Op from yesterday. wanted to get some more off my chest. this is from a couple years earlier

op from yesterday. wanted to get some more off my chest. this is from a couple years earlier

> be me

> molested abused by stepfather

> reading is my escape

> rent bram stokers dracula from library

> stepdad bangs my head against the wall for bringing evil books in HIS house

> mom watches and does nothing

> upset at night and reading a different book to escape

> stepdad comes in the room

> i pray the whole time but god never answered me once

> in third grade in ohio and it's like they can sniff me out. constantly bullied. on black top and get a basketball slammed in my nose. I can still feel the numb tingling sensation and my hot tears. I jump on kid and start biting him

> we both go to office. principal very angry and yelling loudly at me. looking back he was very old and the amount he was yelling at a third grader is uncalled for. I block him out because I can only think about what happens when my parents hear about this.

> suspended two weeks. stepdad asks if I won the fight. I don't know what he wants me to say. I say no. that was the wrong answer. grabs me by the hair and jerks head around until he is holding clumps. closed fisted strikes to my back. none to face so people can't see bruises.

> my mom just watches

> get sent to room. my room is a basement and pretty comfy. I open a book and start reading. abridged moby dick. I didn't even know what abridged was at the time. I'm advanced at reading at the time and this makes me proud in class. reading is the only thing I ever get good grades in.

Did you kill him, and why not?

and why exactly do you think this belongs to lit? go see a therapist and work out your trauma. works wonders. i'll guarantee it

I thought about it for many years. My mom divorced him when I was 13. He was shortly thereafter placed in an Psychiatric hospital. He received shock treatment and what not. He heard voices and thought I was the antichrist. Luckily my next stepfather was nicer, though I could never get close with him. The crazy one is a shell of himself now. He attempted vehicular suicide at one point and now has a lot of bolts in his bones. His brain is pretty fried from medication. I saw him for the first time since I was 13 about a year ago. He just kind of shambles around, smokes, and mutters. the pleasure in it would be nill because he's not very lucid.

>go see a therapist and work out your trauma. works wonders. i'll guarantee it


I can only afford trash ones. local ones that try to make money off pills. They had me taking four different ones and I ended up feeling way worse than before. I was in a stupor for 6 months from the pills. They said I have borderline personality disorder on my very first visit.

wah god didnt help me because i chose to read books instead of do anything im such a victim

I don't have any anger towards god if there is one. I consider myself agnostic. I think I just learned that if there is a god he's pretty indifferent towards us and I can understand that.

>Agnostic
That's anger towards God
>indifferent
This is also anger.

Fuck off, Letzter Mensch. God helps the helpless, and you were not helpless.

>That's anger towards God

Can you expand on that user?

Rejection is anger. it is an inherently resentful stance.

That rests on presupposing the existence of God. though.

how can I reject someone when I'm unsure if they exist?

You're white aren't you Op

No, even rejecting confessional arguments, something omnipotent must exist.

yes

>cosplaying a Christian
>mocking child abuse victim
We're hitting edginess levels never thought possible. Please come back when you're over 18.

Elaborate, please. Also, could something omnipotent make a burrito so hot even he couldn't eat it?

i wish i had everything figured out like you do.

I'm 29. Stop being a living shitpost.
I already have, go read something.

That sounds more like something you've personally experienced than a general fact about the world. Rejection can come from anger, disgust, indifference, or even good will. In the latter instance I'm speaking of the Nietzschean rejection: that a good friend knows when to let his friend in from the cold and when to leave him out. You clearly haven't read your Bible if you think God always helps the weak in any straightforward way. Check out Job.

i'm the user who suggested therapy.
i had a very similar childhood. therapy isn't necessary. it helped me to know i'm not entirely alone and that there's atleast someone that will check in on me regularly. also, i went trough 5 different ssri's till i found one that was acceptable. took it for a year, then slowly sneaked it out. imm now free of any medication since 2 years. i'm fucking glad i took them. they really helped me get out of the hole i was in for years. it was like a temporary boost to get your shit together so you have a good base etablished to get off of them again. i found a pb i lovw during that time and started a very supportive relationship. both aspects that help me keep going if i hit a low now.
the speech therapy itself was mediocre in terms of helpfullnes. they won't "cure" you or do the internal work for you. they basically just ask you stuff to provoke insight. it happened more than once (in the beginning), that she asked about stuff i thought doesn't bother me in the slightest and surprisingly found myself crying over them. thw real benefit of therapy comes when the session is over, you go home and think about what she asked and what you answered. maybe she will give a few practical pointers from time to time, but she's not your coach.

