Going to post some of my poems. Be as brutal or nice as you like, it doesn't matter. Whatever makes you feel better...

Going to post some of my poems. Be as brutal or nice as you like, it doesn't matter. Whatever makes you feel better. I feel better just letting these writings out. I prefer honesty.

I am working on a poem book right now. Pic related, it's a sample page. I do the art too.

Thank you for taking the time to read. Share your poems too, if you'd like or send me links.

Peace.

Other urls found in this thread:

pastebin.com/h48FPWsZ
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

Okay, so I have multiple pages done with their drawings. I don't have all the poems with drawings yet.

Here's my first non-jpeg poem...

“Epitaph” by byron seventh
(Picture of a tombstone with John and Jane Doe engraved, and laid next to each other)

I just found out, yet another great one's been dearly departed
I don't ask God “why?” because I know how it's started

we're thrown into this world
on a throne or ragged robes

I know others that I'd prefer gone
but, that's not for me to judge, I suppose

I wish death onto no one
but, justice onto those too wicked few

a grown child's innocence lost
once there's blatant blame askew

wrinkling in lines that are drawn and drew
even if it seems temporary
make whatever wrong turns turned right and true

we turn to wormfood, then ashes once laid in cemeteries

it's on your conscience, for now, not mine or the customary
life's too short, keep it simple,
as I write in solitary

…I am doing my best
it's learned, humbling honor and what's fucking necessary

Damn.

'Begotten Ashes” by byron seventh (picture of an ashtray)

ordinary, every day life
taken a south turn

like the guarantee of birds flocking
in the fall, n in the spring return

it's not “what” that matters
it's “how”, which does

smothering, smithereens into ashes
into the phoenix, as she was

though there is no exact return
from prior “glory”

there is always the here and now
or, so goes the story

“Red Curtains” by byron seventh

“HA Ha ha.”
we laugh
roaring sounds
echoed, faded,
and last

*Curtains close,
second time,
show's over*

at last!

I struck “big”
“what now?,”
I ask

How did you not see it all along, fool?
Those people with soft compliments
were strongest, n coolest of cools

The haters hate,
but don't always turn a blind eye

the saviors have grace,
they're the ones who care for you and I

don't listen to their “logic,”
if they're stuck in old ways

you must be strategic
keep it simple, stay AND stray

I've learned from others' mistakes
as much as my own

we are one,
searching glory separate,
when it should be together
we grow

curtain opens again
another night
who will the humble mic hold?

This invitation is open
they're out there
as great as we may be bold

stand up

“Spike” by byron seventh (picture of a volleyball splashing a punch bowl)

What can I say?
From being brave
admitting mistakes
that come and go my way

“what does it matter?”
is asked by most
in regards, I toast to those
finding their meaning n not boast

money doesn't buy happiness
nor love, nor glamour

it's the real You
they're after,
not some scar-less mind
(from what I've gathered)

pride is folly
joy is jolly
jealous minds are not gentle

melancholy?:
try to volley
your thoughts are your mental

Who spiked da punch???

Alright, I know Veeky Forums is a slow board. I will post more later if I see some action. I have to take a piss that's going to smell like coffee now. Then, I am going to write in other Veeky Forums posts for the sake of good measure.

Thanks, even if you're a lurker...

no

cute kitty

>Here's my first non-jpeg poem...

Somebody, please, make it stop.

I'm Rupi Kaur. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

kinda bland and stacattoish

Kill yourself pathetic pretentious shit. Learn what is poetry before writing poetry.

Yes, somebody, please

It's not that bad. Even if it is, Michael Bay makes a killing.

Cool, thanks. I think I go from one spot to the next too often.

Whattya got that's better from you, neckbeard?

>>>/tumblr/
go back

Nope, gonna stay right here. Thanks. Water's warm with your pissy attitude.

i gotta say, i haven't had a positive reaction to any of these. no punchy emotion, just a sort of bland jest.

here, a poem of mine, so you can trash it if you like.

To Bed!

