New Critique thread for Ya'll since the other one is dead and made up of a clusterfuck of people posting their shit and...

I lay subject to concrete smiles and fleshy warmth upon this sidewalk. Glancing at my jagged finger nails with peeled skin, I found myself to be shaking again. Snow came down like shavings of the sky. However, I’m inclined to believe that what falls upon Brooklyn is nothing like other cities. Each bit of snow was never white. It was grey falling, yellow on the ground, and red on a street. If I were to taste each of the snowflakes, my tongue would be numb with pain.
Supine on my sleeping bag was a McDonald’s bag filled with an unfinished sandwich, frozen ketchup, and a photograph. In those white borders, her face almost glimmered, her snarky little comments recalled through my mind. She was cute, with some speckles on her face and dark blue eyes. Even now, on a crummy sidewalk in the worst city in the world, I remember Dorothy. I ponder where she went. Whether heaven or hell, I’ll likely never know. I miss her.
I lit a match, which lit my cigarette butt, and then went out with a slow exhale.
I heard the snap echo briefly in the alley way congruent to my little camp. The metro was just down the street, shaking some of the ground beneath. The atmosphere was sonorous, a resonation around every corner.
The morning was pretty. Nothing spectacular, but an average pretty. Not many people were out and about this early, unless you were one of those early birds. There aren’t many worms out here to catch, I would know. The only people who would think of being up include drunks who have no choice, prisoners who have some choice, and businessmen. They sometimes have a choice. Some yellow cabs are stalking the streets, windows glazed over with the frost the night cast. Some drivers are scraping their windows, with intervals of squeaks and curses. Breakfast quickly arrived, a new smell with every turn. I rolled up my bag with my few goods, found my guitar case with a few dollars, and Dorothy and I made way to the square. Bringing my guitar was a habit, something that allows me to coalesce with the passerbys and not look to seamy. Completely aware of my idleness and my tarnished appearance, I fumbled about with a few songs on the guitar. capturing a crowd or two. Some hours had passed until I finally got around to busking. I went on a little excursion. Winding through both alley ways and bazaars, my legs eventually became tired. I sat down on the edge of the sidewalk and rested my head on my hands. The open guitar case beckoned a few brave people to donate anywhere from a penny to twenty dollars, which was often more than enough for my daily life. Back in the apartment I would have scarcely thought about how much I had been spending on food alone, and shitty food at that. Ever since I came back from the army, I’ve learned to read differently. I started to see words differently. Food was substituted by “junk” and happiness was some kind of blurred idea.

Published once now, hoping to pour a lot of effort into this one. Will return favor.

God, I can't believe I'm taking the bait....

Is the narrator a posh Brit living in Brooklyn on his trust fund? Why is he speaking in such archaic English?

You could replace "Brooklyn" with any other city - not to mention any other time period if it weren't for the "McDonald’s bag filled with an unfinished sandwich, frozen ketchup, and a photograph."

>The metro was just down the street

You're in Brooklyn: "metro" is the wrong word, try "subway."

>Even now, on a crummy sidewalk in the worst city in the world

Maybe in the 80s, but Brooklyn is fucking gorgeous these days.

>I ponder where she went.

Again, I don't know what you're going for; if it's "the awkward kid in the front row of H.S. English class," then you've pulled it off, lad.

>The atmosphere was sonorous, a resonation around every corner.

Perhaps THE worst line. Literally cringed.

The narrator is boring, self-indulgent, and not even talented; why would I want to continue reading? What is supposed to draw me in?
Is it his guitar playing? Is it his ambivalence? I don't believe he'll miss Dorothy, the Lion, the Tin man, or the Scarecrow.

This is shit, discard it and start writing again when you actually have a solid idea, you daft fuck.

And P.S: If you're published, I've given up writing.

Good luck.

thanks, wrote it in two hours last night if it serves any defense

yeah fuck man i thought i edited the atmosphere line. Maybe this will work better third person

>critiquing

Please no corn father/10

Nothing redeemable. Keep writing though. You will hack up something worthwhile eventually.

Conan
Jay Leno
Peele
Key
Larry King
Ellen Denegeres

No Samuel N. Gassidy

bump

Here's my try at a Children's Fantasy. Newbie here, so expect something Newbish.

I tried to make my own thread and was sent here, my chapter is kinda long almost 3000 words. I don't think I'm a very good critic but I'll give some of your works a read after my dinner and tell you what I think. Until then here's just a repost of my thread, which I should probably find and delete.

Dear users,

A while ago I started work on a novel, so far I've only shared with my friends; they seem reluctant to give feedback. So I have come here in hope off some constructive feedback for my work, if it's shit feel free too tell me. Someone once told me you need to lay down some shit for anything good to grow (though he may have stolen that quote from somewhere), so this might just be the fertilizer for things to come.

Anyway the novel has the working title: Brand New Sky, and is a steampunk style world with most goods transferred by airship. The main characters in the story are mostly the crew off a small airship, however there are a few others (like the one in the chapter I will post today). There is an element of magic involved, mostly pyromancy, but that will not come into today's chapter.

