Okay, Veeky Forumsizens. Here's the deal. I'll post a word. It could be a noun, an adjective, a verb, a bumblebee; it could be anything that I happen to be thinking of at any particular moment; and I want you to write a poem based around it.
After I come back from work, I'll come up with a new word, AND FROM THERE ON OUT, YOU CANNOT POST YOUR POEM REVOLVING AROUND THE OLD WORD. That is the only time limit.
I'll be checking in every now and then; posting on poems that I want to talk about, and obviously, you guys are free to r8/h8 along with me. Okay?
The current word is "Deal"
Jack Brown
I have no deal for my own soul I could not sell or let it go No good deal for price of I I clutch my soul until I die
If I sold myself to thee Wouldst I be a man to me No deal for you, mine soul be tried I take my soul to after-life
In my will, herein I've wrote "Tender senpai, respect thy note Have my shoes and take my fees But leave my soul beside the keys
Sell my stocks and break my bonds My list of things go on and on But on the line within page 3 Leave my blessed soul to me
Signed and written, truly loved I leave my assets in your trust With the soul I plan to keep From up above, we will remeet."
Christopher Cooper
Fuck, that took a lot longer than I thought, and it wasn't even that good. Oh well, might as well get the ball started and rolling.
Jason Russell
>senpai got translated to senpai, even though I meant to use it in the old, archaic sense of the word, and not the new-fangled meem version everyone used to spam in 2016
C'mon, man. "Pham" used to be a legitimate word, guys.
Grayson Bailey
My friend tonight, he picked me up From a bar where I get drunk I scratch his door and puke on the truck I say let's make a deal, he yells what the fuck
My mother holds me tight with love and care Above all else, she says I'm fair In return she only asks for how I feel And I tell her that you've got a deal
I told my son that his mother and I Are getting divorced after giving a try He cries and begs for us not to steal I hold his head saying let's make a deal
Tonight I crashed into a tree No one else was there but me Thinking if I'll make it and if someone heard the squeal Shaking two bloody hands I say let's make a deal
Bentley Morgan
>that pic
Don't provoke a relapse here, buddy.
Levi Lewis
There was a man who couldn't deal with his dick in his hand, so he'd kneel before mary and god pleading that the poor sod deserves a new dick that can't feel.
Grayson Gomez
But Mr. President, my people are willing— "No deal." Please, it will only take— "No deal." Surely you can see that if we— "No deal." The people are divided we must— "No deal." We need to stifle this misinf— "No deal." Ok, ok, well— "No deal." Wha— "No deal." Fine, I'll just order the fries. "Deal."
Hudson Thomas
...
Evan Perez
I honestly like these for what they are.
It's not bad, but I'm not a fan of the writing style. It's fitting, but still feels off to me.
Samuel Collins
thanks, i was pretty pleased with my rhymes.
Blake Edwards
shiggedy wiggedy wiggedy doo
Hudson Wright
NEW WORD IS FIRST
>NEW WORD IS FIRST
NEW WORD IS FIRST
Will post my poem when I return from work (I was simply on break)
James Torres
FREESTYLE THREAD??
The word is deal i dont buy the food, i steal pull up with a gun make you lil bitch niggas squeeal all i do is kill i already know what your bitches neck like feel
ugh
Bix Nood KayZee muhfugga
Luis Flores
>relapse
I know a fwuffy who's going to get a prolapse, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Julian Brooks
1
I sit on the quiet night It was dark With a quilt I carry I lay under the bark tonight
The winds they hollor To pull my covers In waves to a peaceful slumber
2
They say that some people see the light That the Lord came to them as a ghost They say that some people are happy Rich, handsome, and healthy But im too sad to work If there was a good day Well Lord, I havent seen one yet
Sebastian King
The first time I walked, I trot My legs had come upon a stop, And on that stop I overlooked, The route that lead me to a brook
And on that spot, first I tried To make the moment only mine, This I tried but could not do For you with me, and I with you
First you left and last I stayed I only wish I could have saved The thing that matters most of all Should not have tried to love at all
Alexander James
Wicked, blasted, twisted thing that burrows in the night With gangrenous gnarls of flesh mottled across your body First, ye are First to be born O, ancestor of all terrors of man Destroy and tear yourself into pieces of blackness to inhabit the minds of all those apprehensive First ye are First to die The breath of death and the breadth of all that humans will only hope to never understand are carried upon your back Blackened thoughts burned into the minds of all that are cursed with life First ye are First ye are to birth the fear of death
Christian Torres
...