I excite myself
with the promise
that with renewed vigor
I shall attack the day
when I rise to engorge
myself upon
what I cannot
this eve.
The deep and
profound need
to ingest
to imbibe
the new excitement
the newest marvel
the words that spill
from pen to pad
that reach the
toneless ears
of those
that lack the
remorseless hunger
of the novel.
The passion of interest itself
unbound
unheeded
untamed
must wait for
me to rise
again.
Such limitless drive
strains my drooping eyes... To bed. To bed.

It's bad
I don't understand what makes people so possessed and narcissistic that they think this shit actually communicates any discernable meaning or emotion to someone else. You're barely speaking English, your dialect is more accurately, "self absorbed want-to-be writer." You can tell yourself "Michael bay makes a killing" as if the lack of artistic integrity elsewhere makes your tripe bullshit more legitimate, but it doesn't. You've got your head stuck so far up your ass that you've made dozens of these image macros that will literally mean nothing to another human being other than remind those few snowflakes who might claim to like it of their own "art". You've made no effort to say anything other than words which sound nice to you in no particular order, only thinking about communicability as an after thought and making them slightly related to hide an unprecedented level of pretense. You've got nothing here even if you think posting it here or having a blog or some shit will make your poems a breakout success. It's probably easier to be quietly insane than actually try to get better at something, though, so good luck. Don't post about it on Veeky Forums expecting us to praise you as much as your parents or friends or whoever else is conditioned to pity you and your nauseating self image.

Art is subjective. That Rupi Kaur has changed some lives, just as Michael Bay has influenced some teenage boys.

I am going to keep doing my best until something cracks open for me. Practice makes unattainable perfection.

I am part of Veeky Forums as much as you. This "us" you're referring to, and this expected praise on my behalf, is your collective and possessed, tribal narcissism. Get your own head out of your fucking ass. Dickhole.

I have very few friends that enjoy my work. My parents sure do not.

"you've made no effort to say anything other than words which sound nice to you in no particular order..."
^^That's arguably poetry for anyone.

What is it, exactly, you think I see myself as? I don't look in the mirror and jerk off to myself, like a fucking Kanye West.

I hope you treat others as poor as you treat me and yourself, then I know you're as alone as I chose to be. Your paragraph was well-thought out. The pity is I can't take heed to your words because they're entirely nasty.

I'm not expecting my dick to be sucked or constructive criticism, necessarily. I know what Veeky Forums is.

I know that you are a negative person. Get some help or change. Shit. Thanks for not liking my work, I wouldn't want you to.

I don't see much of a difference between your poem and mine. It's a good poem. I'll take the bland zest of my jest for now.

To be OP is neverending censure.
There is no, will be no, point to reach
where your thoughts tend to matter.
So they are spoken, so they are printed,
So what? I keep my words to myself
And they count more than yours,
Wantonly shat pixels and dust.
No point intended, no idea ventured,
And yet you post.
I am here, I am of this earth,
But what do I see? Nothing,
Nothing seen because nothing is there to be seen.
To be OP is neverending censure.

Good poem.
Ah, the discouraging fact in serving your own purpose as life's purpose. That's the good punchline, alright. Yet, I always tend to look on the brightside of life.

your poem is horrid.
your reply to that guy's crass post only proves his point ; the self possessed narcissism of self published 'artists' peddling their mediocrity and hiding behind the tiresome false aphorism that all art is subjective.

"bland zest of my jest" is an equally poorly written verse. Not only that, it's a contradiction in terms

You're a troll if you don't know so, already.
Veeky Forums, goddamn. Shit's too funny.

>anyone who disagrees with my opinion is a troll!
go back to your safe space.

you done yet? I've got a little bit more time.

Hey, you said to be as brutal or nice as
we wanted. It's only fair that we want to exercise that right

Is this a joke? What exactly are you going for

Dude, they said your poem sucks and even gave you reasons why it sucked. I think you can stop with the slap fighting now as you're only making yourself look pathetic.

Cliche and mediocre, and the image format is a gimmick. post it on instagram, they'll love it.

