Poetry critique thread

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pastebin.com/ZSuKFriL).
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here's mine (it's a bit weird)

will critique back

This poem is about a beast of the Brazilian folklore called "Mapinguari", but just an excerpt because the actual poem is four pages long.

Your monster
is my monster's
prey

Cracked pale dermis
is breaking in little smithereens of wax
through the sharp cuspate fangs
of the vampire
like a Vulpes Pallida
caught in the teeth of the predator

Red flesh
and mauve, lilac nerves,
some jaded green,
exposed from underneath
the opening wound
blossoms like a flower
of meat
turning inside out

Comes the massive beast of fur
and armored reptile skin
scales like an alligator
under the dense, rust-copper colored
pelt, that covers all

The sole eye, exposed
gazing upon the victim
and the protracted primate arms
touching the ground with claws like swords
with the open vertical mouth full of teeth
almost in a piece of ionic symbolism
opening to reveal a buff-muscled tongue
that comes out licking the lateral lips
in lascivious hunger and anticipation

The Mapinguari
forgotten by extinction
The rare and unscathed beast
of the closed dark thickets and forests
all over the Amazon
that escaped the contact of mankind
and the touch of any form of evolution

The beast continued its own path
while the rest of species
were taken in major rapture
by the gears of the powers that be
and its conspiracy towards the modification
of all Earthly species

Like a crocodile that doesn't evolve
because it doesn't need to


Man, this is very experimental. Looks like something that House of Leaves guy would put together, or maybe DFW in a fit of LSD. I think there are parts of it that have to do with programming, but I wouldn't know because I don't know much about programming. I like the fading of the letters and the many different formats, it makes for a very visual type of thing, but it is VERY out there and hard to make heads or tails of. Either way, interesting. Very interesting.

Kindly kill yourself, senpai

I'm enjoying this.

i worry that your piece becomes a bit prose-y in its descriptions and some of them over explain. I'll show some examples:

>sharp cuspate fangs
fang describes both of the earlier words, but then it becomes more apparant that vampire has to be handled more carefully (because removing them shows the cliche a bit more obviously)
I would just keep the pale fox line (and keep it in latin) and the vampire line will effectively become subtext.

>the opening wound blossoms like a flower of meat
this could be effectively cut down to
>the blossoming wound
without any loss of imagery, 'of meat' was especially unnecessary

>rust-copper colored pelt, that covers all
this line is great, and i bring it up because the seemingly redundant description progresses the subtext tremendously (unlike 'of meat')

>The sole eye, exposed
>gazing upon the victim
>and the protracted primate arms
>touching the ground with claws like swords
>with the open vertical mouth full of teeth
>almost in a piece of ionic symbolism
>opening to reveal a buff-muscled tongue
>that comes out licking the lateral lips
>in lascivious hunger and anticipation
this stanza is so timid. There's a simile than there's that 'maybe this is a simile' this with the almost
It bothers me that it doesn't commit to its own image.
The last line is word-y and doesn't achieve much.

That all said, this was a neat read and I would honestly like to read the whole thing one day.

why?

>know I am a split oak, ready to burn

I liked that part at least.

This is like Dada + How to Bomb the US Govt. (Sam Hyde)

That's not a compliment by the way.

This is some really good criticism, thanks!

This is complete garbage. I sincerely hope you don't consider yourself an avant-garde artist. Kindly fuck off and die.

thanks

i appreciate you reading it

def didn't want it to come across as Dada, do you think that will inevitably happen because of the structure or is the subject matter and phrasing equally to blame?

I appreciate the sincere anger. I hope you took the time to read it, and was angry because you read it, although i understand why its off-putting. I just hope i can fix it up.

Is this a joke?
Seeing shit like that makes me want to weep for the future of art

that implies i will be met with success which is a little encouraging I have to admit. Do you believe the structuring is irreparable or is it more of an issue with the actual words?

95785
this shit is great.
but i feel this is old avant garde. too much consciousness of "art", too much fire into form. is a strange feeling. is like we should, in this moment of history, fully grasp this kind of literature, and in a sad way is still strange literature. it´s not your fault but of the history of literature itself, i cant enjoy it at fullest for this.


it s a very peculiar structure. do you think these people think about what you write like something out of hurr durrr, this is shit, this is not literature bururu.
they dont know shit. don´t lose too much time and faith in humanity with them.
keep searching.

>not liking shitty typography makes you an idiot
It was good the first time, like in the 20s. Now it's just boring garbage. Don't encourage this hack. Literary standards exist for a reason.

Over the life of this thread, I will give an actual close read to anyone who posts anything that looks remotely intentional and serious.

so its the structure? the use of diffent fonts isn't ideal, but some of the areas i feel like its necessary to prevent further confusion

thanks man, but i think some frustration is warranted

i think we should invent something better than different fonts, or different heights in the poem/text. something that is in the text itself but still being wavy and fluid and natural. i dont know how anyway. but something more distinctive.

