Since when were "restaurant critics" bigger self-important narcissists than instagram users...

I know I came ill prepared and I'm looking for more.

>those people who write haughty 3,000+ word prose on their trip to Burger King

I'm looking through reviews downtown restaurants that hipsters frequent. Going to post some of those gems.

...

>vegan agenda

>my daughter NEEDS gluten free

lel

This looks like something I'd write if the same things happened to me.

>salty af

Almost every place I go to gives free tap water.

>Y'all do you

...

Its a medical condition, it's called being a coeliac. So yes, she does NEED gluten free

I fucking hate this phrase

I hope you realize 99% of GFfags are not actually celiac and that it's basically the new Atkins diet

Who says that? Fat people from Oklahoma?

My goodness

My friend has a kid starting to go to school and he showed me this paper for a bake off they are doing, and there were /tons/ of things you had to avoid using and you have to check boxes if it has certain things in it.

When I was a kid there were the "allergic to peanut butter" and "lactose intolerant" kids and that was it.

Yeah there's a lot of GF fags, but coelics disease is pretty common

That's actually illegal if the place serves alcohol. Or it's illegal in murrica anyway

>lactose intolerant

Waaaaaahhh, it gives me diarrhea! Not a real allergy.

Well, she was kinda stupid to assume that a bar by The Rave in Milwaukee was going to have anything but shitty bar food likely cooked by either a server or bartender.

This. So many schools now where NOBODY is allowed to bring a peanut butter sandwich or a normal granola bar on the premises because some kid might be allergic to it. Not a thing when I was a kid, and that wasn't that long ago. The fact that they restrict EVERYONE to cater to the very few who have allergies is a little bit goofy imo.

As a cook I fucking hate this, but I do have a childhood friend who's celiac so I do have a lot of sympathy for the people who genuinely do have issues. That shit really sucks.

Holy fuck that's exactly how I feel about Beans and Barley though

Honestly, I'd be pissed off too if they didn't give out free tap.

No, faggot hipster college kids in Northern states that adopt y'all as a quirky affectation.

milwaukee bros help me find some reviews from hipster spots in bayview

Not quite Bayview, but close enough.
>waaaaaah no brunch on Saturdays waaaaah take my highly qualified advice on how to run your business

i hope shes young and grows out of this shit. jesus christ

>Bitches about the Toadies (which has nothing to do with food, only her taste in music)
>Loves Strongbow

>yfw you are rot-brained, beatnik, bleeding-heart, intellectual wanna-be, socialist, anti-independent, granola eating, Prius driving, wanna-be green, big brother, forever mirred in academia, left-wing, no make up wearing, fuzzy chinned, jack-booted, transgendered, he's gay, she's gay, double espresso douche bag and some crazy right winger chokes out your friend

>The fact that they restrict EVERYONE to cater to the very few who have allergies is a little bit goofy imo.
Blame the dems for shit like this

I'd be pretty angry too and also I'm sure this is illegal in the states.

It's the law in some areas, even though fast-food places hate it.

>Blame the dems for shit like this

But, you know, I'm a dem and my kid can't eat gluten. He knows life shit on him and it sucks. But, he's never said anything to me about feeling left out or oppressed or whatever. He's told me that it is embarrassing when teachers talk about his dietary issues and other kids give him shit about it when they they overhear. He told me to leave it off his medical forms and not tell anyone when he gets to high school and he can handle it on his own.

It really makes me wonder how many other kids are more inconvenienced by adults talking their special status, than they are by not getting to participate in bake sales. Thinking back, I could see myself easily getting a TON of shit from my buddies if they learned I couldn't eat peanuts (not true, btw). In fact, I wouldn't put it past them to throw peanuts at me because kids are stupid.

Any place that serves alcohol is legally required to provide free tap water.

I'm 30 and have a peanut allergy that can result in death if ingested. I have had them thrown at me. You are not wrong.

>using yelp for anything but pictures of the menu if the place doesn't have a decent website or facebook with the prices on it

>american bartenders are so fucked in the head that this has to be legally mandated
Tipping needs to be abolished

In the UK it's illegal for any restaurant not to give free tap water

easy for the UK, harder for some places in the US given the deserts and such

So I heard you're not allergic to spicy Indian/Mexican food?

So I heard you're not allergic to your fancy spicy ethnic food of choice?

Do you really think it's so bad that they need to go without drinking as much water as we do?

I had a childhood friend who was allergic to a load of stuff. It's like he was allergic to everything you could be allergic to.

You do you.

>[long asspained story about servers or cashier]
>"the food was really good though"
>2/5

this ihs a legit gripe, em thinks

When I was in elementary school in germany, we had one kid in the class, who had extremely strict dietary requirements.
Of course I could not really grasp the background of it, but I think it had something to do with being unable to process a lot of complex sugars, beside a lot of other issues.

While everyone else was enjoying the milk during the break, he got a tray with red cabbage.

Of course he was slightly alienated by this. But even we little runts had the necessary empathy to see, that he got the short end of the stick anyway, and was not at fault to boot.

JFC, if you have a dietary restriction then tell/ask your server upfront. I've never been to a place where a server asked about dietary restrictions, but maybe the Southwest ain't "real America."

