Rate my opening line

OMG, how did she respond? I'm on the edge of my edge

Sorry I'm 2deep4u pleb.

Next line: He walked away from the bathroom mirror.

All these people are criticizing the same thing. I like it op, it's nice you're not writing a Victorian novel. These people are confusing fiction with textbooks. This thread is why this board is so woeful in discussion of poetry. It's like I stumbled on fucking Veeky Forums

Are you old enough to drink alcohol yet? If so, start now.

kill yourself tomorrow desu

Kind of edgy, but I like it still. The first one is best.

Both are bad. The grammar doesn't make sense either. If you want to highlight the contradictory nature of what you're saying it would be best to structure your two lines in separate sentences. Furthermore, what you're saying is entirely obvious. I could dig the emotion you're trying to convey but it's so spelled out - why not have a sucidal circle around the topic (witout expressing it) while trying to bring up the nerve to talk to the character in person? Something nice and direct with a steady scene and sense of suspension.

Also, this is a terrible attitude towards criticism.

>Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her, "I'm going to kill myself tomorrow."

The scene I get from this is of a man preparing to a goodbye to the woman he loves in light of his suicide. The fact I can get this from it without it being explicitly said is good thing. However, it's rather silly considering that if the first part is to be taken as stream of consciousness and the second part as dialogue, then it actuallly makes no sense and not in the artistic way. If he's planning a goodbye then he's already decided to commit suicide; why would he mention at this point, what's the justification for it? It's redundant and it's easy to tell that he's only saying it for exposition. It's classic style over substance. I like it, but it's vacuous.

Not OP but you're sticking your nose in somewhere that it doesn't have any business in. The grammar is fine, and you're telling him how to write his own story. You don't actually know the scene either so whatever you think is "spelled out" isn't.

>I like it, but it's vacuous.
no shit, it's a sentence with NO context lmao

I gave you my explanation, user. I told you what I got from it. It's vacuous even if you gave it context by what I told you. Either accept criticism and start a dialogue or don't write.

why wait until tomorrow faggot

not OP, just having a laugh at the imaginary criticism in this thread.

It's not imaginary, user. There's no line that can follow that one that would make this a good line. It literally has the character talk JUST for exposition. It's blantant and cheap. There's no reason for the character to say that apart from establishing context. The writer doesit for style points. How do you disagree?

You're very narrow-minded.

You never talk to yourself in the mirror?

Not really, user. I'm just giving you an opinion and you don't like it. This is an invitation for you offer an opposing opinion. I even asked you for it. This line isn't bad in and of itself. It's bad for an openning line. If you want to have two trains of thought coincide, you would have to establish them previously. You need a precedent for him to say "i'm going to kill myself tomorrow" that isn't cheap exposition. And you need a context for why both trains of thoughts are haplening simultaneously which can't possibly be satisfied as the openning line of a story. Hell, OP even said that the following line is "He walked away from the bathroom mirror". What reason then would he had had to say "im going to kill myself tomorrow"? to himself in the bathroom. It's all style, no substance.

Yes, I have, but not while im explicitly thinking of something else. Why isn't he saying "Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her." into the mirror instead? Why would he be thinking about that in the form of dialogue yet say something else. It's a non-sequitur. Usually, when you talk to yourself in the mirror you don't have two conversations at the same time.

Your gonna have to read and find out! Have I piqued your interest?

Also in writing this book with female readers in mind and I'm trying to grab them asap. The man is not the main character. The woman is.

No. the most interesting part of your post was "Rate my openning line". Why ask for criticism if you're not going to participate?

shit/10

Please rate mine desu
>Imagine a monster. It can be whatever horrific entity that instantly comes into your mind; be it tentacled lovecraftian horror, murderous gremlin or even a particularly vehement idea.

Absolute garbage kys.

...

Is it better to open a book off with a statement or a question?

>a man asks for criticism
>he's given criticism

This is reddit levels of hugboxing.

>people who don't open their writing with a dialogue tag or an event
But the grammar isn't fine, if you're going to use a speech tag you should include speaker or leave it as a separate sentence.

Why didn't you SAY so? That makes it brilliant. Add in something about abs and you're golden.

Statement. Even of the work is ultimately delivering a lack of certainty, this is only satisfying if the narrative actually begins with confidence, and then undoes itself in a panicky, drawn out fuddle.

Go with "OR"

holy.... I want more

is Kirsten the most gorgeous actress?

In the virgin suicides yes