Anyway sorry to ramble, here's a paste bin to the chapter, any questions feel free to ask.

pastebin.com/CNYuC9cj

A lot of characters and places introduced very quickly, gets a bit confusing.
In the third paragraph you use stretching and stretches almost immediately after each other, maybe chose another word for one of them.
If orthosian is in reference to a place or people the O should be capitalised.
I don’t think the part “was rather following off his Cavalry of the Fourth Vice” makes a lot of sense. Also did you mean to say Fourth Vice earlier when you said Fourth Vic?
The part “to be head clash of their head clashes on a giant torpedo of lasting essence and eternity” I really don’t get this part, but some things I will take from it, if you want to stick to the time period maybe use a missile instead off torpedo, and I don’t think you need both lasting essence, and eternity, they both are saying the same thing.
Where you say “a manoeuvre of corpses” I’d use another word which doesn’t imply moving. Unless their undead, in which case you need to make that more clear.

I have to move from where I am now, I’ll review the rest later. The kind of vibe I’m getting now is that a lot is happening very quickly with very little context. Characters are mostly described by one sentence like Theodore, is he important, what colours his hair? What is he wearing? What does it smell and like? I think you need a bit more description of characters and context to the story. I’lll read the rest later.

I've written a part of a story last year, and I feel like I should finish this to a short story (Less than 20k words), and it's been bugging me for quite a while.

What do you guys think? Should I finish this, or do you think my potential writing career is already kill?

Too "choppy", awkward to read but I like the decent use of CAPS and metaphors

Those two are me. I'll review more after my nap, sorry for the lazy 'critique' so far.

My (unfinished) story is set in a decently explained Sci-fi universe, about some guy who's in charge of a prison ship orbiting a motherfucking black hole with a serial killer and an android with him.

prose poetry is hard dudes

The Giant (pt 3 of The Fantasy Quartet)

Lie down and let the flood wash over you (as it often does). You’ll feel the weight of firmament press down on you, only to press into you, only to press through you, only to lift you upward. Yes Here We Heal is a fountain nailed to a telephone pole, leaking manna all over the streets. Come and let me show you what I mean. I hold in my hand a piece of bread, torn by ducks and vultures, crumbling in so many ways. This bread is your flesh rent. Collect it and you can live forever. March through the Nile and you can find some morsel of heaven spilled from a careless ship. The maw of the ocean lay shattered at the delta, where the largest bread shards are found. These shards are your flesh rented out. You suffer weak bird-gods to peck at you, and that pains me. I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve watched many things. I’ve felt the curse of Enoch once before, and when Uruk dried, I found him and cast him up into heaven. This time, I am too tired to swim.

does it work at all? I'm trying to explore archetypes as beings

this section is salvagable
>the night blows
>cold and raining
but it'll need some good shit to set it up
the rest is either prosaic or cliche
the caps could use some work but you chose good words to cap (aside from blows)

feels really unfocused, i mean I understand how rap usually works, but frankly, your reliance on the Rubio reference is a bit weak and you build up the sonics, but its clear you can't find ways to end the patterns you create.

do you write any traditional poetry, because if not I feel like forcing yourself to learn will help your transitions in stuff like this.

Too many titles and names and capitalised stuff. The readers have no idea what all those mean. I suspect they don't matter and the underlying message is what's important in the story, but they make it hard to follow.

You could trim a lot of that down. Also your grammar is all off. Not a big deal as it's just a draft but it makes it hard to read. Your characters also talk a little superficially and not so realistically. I liked your prose though and the way you portray your character's thoughts at the start. Continuing on it sort of turned bad.

brettygud.jpg
I think writing in past tense would server your story a lot better as present tense is more fit for stories with a lot of action. Your prose is pretty OK but it isn't striking and could use improvement. I don't know how because I'm not that good.

...

pastebin.com/m5XSCnWB

Reposting my autism from last thread. I don't think I've improved it at all. I don't know why this particular part is giving me so much struggle, other parts are much better written and I am happy with them, yet when I write this part (falling city under siege decides to make one last strike at the enemy) I end up writing like a seventh-grader.

I think my biggest issue with it is that it moves too fast, and that the dynamics of the meeting feel sort of stupid.

A little lyricism

Staring at the television static breeds creation
Long dark halls and walls that fall it's just my fascination
With girls that sing and wedding rings, alcoholic husbands
Houses on hills, material world you better get accustomed

Love come close, lethal dose your breath brings out seduction
Two-way mirrors cause shattered glass I am my own destruction

Lies get thrown the night gets cold, your swerving on the freeway
My times a waste, your precious face, no sense of satisfaction
Eyes that shine stupid lies, driving north on high street
Lips that touch poison rush passed out in the backseat

Love come close, lethal dose your breath brings out seduction
Two way mirrors cause shattered glass I am my own destruction

Winding roads up in smoke your drifting towards the ceiling
Shapes that move in darkened rooms shaking sunken feelings
Girl that sings about wedding rings, alcoholic husbands
Houses on hills, material world you better get accustomed

Seems fine. You could try reading similar scenes in other works for some inspiration.

