I'm tired of wiping for hours after I shit, and still coming up with poopy-schnot on my whiteys later in the day

>ust switch to brown underwear.

high protein no fibre

you can actually
not shit at all

OP, what if you drink shakes all the time? Or soylent.

>just switch to brown underwear

This is an American problem isn't it?

Shave your ass and get toilet paper wet in the sink before using it, or use wet wipes/towlettes
People that use dry paper to wipe their hairy encrusted assholes need to be shot

It may not work for everyone, but psyllium husk is kind of magical.

I did a little experiment a while ago, it wasn't entirely deliberate, but I pretty much just ate pie and ice cream and jelly beans for like a week, and had a few glasses of this stuff a day, and my poops were never easier and cleaner.

also this

This. Nothing feels as fresh as a thoroughly waterblasted ass. Even better is following it up with a small enema to get that perfectly pink anus.

hi homo-friend... listen, good advice, but please spare us the homo-details next time ok?

There's absolutely nothing gay about admiring a nice well groomed pink anus.

>being clean is homo

This is the world we inhabit.

Percocet. Thank me later.

Eat more frequently and squat on the toilet. Shit comes out silky smooth.

Stop drinking faggot.

Even better is taking a shit with your legs behind your neck, but its not easy to sit on modern toilets that way.

I read this in Tyrion's voice

kek what

When you sit with your legs behind your neck, you literally shits forward. Like shooting a fire hose of shit.

What the fuck is wrong with you

Eat a lot of slippery food

>ate pie and ice cream and jelly beans for like a week

EAT YOUR OATZ

SQUAT ON THE TOILET

COSTCO ITEM #1121406 (Google it)

You shouldn't apply too much force, that could cause hemorrhoids. Just let it drip slowly out of the anus and just pinch off good when done.

Try Norco if that buzz is too strong.

shave your ass
i'd bet a paycheck you have a sasquatch ass forrested with dinglberries

Finish shitting before you start wiping.

just use psyllium husk

Start squatting on the toilet or using a squatty potty to get a straight dump

You're not done shitty if its brown. Also babywipes for a final finish.

Take an extra layer of undies and just don't wipe. At first it may feel weird, but the asscheek lubrication it provides is wonderful while walking or running.

This is why people shit in the morning before they hop in the shower you fucking retard. You're not meant to shit in public unless you really have to. It's like a last resort thing.

If you can't get regular in the morning just start drinking coffee or powdered green tea or something when you wake up or a smoothie and like 20 mins later you will need to shit.

Fold toilet paper and put in in ur hole space between undies.

Switch to an healthy diet you absolute disgrace of a man.

i'm a brit and i'd never seen a bidet in my life until i went to the US when i was like 4. i shat in it

just use the faucet, and leave a good tip for the bathroom attendant

That's because they're unsanitary because you wipe your ass directly with your hand without using soap.

It's why you get ill every time you go to a kebab shop or something, all those fuckers wipe their ass with their hand then serve you food with it.

>Like shooting a fire hose of shit.
Shit is not supposed to be liquid.

costco.com/Kirkland-Signature-Moist-Flushable-Wipes,-632-Wipes.product.100350650.html
Oh look, you can post URLs on the Veeky Forums!

>That's because they're unsanitary because you wipe your ass directly with your hand without using soap.
You don't wash your hands after wiping? You consider a layer or two of TP to be an impenetrable protective barrier?
The fuck is wrong with you?

You should be pooping _at home_ prior to your morning shower.
Take a fiber pill at bedtime, or get up a little earlier and chuck down your high fiber cereal or toast and hot coffee, and then read the news on the toilet on your tablet, and then when done, get. in. the. shower.

If you are sick/ill, like IBS, and poop more than twice a day when you can do it at your own house, then have some cottonelle wipes for the final cleanup, or bring and use better quality toilet paper than what is offered in public or work places. Find a way to tuck that under the sink, tuck into your pocket, etc.

It should never be on your underwear unless you physically take your hand and pick at your crotch. If you have itchy butt, go to the bathroom and wipe again. If it persists, you don't smash and rub your clean underwear up your crack, geez. That is really gross. If there is a medical reason this is happening, see a doctor. Leaking or hemorrhoids or fissures. Do you need to lose a ton of weight? Do you need to be on nexium?

Fiber. Dietary fiber. Also protein. Also you need healthy gut flora aka bacteria. They help break down food and keep your system running on schedule. you can buy all these things easily at the store.

Another thing -- and this is very important -- poop tends to be pushed out much more efficiently when you sit in the crouching position or close to it. You can do this on the toilet by putting one leg on the side of the bathtub or on the sink. Just one leg is fine. Still helps get your lower intestinal area at that good posture. Our muscles down there are made to shit in tthat position. The turds just slide right out. Often theres little or nothing to wipe.

Fiber is all you need.

Most people have no clue how to wash their hands properly. Applying soap and rubbing three times is not enough.

I tried metamucil for a bit and it helped make my shits more complete, but people were telling me that i'm too young to be using it...are they right?

No, thats silly. Metamucil isn't medicine, its dietary fiber. Psillium Husk fiber, to be exact. People sometimes are clueless and give bad advice.