if you can, find someone to talk to outside of therapy. maybe a sibling? i have a sister i'm very close with and we frequently had rants about our childhood. it felt very cleansing to just air it out. what also helped immensely was reapproaching my parents. trying to understand what led to their behaviour and finally, stop letting go of the grudges i held against them. i know that sounds like the last thing you will ever do, but you won't find peace untill you do exactly that.

I never said 'straightforward'. You're reading too much into what I've said.

>being this retarded at 29
>having the gall to give advice
kys yourself already familia

well take solace

if you were black you probably would've been a criminal by now

wow epin im about two repost this on /r/4chans

Good. Fuck off and stay there. It's where you and likewise mentally deficient belong.

the only thing that has ever really helped me is diet, exercise, reading, and the early years with my wife. now we're at a stage where communication can be hard. i took mushrooms once and that changed something in me positively for like 5 months.

I have a hard time holding jobs as well. sometimes for reasons i can never explain I just stop showing up. I can't call or anything.

I write but it's poetry and no one cares about poetry lol

I got my criminal stuff out of me as a teenager. Lots of fights, stealing, and breaking things. Luckily I got married and it mellowed me as far as that stuff goes.

>afford
I've never had to pay for therapy before. Medicare should take care of that.

Also, this doesn't belong here. Please stop posting unless you want to discuss specific literature.

medicare sends me to awful therapists and psychiatrists in the bad part of the city.

a big part of my discussion is how literature is maybe the only thing that kept me going.

Jonah, Moses, Thomas, these all had to doubt to come to Him. OP was genuinely helpless if what he says is true (we all are, without God). The fact that God didn't do anything straightforward clearly led you to the false conclusion that OP was not genuinely helpless. You think to assume knowledge of God's ways and it made you respond in malice.

sure, those things are nice. but the thing with therapy is that it has a placebo effect. the mere fact that you take the effort of going to therapy every week (and pay for it) makes you feel like you're actively working on it. which is very uplifting. atleast it was to me.

i know that social stuff like keeping up with friends, having a relationship or keeping a job can feel extremely demanding. i don't know how you coped with the abuse as a kid, but my method was the classic wall building. i just shut myself in, kept everyone at a "comfortable" distance. basically, i became merely functional. to this day, i'm rather unemotional. which is a real problem, especially when you have a hard time showing someone you care. i hardly can bring myself to give a fuck about others. not because i lack sympathy, but because all their suffering seems so whiny. all i want to do is tell them to stop being a faggot and pull themself together. i think that's the problem when you had traumatic experiences. everyday issues ((sheltered)) people care about are peanuts for you. you can't bring yourself to pretend you am actually shocked about what their boss said to them or whatever.
what i find even more damaging than the physical abuse was the fucked up stuff you had to do. for example, i was mever allowed to voice my own opinion or stand up/in for myself. that still haunts me today. i have a fucking hard time telling people when they cross my boundaries. firstly, bevause my boundaries are pravtically non-existent and secondly, because i never learned that i can say if i donmt want/like something. all i learned was to shut the hell up, keep your head down, try to exist without generating attention. never talk back, always say what the person you talk to wants to hear, never be honest about your emotions, keep your true self a secret, and so on. that all made terrible sense once. it was my strategy to not get mashed to pulp. but as an adult trying to be functional, those are real fucking huge obstacles.

*Unsubscribes from your blog*

Technically, this would belong in But I wouldn't take advice from here or anywhere online. Speak with someone in real life.

And how do you know they're bad therapists? Go talk to your doctor specifically, and ask your doctor about therapists. Your doctor should be able to help you. Additionally, you could go to a local church and speak to the priest there, and they'll be able to help you. If you're agnostic and don't want to hear about God, you can tell them, but they'll understand and still help you. They church might even help with finances.