This is Veeky Forums, fellow. You got a good eye,

I posted this in the other poetry thread but here it is again:

Note: Read it in Robert De Niro's voice for extra immersion

JOURNEYMAN

Here I am, alone. A cold mug of coffee in my hand, bitter to the taste.
I try to drown, the sound, of title shots and loud beat downs, which echo through the fabric of my skull.


Here I am, in a café that never closes, sitting quietly in the darkness, listening to the sound of distant voices.
I think of all the guys who bet their hard earned dimes, time after time, on a dark horse.


I’m no raging bull, I’ve pulled a punch or two;
but when the brutal bruises and jostling jabs hit home, they broke the flesh and bone, like a bulldozer through stone.


As I drink the bitter drink, each sip colder than the last, the memories of my littered past come flooding back.
All the late night acts, the guys getting smashed or smacked, below the belt of decency and reason.
The down and outers, who, without a care, cling on the ropes of their sorry affairs.
The Palookas who are going nowhere.


This is it, my last haymaker. I’m kissing canvas. I’m punch-drunk.
But here, in my desperate slump, I carry on.


Day by day, they may walk over me, but I won’t throw in the towel so easily.
As I stare into the depths of my black coffee, all I can see is the sucker who was sucker punched, the guy I used to be.


Pound for pound, I was a clown, gloves too big, and a fancy dressing gown.
It was inevitable that I would go down.

...

i tried to play with serifs and more subtle spacing but i'm not sure it worked well

Ok nigger, I'll give you a chance to justify the rape of letters you posted.
Explain it

I wanted to explore nonlinear poetry that wasn't about choices. I wanted to overwhelm and allow for an organic exploration.

Part II is the strictest structurally, and enough time with it should be rewarding in and of itself.

The piece conceptually is about the idea of inherent plurality in godliness.

Instead of "and cracking necks on the curbstones", why not just "cracking necks on curbstones". If you want to keep it around, maybe put the and at the end of the second line? Starting the line with "cracking" means you start with a stress, and gives it a bit more snap.

The second stanza is a bit ambiguous, because the second line can be seen to be subordinate with first or third line.

I like the image of the owl spitting on people, but I'm not sure how this relates to a person who believes it IS love, peace, and harmony.

Should it be "pollen-seething petals"?

Third stanza, second line has some nice words but the rhythm is a bit bland. I'd try and play around with it to achieve greater motion. If it were up to me, I'd base it on the anapest.

Third line is a bit of a cop-out. Not a fan. The poem so far has been about rejecting love, peace, and harmony. The "pay-off" of this stanza is for a separate thing.

"In those splintering rays"

Sounds like you played to much vidya, but whatever.
Whats with the hatred of vowels, spaces, backwards writing, numbered lists, random fonts, brackets?

the vowel-less line was an attempt at something i'm sure has fail (this is still in the draft stage)
i use spacing for different effects in several areas
there is no backwards writing
the fonts came from the practicality of not making everything look like a random jumble (which is still an issue) and allows to connect stanzas subliminally
brackets are meant to have a much more mechanical sounding voice i was trying invoking vidya here a bit

If you wish to be so visual and sublime, maybe consider visual arts, or vidya?
Why are you using an abstract art form to draw pictures? Concrete poetry is nothing but cringe.

Not trying to draw pictures, I'm trying to use them for effects. Not a fan of concrete poems, but i am a fan of Williams and cummings

I know what you're trying to do, and I tried something similar recently: (pastebin.com/ZSuKFriL). I really do think, like that kind poster showed in the last thread, that it needs some graphics to work it all out. All in all, I respect what you do and keep doing it without quit.

I'm quite green to poetry and my poems could use their little assholes ravaged so I can improve. I'm curious about some poets to read and could use some recommendations.

~Apathetic Love~

Suppose you say
"S'pose I'll stay"
And Suppose
You don't run away

I suppose
I'll make amends
Supposing that
We'll still be friends

Suppose there was
A second go
A fluttering heart
Arpeggio

I Suppose all this
Would-ve come true
If I did more
Than think of you

~Ironic Depression~

I can't go on
I can't go on
Even though
There's nothing wrong

Every-thing
Is pretty swell
Regardless I'm
In living hell

I've done nothing
And never will
All I've got
Is time to kill

To read each line
Of my rhyme
I can't help feel
Is wasted time

Well, thanks for your time and advice.

No worries. The owl imagery is great by the way.

When submitting poetry should I present the most accessible poem first? The "best"? I don't want to have the first poem an editor sees be some giant, metaphysical beast and have them be turned off by it.