The rhythm and repetition make it look fucking terrible but there is a salvageable and maybe even solid poem in there. Lose the pathos though.

>Love come close, lethal dose your breath brings out seduction
>Two-way mirrors cause shattered glass I am my own destruction

Shit like this sounds like bad high school poetry, awkward forced rhyme and all. We're the audience, we don't give a fuck about your pain. Give us something beautiful.

Funny, I did write this nearly 7 years ago when I was 19. I was just deleting some old things today when I came across the lyrics.

It reads more like the writings of a really dramatic, albeit mildly talented 14 year-old.

It was a song, it isn't really supposed to read like poetry. And I agree that it isn't good, but it just brought back nostalgia.

yeah i got that would sound terrible as a song too, no offense. Maybe scramz would be alright, but it's too sappy man.

I understand, but I wrote it in high-school, for a high-school audience, so that's my point.

yeah sure and that's alright but you posted it in a critique thread not a "nostalgic shit we wrote as teenagers" thread. of course you're gonna get feedback.

Thanks for your input, I'm reply number 2.

My grammars never been very good. Cheers you've given me something to think about. The Characters do need a more real feel. At the moment the end trails off into some kind of bad anime acting. The first 3rd took me a long time to write, but I rushed this afternoon. Ill put some more work in and resubmit in the future.

Nicely Borgesian. Very readable, smooth style with what I assume is a bit of intentional anachronism in the language. Only thing that bugs me is the abruptness of the ending. Kinda of stutters to a stop for me. I disagree somewhat with the other user who critiqued you in that I do not think this story would benefit from being expanded very much, certainly not to 6k words. I think this sorta thing works best as a short, punchy sort of riddle that hints at a larger logic or revelation that is left unexplored, rather than as a belabored analysis. Don't water down the surreality with a larger word count is what I'm saying.

I gotta admire somebody with a developed aesthetic but I honestly can't decide whether all the hyper-referential stuff is what makes this piece worthwhile or what torpedoes it. In any case, this certainly isn't a bad bit of writing, but it might be idiosyncratic to a fault. I might be giving you too much shit for what is presumably a song made for either a highly specific audience (group of friends) or just yourself, but the lyrics kinda demand that the reader have a system of interests that limits its appeal.
As to the rapping itself I think you are like right on the cusp of the tone you are looking for. Listening to this as a Hellfyre club audition tape I can see what you’re going for and respect it without personally enjoying it. You voice has got this affectlessness that gels in an interesting way (if it’s intentional) with the hyper-affective, referentially-schizophrenic nature of the lyrics and their references. In other words there is this weird and sort of compelling incongruousness between the beat (which is sick btw), the lyrics, and the voice which is rapping over them.

I planned on doing more but for now a gotta fuck up some kids at ping-pong. Any critiques of my stuff are appreciated and will be reciprocated (eventually).

This is the first page of a short story.

The same little bluebird sits singing in the window sill, every day. Occasionally he flys off, returning every so often with an assortment of twigs and debris in order to make a sturdy nesting place. On the other side of the window pane sits Adaline. Adaline stares seductively into the old wooden vanity, the one that her mother used when Adaline was young and which she had given to her long ago. The intricate detail and gold paint made Adaline feel important. She goes on undisturbed, applying the make-up to the contours of her face, barely noticing the little bird or his song, she bats her eyelashes, innocently as if she there is a man staring just as intensely back at her. Adaline is only eighteen years old, but the way the light hits her face makes her look every bit of twenty-six. Life has not treated her kindly, and though she is gentle, she is exceptionally sad and lonely. Adaline was married off at the young age of fourteen, two months after her father had lost his job and disappeared. An older man offered to care for her and without hesitation she was sent away. She has not seen her family in four long years and it hurts her deeply. Adaline especially misses her younger sister, Irene. Often times Adaline finds solace in daydreaming about how they used to run through the neighbour's orchard, stopping near a little patch of flowers where they would eat apples and pick daisies to bring back to their mother. The days of being simple child were long gone, and Adaline is struck with a sinking in her stomach and an aching for her past life. The creaking of the old splintered stairs began to get louder as Adaline's husband climbs to the top and into the entryway of the bedroom. "Dear, It's time to go, we are going to be late," he says, in a low soft voice as his eyes dart around the room suspiciously searching for anything that may be out of place. Many men visit this room throughout the day and recently a wedding ring that belonged to Adaline's grandmother, had gone missing. Adaline took the ring from her grandmother's cold and boney fingers herself. Adaline remembers the way she looked lying in the old oak casket and now the image remains burned into her mind. In particularly haunting was the slight smirk on her face, which made it seem as if she finally got the punchline to a long and overplayed joke. Adaline has treated this life as a bad joke, ever since. Slowly Adaline gets up from her chair and puts on her overcoat. Kissing her husband timidly and cautiously on the cheek, she takes him by the hand and as the bluebird flies away, she leads him down the stairs and out into the darkness of the night. Adaline is merely eighteen years old.

