Hey, Veeky Forums. I just wrote a short story and was wondering if you'd be interested in reading it

Though reading it gives me the feeling that you've written this piece satirically, I'll do my best to give you an honest feedback (Welcome to New Sincerity):

1. Too many adverbs, m89, and sometimes they don't make sense. Look at your first paragraph. "Solemnly bookish". Solemnness has the quality of depth and formality, which you could certainly connect to certain aspects of a "bookish" personality, but the adverb "solemnly" adds absolutely *nothing* to the adjective that already describes somebody who studies and reads and so on (sniff). I would go through your prose and really reevaluate each adverb, first for meaning in the context of what it is modifying, and secondly to see if you could perhaps replace it with something more evocative (Middle school adage: Show, don't tell). For example, instead of "meticulously browsed the bookshelves," which already sounds either vague or redundant, I can't quite tell, but you might consider something like "ran his fingers along the spine of each book, giving a gentle sigh at each few he passed as he admired their perfect alphabetization." Obviously this needs some polish and a style-job that only you can accomplish, but you get the idea.

2. A lot of the plot seems to be completely disconnected from the way you describe it. One of the striking examples was Betsy the waitress. Supposedly a "veteran of the service industry," yet she either forgets to replace the menus at the table or neglects to ask David if he wants one. Recall, also, that diners typically have menus in some sort of holder (with the ketchup and mustard and so on) at the back of the table if its a booth, or the middle if its a standalone.

3. Contextually, there are some errors that you need to look over. You make it clear that this story takes place in the South, and yet the high school David and abigail attended is supposedly called "Manchester high"? Manchester is a British city, and you'd most likely find something named after it in the Northeastern part of the US. Oregon hill presents a similar problem. Most institutions in the south are longstanding, and wouldn't have a name of a later-added state (or really even a non-southern state at all).

4. Dialogue needs some work. Really think about the characters and how they would speak. Read your lines aloud. Some characters seem to try to declaim Milton at points, only to stumble into white trash mode the next line.

5. Character. David is the worst offender. He's bookish and insecure? Or is he smooth and knowledgeable? What are his motivations? For a guy who claims to be NEET, he can put words together. This is unusual even for NEETs that read. I read and write a ton, but if you put me in front of anybody, especially a pretty girl, and I rarely say anything worth remembering.

Overall, a good effort. You've got what, a dozen paragraphs here? That's more than most people write on their own time over the entire lives. Keep practicing, and keep reading.

again, brief sixth point

6. Plot: What is the purpose of this story? Is it the kindling of a once-unrequited romance? Is it a loner trying desperately to connect with a socialite?

It seems as though the plot MAINLY revolves around his encounter with Abigail. This encounter seems vaguely related to David's bookishness (as you refer to so often). What are you trying to say with this contrast (The bookstore v the quasi-date)?

What's the point of the cat? The Jews? Ayn Rand? If you can't justify putting them in, then you can't really justify *not* putting every other useless plot filler you can come up with. The short story is an art, and, importantly, it's SHORT. Your story certainly is short, but it could be made even shorter by cutting out the fat.

The piece really feels like a work of wish-fulfillment. Are you a bookish neet by any chance? Is there a Stacy who has a boyfriend who's an asshole and you don't get why she's dating him?

Really, it's fine if that's what you want to write about. But you really need to make it worth a reader's time to read (and your own time to write. Though, as a neet, that is pretty easily justified). Delve into contradictions, paint the contrasts in nuanced colors. Keep your characters honest to their nature. Let the story have a POINT, or at least something interesting for a reader to chew on.

I hope my comments have been helpful.

Thanks, friend. I genuinely appreciate your feedback.

1) I'll work on cutting out the verbosity.

3) I actually lived in Richmond for some years, so naturally I used the names of actual places in my story, except for the Manchester part, which is part of the city, not an actual high school .

4) Of all the pieces I've written, this one was one of the first to significantly incorporate dialogue. I do agree that I need to work on this. Thanks for pointing this out, friend.

5) My character development needs improvement, so I'll work on that too. It hadn't even crossed my mind.

6) Well, my inspiration came from the book of Kings 1 in the Bible, regarding David and his encounter with Abigail and Nabal. I decided to base my story off the aforementioned biblical story, hence the names. I tried to make a plot to suit the predetermined characters than to make a story from scratch, with original characters and whatnot. I suppose I should refrain from doing that.

Like I already said, I appreciate the feedback. I was hoping to see more posts like this one.

hey just wanted to say regardless of the quality of your work congrats on trying and having the confidence to share

That's the only way to improve, right?

>5. Character. David is the worst offender. He's bookish and insecure? Or is he smooth and knowledgeable? What are his motivations? For a guy who claims to be NEET, he can put words together. This is unusual even for NEETs that read. I read and write a ton, but if you put me in front of anybody, especially a pretty girl, and I rarely say anything worth remembering.
This entire complaint is off the mark. The rest of your criticism is just as silly. It makes me sick to watch you people who criticize the same way, it's as if there's some formula you were told to follow. And then you bring in your meager experience as a handbook.
There's nothing useful in any of your comments, except "really think about the characters and how they would speak. Read your lines aloud." Even in that same point you reveal your myopic senses. You act as though people are entirely consistent.

I wrote a short story about magic pimps for school. Anyone interested?

I'll take you seriously if you provide a better criticism of his short story, or if you really contribute anything besides simply calling me myopic and off the mark.

Actually, I'll throw you a bone anyway.
Characters have characteristics by definition. They only change if circumstances force them to, which is the central plot to a great many stories. This is not to say that writers need to stick with archetypes and cliches, but when the author claims a character is one way, and then narrates him being another way that stands in contradiction, that change needs to be explained, or else, ironed out.

In the same way, descriptors like "bookish" carry heavy connotations to a reader, along with the character's admission that he lives with his parents. If the bookworm is somehow outgoing and flirtatious enough to get a (taken) girl's number, this tension needs to be explained in the prose. Alternatively, it needs to be painted into his character from much earlier on.

People generally are consistent. We follow certain patterns on a regular basis. We are allowed, of course, to break those patterns, but just as you would describe your friend as "acting weird" on occasion when he breaks from your expectations of him, characters in novels can act weird. Without explanation, this leaves a sense of disbelief or tension within the reader.

I'm not going to read it.

Thanks for the bump.

Shameless bump.