Post the first line of your new novel lit

this is actually decent desu. reminds me of IJ

lol

Twas the night before yesterday.

I'm going to kill the desufag.

What do you mean by 'IJ'? Are you being facetious about my writing being decent? I am trying to improve my writing each day.

It's obvious that the corporate executive exclaimed, because you previously used an exclamation point with his dialogue.

:)

>missing the point

This is what happens when education just mills robots.

What was your point?

Not having seen the whole scene, I would still hazard to guess that the peers snickered at or after the exclamation

Sure, but that's a separate claim to what I said.

Not a novel but a short story:

Kiri was a good-natured girl of eighteen—born to a Japanese mother and a conventionally Australian father—who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable.

Can you post the first paragraph? You're telling a lot here. I wonder if you go on to show, rather than tell, beyond this opening sentence.

My office had four walls.

>Kiri was a good-natured girl of eighteen—born to a Japanese mother and a conventionally Australian father—who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable.
I'd drop this.

A spear penetrated Noah's ear. He collapsed to the ground and drowned in a pool of his own blood.

Why? What's wrong with it?

I would but the piece is a fucking clutter right now, I don't tend to write in a linear fashion when I write shorts.

I went with these opening lines however because the story follows her getting her portrait drawn in charcoal. The plot itself is the dichotomy of the artist and the subject (her), but the facial features are important.

Will work on opening para now though and post if we don't 404.

Dissolved, broken apart, time and time again proven to be weak against a golden, aqueous solution; magnesium happily allowed this, and ceased to exist as itself, but rather a part of something else. Magnesium is humble, and we are golden.

>who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable.
This point should be a new sentance, or preferably worked in else where. It sounds like her father has a simple and unique face.

learn2 m dash

Nearly everything. Firstly, it feels like I've read it an actual million times.
Find better ways to drop her lineage if it matters. I don't want you to tell me she's good-natured, especially with your tone. Your simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable line just makes me shake my head. You've heard it so many times you think it's worth describing this way.
There's nothing there, user.

Just for clarity, that question wasn't OP

Anyways - this just happens to be the first thing I had written for this piece, as of yet not even a first draft. In saying that, it's pretty important that my opening lines signify not only her parents ethnicity, but also *something* about her facial in general.

Any suggestions on how to do this better? To be honest long form fiction is where I'm most experienced and I find short form much, much harder.

Outside the central heated office building, bloated clouds had swallowed the afternoon. They gushed rain against the polished windows, and made the headlights of packed Hyundai's on the street below appear grey. A man jousted his umbrella this way and that, hair wet against his forehead, his briefcase rattling in his free hand. Up in the offices, his frenzy appeared more like a strange, inaudible rain dance. But in the office, where the soil in plant pots had become arid powder, one employee snored with his tie loose around his collar, wet from perspiration. Another chugged water bottles one after the other.

>Here's the first paragraph of my short story. It's the first draft.

Think you missed the point. And the line above it.
WORDPLAY

That nigger came up to me and I came into him with my dick.

You move fast.

"Hot damn! is it that time again?" Terry McFishburger pulled the mouthpiece of a trumpet out from his tight anus and fixed it to the rest of the trumpet that was sitting on his bedside table. "TOOT TOOT!" was the noise the trumpet made, McFishburger blowing hard into the instrument. It was midnight, also known as 'the witching hour', and every night at midnight Terry McFishburger pulled the mouthpiece of a trumpet out of his tight anus and attached it to the rest of a trumpet and played the damn thing until his lips were chapped. It's little rituals like these that keep a man sane, Terry's father had told him on his deathbed, his own lips pressed to his own shit-covered mouthpiece.

>inb4 It was a dark and stormy night

You're a meme now.

What?
This is incorrect
Psychopaths are NOT "humans underneath". Psychopaths lack all "humanity" -compassion, fear of consequences, empathy, consideration of others as "human" instead of objects...
And people fear more the psychopath than the "rippers and stranglers" -THOSE are "human underneath".

short story, first paragraph.

We visited the old mill just once together, on a whim of Joanna’s, who had thought after the divorce that it would be best to get out and clear our heads for a while. This had not been her first try at a distraction, though it did show itself to be the most transparent. Of course she hadn’t believed it. She was fifteen, and not so naive. But I was young enough then—I was only eleven—I could not yet see through her so easily.

There was only one crash left, two if you counted God

Why? I don't understand what you meant.

Not too bad.

:)

It's not that I don't trust Tinkers, it's just that I know that those devious little shits are up to something.

I remember, back when I was still legally married, how happy I was. Everyday, after work, when I opened the door, joy instantly jolted through me as I saw my wife, James Joyce, preparing dinner.

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

Ivan realized, with a sort of laugh, that every joke he had recently heard had been told by himself, to himself, and at his own expense.

"What the fuck does desu even mean, you fat fuck!?" Screamed Herbert, as he waved a pistol in my face.

CKek
Cock
Cuck

Tinkers?

wtf is a tinker?

why do you think i hate the gauchian distribution and a certain "pepper"?

Not bad

Not bad

Well, with the explanation it doesn't sound that terrible anymore. so yeah, i also suggest that you post the first paragraph

nah

Not bad but not so good either

lol, sure u trolling but is not bad actually :)

Not bad but sounds like an anime
.
kek'd hard

"It was the tenth day that he woke up a centimeter taller."

Hmmmmmmmhhhh

Inspiring

"Tinkers" are Irish itinerants. I'm writing a story about tensions between Tinkers and the inhabitants of a town in the West of Ireland.

This one sounds familiar, have you posted it before or is it just a meme felllow user?