I feel like you say here name a bit too much. You could probably do with toning that down. Given that a fair amount of the end only involves her and her husband, a man, you can safely just use 'She' to describe her instead of her name.

Secondly, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. I would suggest trying to be a bit more fluffy with the text, honestly. The flashback and such and all of the other nuggets of her past are just given to me immediately without any chance to ascertain anything myself.

Okay, thank you very much for your feedback. I have just started writing and so I am still trying to figure out 'how'

He didn’t really remember how long he had been using the people of this town to fulfill his twisted desire for carnage, and it ultimately didn’t matter either. All of that was irrelevant. He did remember that he had come to this town for a reason, but what that reason now eluded him. He had gotten distracted, you see. The people here, at least in the beginning, had been very easy targets. They all walked about as if they had never had to deal with any sort of danger before, which certainly couldn’t be true. He was certain that some of the people he had killed had probably been spousal abusers or rapist or child molesters or some other ilk. Was he ilk too?

He pondered this for a moment, the strange tail-esk appendage attached to his lower back twitching back and forth, the bladed end of it cutting leaves here and there. It seemed strange to call all of those people ilk, but then he did spend most of his time killing people. Was there really that much of a difference? Was he ilk too? Did he deserve to die just like them?

He suddenly chuckled, though it came out as more of a raspy cackle. Of course not. It didn’t matter. They were ilk because they were weak, and he didn’t base his kills on whether someone ‘deserved’ it. The concept of good or bad meant nothing to his claws and teeth. Besides, in a sense, he was much more merciful than them. They abused people so that they could feel somewhat powerful or relevant when they got up in the morning. He didn’t really abuse people, unless he was just in the mood for a more prolonged symphony of screaming and begging, but that only went on for an hour or two occasionally, before he ultimately grew bored and ended it so that he could move on to his next target.

There was no real order to how he picked, he didn’t particularly play favorites. Sometimes other people simply looked more appetizing, though he was unsure as to what he really considered appetizing in general, in terms of a scale. He didn’t really know what made him pick some over others sometimes, it could be different characteristics, like their height -for instance he once went after a man who was several feet taller than him. The killer was only about 4’11, and he had decided that he wanted to kill a giant. The man didn’t put up to much of a struggle- Or their weight –If he was honest, he didn’t really like killing fat people only because the fat on the inside of their skin looked gross- or age –he found old people to be boring so he more or less left them alone, but there was something that he did enjoy about chasing a child through the forest before sinking his fangs into the back of their throats- but for the most part, it was somewhat close to random. The bottom line was, if he saw something that he liked, he went after it.

You're missing your critiques there buckos

No problem, I did ultimately like the feel you were going for. I probably should have made that more apparent. I just thought to point out the problems that I saw first, but that can often come off as non-constructive.

If you don't mind my asking, where is this story going?

Also, the one below your response is mine. Click here to read it if you'd like:

wall-of-texters are almost always the lazy ones

This is my critique here:: Just didn't have enough space to post it my own writing in the same response. Character limit.

My writing is here:

Check the response below yours, please..

i take it back, i'm sorry.
Try to at least include a link between posts, because even if you're responsible, it'll look as if you're not and then other people are less likely to respond to each other.

my statement stands though (unless these dudes did the same thing)
but then again most people in this thread didn't do it at all

Give us a little credit, and are both me.

Just realized that I didn't actually respond to you. Check this post here:

again if everyone links posts it be more apparent that people are critiquing and more people will critique back.
sorry however that i accused you

All good, no harm done. I reckon it's my fault for not being more clear, but yeah. Kind of hit the character limit. Mind telling me which of these post is yours? I would not mind reading it, and also, if you feel inclined to do the same and read mine, I would be grateful.

Yeah I was regretting forgetting to post mine along with the critiques anyway, totally understandable and agree with you

this is me, again I tend to write poetry (and consider this piece poetry) so i tend to stick with critiquing poetry as well, but I'll be glad to try to. Only issue being that i will address word-to-word quality more than narrative

which one is yours? i got lost in the replies.

I'll take a look at yours. Mind doing the same?

Mine is here:

sorry i'm dumb

He always thought more clearly when walking. Although reflected on often, he couldn't describe the exact mechanism by which latent thoughts and ideas welled up from his subconscious to gurgle lucidly through the course of his mind and spout out invisibly between his muttering lips. Yet he marvelled, solely loquacious, to feel the completed wrought phrases of an oration or conversation falling from his tongue like glistening rounded rocks lifted from a retreating shore; wondered at the depths they had rises from, the voluble ocean there was where in the aridity of company there had before been solely desert.

Just a little sentence i scribbled off. Be interested in what anyone thinks. Very new to writing.

These are me:
My work is here:

This is me: I like this: the imagery is very powerful. I'm unfortunately not all that well versed in poetry, but I feel that I can at least make an educated opinion. The idea that you mentioned is really neat, though I am somewhat ashamed that I had to look up some of the words to get the full context of what you mean, such as Uruk and Enoch. Your choice of words was very good, and like I mentioned above, it invoke4d powerful imagery.

