The holidays are around the corner, and you know what that means - peak Veeky Forums season

The holidays are around the corner, and you know what that means - peak Veeky Forums season.

>political arguments
>pretending not to stare at hot cousin
>dry turkey
>getting a little too trashed

Any good stories?

half my family is dead so I don't do shit anymore

I heard that if you work at Walmart during Thanksgiving they give you a 15% discount so I'm planning on doing that.

I haven't went to one of these in 5 years now. Only relative I talk to is my father. I won't even go to any funerals so I hope nobody plans on dying only because I don't want to find out how he would react to my apathy then.

>The holidays are around the corner
No they really aren't! It's barely the middle of September and you fags are already acting like it's Halloween!

Happened quite a few years back

>Christmas eve at my uncle's house in northern middle of the woods Minnesota
>Whole family comes up for a big get together
>I'm 21 and I notice my 17 year old cousin wearing yoga pants that fit her just right
>Never really had a conversation with her but decide to make a move this time
>She acts really smiley with me
>Keeps looking down at my lips and arms
>Touches my arms when she laughs
>I sneak her a couple beers and we go into the home theater room
>Sit back watching christmas classics
>She drunkenly sits on my lap and tries to tickle me
>This happens for about 5-10 min cant really remember i was very drunk
>Start pulling down her yogas with my teeth
>Her big fat ass bounces out of the wasitband
>My dick is diamonds
>She notices and without hesitation starts rubbing my jeans above my dick
>I lose control, pants fly off and i am rubbing the tip of my mushroom against the wet spot in her pants between her legs
>she's so drunk she literally tears a hole and I fuck her through the material
>Nut inside her in about 60 seconds
>We lay there drenched in sweat
>Granny walks in soon after
>We quickly throw a blanket on top of us and pretend we're sharing it
>Granny says she's confused because she smells salmon and we cooked shrimp instead for dinner
>Buy her plan B the next day

Take it or leave it but it really happened.

Pic related is similar to the shrimp we made.

...

I knew one of these posts will pop up. Wtf.

So you're a statutory rapist and a pedophile, as well as incestuous filth

AoC is 17 where this took place

Me and her still hook up, last time was like a year ago tho. She got a bf.

>17
>21
C'mon, you're not even trying anymore. 1/10 because I'm saging. This ain't worth a bump.

uh

>tfw no cute family members

You got this off Google didnt you? This is my fucking family prick. I fucked like 4 ppl in that pic,,,
>The darker skinned girl in black..she had a huge ass that couldnt stop farting even tho she claimed they were queefs
>Both blond haired milfs..excluding one in green
>Good looking dude on left
>Bald headed dude on left in white. Had biggest dick I ever seen...Im talking Guinness material. Wish I measured Id guess 12-13 inches

God i hate them all though

Before my family size of OP's pick split up bc my uncles whore wife resulting him getting a 16 year prison term I had a crush on my the aunt his wife,

Havent see her in years but had I dream I was about to sleep in same bed and she started kissing me. Before anything else I coulld tell I was about to cum and coudlnt hold back so I aimed it at her and slung a bunch of ropes her way.

I woke up later and my boxers were soaked, Only 2 time that happened...first time it happened seconds after waking up and tried pinching it close but no

The women in my family don't get along because whatever the bitchy issue of the week is usually preoccupies their boring lives.
The men in my family all get along great because we do a big mens duck hunt that brings us all closer.
When you're in a cramped cabin with 10 other people you learn what isn't something you bring up, and what you're just going to have to deal with.
No reason for politics or any of that shit to get in the way, I've got a lefty limpwrist cousin and a full on taxation is theft uncle. They still manage to get along fine.
Everyone is closer with a bit of nice duck and a few beers. I love holidays with my family, I just avoid the women unless they can avoid acting like bickering children.

>political arguments
you're not supposed to bring this shit up when socializing, git gud
>hot cousin
put your boner away, she's like 12
>dry turkey
git gud
>getting too trashed
git gud

That's me on the right there frying eggs and telling George that no, he can't drill a hole in that duck decoy and fuck it.

>parents divorced live with dad or friends
>dad gets new gf
>eh kinda strange feeling but whatever
>he wants a big family dinner (me brother sister, my gf and sibling gf's and his new gf's family)
>hes never met my gf, doesnt even know her name, I call her ____ as a nick name so he knows her by that only
>hes really excited for me to meet his new gf and him meet my gf
>gf says she cant make it because she needs to go to another family thing.
>eh whatever, could be awkward as fuck anyway, dodged a bullet there
>call gf before the day, tell her to have a good day tomorrow and ill see her that night. yadda yadda yadda
>day comes
>our side of the family gets there
>were all pretty chill having a good laugh
>dads gf pulls into the driveway
>have a quick glimpse through the curtains as I walk past
>like 7 of them
>well this is going to be weird as fuck since nobody has met anyone before
>they walk in
>my gf is my dads gf's daughter
>just stand there and say ''what the fuck are you serious''
>everyone looks at me
>gf laughs
>nobody knows what the fuck is going on
>walk up to her, hold her hand turn to my dad and say ''dad this is ____ the girls ive been seeing''
>everyone is silent, nobody knows what the fuck to say
>my brother says ''so youve been fucking your potential sister? you seedy litttle cunt''
>makes it even more silent
>me and gf just laugh
>make a joke telling parents they cant get married because we've been together longer, and it'd be weird of we became step brother/sister
>weird as fuck dinner
>fucked my stepsister that night

Last year my two aunts made fun of me for having no friends. Can't wait for this year where all they do is gossip about other people since they have nothing else going for them in their miserable lives.

