I want to poop so baaaaaaddd

a bullet

fuck off shitposter

you don't even need that many

Chug a cup of black coffee. Or boil some cabbage and sprinkle some lime juice, black pepper, and salt.

Don't be a fucking pussy!

>tfw drink a large black coffee in the morning and then unload a huge type 5

For me, it's raisin bran, the best pipe cleaning cereal

Drink pickle juice; your colon will thank you.

senna in vegetable tablets

step 1, eat a bunch of muhfuggin dates, chew more than you normally do
step 2, drink a fuggin dickload of water
step 3, go to sleep
step 4, wake up, have a cigarette and some coffee
step 5, enjoy your evacuation

taco bell

All Bran
Congratulations user! You are officially an adult the day you start needing this shit to get your own shit moving!

Eat a lot of gum.

Food grade oils:

Mineral oil
Flaxseed oil.

Hell, take a swig of olive oil.

It's not going to soften the stool, it'll lube the way.

A big bowl of cheesy rice

Brend aneil.

Try squatting. The problem with sitting toilets is that it normalized constipation. "civilized" countries have a higher rate of colon-rectal cancer than developing countries. Doctors don't want to cure chronic problems they just want to sell you a relief or surgery.

eat whole plant foods dummy, with lots of greens, cruciferous, and lettuce. They're yummy.

I squat. Works great. I will not live unassisted if I ever get too weak to squat poop.

>sitting toilets causes colon cancer
whew lads

POOP ULTRA!

2012 colorectal cancer for men
36 per 100,000(developed) vs 13 per 100,000(less developed)

possibly linked to prostate cancer as well
2012 prostate cancer stats
69.5 per 100k (developed) vs 14.5 per 100k (less)

It increases the risk.
Work on your reading comprehension, retard.

>What should I eat when I can't poop that's not some kind of medicine or nasty "health" food?
Fuck off
Your mind is diseased

People.

The only influential factor on people's asses within society is not the toilet.

If I were to blame rectal cancer on one single thing in the developed world it would be the diet. Food. The thing that starts constipation. The main subject of this board.

Metamucil. Or just buy generic psyllium fiber powder. Drink it before bed with a lot of water and you'll take a monster shit in the morning.

I'd blame lifestyle as well. People spend most of their time sitting down at work or in front of a computer/tv all day and when it's time to poop they're straining and grunting because sitting puts a kink in the colon with the puborectalis muscle. Squatting is natural there's nothing to be ashamed of. Try it and you'll realize you've been doing it wrong your whole life.

>fuck off shitposter
heh

I find that yawning helps me when I can't shit.

Russian Kvass. The live yeast will give you TREMENDOUS shits. Taste might be an issue though, it's basically sour fermented bread water.

This, or deep breathing.

Will do India

>read on /b/ that sitting on the backwords puts you in a more natural postion
>try it
>realize ive been doing it wrong my whole life
>tfw when no one wants to listen cause they think your just memeing
>tfw your just trying to help

black beans, vegetables, fruit (especially prunes), raisin bran, prune juice, etc. just don't go over 30g fiber per day

>puborectalis muscle

I think you mean the pyloric valve.

No it doesn't you fucking moron

Dose some food in olive oil or eat a bunch of pumpkin.

Eat some dried figs and take 400 mg of chelated magnesium (my favorite is magnesium taurate) at night before bed.

cosmoline spaghetti

Get you a jar of chili peppers. Eat you 10 of those bad boys.

food with fibre, and water. if you can't figure this outthen i don't see how this info is going to help

Sugar free gummy bears. Read the reviews on Amazon for some laughs.

Black coffee and a cigarette

What are some good foods for snacking on while you're trying to force out a really stubborn turd?

Use a poop stool

And how did you deduce sitting toilets had to be the culprit for the increased rate of colon cancer may I ask?

milk of magnesia

try squatting when you poop, the shit will just slip outta your ass. just make sure dont fall off and bang your head

The truth is that colon cancer, like other kinds of cancer, is a complex disease. The exact cause is not very clear. Yet, the underlying cause is stagnation of waste (fecal stagnation) in the colon.

What had protected the developing world from colon cancer is the natural cleanliness of the colon as a result of using the squatting position for waste evacuation.

By forcing users to sit instead of squat, the sitting toilet makes it physically impossible to evacuate waste effectively and causes fecal stagnation -- the primary cause of colon cancer and inflammatory bowel diseases.