I really, really enjoyed that. Like I said for the person above, this has really strong imagery. Attention to detail was great, and the interactions seemed really true to life. Also I enjoyed the more humorous aspects of it as well; the somewhat biting but ultimately harmless banter was quite charming. I'm quite interested in reading more.

Any suggestions?

The writing and the sounds of it are very original and well done. But it's so referential that nobody but you could fully appreciate it. How many hip hop fans know about Gordon Ramsay, the Screen Actors Guild, Dirk Nowitzki's fadeaway jumper, David Lipsky, the movie about David Foster Wallace, Hegel, Marco Rubio's rumored homsexuality, Igor Stavinsky, the mediocre backup basketball player Frank Kaminsky, Joel Embiied, the slogan of the former general manager of the Philadelphia 76ers, Chinese New Year red envelope money, Spanish grammatical structures, Socrates, Waka Flocka, Pitch Perfect, intersectionality, Pachelbel, drag queen Bianca Del Rio, 20th best point guard in the NBA Ricky Rubio, and some guy named Big Chen that I can't find anything about on Google? The last verse is the only one that the average person can understand. The idea that someone could have all those reference points in one track is insane and impressive and sort of avant-garde in a way. Like Das Racist on steroids with better beats. But as impressive as this is I'm not sure if you have an audience for this because it's just so fucking specific.

I am going to do my duty, I am just waitng 20 minutes until I am home. Okay, thanks. The story isn't really going anywhere. I just wrote the first paragraph that came to mind.

Yours is very eerie. The indifference of the main character makes it kind of disturbing. I would like to see more action, but I like how you really tried to explain the charcters mindset and persona. I assume the story is just starting? Do you only write horror?

Either you or I are misunderstanding what the word ilk means. Other than that and a few other small grammatical mistakes (like tail-esque/esk), it's a provoking intro to a character. I understand that it's to show his personality and characterisation but it's kind of weak so far to only say he's ruled by his fleeting desires and not much else. Of course if it's just the beginning than that's fine as his character will continue to be developed. And, as always, your writing style and prose could be improved. For that I can only advise that you find your favourite book/author and figure out why you like them so much.

Purple

Usually multiple paragraphs of descriptions are hard to do right but you managed it really well. But if this kind of writing continues the whole time, it'll get old fast.

"Pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work. Consider the discrepancies between the actual writing of the Greek poets and dramatists, and the theories of the Graeco-Roman grammarians, concocted to explain their metres."

By that same logic, comparing contemporary hobbyist criticism to the "graeco-roman grammaries" is asinine

By this logic women can't have opinions.

That's not what Pound meant. He liked Mina Loy's work too much to be sexist.

Your writing could benefit for a few exercises.
First thing is to attempt to write a non-violent piece, because right now your descriptions are a bit amateurish, but that's okay because its apparent you're starting out (or at least just now opening up to critique).
The prose in this has a lot of excess, that doesn't really strengthen or reinforce the tone. Some examples:
>twisted desire for carnage
twisted is unnecessary here
>ultimately didn’t matter either. All of that was irrelevant
same, but if this was 1st person it could be seen as imitating speech (but it isn't)
>The concept of good or bad meant nothing to his claws and teeth.
this is just a bad line in both cadence and word choice. Your rhythm really matters. Even if it feels trivial to you.
> before he ultimately grew bored
you use ultimately too much in this, be aware of reuse of words (especially polysyllabic words)
> didn’t particularly play favorites
particularly does nothing here
>The bottom line was, if
this phrase was not needed

So anyway, thank you for the kind words for my piece, and I hope what i illuminated was helpful more than discouraging. Writing is a great hobby and i hope you keep it up.

Well, it can me interepted that way, so you should just stop posting it, please.

8932263 here, doing my critique as I was supposed to.

I like the direction of this story but (1) you spend part of a paragraph telling us how Rick Hardt spends his daily routines. The whole paragraph that starts with "as an administrator" is just not very good for several reasons. The "watering his holographic plants, reading earth books, screwing with the ship's AI, etc." section is good but the rest just feels like an infodump. Describe him submitting his weekly/daily report, and say it as such.

> loud obnoxious chiming

I'd pick one personally. Loud, or obnoxious. You have 100% effectiveness to work with. It can be 100% loud, 100% obnoxious, or 50% of each. Adding more adjectives always dilutes the others. If an adjective is strong enough to work, it will work. If it's not, why bother with one at all?

> nonchalantly

There is no word that screams "I am in sixth grade" more than this word. I swear to god, it brings back memories of my sixth grade teacher saying "use something more interesting than said" and telling us the word "nonchalantly" to make us sound smart.

Not saying you're like that, I'm just giving full disclosure on why I don't like the word.

Also:

> " better get a change of clothes then." he tells himself nonchalantly.

Use a comma not a period at the end of dialogue. Honestly? Just delete the "He tells himself nonchalantly" part.

"Better get a change of clothes, then."

Who else is around to say that? The computer? At best add an "he says to himself". But, if you are at a good point in character development you should literally be able to spit out dialogue without saying who says it, and it should be obvious. Hard mode: without context.

