Cookout Hate Thread

and you bring the autism

He better not, that's what I was gonna bring.

I bring napkins usually. My family just always valued knowing how to cook on both my mother and fathers sides.

Fuck off with your stupid meme post.

It was retarded the first you time posted, and it's even more cringey now.

I boil ribs in unsalted water, then just put them on the grill with some sauce to get a little crispy char on the outside

and in doing so I realized what a complete waste of time and effort smoking ribs is, because the product is just the same doing it this way and it's done in 15 minutes

youre a fucking moron

I'm not. The flavor is exactly they same and they are nice and soft. 5 minutes on a coal grill gives you all the smoke flavor you need

no, just no

I mostly lurk and don't cook a whole lot at all, but by normie standards I think I make decent beer brats. I made some on memorial day but only my dad tried them, and loved them. The rest of my family just ate hotdogs and burgers; they're all pretty basic with food (won't eat seafood, anything spicy etc) and they all hate beer. I wanted to make buffalo chicken dip tomorrow but I don't want to feel like shit about the little cooking I do again. It's kind of ironic that my dad has the most boring taste in food, because he's more willing to try new stuff than everyone else and doesn't immediately act disgusted just because he's never had something before.

You've either been smoking ribs wrong or you're an idiot.

>Your self-proclaimed meat expert
>Doesn't even know what the most basic seasonings are, let alone uses them
>Patty falls apart during cooking, as nothing was added the mince as a binder
>Believes you only need to flip a patty twice.
>Falls the "medium rare" meme
>Outside is burnt while inside is raw

>Dad is the self proclaimed grill expert
>only uses Paddy's seasoning and Yoshida's
>wears pic related

It comes out alright

leave Veeky Forums you fucking retard

OP isn't even cooking burgers though, user...

>doesn't know how to make a patty that won't fall apart without "binders"
>flips his patty more than once
>EW IT'S NOT GREY IN THE MIDDLE YET!

>you have no idea how much this infuriates me
So decline the invitation.
Who the fuck goes to a party only to complain that the food isn't up to their standards?

Everything about this post is horrific.

I'm going to a vegan bbq tomorrow, what should I bring?

a gun

>I bring napkins usually. My family just always valued knowing how to cook on both my mother and fathers sides.

And then you came along to disappoint all of them.

GR8 B8 M8 I R8 8/8

Your image is out of date, those shoes are now favored by young, attractive women in their high-waisted acid wash jeans and costanza glasses

Today's uncool dads wear warby parker glasses and chuck taylors

why did i enlarge that image.fuck me.why was she not euthanised already.fuck this gay earth

>why was she not euthanised already
Probably some fundies got to the parents and emotionally abused them into keeping that thing

You sound like a nice person with a nice family but a lot of mental problems what's your issue bruv?

tofu

I got a girl pregnant in high school so I have to hang out with the parents of my son's friends who are 5-10 years older. We are having a big bbq at the park and I'm in charge of the main shit. A lot of people are going to cook stuff at home and bring it too. Sort of like a bbq potluck. I'm making ribs, chicken and burgers. Plus hot dogs because there are kinds who literally don't eat bbq chicken or burgers. What the fuck is their problem?

If you wanted actual advice - don't go to a bbq unless you know and approve of the one doing the cooking. My aunt was throwing a party last month and her cooking is retched. I bullshitted my way out of it and she managed to give people food poisoning.

maybe get friends whose company you enjoy so you don't have to cook with mommy lmao

I like cookouts because they're an opportunity to pile random stuff on a burger that's probably ok if the guy doing your grilling is even halfway competent.

Pic related. Cookout at a friend's house. I had three burgers and put different stuff on each. My favorite was when I put on a couple of the red pepper cream cheese pinwheels that they'd set out before as appetizers. Turns out red pepper cream cheese goes wonderfully in a burger. Who knew?