I feel sorry for Rena if youre this much of an ass.

Didn't realise this was your real name either.

ok I'll throw you one bone, you don't read enough poetry. read more poetry. buy a norton anthology with notes and commentaries.

in a blind reading my mom prefers my poem to yours, she has read literally thousands of novels, 90% of them classics. my housekeeper prefers yours to mine because she "couldn't understand" the second, she hasn't eaten a vegetable in a decade, and believes elvis is the greatest musical artist in all of history.

It's autism.

rate my writing please , its in polish tho. Make it as harsh as possible
pastebin.com/h48FPWsZ

I'm not done yet. Let's keep it going. You've beaten a dead horse with circular insults. Looking at this thread, it's as much of a circlejerk as reddit.

I never went around prancing my shit as being the greatest. I just keep hearing vague remarks by the Peanuts gallery as the poems being "mediocore," "scattered," "gimmicky," and "vague."

I get that I can be scattered because that is how my mind works.
I am going to keep trying though.
I will read more poetry, as I have been.

I will be successful with some art form of mine, and it won't be because of any of you today.

>he comes here, thinking it's somehow going to be any different from reddit
ok.

Listen here, you uppidy little cunt. You post in critique threads like the rest of us. Make a shrine to yourself and we're going to piss on it. Make a post in /critique/ and we'll give you honest criticism.

What separates us from reddit is anonynity. We won't coddle you and suck your dick for upvotes. We'll criticise or praise your work because it's what we believe.

If you want to self-promote, at least try to do it tastefully. Here's my honest opinion: Your poems are rudimental. They work on superficial levels, borrowed platititudes. They read like bad song lyrics.

You can probably pass however, on your art style. But even then, you're more of a Hallmark card designer than a poet. Get better. Write something real, rather than something "real" Capiche?

Thank you. Truth I can take because it's truth.

She's right about elvis tho

in all of history? i mean, fuck, low hanging fruit here, but Mozart?

Maybe she isn't right in that sense but i feel like she has all the rights to say so.
Elvis is like the Pynchon of music,
There are a lot of writers before that are universally considered unmatchable, but if a housekeeper come to me and said "Tommy Pinecone is the greatest writer in all of history" i would say "ok man, i can understand why you say that"

wouldn't make her any less wrong.

>my housekeeper prefers yours to mine because she "couldn't understand" the second, she hasn't eaten a vegetable in a decade, and believes elvis is the greatest musical artist in all of history
I really don't get all the description. You think that you're better than her? She's probably a more sincere and overall better person than you are

wouldn't make you any more right f a m

>you don't read enough poetry. read more poetry

All of my this.

So tell us OP, who are your influences? Because you write as if you've never actually read a poem in your entire life.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

no, she's a crude, mean, and thoughtless person who i have considered firing on several occasions. she constantly berates people behind their backs (an issue i have brought up, because i dislike negativity in my home), only for her to convey her dislike for me to my own mother. besides, what is there that is sincere about eating vegetables? she constantly complains of her dying body, one riddled with monthly kidney stones and bladder infections, while ridiculing my mother for doing yoga and being a vegetarian. I'm sorry, but you're simply wrong.

>this is the guy youre all being baited by

>baiter who puts in way more work than the baited

Yeah ... no.

>implying any of these third rate pop lyric "poems" required any effort

This thread is hilarious

Reminds me of allantutorials

Haiku Jesus build;
Seller of circle fractions
To be slapp'd therewith

Faggots.

Nope. Not reading your shit. People won't critique your self-inflated garbage if you are a self-inflated piece of garbage, you self-inflated piece of garbage.

>This "us" you're referring to, and this expected praise on my behalf, is your collective and possessed, tribal narcissism. Get your own head out of your fucking ass. Dickhole.

OP asserts that Veeky Forums is not a tribal experience with collectivized ideas. The primary aspect he is trying to get to is that no-one on this board can dictate what this board is about. This is of course a dictation about what the board is, and is just projection based on his "fanny frustrations" as well as a self-refuting idiotic non-referenced evidenceless dribble.