Anyway, that's more nitpicking. Again this is pretty good overall. I like this kind of chill sci-fi story. It's half of why I still subscribe to asimovs

By the way please put this in a fucking pastebin next time you post it so I don't have to type otu the parts im quoting. I don't know where the screenshot meme came from but it's ridiculous IMO.

> Rick shudders at the idea.

This paragraph breaks up the dialogue and it really doesn't inspire much dread. Replace this entire parapraph with "Rick shudders at the idea, remembering the incident seven months ago."

Then go to the "You make it sound frequent."

You can copy-paste that story to the bottom of the document in case you find another place for it, but honestly, not explaining it makes it sound so much worse than anything else could.

Okay first time author so bare with me

The novel is about crime syndicates, where each main character is a part of an existing syndicate excluding two main characters; an FBI agent and someone who is making a new syndicate.

the first chapter is introducing the yakuza guy, it's not finished but i want some feedback before i continue in order to prevent reinforcing a bad habit or something
pastebin.com/9wSkbqW2
It feels like you're trying to force the vocabulary in.

> Rick looks at him closely. Earlier he expected to see a very disheveled mess in front of him, most likely from Athena's description, but he's surprised to see a very ordinary young man, save for his very pale complexity.

See a problem here? (besides that i just typed out your entire paragraph again from scratch, but I'll stop giving you shit about that now). What word seems to keep cropping up.

"Very"

What does very even mean? Does it matter? Why is it there? Get rid of it. Also be glad you've identified one of those "habit words" that everyone has. Mine was "slowly" and having "but" sentences way too much. So everyone has it happen to them. And the worst part is, you usually can't spot it yourself, someone else has to for you. But once you're aware you can hunt down those bad habits and destory them with extreme prejudice.

> His eyes, sucking in light like hole

Goooood shit. I really like that line, it relates to the title. Maybe I'm wrong and it's shit but I like it so fuck that. At least it isn't "CRASH", right?

The rest of that sentence? It's pure shit compared to that first part. It wouldn't be bad by itself but coming after that it feels like some high school swimming teach champion jacking off at Michael Phelps' awards ceremony and crimping his game.

> His eyes, sucking in light like a black hole, are holding a very blank stare, even rivaling a corpses.

Should become

> His eyes, sucking in light like a black hole, fix Rick with a stare

Or stare at rick, or whatever.

A thing about commas: I feel that if you use more than two in a single sentence you should look at what you're writing. Because I can't think of many good sentences I've read that had more than two commas.

And.... your story ends there. For now. But I do quite like it, it has potential. I want to say that again in case I sounded like a discouraging dick, cause I can't do polite critique, it feels like pissing out of my eyes. I couldn't stand it in high school and I can't stand it now. Your story is good, it's got some shit parts but honestly you can fix those easily.

best of luck :D

Agree with
prose is too purple

pastebin.com/e3zqiPcY
first ti[m]e be gentle.
it's decent enough, but you overuse cliches. I can't tell if you're going for a neo-noir feel, or not, but if you are, it should be more obvious. Also, I don't really care about most of your character's morning ritual. Make sure whatever you expose has some merit for either coloring the scene and progressing the action. Don't waste sentences. I like the dry humor, though.

>There is no word that screams "I am in sixth grade" more than this word. I swear to god, it brings back memories of my sixth grade teacher saying "use something more interesting than said" and telling us the word "nonchalantly" to make us sound smart.
in general avoid adverbs after the speaking verb, and in general only use said.

Maine mornings are for breathing in its goodly Derry air

Of the larger sort, List! the wholesome rounding at the rear

This is the sort which over the other sings in me, cleaves the heart in two

Of that fact, I'll not deceive you

Re-posting since I made the mistake of posting in the dead thread.

He entered. As far as he could tell it was a dimly lit room illuminated by just small opening above his head. A light shone through an irregular hole revealing tiny floating specks of dust hanging in the air. The specks revealed a route that suggested "follow me!" only to abruptly disappear into the darkness in front of him. Sometimes you can feel welcome in a space. This was not one of those. This was one of those places that you distinctly felt should be left alone. A place that had been abandoned and dearly wished to remain so. He reached out with his foot, stepped down and pressed into the wood pannelled floor. A creak spoke out, filling the room for one heart-stopping moment. He immediately stopped. Then silence. An ice-cold sliver of a shiver splashed down his neck. What am I doing? Why am I here? Yes, this room wants to be left alone. He squinted, trying to make out something, anything recognizable.

Minutes passed. What had been like swirling dark pools of oil, black and impenetrable, to his relief, was beginning to become something comprehensible. The thick wall of swirling ink gradually gave way to fragmentary shapes. A baroque chair leg; fluted, dry and unpolished. A white sheet, resting on some edge of a piece of furniture. Half an octave of a keyboard and a portion of sheet music that appeared to hover above it. Corners of papers pointing into the darkness, scattered on the floor. The careless room, strewn in pieces, started to gather itself together under the sparse spotlight.