>dry turkey

Nah, broseph. I batter and deep fry my turkey. Whole.

I've deep fried the last 5 turkeys, but just last year was the first time I battered it. It comes out moist and delicious.

Thanksgiving food is shit. Absolute meme holiday that I do not miss since moving away from America.

>going through the trouble to batter and fry turkey when you could just have cured ham

Meme?

Do you bring food to thanksgiving? For me everyone just eats whatever is cooked at the host's house. Ends up being the same shit for Thanksgiving and Xmas every year. Life is joyless.

Usually in our family the host makes the turkey, and maybe a pie or a few sides. Everyone else brings other food/desserts

Our big family thanksgivings kinda stopped once my grandparents passed away. My brother is a fantastic cook and would plan a mammoth spread that looked like a magazine and actually tasted great (he would get a big bland white turkey for his older in-laws and a heritage breed for us more adventurous eaters). He moved with his family to London so that stopped.
Now it's friends gathering at one of our places. This year a guy who competes in BBQ tournaments has requested that he cook. I'm psyched

IDGAF I'm eating green bean casserole with cream of mushroom condensed soup and durkins fried onions on top. Viva America!

>cooking shrimp for christmas dinner

Nice.

I have a lesbian aunt who pick pocketed my 3DS out of my pocket and played it while I didn't notice.

I was playing Senran Kagura.

>have 3 older sisters
>one sister brings a new bf every year
>2nd sister never brings anyone, lives alone, doesn't drink, doesn't socialize, always wonders why she's alone
>3rd sister's husband and kids are annoying as fuck
>her husband always tries to talk to me about cars and motorcycles when I don't give a shit about either
>kids are so loud and clingy
>mom's cooking isn't the best
>dad died years ago
>no grandparents
>whiskey is my only friend

My dad has 5 brothers and one sister. They all hate each other except my dad but he doesn't seem to notice that they don't like each other. He always makes a big dinner with everybody together and they always end up yelling and fighting.

Also they're complete cunts because they never help us with either cooking or cleaning, and they don't even contribute a tiny bit like buying some meat or a nice bottle of wine.

At least my dad is aware that they have trash taste so we usually just cook them shit with cheap shit. As he said, he'd rather keep the good stuff with people who know a bit more about food.

Technically speaking it was the day before Thanksgiving, but my older brother stalked main street of the town where I lived, and started beating and robbing random civilians. All to fund his heroin addiction. He sent one of them to the hospital. He got picked up for second degree robbery and is doing 3 years time. I appreciate the holidays a lot more now, without him around.

Brined mirin turkey Master race

I honestly feel like the sole point of these get togethers is to get drunk as possible without making an ass of yourself.

If you somehow get to go balls deep in your bubble butt cousin, you beat the game.

We stopped hiving family dinners after my step-aunt's senile mother took a dump on the coffee table.

I met her when she was still reasonable.
Early alzheimer is a terrible condition. Don't wish it on anyone.

...Gross.

...

Sounds awesome, I envy you.

Jokes on you asshole I live on the other side of the country from my family and don't talk to them.

Unless you live in the middle of nowhere I call bullshit

>2013
>have to find place to live after death of grandma
>move in with nice couple I met off craigslist
>Thanksgiving comes up
>wake up, come out of bedroom
>house full of people
>all staring at me
>talking to me

2014
>prepared this time
>have microwave, water, ramen, chips, snacks etc
>to hunker down in my room during thanksgiving
>people still come to my door to talk to me
>literally tell them to leave me alone

2015,2016
>same shit different season, this time left note on door "do not disturb"

2017
>move out, and move in with new person
>he doesn't do family holidays at his place

This is better.

>>dry turkey

I'm a pretentious sous vide faggot so no.

>>her husband always tries to talk to me about cars and motorcycles when I don't give a shit about either

Guaranteed your sister gave her husband instructions to "be nice to my tard brother".

if you're not going to hang out with people on Christmas then i have nothing else to say to you

why is it bullshit?
when my parents got divorced I didnt really hang around dad all that much, and mum not at all. I spent most of my time at friends houses or with gf, only ever met her dad because her parents are obviously divorced. social media wasnt popular back then and still isnt really.
were not actually related so its not weird. just a funny coincidence.

this post reads like pic related

They don't do family gatherings during christmas, but hey they had party on new years eve and had a guy come in my room drunk. Pissed me off to no end.

>being anti socoal on new years eve
Woe be ye

I had to work the day after, and guy came in my room while I was sleeping.