I used to suffer from constipation and took fiber which helped but didn't solve the underlying issue. I discovered a youtube video years ago before squatty potty came about and every time I poop I feel completely empty afterwards. My whole life I was doing it wrong: shitting myself in diapers as a baby and then straining on the toilet as a kid. Doctors telling you they don't know the cause but take these meds for the rest of your life. Do I know that sitting toilet causes cancer? fuck no, but I do know that squatting feels good.

Add a fat source for maximum absorption of the magnesium, e.g. a teaspoon of butter.

Ever since using squat toilets in China, I lean completely forward when using Western style toilets. My chest is almost against my knees. I get the impression that it straightens the lower intestinal tract.

>puborectalis
That's the keyword I was looking for.

That was a very roundabout way of admitting you were full of shit, lad.

>Yet, the underlying cause is stagnation of waste (fecal stagnation) in the colon.
Yeah. Those 5 extra measly minutes spent on the toilet are the biggest factor contributing to stagnation, and not the shitty western diet of garbage processed foods and excessive animal products that makes people poop only once over several days. Sounds about right.

>"civilized" countries have a higher rate of colon-rectal cancer than developing countries
You have to live to the age when you can get the cancer bro

I haven't shit at my own house in over a year.
I only manage to go once a week, so when I do it's like unloading 5lb of peanut butter into the toilet.
My home toilet just can't handle that so I have to use the strong commercial toilets at Walmart.

pyloric valve is in the stomach

>full of shit
Not when I completely evacuate my bowels by squatting. Do you unwillingly pinch your shit off or can you make one complete coil? Why don't you try squatting the next time you poop? It takes some building up to or if you're too heavy you can use a step ladder or something (I don't think a squatty potty is worth 20 bucks when you can squat for free).

Celery. A whole pack of celery.

Take a shower head with a hose and place an anal friendly probe on the end of it. Use warm water to get your ass in order. Hopefully your toilet and shower are close enough.

Sushi. About half the time after I binge at Sushi Express, I get a bad case of the runs.

You don't understand opium addiction.

can't go wrong with any dried fruit. prunes are the best for the effect but if you can't stand the taste dried apricots work well too. eat a lot of them.

Do you know what happens with a dried colon? The shit you put in after it just backs up. Are you new at this?

Do what I do:

Drink a large black coffee in the morning, eat something fatty and carby for breakfast, add hot sauce/peppers to whatever your lunch is, and after work buy one of the spicy pickles in a pouch and make sure to drink the juice.

You WILL shit by the end of the day.

Drink Dr. Pooper

Drink a beer and have a smoke, you will shit after 5 minutes

Drink lots of water, have a large black coffee, eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables like oranges or carrots until you feel full. If all else fails make and drink a wickedly spicy soup broth.

Spicy Thai food

chug as much prune juice as you can

Chug one of these and call me in the afternoon

m8 i have the opposite problem

full blown diarrhea for 4 days now, already on ORS

should i kill myself?

Just stay hydrated

brother

nicotine and coffee.

i just took a huge dump with the help of general snus and instant coffee.

>taco bell

coffee and a steady diet of bourbon. You'll be wrecking toilet bowls in no time.

I have literal wipeless shits since I went on a whole-foods, plant-based diet. I don't really need any advice regarding shits.

These are sweetened with a sugar alcohol called sorbitol which is actually used as a laxative in medicine. Same thing with many sugar free candies/gum

Get a box of fiber one bars, eat two of them, then brace for impact.

Why stop at 2?

cigarette and coffee

Eat a clove of garlic, give it an hour and the shit will be running out of you.

This. Drink a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette and try NOT to shit.

Is this why hipsters fucks are always wasting their money on coffee and cigarettes? Because they're constipated 24/7? I thought my old friends were just pretentious fucks.

Not going to lie, I thought I came up with OP's pic independently. Let's you know "you made it big" sort of thing.
>i have a mansion!
>i have a private jet!
>i have a solid gold toilet. I win.
I can't tell you how pissed I am.

Coffee and orange juice always do it for me when I want to empty the tank.

I don't even know why I came in this thread but I sure ended up more educated about pooping.

Flax seed and oats are great and they have a lot of fiber. Look for things that are high in dietary fiber. If you're having trouble pooping you should really make sure you are getting enough leafy greens in your diet. A lot of meat can make you constipated as well.

>tfw an alcoholic and it's a 5 6 or 7 every time

Actually it's only ever a 7 if I eat a lot of fried food on the night.

Good quality jam on extra fiber wheat toast
They are high in pectin, which can help you poop.

>wasting their money on coffee
It's pretty cheap for the quality of life/morale boost.