My family is too impatient to bbq. Whenever we have one its always the same shit: my mom is running around cause she wants to do everything at once (set plates, prep salad, grab this, grab that, wants knifes and so on), I tell her to wait just a minute cause I am busy in the kitchen and she's running around being angry at everyone. She then proceeds to cry cause she thinks that when someone tells her to please not not get in the way of those cooking that this means her authority in the house is being taken away and sometimes ends up screaming that she will not be send away in her own house even if you asked nicely it is merely the stress of having a "fun" bbq which is never perfect to her. Then my parents dump all the food on a bbq and finish cooking it in 20min. All the meat is then done, served, we eat for about 15 min and then everyone is finished and they want to clean shit up. I went to a birthday bbq and I was shocked that it is a lot different in reality and even joyful.

I wish that my Dad did those things.

He just looks at me in disappointment and pity most of the time.

Nice, me too, but I love big beers and big eats. You cute tho?

Respect your elders, kiddo.

If you don't understand why your mom made a fruit platter, you really haven't learned anything.

>binders in a hamburger
>thinks its a meatloaf

Now we got the kid posts out of the way...

Don't you dare insult New Balances

They're the official drift shoes of Initial D.

>people who get overly stressed about simple shit
Fuck is that one of my triggers.

My dad is a pretty competent BBQ expert when he takes the time, and I learned a lot from him. When he's having a get together and inviting people over, he really goes all out. Wakes up at 6am to get the smoker going. Starts making the sides. Everything is from scratch and we'll seasoned. The only time he really fucked up was when he bought a beef brisket that was too small and when he finally got to take a break to fix his own plate, it was all gone.

My dad's a much better cook than my mom, but he still has a few weird Midwestern habits. The worst he does is when he pours some cream of mushroom campbells soup into a casserole dish with some chicken breasts.

My dad and I did once make a homemade cream of mushroom soup because we found an absolute mother load of morels in the yard. It ended up being wayyyytoo rich to eat a whole bowl of. It should have been something you got like a spoonful of in a tasting menu at a michelin started restaurant.

My dad's a great cook when he puts in the time and effort into it, and he frequently finds the inspiration to try a new recipe where he takes a whole day to prepare everything. Plus by the time dinner is ready he's already 20 beers deep and you can't even tell.

Not everyone is a useless stoner freeloader like you

>not being a woman about everything and not acting streesed about everything makes you a stoner
found the roastie

I relate 100% to the guy.

My mother had nervous breakdowns at every dinner party for the most insane shit. Someone used the main course fork for the appetizer? Kitchen cry session - 'what are we gonna dooo?'. Dad made a wine stain on the table cloth? Garage yelling session.

Dinner parties weren't even the worst. When she goes on holiday she literally doesn't sleep 3 days in advance. Leaves the house 6 hours in advance even if the airport is only 30 mins away. Yelled at us if we wanted to pee before getting in the car because 'we're gonna be stuck in traffic, miss the flight and the fantastically fun holiday is gonna be ruuuuiiinnned'.

Really great woman overall, just can't have fun at preplanned occasions, too much stress.

Are you the same guy that makes this thread every holiday? fuck off man

>not even remotely American but nevertheless lower middle-class European family
Dad usually makes the burger meat and rolls the day earlier, same goes with chicken and lamb meat marinading at least 12h before our weekly sunday grill, mom makes some cold salad as a side-dish, all from the ingredients from our posh vegetable garden + aceto balsamico and a hit of olive oil,
I usually bring the autism and firewood and we hit it off with some local wine or shitty Coca Cola because my dad craves sugary drinks so we 'oblige the chef'
All in all 8/10, could be a bit better

pls don't cyber bully me

Hey I got a case of pabst for the 4th too

What's a smash burger? He jams it on the gril?

seriouseats.com/recipes/2014/03/ultra-smashed-cheeseburger-recipe-food-lab.html
pretty good desu if made properly

No he's not you cunt

Doesn't work on grills though.

>mom who undercooks everything and can't stand spicy food
>dad who is completely food illiterate and eats only kid food, ie, nothing can ever have vegetables
>alcoholic sister
>brother who tries to explain that his vape pen doesn't contain any drugs, its just a cotton candy flavor
>grandparents from the old country who only eat steaks well done
>retarded dogs who do retarded dog shit all day and ensure everyone's hands, the table, and all the food is contaminated with snot and fur

Best post

>everyone's either dead, disowned, divorced, or distant
Welp you're better off than I am. I'm spending the holiday shitposting and watching movies

Sounds comfy

we're having korean bbq because we're true americans. mom makes the best marinade though. I made a cheesecake and my sister will bring beer

it taste the same because he is eating it with sauces anyway

It is actually thanks. I've got tasty eats and leisure planned. I think it would bother me if it were like Christmas or thanksgiving, which I'm covered on for that.