I like the confident, claim of the first line and the sound of "wholesome rounding of the rear" in the second line. I can't help but feel that the last line is a bit abrupt even though I suspect it's intentional.

this about eating ass, don't act like its not

This has excellent rhythm and is really pleasing to read. No complaints on the syntax really.
I will say that some word choices are kind of strange, though. I mean other than that, it's decent.

First line change the gerund to past tense and replace the comma with a colon
>fingers(;) the light... glint(ed)
Second paragraph replace simple descriptive structure with personification (maintain throughout piece)
Reduce needless grammar
>(that were) magnified to pitch marbles in his glasses
Third paragraph remove unnecessary comma, substitute 'bullet' with more varied and believable vernacular (maintain as appropriate throughout piece)
>clinked and rolled
Fourth paragraph replace technical description with more vernacular or even phonetic phrasing (i.e. five-five-six in lieu of 5.56, reads better in dialogue)
>"I have to say" I said
No
Fifth paragraph replace 'wage' with something less awkward, even just 'pay' or 'reward' reads better. 'Rate' is also good
Sixth paragraph reword to make more chronological sense
>(After) the military quarantined Great Falls for fear of “Exploitation by Subversive Elements,” I lost a decent job (at the refinery).
Final paragraph is actually the strongest overall, rework the second to last line to flow better by removing unnecessary stock descriptions.

Overall work on the voice of the passage. There's too much "I did" and "he said", it sounds sophomoric and simple. Also, it is unnecessary to add an epithet after a line of dialogue unless you wish to express specific visuals. Your readers can follow who said what by sheer context if your characterization is good (which does need some work in this piece, largely due to generic descriptions)

>epithet
I don't know what I meant to type there, probably epilogue, but you get my point.

Epitaph, maybe, but that's just pretentious

The tone of this story bothers me. It uses...(english is not my first language so forgive if I use the wrong words) But almost a posh sense of style in the wording/phrasing, yet overall it has a more casual narration which clashes between the two. It breaks the immersion imo.

This is my story from one I posted in the old critique thread, which an told me some critiques and I went back re-wrote it. This is the the old one and this is the new one. Any critiques would be helpful.

The chair had long gone without use until today, as the fleshy man gently set down his bulk into the creaking seat. The odd flicker of warmth came his way from a single candle on the table. Bushy eyebrows and beetle eyes looked around the room before settling down his gaze unto the prone figure half hidden underneath a pile of moth eaten rags. He grunted, wincing as the passed out man let out an ear splitting snore. Blimey, you don’t change do you James? He shook his head and fished an empty rum bottle out of one of the many pockets in his coat and aimed for the crotch. A loud yelp accompanied the injured man as he sat up, glaring at him between strands of greasy, unkempt hair. “Now who in the bloo- Oh, look who it is. Alcott. Now what on devil’s dick are you doing here?” James rasped, feebly standing up. Alcott shrugged. “I was in town, decided to come visit. Heard Eliza run off with the stable boy.” He heard a chuckle and then continued. “Her mother, you may remember her. If I recall, you were sweet on her once. Especially at night when her husband was away. Anyway, she’s now gone mad and is shunned by the high society.” Alcott grimaced at the sight of James smiling, teeth worn to nubs and blacker than a witch's cat. “Elizabeth deserved it, the high class whore.” He sighed. “Shame about the lass though, my blood after all.” Alcott raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” James threw up his hands. “Have you seen her nose? Longer than a man’s pecker. She’s mine alright. Ugly chit, takes right after me.” There was a hint of pride in his reedy voice. “At least the her mother, the cunt. Couldn’t hide it like she hid me after I spent my life savings trying to make her mine only to find out she was doing me, and the entire village.” James looked around and bent down, finding a bottle somehow among the filth and took swig. The sharp hawkish nose and enlarged pores were highlighted against the flickering light. “Her mother, may she cursed by the devil himself”

hey thanks for the honest advice. I try pretty hard to make the storytelling as simple as possible, though occasionally I do get trapped in the fact it ends up being a bit too simple.

god I need to proofread my posts, I meant to say as "efficient" as possible

user who told you to rework your adjectives in the last thread here
You've definitely got a more solid style to the piece now - where originally I just saw a wall of descriptors meant to pad space there's now a distinct tone emerging, and that's good.

No offense but it isn't that surprising to hear English is not your mother tongue; several of your word choices are slightly off though that's nothing that can't be rectified in 10 minutes.
The only real style corrections I see are an overabundance of "the"s and such articles that flatten the text.

I'd say format the text itself before doing anything, it's a wall right now

That's a beginner's trap. Don't try to imitate Hemingway, the man had decades of stylistic experience you don't. Read Gardner, Vonnegut or hell even Heinlein if you want to nail down a minimal style that still conveys tone and characterization without flourishes.

Just as a question, is this intended as the start to a larger story? In Medias Res is a generally solid launching point but if that's your aim you're going to need to nail down a lot more details about worldbuilding and initial development of characters than you do in this brief scene, which means you'll need to triple down on details about characters you wouldn't otherwise need to think of.