See the boy who stands in dust. See him as he pulls and coughs with his arm on his eyes and sweat trickling. His eyes move many ways and he cannot keep his teeth together. Feel the guilt on his shoulders, though he has yet seen nothing, feel the guilt he yearns to place upon his shoulders. He is thirsty. Grit cakes his tongue.

Just wrote it. Too many references?
It's a meme.

The opening paragraph to a novella I'm writing about Chernobyl.

"A low rumble breaks the night’s silence. On the city’s horizon shines a glass torch, the poisoned smoke rising upwards, and from the flame comes a spectrum of prodigious colour; a sickening rainbow spreading through the evening skies. A middle-aged labourer, unable to sleep, leans out his window to see what he heard. He sees clearly the magnitude of this tremor, watching as specs of hot-red rock drop from the light. He’s mesmerised by its beauty; the shimmering hues that dance over the city and sing to his eyes."

Pretty neat
7/10

Simon Clemens, the bitter one, the pathetic one, was a man of choice but not action.

Im a Demon, Sent from the wastlands of the Glowing Sea, where we were cast out, and through disaster and devostation, we lost our innocense. It is in that moment, that feeling, the feeling of powerlessness. It is in that feeling where good men, turn cruel. I on the other hand, know this feeling, and will do everything in my power, to make sure no man must bere that feeling, alone.

>tfw I try to start everything I write with CRASH or enemys
>tfw cant post in this thread

I like this, but I feel like it's a little too blatantly oxymoronic. Unless the speaker is doing that on purpose to be funny, in which case it works great. Otherwise, you should work a little harder to make it sound like the speaker doesnt understand his own hypocrisy

I whipped my big flopping cock out and planted it harshly on her forehead.

*SLAP!*

"Ouch Donald, that hurts a lot!" Hillary Clinton said as I clasped the base of my orange python and smeared her winkled and papery face with my ¡Jeb!

"WRONG" I shouted, before thrusting into her loser mouth.

Dead trees, Godless skies and a man with no eyes. Rose smoked her third cigarette of the hour - her thirtieth of the day - in the once green but now grey and wilted park.

>"WRONG" I shouted, before thrusting into her loser mouth.

I’d spent the night sipping on that wild nectar only the Golden Gai serves up - crystals of amber, holding them up against the sultry light to test their lustre.

In the rain, the empty chapel was crammed with ten thousand phantoms.

>Rose smoked
Oh cool this is going to be an interesting floral image
>her third cigarette
oh

The penis laid across the mans forehead was a symbolic cock penis cock wingala dingaloopy

Why were an 11 and 15 year old married? And why are they hanging out at the mill after they got divorced?

Makes no sense, complete garbage.

I don't think he made it sound like they were married at all. Of course, he could eliminate any confusion by saying "my parents' divorce".

>thirtieth of the day
Ughh

The wheels of history turn like a rusty gate in synchronously oiled with the cries of those vanquished ringing out a cacophony of sorrow and self loathing.

lol

god tier
keep it up

(The protagonist is supposed to come off as edgy.)

I awoke to the scent and sting of chemical cleaners again. After my morning coughing fit, during which I struggled to take a drink from the tepid water on my nightstand, I took a shaky step out of bed. Sharp ache, from my head to my hips. Was I dying? Two fingers along my carotid put my hopes to rest.

The black girls on the bus were being loud again, but fortunately weeks of practice had given me the ability to silence them with a single look - a dead-eyed stare, an eerie smile and a perfectly calculated twitch of my left eye.

Infinite Jest is a novel by David Foster Wallace. The book is a very long meme on this board. Some people love it unironically, some ironically, some people hate it unironically, some ironically.

You can do better. Perhaps wear a leather jacket when you write

First line, not paragraph.
And unless you have a low wordcount, I'd hold off on the bluntness displayed in the 2nd and 4th/5th sentences.
The 2nd is the main offender: you're stuffing too many actions into too little time, and it botches the hazy mood you'd expect from someone sickly slowly waking up.
The fragmented nature of the third line is good, but its curtness is lost when all the other sentences are so similarly short. Were it between more languorous ones, it could represent the acuity of the pain (and the sharpness of the coughs) better.
The protag does come off as edgy, but maybe a little too edgy to take seriously. More subtlety or more tone-building before you drop something like "put my hopes to rest" would do you some good. I can see an angry 15-year old digging this as is, but who're you writing for?

No offense meant in any of this, by the way. Tonally, I'm reminded of some of my highschool writing, but this is certainly syntactically and lexically more interesting.

Tone down that McCarthy voice you're speaking through, but maintain the density of description you have going on. Keep every sentence meaning something, the way they do now.

At some point in the future, Agostina Maneilia Penbloc might look back on what is about to happen and recall that the day of itself wasn’t to be as remarkable as what will happen in it; when the beginning, the present and the end will be forced into the same immediacy, reaching a mass as critical as that of a collapsing star, a nearness felt by all like walls closing in. The apocalypse, or something just as bad, is about to come down out of nowhere.

All I heard was 'bazinga!', and then something went up my ass.

>not understanding basic copy editing
why are there so many semi-literate people on here?

starting out by describing the weather is always a bad choice. you might as well say "it was a dark and stormy night"

this should be the entire wikipedia article for the book

don't use adverbs. find a different word besides forgettable, seeing as forgettable and remarkable mean the exact opposite thing. also describing your protag as boring doesn't make me want to know more. Also Kiri is a bad name, it sounds made up

dashes aren't part of the english language, there is no right way to use them.

>don't use adverbs
Don't post again.

it doesn't start with enemys u dunce!

intriguing. spear and ear rhyme so that sounds bad. also it is redundant to say the blood is his. but this is the only interesting line so far

bretty good

i like this

Mfw

you stupid monkey

pure autism

fallout 4/10