>I'm not expecting my dick to be sucked or constructive criticism, necessarily. I know what Veeky Forums is.

Then why are you complaining? Did you forget to put your thinking cap on? Fuck your "I know" unless you convince me with evidence about the "I know".

>I know that you are a negative person.

Ad... ad.... ad what again? Can somebody please remind me of the blatant logical fallacy involving an attack on the individual?

>I'll take the bland zest of my jest for now.

Truly, I'm impressed,
the best of the best has just addressed what he knows,
lest we become repressed and forget his behest,
let's see that this finessed,
and utterly duress'd,
nest of the crest never becomes depressed,
amidst the fittest of the rest,
in a blessed tempest.

self-promotion general?

...

the word "shapely" makes me hard

Wow you really are a master in Microsoft Word

Totally agree

You can feel his urge to want to create something more in the poems but completely fails, you can also feel how seriously he takes it all, even though he tries to cover it up with typos to make others think "ooh this guy doesn't care" but still, the typos are there for that very same reason and it's as clear as water that he cares way too much, how sad that a human wasted time to create these, and even if he takes the whole "art is subjective" escape route then OP should really understand that those who could ever appreciate such garbage are those who never read a poem or book in their life, so OP you will not find your audience here until you actually reach deep down within you and present yourself naked rather than fully covered in shit

>You're a troll if you don't know so, already.
do people not know what the word troll means any more?

sure that guy disagrees with you, but to be a troll he could not be unaware. he would have to be purposefully doing something for a large amount of replies. since your thread is basically shilling, isn't really good poetry, and your attitude is apparent, i don't think there's going to be a lot of people who reply to him negatively or positively, firstly because this thread is the kind of entitlement that most anons come here to avoid and so there won't be many who read that far, and secondly, because you're the more obviously looking for replies and attention person.

The poems aren't good and the illustrations look like anything a teenage girl with a tablet could produce. Yes, you can probably sell it, but your audience isn't going to be Veeky Forums or Veeky Forums because those demographics don't really care about the kind of shit you produce. People from tumblr or reddit or from feminist student groups or twitter or instagram, or really anyone who takes lots of pictures of coffee, would like your stuff, uncritically.

Being liked by idiots is about the best you can hope for, and if you want to be liked and not held against an objective standard, I'd suggest you go to one of them. I doubt you made a thread just for you, when we have critique threads, because you embrace the idea of anonymity, resource sharing, understand board rules or common practices, or even that you want to and just lack the skills from not lurking. All that's pretty disrespectful and attention seeking, and you should really go places that share your values instead. You would be more successful. And I think success and pandering mean more to you than any other motivator, judging by your thread here.

>inb4 but that's not about your poetry
Your writing skills are actually beneath contempt. I don't even care to criticize them because I don't think they're worth that. They're not work the review I would give a six year old about their poem about horses or some shit, because I think this is actually your final form. I think that those poems are what you thought were good enough to stay that way forever. I don't have hope for someone like that, but, again, that doesn't mean you wouldn't be successful if you shilled to the right audience.

Politely saged because OP's gonna bump his self advertising thread whether it gets a response or not. Like an absolute faggot.

/Thread

Didn't really give a whole lot of attention to it. I don't think you're a very good writer. You should focus more on drawing because you're much better at it. Here are some comments, mostly technical. All of them are on the jpg poems because I enjoyed the pictures.

>who said what to who
No, I'm pretty sure "who said what to whom." That line is the reason why English needs declension, unless you're speaking of a person named "who." Then it should be "Who."

>a thorn halo, given to you
Pointless caesura that puts a senseless pause between the subject and verb.

>sacrifice sequences sacremental
Baby's first thesaurus word salad. You're not the Pearl poet. You're not writing real alliterative verse. Stop trying to.

>Runneth
Remember when I said you aren't the Pearl Poet? You aren't Shakespeare, either.

Try to be consistent with your usage of punctuation throughout an entire poem, or at least deliberate. Modern and non-pretentious translations of the bible translate that line "my cup overflows" anyway, so it's senseless to be archaic sounding for a false rhyme.

