Alc/ck

>Accidentally
Learn to read. He is probably infertile and the kid is nice so I did him a favor.

Got invited to a party by my best friend. Place is packed, rivers of booze and kush a plenty. Toasted and feeling great. After all the guests leave my best friend pulls me aside and tells me his girlfriend wants to have a go at me.

And so, according to them I fucked her brains out while he watched and jerked off.

We don't talk much anymore. Last time I went over she was giving me bedroom eyes and it sent shivers up my spine.

whatever you need to rationalize being a shitty friend.

>get shitfaced
>drive 1/5th mile to the gasstation to get more beer at 2am
>near blackout
>see commercial advertising croissant donut from dunkin donuts
>"I've seen those at apple pie bakery cafe down the road a few weeks ago."
>decide to get back into my car, drive to the CIA campus, park in visitors parking and walk into Roth Hall to get something to eat
>am baking class in session
>staggering drunk push my way through group of people to get to something sweet to eat
>walk through the dining room of apple pie bakery cafe, knocking jars of apple butter, honey and tea all over the place
>at this point im emotional because no croissant donut, fucked my whole trip up
>get back to car, start driving past farq hall to main exit
>security douche blocking exit
>stop, ask what the problem is
>"our security footage shows you tossing the cafe around, wait here."
>lolno, reverse into some bushes, drive across grass to get to exit road
>run redlight to get to backroads of Hyde Park back to my apartment
>all of this caught on camera
>get home, black out
>wake up pounding on my door
>answer the door, its the police
>police say they hace video of my vehicle leaving the scene of those crimes
>"i was here all night, my roommate had my car."
>ask to see roommate, no such person exists, tell them he went home for the weekend
>they leave saying they'll be back Monday
>didn't come back Monday
>tfw lifetime ban from CIA campus
>tfw no more delicious yumyums right down the road

Puked on the headmistress of a semi-exclusive girls school, made out with aa fat chick in front of erryone and then abused the medical staff who were only trying to help me.

All in the same night and all on my first experience with significant quantities of alcohol. I was 14. Hardly touched booze for nother 4 years.

pissed in friends basement drain, blamed it on the dog

I bit off a black girl's nipple/areola. I was really drunk.

And I should mention

On a scale of 1 ( Andrea Dworkin nude) to 10 (Kylie Jenner covered in baby oil) his girlfriend was a 2 (Rachel Dratch)

As a serious-as-dog-dirt alcoholic who was fairly functional for a time, I have a ton of regret stories, but most are just cringe or depressing. You have to understand, I was so physically addicted that withdrawal symptoms began if I didn't drink for just a few hours. But here's a funny blackout story:

>spring 2012
>somewhat drunk from wake to pass out every day
>fired from previous job, need new one
>fairly new acquaintance works for hotel chain
>hasn't noticed I'm always sauced so she used her pull to land me an interview for a desk clerk position
>don't want to risk interviewer noticing liquor on my breath or mask it with smelly breath
>score some valiums
>day of interview comes
>forget not to get drunk
>clean mouth as best I can and take valiums anyway
>world goes black
>wake up next day pissed at myself for missing interview
>roommate: ..."Dawg, I took you there on time. You seemed okay."
>WUT
>call acquaintance who got me interview
>she mad
>reads off interviewer's notes to me
>"arrived apparently intoxicated"
>"claimed he is applying for GM position"
>"loudly announced he has 'worked in the hotel business for over forty years'"
>"announced that we 'can't afford his services after all' and walked out flashing middle fingers"
>acquaintance tells me never to use her as a reference again
>too embarrassed to face her anyway

>I regret getting raped.
I would too.

that's the kind of mistake you want to have

I don't understand what makes people get into the drivers seat after drinking

Strangled a friend.
Fucked a male friend in the ass.
All the times I've vomited.

drinking

i only remember drinking

Made out with my gay friend.

Since you are now a faggot that is just your friend now.
You don't have to label him anymore.

>decide to get back into my car, drive to the CIA campus, park in visitors parking and walk into Roth Hall to get something to eat
Don't you need a security clearance to even get near there? I thought they don't give those to alcoholics.

Ahh, that CIA.

It's the Culinary Institute of America.
I was wondering the same thing. I also assumed it was a series of businesses that were outside of the main building that they were calling a "campus"

80 percent of the faculty wouldn't be able to go to work if that was the case.

