Does Veeky Forums know any funny jokes?

Two trotskysts get on an elevator
by the time they get out there are 3 factions

kek

knock knock

come on in nigga it open

Thomas Pynchon

who the fuck would be offended by this?

Thomas Pynchon who?

Thomas Pynch-on your nose!
*pinches on your nose*
(my name is Thomas)

A brunette swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired and drowns.
A red head swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired and drowns.
A blond swims across a river.
When she reaches the middle, she gets tired, so she turns around and swims back to shore.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Deutsche geht ums Eck.
Bus ist weg.
Türke geht ums Eck.
Bus ist weg.
Pole geht ums Eck.
Eck ist weg.

Sam Harris walks into a bar.
What else was he supposed to do?

Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

Soviet jail cell:

"What you in for?"
>I was for Osip. You?
"I was against Osip."
>How about that guy?

I'm Osip.

>Who can give a summary of the Song of Roland?
"Never put all your Basques in one exit."

>AOI

How do you know the Lubyanka is the tallest building in Moscow?

You can see Siberia from the basement.

American to Russian:
"In America I have the freedom to stand in front of the White House and yell 'Reagan sucks.'"

Russian to American:
"So what? I have the freedom to stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'Reagan sucks.'"

What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski

That's funny, but so esoteric that one guy in the audience might laugh. Also, doesn't Song of Roland say it was the "Saracens" who decimated the rearguard?

How many Moscow cops does it take to make a traffic stop?

3: one to read, one to write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals

Sisyphus being happy

sam harris

Yeah, but that is poetic license. The Basques were mostly pagan, and the real Roland used some of the muslims as mercenaries.

Post-Soviet mobster 1: "Aren't you gonna kill him?"
Post-soviet mobster 2: "Look at your Rolex. It's five after five. I'll kill him tomorrow."

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

One user posted in the Deleuze thread:
why did deleuze keep his fingernails long?

so he could play his guitarry

Then I have some:
Why are so many black people hit by cars during the winter?
Easier to see them in the snow

How many jews can you fit in a car?
Depends on how big the ashtray is

How do you get a jewish girl's number?
Roll up her sleeve

my diary desu

I must be a brainlet because this makes no sense to me. I laughed, but I feel like I'm missing a reference. Is this a subversion of the classic folktale structure where the third iteration is a twist on the first two?

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?". To which the second muffin replies "Holy Cow, a talking muffin!"

This has me in honest to god tears

Brilliant.

It's a hairy dog joke.

"Everybody Knows Jerzy"

>Hey, you hear what Jerzy did today?
Who's Jerzy?
>You kidding? Everybody knows Jerzy. Come on. Jerzy.
I don't know who you're talking about.
>Come with me. See that cab driver?
Yeah.
>Hey. Cabbie. Do I know you?
No, buddy. Never seen you before
>You hear what Jerzy did today?
Of course. He...
>See? Let's go downtown.
...
>See the mayor at that table? HEY MAYOR YOU HEAR ABOUT JERZY?
THE ABSOLUTE MAD MAN
>Everybody knows Jerzy.
Impossible.
>We're flying to Italy
...
>Ok. This is St Peter's Square. Look up there. That's the Pope on the right.
I recognize the Pope. Oh, excuse me. Yes? Can I help you stranger?

"Who is that guy in the funny hat standing next to Jerzy?"

bump

funny how?

I would tell a joke about Jim Jones, but the punch line is too long.

fuck

Q. Who are the four greatest Portuguese poets of the 20th century? A. Fernando Pessoa.

I don't get it.

Aryan genetics

Read the punchline as
>Is that all you think of people
And it was much funnier that way

Holy shit dude, I went full fucking Muttley Whiplash on my friend over discord from this, for like ten minutes.

I used to tell a joke like this where the narrator is a guy at a bar with a big orange head, and his third wish is to have the big orange head.

This version is so much better.

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

youtube.com/watch?v=A_CUjf8qA9M

Beat this

What do a bass and a bāss have in common

A man walks in to a bar. To him, the bar is the only place that feels like home.

However, the bar only feels like home when he's drunk. The drunk version of that man lives in the bar, but the sober man has no home!