Why do you arbitrarily capitalize words at the beginning of lines? I get that you have some kind of issue with end-stopped lines, but it looks incredibly lazy.

>When it's difficult going to bed
I'm pretty sure that this says something different from what you meant.

Once again, I think that you need to learn how caesuras work. 4th and final lines.

>I am compelled to write these poems
>as though they are not my own
yeah, I wouldn't want to credit these to myself either.

Just cringe and stupid. Probably your best one so far.

Anyway, I don't want to write about more of your poems. In general, my comments are for you to study poetry a little more. Learn more about prosody. Write poems in strict forms as exercises (this is how you get good at writing poems). Maybe try being more creative and less boring and moody.

I try

>it's senseless to be archaic sounding for a false rhyme
I agree with him being a bad poet, but this is a nitpick that doesn't really apply. Everyone and their mother knows the "my cup runneth over" reference. There's not much reason why op is making the reference other than for the sake of grabbing a piece of cultural flotsam, but if a good poet were to retrofit this in his poem he wouldn't use a cleaned up version, he would use the iconic one.

i like the drawings this in particular but not so much the crown mostly just the roses

>You've made no effort to say anything other than words which sound nice to you in no particular order,
But seriously how is good poetry any different than this? How is one to recognize there's more than just pretty words in some arrangement? Because that's what attracts me to the poetry I like, at least.

>Pointless caesura that puts a senseless pause between the subject and verb.
What? I'm not him, but I don't understand this extremely technical way of looking at poetry. What if one just likes the way that phrase was written, if one just enjoys whatever it evokes? What's to gain from this idiocy of structures other than a feeling of superiority? It just seems mechanical to me, anti-poetic even. Detached from what makes us human.

tell me there's hope, Veeky Forums

to lie with you on rainy days
your head resting on my shoulder
convinces me in many ways
of things inside me that are older

>monochrome and trashing
i really like this one, and some other sentences

there's always hope, user, but you're going to have to work harder and look for interesting and specific ways to say what you want to say.

Here's one of mine:

16.

I saw your soul between two river beds
uprooted and your garden’s warped and dry
knotted with silt and desert brush. The drought’s
been hard, your tuberhart held water long
enough. Let’s squeeze the rest out now, come on.
Let’s wrench the brine from ocean eyes, come on.
Let’s dry your body to dust now, come on.
I know how hard our death will be for you,
but burnt offers reek of desperation.
The water will come soon, no use to drink
piss before death. No use in savoring mud,
when as soon as the sun crumbles into dusk
the rain will pour out and you’ll drink again.
The fresh water of spring, you’ll drink again.

thanks, i hope to revisit the piece in a year, because I've been making great headway in form.

PLEASE DON'T WRITE POETRY UNTIL YOU'VE STUDIED POETRY AND POETIC FORM JESUS GOD

once you've learned what actual good poetry is, then you'll be able to see how sloppy and disgustingly pretentious your own shit- just look at the meter on this thing like what is even going on is there even a coherent rhythm with whatever this is you can't just smear everything onto a page and hope it flows- the reason people write with structure is because free verse is hard as fuck

this is kinda nice though

thanks mister

Poetry has a shit ton of baggage and you don't understand what poetry is. It's not just a collection of good sounds and good words that feel good. There are a lot of underlying grammars and interplays that are very hard to understand and be aware of unless you're intimately familiar with a lot of different poetic forms. See:

>anti-poetic
You think Plath and WCW and Frost didn't understand these high-level mechanics? Hell the only successful poet who MIGHT not have is Bukowski , but he's decidedly lesser than those.

Understand HOW language can be used (caesura, rhyme, parallelism, enjambment, etc.etc.) is extremely important to make seemingly effortless perfect poems

Poetic snobbery.

Kinda like the way that our ancient ancestors would fight who was the best at rain-dancing.