Nothing. O've drank with 1 friend and other than that I had a kid from it, which I did a tad bit regret, but 7 years later it's great . So, eh, yeah nothing.

Wait, masturbating to things I shouldn't. I regret those times.

>I regret those times.
Unless you think the CIA is going to break down your door, why?

washingtonpost.com/politics/at-cia-starbucks-even-the-baristas-are-covert/2014/09/27/5a04cd28-43f5-11e4-9a15-137aa0153527_story.html?utm_term=.1c44abba3009
Also fun cia starbucks on real campus story. Who knows, could be made up.

Woke up in a psych ward in a hospital. Apparently I was trying to get into my house, someone thought I was breaking in, cop came, and I told him I was going to hurt myself so he wouldn't take me to jail. Woke up surrounded by crazy people in an overcrowded hospital ward. Had to explain that I wasn't suicidal. QT nurse too. I was trying to get out of handcuffs too and I couldn't feel my thumbs completely for a month.

Also cheated on the woman I love. She dumped me eventually for other reasons. 6 of the happiest years of my life. She deserves better. I was out of control for a while.

I've pissed myself about 3 times sleeping in the 6 years I've been drinking, probably one of the lowest of my lows even though no one else knows about it.

Lowest low would be peeing on the carpet in my SOs living room

Moral reasons is all. I give no fucks about what man or a government can do to me; I incriminate myself to the fullest extent.

>need more beer / burgers / only going a few miles / losing control of my life

Having gone to that school, knowing that the LCS janitor staff are lazy Mexicans that steal entire showcases of leftover pastries...leaving them on racks in the hallways of Roth Hall, I assumed I could just walk in, take a bunch of half stake sweets and leave without being noticed. Silly drunk me.

Not to my best friend, but I constantly do this to another friend's gf. We all get that it's just playing around.

stopped.

y are u not in prison? that is like severe assault - mutilating someone.

letting a black chick suck my dick

How does this happen on accident exactly?
How is she accidentally not on birth control?

Had sex with my step sister.
I wasn't even that drunk.

How was it?

Pretty amazing.

Damn, now I'm jealous.

hahahahahahhahahah i love you man

I regularly ruin keyboards by getting blackout drunk at my PC and filling them with rum

I've given up on having a nice mechanical keyboard and just use a shitty cheap one with a membrane that makes it easy to clean.

At a St Patrick's day party last week I drank a shit ton and puked on my shoes, then in the uber home, and was out for the count the whole day after

The thought of whiskey makes me want to puke now

>get black out drunk at my house
>dad is home making dinner
>asks me if I want some food
>tell him "no, but I'll have something else of yours" (I'm straight)
>he apparently asks me what the hell I'm talking about
>I say "I want your dick and I want to call you daddy"
>he throws scolding hot bolognese all over me
>I start screaming and run out of the house with scolding hot bolognese all over my face / body
>wake up 12 hours later in a bush at the park near me house
>walk home and ask dad what the hell happened
>he tells me
>leave and get a hotel for a week thinking about the direction I'm taking my life

Drove drunk, shit-faced drunk only one time and it will be the last time ever
>be in college
>go to blacklight party
>it's actually insane
>get really comfortable and start beer bonging at an alarming pace
>cops come, guy who was going to DD in my car disappears for no good reason
>it's still early and my friend is bartending a few towns over
>practically blackout drunk already, driving like a maniac
>topping my car out on the highway, 115-120 mph
>get to bar in like 15 minutes, should have been more like 40
>walk into small country bar in white T-shirts covered in highlighter and wearing a bunch of glowing shit
>I'm only 18 but getting served
>drinks are 70/30 alcohol to mixer
>police station right across the street
>decide to bail
>way too fuck drunk, actually can't see straight
>have to pull over and puke, so paranoid
>make it home I guess, vow to never drive drunk again
>mfw I realize what I'd done the next morning

>it will be the last time ever

Please stick to this m8. It's not worth it ever

Done a few stupid things drinking before I became a full blown al/ck/, highlight was hooking up with my girlfriends friend when we were all out together. Granted I was going to break up with her, but that was not the best solution.

Now I tend to just drink on my own, so stupid stuff is limited to saying stupid things to people on facebook / text. I try to stick to vidya and shitposting here so no recent stories.

