Today I began writing a short story. Would any of you lads be interested in reading what I've written thus far...

Today I began writing a short story. Would any of you lads be interested in reading what I've written thus far? I'd appreciate the feedback.

>pic related, it's my gf

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I'll have to ponder that...

Post it user. We'll read it.

pastebin.com/zcbSuWNJ


Thanks, mate. I'll probably finish the story if it seems worthy.

You need to stop, specifically with the use of all those commas; too many distract from your narritive. I just want to read the story, mang. You understand, right?

Its alright, you should finish it.

>You understand, right?

Finish it even if you think its bad.

You're not going to get better any other way.

I will. Can you offer any feedback, though?

>lenin
She's been BLACKED, lad.

Sure. Your writing, mechanically, could use a bit of tightening up all around. Right from the beginning there's a confusion between specific time and habitual time. You have a few instances of redundant phrasing too, such as "the wind was blowing the rain at an angle, which blew into his face." A good tip is to always read your work out loud to yourself, to make sure that it sounds natural.

As for the story itself, at this point, I have no idea where it's heading, so I can't offer you much help there. Best advice I can give is that you should find the moments that you really want to write and that are of vital importance to the story, and get to those as quickly as possible.

it reads like somebody trying to be a writer instead of just writing

also brent is a stupid name, i'd recommend changing it to something more distinguished and less captain of the jv lacrosse team

>old hag
fuck off kid

Short version: It's an alright story, but cut off the fat.

Long version: Your prose, while a bit dry, is fairly consistent. Your grammar could use some work. Try to remain in one tense when continuing the action, my suggestion is past simple. He blinked. They saw. The car splashed. That tense.

The hook is good, and the premise of keeping the dream and Brent's motives vague is intriguing. However, your greatest weakness is including unnecessary details and filler in the story. With most fiction, and especially short stories, make every word count. Do we really need to know that the woman had to bend over and pick up the umbrella from the ground? Do we really need to know that they had to start putting on the bandaid over again because it was too tight the first time?

Go ahead and finish it all up though. You don't have to edit and perfect it now, just finish it and read over it and see what you can improve the next time you write.

It's kind of bland. I don't really care about anything or anyone in the story. Perhaps nothing has really "happened" yet in the story, but then you should at least dish out some more imagery to pique the reader's interest.

Also, I have a feeling that's not really your gf.

I didn't read all of it and maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. I just thought the opening was very bland. I have read literally hundreds of short stories starting in a similar way and yours might be brilliant by the end but i'll never get to that point and neither will most readers

You are wrong. He wasn't using enough commas, especially in the opening. The overuse of full-stops makes it seem somewhat bland and aimless. He should be using far more commas while still avoiding any run-ons.

Did you really write this, OP? You post in this thread as though you have a commonwealth dialect: e.g.
>Lads
>Mate
>Thus

Though your story uses words and names that are far more typical in American English: e.g.
>Mom
>Brent

Explain. Out with it!

Yes, I really did write it.

Hey OP, here is some of my honest feedback, for what it's worth.

In the beginning of your story, I think that your prose and punctuation can make it difficult for readers to become immersed or to invest themselves into. For example, your punctuation feels very robotic to me, and in some instances your grammar is not correct.

I am not sure of what significance the dream plays, but then again, I do not have the full context of the story to know if this criticism is warranted. I feel like with the whole dream part, you may risk this element becoming somewhat banal and cliché, but who knows? It may have some significance later on that I am unaware of.

The first two characters, other than your main one that you introduce–there isn't much there that makes me interested in those characters. One thing that did draw my attention perhaps was the sister's inability to communicate herself well with others, yet she still called out her brothers name in the story. Will she remain a relevant part of the story, or is this just filler?

The storm doesn't seem particularly interesting, is it symbolic of the dream in some way? I could be grasping at straws there, but you mention the storm a few times, so I wonder, will it play a role in the story somehow? One element that I think it does work well with is the clash with the girl. The running like an excited kid, the umbrellas, and the impact once they turn corners. I think these parts are good and that it adds more to the atmosphere and general vibe of the environment.

I feel like Henry is too eager or overly-concerned. Him inviting himself on a camping trip that he was not invited to does not feel natural; however, for all I know it could be natural and that I may not know this yet. Perhaps he has a right to be that concerned, maybe Brent has been in and out of mental home's with a mental illness and therefore Henry is behaving as he ought to with a friend such as this? But this is all speculation on my part, as I do not know their history. I mean, who buys those items at a hardware store and then shrugs when asked by his friend what they are for? So as the reader, what is going through my mind is Brent is one of the following:

>A murderer or some other twisted individual
>Some guy going through his first existential crisis that wants to get in touch with nature and is being spontaneous as a result
>A character neglected by the writer

On another note, both Henry and the woman with the broken umbrella seem unlikable but maybe this is on purpose or just my subjective view of them. The part where Henry sort of invites her to the coffee shop needs some work as it feels a little forced.

Please do not be discouraged by my criticism. I drew mostly on the negative so that you could better Improve as a writer. I think you definitely have potential, and I'm not just saying that; I would not have written a response that is 6 characters off of the character- limit If I did not believe this.

Thanks a whole lot, user. This is seriously great feedback. I'm definitely open to it. I guess I'll continue writing the rest of it.

whose that cum drum in OPs pic?

She's my girlfriend. Can't you read?

whose "my girlfriend"? I can't find her on google.

That's because she isn't some internet model with stock photos on google.

I'm sorry user but your waifu is a whore.

DELETE THIS