> "Fucking noob, not knowing how to tap the bark like rain"
> "KYS noob, you'll never know the art."
> "Only my clan has the real secret for rain-tickling, your lineage is shit-tier"
> "Not knowing Rain-maker Groot - being this pleb"

that's not very nice, I don't really think I'm a snob. I just think there's a lot of very good work out there, and some people seem to think that their own poetry is hot shit, without really knowing what it is about the all the good stuff that makes it good. You see a lot of people trying to awkwardly imitate the greats, but without any of the nuance or creativity, and that's kind of sad to see. If you would just study the really good stuff a bit, you could understand how to write good stuff yourself

While I don't agree with the idea you shouldn't write until you've studied (writing is a great way to study). It's pretty clear the OP has a lot to learn. Rhythm does matter. Concision matters too. And OP's works lacks these almost completely.

>WHY WON'T YOU EAT THIS LITERAL TURD!? CULINARY SNOBBERY!

r8 my shakespearean sonnet.

9.

I tried to paint the other day, to frame
a comet brighting through a greendark sky.
The blotched acrylic smearing dust and flame
across the cheap canvas. My artist’s eye
attached to cheap astronomy, my brush
with space unsubstantial; my hope of high
flung art had come to crash. When paint had hushed
the slop-wet shine, I saw the wreckage matte
and crack, and I loved it. I saw it gush
across the stage, and I loved it. The flat
azure burnt with hot-white, the emerald
black netting caught my gem mid-streak. The splats
of colour dropped by careless hand are jars
of light I made from plucking treasured stars.

All I'm suggesting is that one person's art form is another person's ignorance.

I doubt I would know the difference between shit k-pop lyrics or ancient Chinese poetry considered to be their best because I don't know their language and rhythms. (Although I'm sure we can agree it would be a very interesting study).

Often the only way to develop a palate for any art form is to immerse yourself into what has gone before which, I believe, would influence the resulting works. The apple and the tree...

>pride is folly
>joy is jolly

Taking a subjective art form, and comparing it to an objective fact. Shit is not a food source.

A better parallel is to say
> Here, eat this McDonalds garbage instead of that Michelin stared dinner.

Guess which one of these is which.

>The end of autumn- there’s heavy frost and dew;
>At dawn, I rise and go to the hidden valley.
>Yellow leaves cover the stream and bridge,
>In the empty village, just ancient trees.
>Cold flowers are scattered, each alone,
>The hidden stream breaks off, and reappears.
>My own heart’s plans are long forgotten now,
>What can it be that startles the deer?

>What You Doing today? oh oh
>What You Doing tomorrow? I miss you
>I want you, oh oh oh
>I want to see you
>Cuz I’m lonely lonely yeah

>Shit is not a food source.
And by the same token, your greetings-card doggerel is not poetry.

...

Turds can objectively be eaten and are a lot closer to OP's work, in that they're generally garbage unfit for human consumption that fell out of him without any need to understand what he was doing and were then smeared around a page.

Also you don't understand what subjective and objective mean.

really nice man, to be honest I'm a sucker for iambic pentameter and you seem to like it and use it well. I love where you break the lines, but you might be overdoing it a little- the structure of lines 3-10 are all kind of the same, I find myself taking a breath in the middle of every line. That gets a little dry. It's a nice style though.

The poem has a sweet message, and seems pretty sincere, which is nice- I don't really like all the cynical stuff people always write on this board.

that may be true, but surely you can't say that you haven't been influenced by other works. I definitely don't think artists these days can produce beautiful work without at least admitting to the beauty of the work before them. Being influenced by something doesn't corrupt your work, it contextualises it- you shouldn't see it as a bad thing.

haha, i need to fix the breaks. My intro to meter was actually trying to ape William Blake, so I go used to making statements in Tetrameter and it show when I add a foot to the line.

I dont get it

Why does it rhyme in one ''''stanza''''' but why not the rest

The content is crap too, boring and nonsensical

The art looks like a guy slitting his wrist

Are you actually called byron seventh or is that some shitty pseudonym? Either way it looks retarded

Not going to read any of the others because they will be equally wank