WORST OPENING LINES

Either write your own or post what you found elsewhere.

>Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine.

...

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo.

I'd also like to edit this into something better.
>It was more than the excitement of rebelling against a lifetime of stern warnings from his mother that he better, "never bring no pinche weda white girl home." It was the electricity that sparked from her pasture green eyes and the visible hot flush of blood that gushed to her cheeks whenever he touched her soft skin or leaned in for just a breath of her fragrant blonde blonde hair. In all honesty since labor day weekend; and those long, hot summer evenings camping by the river with Heather Roberto hadn't thought of home at all.

Grammar is a mess. lol fuck it.

ITT: recommend some monkey literature.

Once upon a time in a city so divine called West Side Compton there stood a little nigga he was 5-foot-something.

Took his homies to the show and this is what they said
>Implying doggs bridges on that weren't funky and dope af.

Your life is your life don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.Be on the watch.

> judging potential life changing works of art by their insignificant opening lines

Did you major in marketing or something as equally useless?

>A synagogue period of cat’s whiskers musical physics
Opening line to the post-modern piece I attempted to write when I was 17.

Wow that's just gibberish, at least try user.

I am literally shaking right now.

>I had always dreamed of being a vampire. But as I'd soon learn, some dreams are better not coming true.

Writing that made me loathe myself.

Today, at 2 o'clock, in the morning, I went for a, very long, jog, and thought (about Adolf Hitler).

Her ass screamed to him like an ass screaming if asses could scream. It screamed like a widow seeing her presumed-dead husband who has been missing in action for the past two decades: a long, gaping silence followed by an intense, long, and passionate wailing. To the children watching, the scream was a mere "BRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP" like machine-gun fire -- but to him, her ass screamed "welcome home, lover", and they embraced at the hips.
This is completely fake and I just wrote it now on the spot instead of writing a paper worth 40% of my course grade and due Friday. r8 so I don't feel like this was a total waste of time. Would you continue reading a novel that began like this?

It wasn't without trepidation that the reader of this sentence decided after this very word to continue reading the sentence that seemed to be aware it was being read, but as the sentence dragged on the reader began to feel comfortable with the sentence, not because the narrator's voice provided any reassurance, but because the sentence took a dramatic turn the likes of which have never been seen before the cyclist fell into a small pile of gravel, scraping his knee before returning to the sentence that was initially about nothing outside of itself.

"Sister Agatha looked up from flat on her back, on the mat, to see the five hundred pound, nude female sumo wrestler descending on her, and she was forced to admit to herself that the Pope had betrayed her."
- joe cosby, alt.slack

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.

I realize most opening lines would seem trite on their own, but these threads are still fun.

>For a long time I used to go to bed early.
Lmao i mean who gives a shit about when you go to sleep