Adrian Cruz
All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two Had no intention to do the things we've done Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find But then we're two of a kind, we move as one
We're an all time high We'll change all that's gone before Doing so much more than falling in love On an all time high We'll take on the world and win So hold on tight, let the flight begin
I don't want to waste a waking moment; I don't want to sleep I'm in so strong and so deep, and so are you In my time I've said these words before, but now I realize My heart was telling me lies, for you they're true
We're an all time high We'll change all that's gone before Doing so much more than falling in love On an all time high We'll take on the world and win So hold on tight, let the flight begin
Landon Adams
freestyle thread.
motherfuckers cant deal, they're like onions you could peel
back layers and layers of this fake shit, im unrated and racy
like pasty white kids masturbating with fruit pastries
not good for your children's safety, so please reconsider
fuck around with this'll make your ear hole bit bigger
Dominic Howard
posted my poem here, got no responses at all no one that appreciates art anywhere what is this board just fucking hipsters sigh
Hudson Hughes
Yo, my dude. OP here. Just got off work. Which one is your poem? I've been reading through them, and I must admit, I am highly pleased
Juan Cox
I get what the last three stanzas are saying, but what kind of "deal" is the guy making in the very first one? 3rd stanza hit the hardest, Eff-Wai-Ai. Just hit too close for comfort.
B-
Agree with critic-fag. I like this one for what it is. Don't know why, but religious themes have become very popular within my sensibilities.
B
Not too sure what's going on here. President is sitting with some lobbyist in a McDonalds, trying to discuss policy? I like the idea of it; where the dialogue is abruptly cut off and interrupted with "no deal", but I'm afraid I found it a little too heavy-handed and blunt. Perhaps I'm just not seeing it correctly.
C+
Didn't really have anything to do with "deals". I guess it's alright.
C-
"bitch niggas" could have been shortened down to "bitch" and still maintained the temp without losing any emphasis on the adversary's illegitimacy. If this was truly "freestyle", with complete improvisation...then that's not half bad.
C+/B-
First one seems kind of unfocused. Second one is much more precise and directed. I swear I'm not being biased to all the religious ones, but I feel like the topic of religion is just a good magnet for people's creative output, so when they talk about, say, politics or religion, their poems tend to be a lot more powerful.
1. C- 2. B
Mason Bell
This one is mine. I give myself an A because absolute power corrupts absolutely.
A+++++
Sounds like it's a reference to a still born baby? Or maybe a dead baby? Not entirely sure what the poem is about, but even so, just the words and the composition, in and of itself, aren't too bad.
C+
Kind of unfocused. Can trim off some of the fat and maybe use some better imagery to demonstrate your feelings better. You're trying to convince me you and this girl of yours are some sort of crazy power-couple or something. Really sell it to me. I'll be honest; I'm just not feeling it, even though I know what you're going for.
B-
Fruit pastries? For real? Nah, just kidding, you're all right; especially if this is purely improvisational. The last line could just be shortened down to "ear hole bigger", and I feel it'd match the tempo more accurately. I like the "not good for your children's safety" line. Seems provocative. Very imaginative.
B/B+
If this is a surprise entry poem, I must admit, I like it.
B+
Luis Scott
The deal in the first one stands for him not being able to pay for the damage he caused but he'd do something for him instead since they're friends. That sort of abuse that alcoholic/gambler/depressive friends give to their sober friends. I guess whatever favor you can imagine though, I didn't have a specific one in mind. 3rd stanza hits home too amigo
Colton Taylor
I wake up in the morning and I feel it in my knees Toss and turn inside my bed And all the shit that's in my head Kickin' and I'm screamin' that I got a disease Anything to get a fix And hurry up, let's make it quick I just wanna feel I just wanna feel I just wanna feel Something real
Eli Lopez
Before I die I'll write this letter Here are the secrets you must know Until the cloak of evening shadow Changes to mantle of the dawn Will it be sunny then I wonder? Rolling and turning How can I sleep? Hold on till morning What if I fall?
Over the hills and down the valleys Soaring aloft and far below Lying on stony ground the fragments Truth is the seed we tried to sow Marking the time spent on our journey There isn't much we have to show Counting the cost in money only Strikes me as funny don't you know?
Tongue tied the thread of conversation Weighing the words one tries to use
Nevertheless communication This is the gift you must not lose Hauling me always are the voices (Tell us are you ready now?) Sometimes I wonder if they're real (We're ready to receive you now) Or is it my own imagination? (Have you any more to say?) Guilt is a wound that's hard to heal (It's a cross you have to bear) Could it be evil thoughts become me (Tell us what you're thinking now) Some things are better left unsaid
Magical moment The spell it is breaking There is no light here Is there no key?
Gabriel Jenkins
This was mine for deal. Here's mine for first.
Smokey clouds shroud a moon glowing bright Orange burning roach held anxiously in sight by hands to pass to hand soon pressed to lips- The first time I smoked was a night such as this
Though tonight I am alone
Roaming open streets with foggy thoughts filling my head like soggy socks squishing in soaked shoes hang by laces from a light post wire
If only I could have known
Joseph Bennett
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
>NEW WORD IS "JUMPSTART"
Levi Edwards
That clears things up nicely. Makes a lot more sense now that I'm up to speed.
Unsure of what's going on, or what the connection to either "deal" or "first" is. Poem is a little vague, and the most I could get out of it is someone is dying, or someone feels like they're dying, and the last thing they want to give to their loved one before dying is their memories of each other, and not money, or something. Am I right? I think with a couple of edits, this poem could be something a whole lot better.
C
This is what I'm talking about when I say a poet should be able to allow the reader to "wak in his footsteps" and allow them to live through his words.