A few nights ago I got really fucked up and decided to go to the 24 hour shot round the corner for some food at like 4am. I vaguely remember being in there and falling over taking a display with me. When I woke up there was no evidence of food so I assume I was thrown out.

Guess I won't be going back there.

Accidently went to a gaybar, ended up getting a bj on the street. Some idiot called the cops, but they where cool about it. Oh, I'm not gay btw.

I used to drive drunk quite a bit. Also, almost every fight I've been in is because I was being a drunk asshole.

>Also, almost every fight I've been in is because I was being a drunk asshole.

my brother is like you. i fucking hate him

>I used to drive drunk quite a bit
What is it like? Only times I have considered it is when I plan to have a couple of drinks and decide to drink a lot so need to get more alcohol. Never done it, too scared to getting caught / killing someone / crashing my car.

I usually just walk to the shop round the corner even though they have started to recognise me buying alcohol all the time.

>'Accidentally' went to a gay bar
>Got a BJ (I'm assuming from a guy)
>Not gay

Keep telling yourself that.

John Redcorn?

>What is it like?

It's fun as fuck and entirely not worth it

God you sound like one of my friends I game with a lot. Jesus

I stumbled and my dick just fell into his mouth.

Pointing out a woman's pubes
.......

This needs context, write it out.

Yup. I've pissed myself a few times while be being blackout. Worst part was I was at a friend's house 2/3 times. The 3rd incident I just casually pissed through my underwear beside my bed. I don't even know lmao

>'can't afford his services after all' and walked out flashing middle fingers
lost it

Yeah, I don't really like getting that fucked up anymore.

I've been pulled over at least 5 times while I was drunk. Got 3 tickets and almost a DUI. is right, don't do it. Just sleep in your car if you have to.

get the fuck back to where ever you came from

Most alpha thing I've read on Veeky Forums

i know that feel. i got pretty paranoid after switching from a desktop to laptop, so when i get drunk in front of it, i prop it up on a box on my desk and use a cheap keyboard with it

I've spilled many litres of water, booze and this stuff on my Corsair K95 and it's fine, all I had to do was dry it out for a day or two and it works just fine, just needs a good cleaning afterwards to get the bits of shit that dry out.

What kind of shitty keyboards are you buying?

Sounds like you might have some booze under those keys user, take a keyboard shot!

You're not paranoid. My laptop has drunk many liters of beer.

fuck you faggot

Hm, too much to list. I normally take benzos as well, so I don't remember, but...

Walked through rough areas calling people cunts, received three lickings, a robbery and three stabbings

Bought a cow (wanted to have loads of cheap steak, was going to beat it to death with a hammer and take off slices with a sword)

Been arrested while walking home from jail

Shat myself after shitting myself ( )

Drank the contents of my piss jug because it was full and I needed a piss but wanted to delay moving

Get into 5-figure debt to buy booze

Shoved booze up my ass to get drunk when I didn't have enough to get drunk just drinking it

Crashed into a roundabout while 4 times over the limit. My second dui

Fucked a microwaved watermelon

Tried to steal a boat

Called the Houses of Parliament and made an appointment with an MP, to ask him why vodka isn't cheaper

Called Buckingham palace and insisted I be allowed to talk to the queen

Hit on a 50yo hag

Spent 2 grand on weed grow equipment (just gathering dust)

Pissed on the floor/bed so frequently that a whole section of ceiling had to be replaced in the room below

Intentionally set my house on fire

Voted Lib dem

...I dunno, it goes on

Jordan you fucking idiot we still know where you live

Never did anything stupid while drunk. I have self control.
My friends bf diarrhead all over her floor the other day and blamed it on the cat though. Some of the funniest shit I've heard.

Practically everything I regret was done while drinking.

While drinking in excess at least.

And mostly it's because my drunk self is even more unable to read women than my sober self and far more likely to assume they're into me.

ive lost items of clothing on 5-10 separate occasions
alienated a group of friends
missed out on sex over 50 times
woken up in alleyways and parks 3 times
wasted thousands
not remembered seeing some bands i really wanted to see

hahaha

>drink once when i was 15 or so
>didn't like it
>since i have tendencies towards addiction and self-destruction decide to never drink ever again
>never drank again
>not even the smallest drop of beer
>i'm 26 now

Sometimes the best bet you can do when you know you can't trust yourself is to never go close to what could fail you.

