MADMAN!!!

>made me some rice
>without washing it first
HONKA HONKA

>make a pot of chili
>adding_beans.gif

SPICY MEME FRIENDS

But time and energy are far harder to come by than information and capital in the modern era.

>recipe calls for vegetable stock
>use chicken stock instead
D A M A G E D

>Oatmeal box says to use water
>I used milk instead
I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN

>recipe doesn't call for garlic
>guess what i added?
MEKA LEKA HI MEKA HINEY HO

>chef says serve in a plate
>serve it on a bowl
WANT TO KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SCARS?

>working in a bar
>Only me and the dishwasher
>talking about random shit
>drunken kungfu comes up
>say that I have mastered the art of drunken cookery
>dishwasher says prove it
>CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
>spend next 4 hours stumbling around like a drunk
>wielding 2 spatulas instead of just one
>"accidentally" dropping burger patties off of one only to catch them with the other right before they hit the floor

>tfw when you will never be young again

>Breitbart
>Cuckposting

>Remove rice from stove and leave it alone for 5 minutes, fluff with fork.
>Leave it in there for 15 minutes and stir it with a wooden spoon.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a ride!'

>recipe calls for sour cream
>use light sour cream

LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY

>lightly salt pasta water
>salt it heavily
PART OF THE PLAN

>Pour salt into hand.
>Pinch and rub between thumb and finger for an even coating.
>Throw away remaining salt in sink.
SPLIT YOU LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER

>frozen pizza says 380 for 22 minutes

>do 450 for 18

THE FIRE RISES

>Breitbart
>Not obsessed with blacks and minorities...

Wew laddie

>eat blueberries
>unwashed, straight out of the container

WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?

>recipe calls for minced garlic
>grate it instead because I'm lazy

>Microwave for 3 minutes on High
>Microwave for 5 minutes on Medium

AND IF YOU TOUCH ME I WILL RIP YOU APART

>oatmeal says use milk

>use water

You have nothing to threaten me with

Used to sprinkle some of my shit (literal poo) onto this one asshole's burgers on the meat so he wouldn't notice it, then I added some mayo on top of it so he couldn't even smell that he was eating my shit
Fuck that guy, maybe he should have tipped.

>microwave burrito for 45 seconds then flip and repeat
>flip 360 degrees

BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY

>tipping

I never tip. If you aren't getting paid enough at the end of the week, that's a problem you should take up with your boss, not me.

If you boss isn't willing to oblige, find a job that isn't worthless.

>has nothing to contribute
>posts anyway
SHIET NIGGA, CALL THE COPS

>recipie calls for 2 ounces of rum
>dring the rest of the fifth

KILL ME

>I never tip.

Well enjoy the poo in your burgers

Enjoy the shit job.

>recipe tells me to share it
>print it out and hide it under the bed

It's great actually

>Recipe calls for extra virgin olive oil
>Just use olive oil

I KNOW WHY YOU PLAGUE YOURSEEEELFFFFF

>chicken nugget package says to bake them for 26 minutes at 450 degrees
>bag of fries says to bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees
>cook them for 30 minutes at 450
IF I WENT CRAZY THEN WOULD YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN

>Recipe calls for Unsalted Butter
>I use salted

I CAN'T BE TRUSTED

>recipe says to microwave for 1 and a half minutes
>I type in 90 seconds instead

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH EVERYTIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH

>relying on tips to earn a non-awful wage
>great

I earn quite a lot even without tips, they're just a bonus, I just think people who don't tip are assholes so it only follows that they should eat things that come out of my asshole

>i don't actually need tips but i want them so i'll poison your food if you don't gibs me dat
>literally being this nigger-tier

no user, you are the asshole.

The lesser asshole to blast the big asshole in the ass

user, listen to yourself. You're so greedy and self-centered you are literally calling someone a bigger asshole because they won't take part in a ridiculous depression-era practice, meanwhile you're poisoning their food.

Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself how it came to this.

You sound like an ass

...

Also I'm not poisoning their foods, I froze the poo so the bacteria would die, moron, who do you think I am, some kind of an asshole?

>come to thread
>see two poor trolls shitposting
WHY SO SERIOUS?

Sure, because freezing actually kills bacteria.
npr.org/sections/thesalt/2013/04/04/176242166/freezing-food-doesnt-kill-e-coli-and-other-germs

Do you know how strong the acid in your stomach is?
It all dies there, that's why you can swallow aids and not get aids moron

Which makes sense because you can't get sick from contaminated food, right? Salmonella and E. Coli infections sure aren't real. Not to mention that bacteria and viruses (Which need a specific cell type as a host) are the same right?

What are you accusing me of, just because he stopped showing up he now has aids from eating my shit, or that because the health inspector came after that that I did something wrong?
Who blasted you in the ass

>Recipe says boil the pasta for 15 minutes
>Boil it for less because I want it al dente

WAKE ME UP INSIDE

>burger calls for lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion

>use ingredients in pic related instead

CALL THE COPS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

>2 minute noodles
>eat them dry
STRAP ME DOWN

>Recipe says to use semi-sweet chocolate chips
>Use regular milk chocolate chips instead

TRY AND STOP ME

You are out of control you goddamned madman. Someone needs to put an end to you and your kind permanently.

>recipe calls for spring onions
>use onions grown and harvested during the winter
CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT

>Lady on the tv says to use 2 cloves of garlic
>Mince 4 cloves

I JUST DO THINGS

>Steak recipe has detailed instructions for a complex spice rub using a multitude of different ingredients
>Toss some Mrs. Dash on it and call it a day.

VENGABOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN

>Slice up a bagel and put it in the toaster.
>Don't push the bagel button

IT'S ABOUT SENDING A MESSAGE

>Prepare pulled pork
>Use a tomato-based BBQ sauce instead of a mustard-based BBQ sauce.

VANILLA ICE ICE BABY

>buy a Shun
>into the dishwasher it goes

CAUSE TO PERSPIRE

>box says pizza takes 17-18 min
>i check on it at 16
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Alt righties are some of the biggest cucks on the planet.

>eat a bagel with blackened sausage
>enjoy it and want more

MY WIFE, IS A HOBBY HORSE