>being invited to a cookout
hahaha thank goodness I never get invited to anything haha I can make whatever I want with my own company and never expect disappointment ha

help I'm so lonely

Kalbi or bulgogi? Are you doing some of the korean sides too? Beats the hell out of the typical american burgers and hotdogs with mayonaise and sugar laden sides.

Same. But for some unknown reason my boss wants to have an on site team meeting on the 4th of July, so I have to do that for an hour, then come home and drink myself into oblivion to ease this fucking throbbing gout pain in my foot

Your boss is a dickweed. What a cock.

Middle-class America, the post.

I'm glad my dad actually knows how to cook barbecue

The only downside is he has no idea how to grill chicken or hamburgers. His hamburgers sometimes come out great actually, but usually they just come out burnt, and his chicken is always dry .

But his barbecue like ribs or pulled pork is always great.
But at least I'm not pulled into a family barbecue where there's "meat experts" around who have absolutely no idea how to cook.

>to ease this fucking throbbing gout pain in my foot
Diddums. Did someone make you walk more than 5 feet at a time? Did your soft feet blister and get calloused?

galbi all the way. got some lump charcoal to do it right today. we keep it simple with lettuce and perilla leaf for wrapping, and scallion/spring mix sesame salad and ssamjang. and doenjjanjigae naturally

s'gonna be gud

Sounds like you're the not fun sibling.

Do you even know what gout is?

Don't insult the dogs

I think you're confused, kiddo

The women in my family are all like this. Mother and grandmother get so stressed over basic shit every single holiday, birthday, etc.

Have to stand there for 30 minutes while they fuck with the right tablecloth and matching napkins that no one gives a fuck about every single year

Not him, but I was under the impression that alcohol will aggravate the gout by increasing the uric acid in the body. Am I wrong about that?

Sounds great! I love the flavor of the perilla leaves with kalbi.

Think you've got it bad? It's the middle of winter here in Australia and I am fucking glad. No BBQs

>Meat expert uncle
>Shitty potato aunt with a shitty coleslaw with fucking apples in it
>Fruit platter of only apples, bananas and oranges
>All cousins are shit
>Me old man is cooking the only bbq classics; plain 'australian style' sausages which taste worse than hotdogs

Uncle = alcoholic sausage burner/95 burgers? We don't do that at all. Poorly cooked expensive and wasted lamb burned to death (for adults) and 'bbq' steak which is low quality thinly cut rump cooked until dry. Expensive bbq grills of course, because everyone needs a 8 burner for their sausages. Sausage goes on sunnycrust supermarket bread, smother with either hienz tomato or bbq sauce and some burnt onions. Think potato rolls are dull??!

I am so so so triggered. My shitty fucking country actually considers bbq a cultural thing here. FFS they say 'shrimp on a barbie' and NO AUSSIE EVER CALLS PRAWN SHRIMP. Do they mean shrivelled and burnt 20cent sausages?

TL;DR stop bithing you yank cunt, there is no worse experience than a typical aussie bbq.

I can cook but I don't really make outdoor/cookout foods

You could sous vide the chicken and then give a sear on the grill. But boiling it straight is probably shit.

>Today's uncool dads wear warby parker glasses and chuck taylors

FUCK YOU

real meat wrapped inside vegan fake meat package

>sous vide and boiling aren't the same
>sous vide and 250 F in the oven aren't the same thing
I hope people don't really fall for this crap.

hes right though

I hate the 4th of July, it's my least favorite holiday, it's just too overly patriotic for me. Patriotism has always made me a bit nauseated. I agree with Oscar Wilde that patriotism is a virtue of the vicious.

I also don't like it but it's because it makes me really anxious about driving, just like similar holidays, because I know a bunch of drunk people are driving around.