One time at a house party. someone started talking about this gay ass show. and instead of telling them to shut the fuck up. I just walked away.

perfect time to beat someone up

i did something almost like this.

minus the crazy speed. and being suuuuper wasted.

I drank smoked at a party, stayed for like 5 hours after i was done drinking. Stopped drinking after i drunkenly tried to pick up a bottle that was on the road, grabbed it so hard it fucking shattered in my hand and caused a big slice in my hand. Bandaged it. knew to stop drinking than and there, basically nobody wanted to dance with a guy who was bleeding. decide to just chat with people now hours past more sober, run about 2 miles to my car i parked far away. start driving home, going like 80 90 at 2-4 AM very few cars, not swerving or nothing. still nervous as fuck cause my hand starts feeling the pain now that im sobering up. Next morning realize the steering wheel is covered in dry blood.

luckily i did not need stitches. that would suck cause no medical insurance.

Did you mow his lawn too?

Impaired judgment, it's not that hard to figure out.

>Bought a cow (wanted to have loads of cheap steak, was going to beat it to death with a hammer and take off slices with a sword)
Even if it isn't true that is one of the funniest things I have read on here

>New Years 2017
>drinking too much because I'm bored and it's my girlfriend's brother's party and I don't know anyone
>slip into blackout mode
>apparently around 2am I decided to leave
>forgot my coat was in another room, so I walk out into -15c weather to wait for a bus that will never come
>feel pretty fuckin cold so I decide I'll walk towards my home along bus route which is over an hour's walk away
>find a woman's coat on the ground, put it on
>ice covering everything so I keep falling
>each time I fall I seem to lose a vital piece of property, starting with my cell phone
>fall and lose glasses but keep going
>lose wallet too and keep walking thinking I'd pick 'em up in the morning
>wake up the next morning with my knees and tailbone screaming in pain and my girlfriend pissed the fuck off, with no wallet, glasses or cell phone

Boozing has its ups and it has its downs

Is he a literal cuck?
If so then he deliberately hooked you up and watched it from the closet.
That's what best bros are for.

-pissed myself countless times
-bought and smoked crack
-driven so drunk I had to shut one eye to see straight
-fucked a friend's 15 yr old sister
-fucked a dude

I'm a fucking hazard.

- Drove high and drunk one night, blew a stop sign at almost 80mph in a 40mph.
- Vowed to never drive that drunk again or mix weed with alcohol (has not happened since, thank god)

- Party at my buddys place, jump off roof once, then jump through the skylight shattering glass all over the place and nearly breaking my leg in the process. All cut up and the alcohol in my system made me bleed easily.
- MFW no one knows i broke it despite being all cut up.
- That same night also broke down his front door (im 6'5) and jizzed on his passed out sister.

>Get into 5-figure debt to buy booze

How do you even do this?

>fucked a friend's 15 yr old sister
Tell me more.

Put tiger balm on my dick and balls cause a mate dared me to, my dick and balls were on fire for a good while

This is fun though

Fucked a random bitch with no condom and puked all over myself on the bus on the way to the club

Is this a script for a johna hill movie

>Go to party of a friend I haven't spoken to in a year
>Fucked a girl back then that one guy had a crush on
>Sent him a pic of her ass crack with my sperm in between for fun
>Known as the biggest dick to roam the earth

>Go to party of friend
>Walk in and people are happy i'm there
>Eager to get back to drinking and smoking weed
>Guy that I fucked over was there too
>Told me he's okay with me now
>It's all her fault anyway

>One girl keeps eye-ing me the entire time
>Smiling at me and giggling at me
>I sit a little closer to see what she does
>She opens her mouth towards me and says:
>'You have the shittiest shoes I've ever seen. You look like a fucking clown.'

>Vocal sparring ensues for 3 hours long
>No clear winner and friends annoyed
>Get up to go to the park at 2 AM to smoke weed
>She starts to get up in my face and push me
>Still no clear winner
>She wants to fight so I push her
>She loses balance and falls between two lawnchairs
>I win

>Get kicked out of the party because I assaulted a girl
>The girl was the cumselfie guy's gf

>hating your best friend because he hits on your gf
autism