The idea of walking alone, high, at night, this is the sort of imagery that a lot of people can relate to. It becomes something visceral. Still needs a little work, as right now, I feel it's sort of a rough draft, but this is a good starting point.
B+
Christian Butler
>inferring poems need to be specific in a narrative sense, unless you're a simpleton and need everything explained, I don't think analysing poems is your thing desu
meh, must be on the wrong thread, I'm out.
Kayden Anderson
Yo, are you fucking for real? Don't get all shitty on me just because your poem doesn't make sense. At least when my shit sucks, I can fucking admit it, you hack. Poetry isn't just a bunch of pretty words laced together in a neat little triangle bow.
"Until the cloak of evening shadow Changes to mantle of the dawn"
Are you shitting me, dude? Do you write for fucking DC or something?
"Truth is the seed we tried to sow"
Wow. Compelling shit. I can't believe I didn't give you a fucking A.
No, trust me, man. You're in the perfect thread. This is a thread for practicing poetry; and believe you me, you're definitely in need of some fucking practice...Fucking prick.
Brody Flores
learn to imagery stopping trying to rhetorical question -ing rhymes are gross and abstract your work (just like -ation rhymes) there are some cliches in the piece (i counted 6) read more and then try writing again, or at least force yourself to write something more image driven.
Hunter Cruz
No, problem thanks for taking the time to critique all these poems man. And talking about your views instead of saying something sucks with nothing backing your statement. Might as well give you some love too man. This is pretty good. Personally, I enjoy strong imagery or intelligent flow among the words, and you did great on the meter and structure. While I can definitely relate to the poem, I don't get that strong specific imagery in my head that I like. Which is mostly a personal preference being that your poem is easily followed and understood. > (True to your methods) B-
This one is a little weaker, I can tell less time went into it. But it's still pretty good. Your rhymes and general idea are weaker and the overall idea comes off spotty, but it is all there. I'd say you could benefit from another stanza here for sure. But it does still work as it is now, and I do like how the simplicity of the poem caters to the subject matter. >C+
Keep em coming man and keep the words coming. I'll hang around with ya until you get tired of it.
Ayden Allen
The art of the deal Makin' cucks squeal McMahon in my corner, I ain't never turnin' heel Yeah they say that money is the root of all evil Well I was born with millions but my driver's got the wheel
Jaxson Bennett
Here's now mine for jump-start
Long it has been that I have known my jalopy sits idle and overgrown Resting patiently behind my home awaiting next time to be driven
I have forgiven the rusting paint and muffler missing as tires deflate Knowing that it supported my weight as I'd speed along the interstate
My date looks at me and questions inside my home to my bed where I'd decide to jump-start my heart with her tonight
Knowing right well behind my home jumper cables sprawl all alone within the trunk of my rusty jalopy
Colton Richardson
...
Landon Howard
Ayyyyyy, thanks for taking the time to critique my poetry. Feel free to dispense some grades along with me Even though there's only 16 posters in this whole thread
And yeah, my second one was pretty shitty. Almost didn't want to publish it, but then I figured, what OP would I be if I didn't stick to my own guns, shitty poem or no?
Freestyle improv? If this is the same person, and if this actually is "freestyle", where you're coming up with the lyrics on the spot, then you're clearly getting better. Don't know who McMahon is (a wrestler?), so I wasn't able to enjoy that reference, but the brevity of your poem made sure I didn't miss out on too much.
Overall grade: >B-/B
This one seems sort of like an evolution of your second poem; I can kind of even imagine the same narrator in both of them. Good juxtaposition on the distance between the narrator's love-life and his failing car, but the rhyme and rhythm are a little confusing; not to say poems with no rhyme and rhythm are not poetry, but it seems to follow a pattern in one stanza, and then leaves it for another in the next. I believe it might read better if you were to stick to one tempo and kept at it.
Overall grade: >B+
James Wright
My life needs a jumpstart, I'm running out of time If the young eat the old, then I'm the next in line Please; oh please-- take this mind of mine Give me someone else's better brain and borrowed time
I need a new future, man. Do you sell those too? Baby's got a pair of shoes, but I've got none to lose Truth is the truth, the truth is tragic news I drink until my collarbone is touching with a noose
And whose, To Blame But life is such a shame I never asked to be this way, I'll never be the same Pick a better man to ask to live this life of mine Cause I need a jumpstart, and a jumpstart, takes time
Jackson Cook
Yeah I'll be tossing out other rates here or there for sure. I am ADD about my poems in that I hate for them to have too much structure, if that makes any sense at all. I know you're right though, and it's why I keep on practicing. I tried to hold the varying rhyme scheme (the last word of each stanza) together by rhyming them soon after after in the start of the next stanza (driven, forgiven; interstate, date) but I can see it fell flat. I can see how you'd think I carried over narrators. To be honest, I really really like the poem I started about the first time I smoked, so I'm still working on that and it rubbed off on this one.
This is fantastic. Very pertinent to my life right now; and your writing reminds me of my own but yours is more refined. Reads well, flows well, is structured well- all-in-all a solid poem.