I stay at home the entire day.

Just me, my wife and a few old friends this afternoon. Going to grill up some ribeyes and chicken leg quarters, hang out and drink a few beers, and catch up. Been looking forward to it quite a bit.

I'm not patriotic by any means. I just like excuses to break out the Weber.

My sister disowned me for talking shit about how "humble" her lake house was, and how it was inconvenient for her to invite the whole family to her "shithole in the middle of nowhere". I also told her that her cooking skills were disappointing because she just makes boxed and canned foods. When I used to go I would always bring a ton of precooked Cajun delights like red beans or gumbo. One time I brought preformed burger patties and home made buns, which her husband ruined on his green egg knockoff. I no longer get invited to family meet UPS because of my bad attitude. But after I got uninvited, she uninvited my parents too because they agreed with me and told her I was just being honest. I figure a year or two from now they'll have no one left that is willing to be polite about how inconvenient the location and food Is. 3 hours from Atlanta, 45 minutes to closest grocery store. (lake front property for 20k per acre sort of thing). No one wants to bother with that shit. Her and her husband only ever care about the cost of things, so long as its a deal they'll go for it. No matter how poor quality or inconvenient it is.

The crazy thing is that 75% of the immediate family lives within 30 minutes of each other and we all have better houses than the lake house. All homes are 5 minutes from a grocery store and 10 to 15 minutes from shopping and entertainment options. So we could just grill in someone's back yard, and all sleep in our own beds, or we can drive 3 hours to the middle of nowhere, have to sleep in a shit shack, and then drive 3 hours home. My sister refuses to have people over to her convenient house. To justify the shit hole in the middle of nowhere, all parties are thrown over there and if we want to see her or the rest of the family we all have to endure the inconvenience of "the lake house".

I've started hosting all major holidays at my house, but she never shows because "she doesn't want her children exposed to my bad attitude"

Either your family sucks or you're an autistic killjoy faggot. Considering where we are, I'm pretty certain it has to be the latter.

Continued. (sorry for blog posting)

I decided to take the 4th off and go to the beach this year. Everyone followed us down to Florida hotels at the same beach, except for my sister. "why go to a hotel on the ocean when we can go to the lake house user?" Its code for "we are having to deal with a mortgage on a shit shack in the middle of nowhere and have to justify it by spending time there, also the mortgage eats all our cash we could be spending on actual vacations". So... They also play nothing but country music even tho they know the whole family would be happier with classic rock or top 40s.

Op, I get it. Obliging family on the holidays, especially because of food and location is THE WORST. If you dont like it, speak up - but be more diplomatic than I was. And if you don't like the food, make a dish or help out and make it better.

I hear you. Its a bit of both tho I like to think I made her lake house bearable by bringing good food and making the gay cousin feel more welcome by talking to him and not ostracizing him like the rest of the (very religious) family.

Honestly, there is a whole religion and trump presidency story as well that plays into the divisions of the family, which my sister made worse by forcing people to live together in the middle of nowhere as well as just talking total fanboi shit as the matriarch property owner that invited everyone as guests, but I don't want to turn this thread into a " hick ass redneck bitch offends and divides family with celebratory christmas cross burning at her lake house" thread. I'm sort of worried the bitch has a tumor pressing on her brain stem.

> 95/5 lean ground beef
Triggered. My parents only ever bought this when I was growing up, so I always thought homemade burgers are shit no matter what. I always preferred fast food burgers until I moved out and tried making my own with less-lean ground beef.

My god, someone put that thing down already

Sucks to be you guys. Gonna go to my mom's house in like an hour to make burgers, fries, and slaw. I get to cook everything, so it's gonna be good. Not sure what to make for my cat's dinner, I'm thinking of just opening up a can of tuna and dumping it into a bowl. Maybe since it's a holiday, I'll add a bit of mayo to the tuna, he loves mayo, but hasn't ever been allowed to eat it unless I drop some on the floor.

kys faggot

My dad got some chuck's a few months ago and I thought it was pretty cool of him to do so... He's 65 and I assure you the reason he got them was not to impress people. He wore them as a teen and likes them

So yeah, fuck you man