He realizes this on the twenty or so steps to his beer and whiskey, and it is very painful. He drops to his knees and let's out a cry of sorrow.

...

No good? Let me do the short version.

A man walks into a bar; ouch!

A bear was walking through a forest. It saw a car on fire, sat down and burnt to death.

I have recently begun studying A.I. and am very fascinated by the field. I never was so naive as to be sure human-like or even better-than-human machines would be developed through the process of formalizing everything. However, in my heart, the burning desire to build such an intelligent agent still resides.

The article was a nice read. It seems to me more like Dreyfus had a strobg intuition (just like almost anybody during that time) that the process was faulty. However, his arguments are unsubstantiated and improper. Everything he argued could be reduced to "yeah, but do you REALLY think we can be represented through such simple symbols?" or "Do you think it's really THAT easy?"

And I'd like to ask you - what do you think about the current statistical and probabilistic approach to A.I?

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Me, because I'm replying to myself.

If you like this joke let me know

There once was a Hedgehog that spent 2 years learning to breath out of his bottom.
One Day he sat in a puddle and drowned
XAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXA

this reads like a joke Norm Macdonald would tell, very funny - i'll be telling it a lot

Given that his wishes are so ridiculous you are expecting there to be some sort of explanation for his actions. The joke is that there is no explanation, he's just a fucking idiot.

Your one rep max

should be a whore, a slut, and a queer.

The praise this is getting just baffles me. Really reveals how low the power level is around here.

>And I'd like to ask you - what do you think about the current statistical and probabilistic approach to A.I?
I hope it can actually gives us answers to issues of philosophy of mind, particularly concerning non-neural resources, for example, proving the Extended Mind Theory would herald nothing less than a revolution.

plato.stanford.edu/entries/embodied-cognition/#EmbCogExtMinThe

Descartes walks in to a bar and orders a beer. He drains it, and the bartender asks if he wants another.

he says "I think not" and disappears.

People with dark skin

ha, that's a good one

fuck all these replies for making me waste my time

What do you get when you cross a elephant and a clock? I don't know. Can you help me write jokes?

it was russian tier

it was also russian tier

Where did the bear get the saw? That wasn't explained.

"I didn't like the Iliad. Not to sound homer-phobic or anything, though."

Two Irishmen walk past a bar.

You have a great future ahead of you. *Ba Dum Tss*

A blind man walks past a fish market and says "Hello ladies!"

What's the most important question for safe sex?

At what time does your husband get home?

ulysses is a great book

nice but he's more than four

these are all so awful , but I dont have anything either

What's the worst thing about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills and Nash?

no Young

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A wooly jumper

...

>asking me to click embed so I can view a joke
you drastically overestimate the amount of effort I'm willing to put into things

Jesus, I'm hysterical in public

jew one can be alternatively told as

>How do you fit 100 Jews in a small car?
>Two in the front, four in the back, and 94 in the ashtray.

youtube.com/watch?v=di4cmQO5mRk

this one's better

that's pretty good

u get agent 47
tim(e) from clock and olyphant from elephant

or u get a telephone
for trunk dial-ing

This one actually got me.

So there's this girl, called Rose Petal, and she has a brother called Fridge. One day, (she's now approaching that age of common sense), she goes up to her mother and asks: "Why the hell would you name me Rose Petal, mom?"
Her mother sighs, sits down, and tells her the story of her birth: "I called you that because, not long after your birth, you were lying under one of the flowers brought in for you at the hospital, and a tiny rose petal fell down and landed straight on your forehead. And you began to smile."
Rose is very satisfied with this explanation, and hurries to her brother to tell him about it.
"Fridge," she says, "You'll never believe how I got my name!"
And Fridge replies: "AWHUWHUU"

I don't get it

O it's just a shit joke lol

I know a very similar one:
A man meets three beautiful women.
The first one says: "When I was born, a rose fell on my head, and that's why my name is Rose!"
The second one says: When I was born, a daffodil fell on my head, and that's why my name is Daffodil!"
The man turns to the third one and asks what her name is. She turns to him and says: "TTRREEEEE!!"

She was already in the middle, but was too stupid to just keep swimming.