Envision your piece as if you're directing a movie, the text is your camera and you need to know exactly what to point it at and when to convey a point without needing to write an essay. The brief lines about the refinery getting shut down are a good start.

And I forgot to say, remove the term Jeep or at least remove the capitalization, hurts the worldbuilding.

Any advice to avoid off putting words/the' etc? I read a lot in hopes that it helps me with my writing, and try to emulate that casualness that I read in them without feeling the stiffness aka having a seamless read. I've been learning english for years now, since about the time I was 11 or so yet so it's a bit frustrating with these type things. I'm 20 now, would assume my english would get better but thank you! Any comments on the grammar or no? Jw. It's one of my main issues and again, thank you very much for the critique.

You caught me lmao
I actually read a ton of Heinlein when I was younger so he would be a good one to revisit.
Yes, it is supposed to be part of a ~5000 word short story. I appreciate the bit about the refinery, it's hard to tell if I'm doing exposition right, and it always feels clunky to me when its in the character's head.

This is honestly the best thing I've ever read on a critique thread

You've inspired me to stop shitposting and start writing again

As a general rule, when you have a character that isn't the type to exposit (is that a term? should be) in dialogue, then follow his natural thought patterns. The offer of cash naturally prompts a thought about lack of cash. It should feel natural, though that can be difficult.
Definitely revision Heinlein, Starship Troopers is a great example of a character who doesn't talk much expressing a lot through his basic thought process. Characters, events and situations from the past rise up naturally, creating perfect "a-ha!" moments that feel natural despite being planned.
Except that bit about tagalog which just felt like MULTICULTURALISM IN SPACE!!!

Don't feel bad man, English grammar is fucking hard because it's so casual and getting a subject > object relationship right can be very tricky if you didn't grow up speaking English fluently.
The problem is that there's no simple set of rules I could give you that would work 100% of the time. If you like, I can have a go at retooling the grammar myself, and you can use that to check against as you continue to write.

The good news is that your grammar is solid enough to convey your points easily, and the corrections are on the level any half rate editor could fix up, which is a lot better than many of the native English writers in this thread.

I would actually appreciate that so much. Thank you user, so just so you know im Really would appreciate it. Ty. Would you mind also changing the words you felt were off putting so I can see what to look out for next time?

publish this user

The chair had long gone without use until today, as the fleshy man gently set his bulk down into the protesting seat. An odd flicker of warmth came his way from a single candle on the table opposite. Bushy eyebrows and beetles' eyes looked around the room before settling their gaze on a prone figure half hidden beneath a pile of moth-eaten rags. The man grunted, wincing as the unconscious heap let out an ear-splitting snore.
"Blimey, you don’t change, do you James?" He shook his head and fished an empty rum bottle from one of the many pockets in his coat and aimed for his neighbor's crotch. A loud yelp accompanied the rustle of sheets as the injured man sat up, glaring at his assailant between strands of greasy, unkempt hair. “
Now who in the bloody- Oh, look who it is," James rasped, feebly standing up. "Alcott. Now what on devil’s dick are you doing here?” Alcott shrugged.
“I was in town, decided to come visit. Heard Eliza had run off with the stable boy.” He heard a chuckle, then continued: “Her mother, you may remember her. If I recall, you were sweet on her once. Especially at night when her husband was away. Anyway, she’s now gone mad and is shunned by the high society.” Alcott grimaced at the sight of James' smile, teeth worn to nubs and blacker than a witch's cat.
“Elizabeth deserved it, the high class whore,” James sighed. “Shame about the lass though - my blood, after all.”
“Are you sure?”Alcott asked, an eyebrow raised.
“Have you seen her nose?" James threw up his hands. "Longer than a man’s pecker! She’s mine alright. Ugly chit, takes right after me.” There was a hint of pride in his reedy voice. “At least more than her mother, the cunt. Couldn’t hide it like she hid me, after I spent my life savings trying to make her mine, only to find out she was doing me, and the entire village (?).” James looked around and bent down, produced a bottle from somewhere among the filth and took a swig. His sharp, hawkish nose and swollen pores were highlighted against the flickering light. “Her mother, may she be cursed by the devil himself.”

Here's what I got. I was a little unclear on that last paragraph but I think I figured it out.

The biggest changes are reworking multiple repeats of "the man" or "him/his" to be more indicative of who is doing what. I would also suggest using brief descriptions of characters in place of their names when formatting dialogue, so James and Alcott can be used with less repetition.

Yeah that's what I noticed I was having a lot of trouble with, with the whole trying to talk about the characters without mentioning their names/him/he. Thank you so much. This really helps a lot. Thank you.

>but then again most people in this thread didn't do it at all

I did. After the fact, but I made up for my wrongs.

Bretty good.

we're all reeeeeeal fuckin impressed

cancer

hahaha holy shit rekt

>half your criticism is about how your opinion differs about Brooklyn
>other half judges two individual lines without any other context
>no constructiveness
>salty remark at the bottom because you're also too shit to publish

holy fuck I'm not even that user and you've triggered me. At least he was published, fuck off