What an edgy asshole. Telling a mother and kid to fuck off.

That doesn't happen anywhere, that person is just insane.

We need more owner replies ITT.

Kids should not be brought to bars

Fun fact I use to get paid $2.50-$5 each to write fake reviews on there. Not sure if it was for yelp themselves but with the wide array of small places all over the country it had to be. They were just drafts too so what I'm assuming is they have fake accounts and just stick them to accounts near the area I would write each review for. Think it was 250-500 words but they weren't very judicious in checking my work and I had no qualms about taking advantage of that so I would copypasta from a set of 50 or so and just change the names, rearrange a couple words, etc. Did this in 2014 fwiw. Would come home or spend a couple hours on a Saturday morning and spew out copypasta crap for ~$60/hr effectively. Was capped to only doing so many per week. They always had to be overwhelming positive too.

Point is, I wouldn't trust a fucking thing on there.

Used not Use

how do i do this? i have no morals and need extra cash

Jeff sounds like a fucking cunt.

Kyle D.
Phoenix, AZ

2 friends
13 reviews

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1.0 star rating
3/11/2017

This may be the weirdest review I ever wrote. I understand why the staff and the chef have memory issues. They undercooked our pasta the first time. Messed up a bit on our a dish the second time. But we accepted it and it tasted great.

However, this place isn't as busy as it should be. It looks nice, smells good, but why is it so much more crowded next door?

Part of it may be customer service, sure, but the biggest part is that they are in a water-damaged building with a mold that emits neurotoxins. Most may feel this as a "bad vibe" and nothing more. Some may feel nothing in particular.

I got sick in a house with this mold. It impaired my immune system which caused a secondary infection that broke my immune system. My uncle still lives in this house and won't leave. He has Alzheimer's dementia from it. The house seriously impairs my memory as well. A person not sensitized to this mold most likely can't detect the problem. You have to live/work in it for months or years before the problem is apparent.

I came home and had the worst neuroinflammation in a long time. I had to sleep in a dark bathroom the whole next day. My frontal sinuses swelled up like they were going to explode. The head pain was excruciating. Brought up a lot of bad memories.

Stachybotrys is my best guess. For the staff: get your building tested if you don't believe me. And change locations when you can. Your memory may be damaged, but it will partially or fully recover when you find a good building. Your energy and mood will improve too. And you'll enjoy coming to work again. Don't wait for the dementia to set in.

The problem is, for some people it's a genuine issue, so you have all these people crying wolf over nothing, which causes restaurants to not actually clean their equipment/use gluten-free ingredients.

Celiac disease does require some people to be gluten free, any body else that is gluten free is fucking retarded

...

>I don't have a sausage and cheese omelette on the menu because they are disgusting

So not only does he have poor taste, but he has no idea how to run a business.

Why do people review like this

>they're not good, they're great

What's the problem with that review? It explains the general perception of the restaurant and why that perception is inaccurate. It also is rather specific when it comes to the issues with the place rather than simply saying something like "it was bad". I don't see a problem here. The writing style is a little odd, but who cares? It conveys the important information and that's all that matters.

because they talk like they're writing a fucking english essay when its a food review

Educated people like us British tend to write in a structured manner, so sod off shart in mart

The reviewer is from Texas.

what does that have anything to do with what I said, shart in mart?

That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

It sounds like the real problem is in your sperghead.

>like us British

Yeah, too bad you have the grammar of a cockney navy!

soup and gravy

I'm not American. Maybe install 4chanx so you can see poster IDs and realize I'm not the guy who posted the screenshot of the review.

back to plebbit

>defending eliot rodgers food manifesto

Great rebuttal; very well thought out.

Now i know people on yelp can be pompous dickheads if they deal with even a SLIGHT inconvenience but holy fuck that is probably the worst practice for PR ive ever seen. Does he honestly realize that petty shit like this is how you lose costumers big time? The review even noted how the place was only a third full at max. Some peoples pride I swear.

Why do you fags never include the restaurant name when you screencap these reviews? It's infuriating.

More mothers need to be told this, actually. They let their hellspawn get away with murder and harass all the other customers. Swearing in public should not be a social crime.

Seriously, fuck liberals. 5 stars for that reviewer for having the balls to tell it like it is.

What's the point of having the name?

The point is how dumb the review is. The name of the restaurant is totally irrelevant.

I'm not allergic to any food, but I hate cilantro. Bring on the spices and peppers, this white boy loves flavor in his food.

Is this still a thing? Hook a bro up, I could use the cash and love to shitpost.

You're just intimidated by an alpha male.

>t. Jeff.

I'd be more than willing to churn out bullshit for money. Hell, I churn out bullshit for free as it is, might as well make a living out of it.

Underrated

Haha, that owner reply starts out reasonable and then goes off the rails. He must have been chugging a bottle of wine between paragraphs.

>You can't tell the restaurant name from the owner's name.
Holy shit, is this the new newfag/summerfag detector?

This review isn't food related, but he has many more reviews which are. They all have a running theme of suggesting they open a location in San Francisco, accepting BitCoins, ADA compliance of the restrooms, building occupancy, and pictures of the staff.