Mfw all those years of being a fucking pretentious fuckwad have finally clicked on me

>mfw all those years of being a fucking pretentious fuckwad have finally clicked on me
I can't handle it bros. I haven't felt much of anything in the past few months but this feel is absolutely wrecking me. Holy shit.

It's not like my issue was being snobbish either, this goes beyond that. I remember as far back as middle school even my essays would involve a lot of big words and intricate prose simply to try to impress the teacher. It eventually got to a point where I'm pretty sure they either thought I was being satirical with half the shit I was saying, or thought that I was trying to mock the educational system.

My personality is ostentatious in general. I do some pretty odd shit to gain the attention of others, and always have. I've come to accept that facet of myself and how embarrassing of a person I am, but I can't handle looking back on many, many years of me making a complete fool of myself in English class. Is this something I just have to face up to and get over? I still have some papers, dating back to even Freshman year I think. I'm afraid to even touch those out of fear that all those years of me being low self-awareness will slap me in the face. Fuck it man, I just don't know what to do at this point. Help.

Wow, you got wiser and more self aware as you got older? You must be the first

that's a lot more reassuring than you think it is. but still, it doesn't change the fact that I was a walking tyranoThesauraus rex back in highschool.

...

Yeah, i man i feel you. Just remember it was the iniquity of the collective mass of mediocres what made you like that. And they'll never realize their folly like you.

Also, is there a word in english for estulticia in spanish? (It means stupidity; but it's a harsher word)

yeah, dumb people are dumb!

Obseqiuos

-Sent from my Livejournal

Thank God that in my adolescence I was forged in the depths of irony and self-awareness that is Veeky Forums and the internet. I am so ironic and self-aware that you literally cannot touch me. I am indestructible. Every criticism you may have of me is either a facet of me that is ironically displayed or a fault that I have already noticed myself and plastered over with yet another layer of irony, making me descend deeper into my madness. One apparent fault of mine may simply be another fault masquerading ironically as another, and yet I am already aware of the original fault, have integrated it ironically into the detached concept of my protean and undefinable personality. Even now, there is no way to defeat me. I have no sense of self, no sense of community, of values, or of humanity, because my inconquerable self-awareness has detached me from each of these concepts individually and allowed me to take an ironic stance towards them. Though my childhood was also embarrassing, I rest easy in the fact that it was all ironic and that there was no belief or vision of my self that I have to tear down, only memories of me performing actions ironically. There is thus nothing to regret, and nothing worth remembering. I am trapped in this limbo of self, always one step of everyone i meet. I have never fallen in love, met a true friend, had a genuine conversation, had an opinion, or fought for a belief. I once attended a gender studies class with the thought that I would ironically attend it to show to others the extent to which I ironically hated gender studies courses, when I in fact ironically ironically ironically hated gender studies courses, and yet while I ironically masqueraded as ironically hating the course, ironically ironically ironically hating it all the while, this was all covered up by yet another layer of irony, so that I was ironically ironically ironically ironically hating it under the guise of ironically ironically ironically hating it, and so that once my layers have been uncovered, there remained not a legitimate stance but a deep void of nothingness inside. There is nothing you can do to insult me, to hurt my feelings, because I have only felt hurt ironically, nothing you can do to damage me, to cure me, to affect me in any way whatsoever. I am stuck in a universe of white noise and nothingness.

The irony being that irony involves two people at minimum.

And here your are posting hideous cartoon frogs. Kek

You're what, late teens? Early 20s at the oldest? That's about par for becoming self aware and snapping out of your adolescent delusions of self importance. Cherish those terrible memories because they are a reminder of what you used to be, they are proof that you change over time and become better than you were. It's the only reason I haven't burned my journals from middle and high school.

>I haven't burned my journals from middle and high school.

I literally burned mine and regretted it. But I also don't have to live with the fear that someone might find them and read them.

To OP. Literally everyone is like this. At least you've grown out of it. Some unlucky people never grow out of that stage, never gain self-awareness, they are just slowly conditioned to be less embarrassing.

In all likely hood, you'll probably one day look back on yourself now and be embarrassed. It's just the way things go, until a certain age when you just learn to stop giving a shit about your past, and view it in a positive light instead.

I'm not really worried about people reading them since a lot of the handwriting is so terrible that even I can barely decipher it. Plus large swathes are written in a code I developed when I was 11 years old and I've long since forgotten how it works. It's just a simple alphabet replacement cipher though, I could crack it in 10 minutes tops, but I already know there's nothing of value worth deciphering so I haven't bothered.

Who fucking cares what you were in High School? Seriously get the fuck over it. Up until about 3 years ago I was a walking pain in the fucking ass as well but I've stopped blaming everybody else for all my problems and avoiding shit that scares me and I've grown into a much better person. i don't spend all my time worrying about how I was a shitty person in the past because it's just an excuse for continuing to be a shitty person now.

if you really don't like the way you used to be or the way you are then fuckign change and get on with it. It's tough as shit but it's rewarding.

try and stop being a little bitch

Maybe you're in depression or dysthymia?

>language is my domain

I think you have the wrong board

Read 1984 and practice doublethink.

Convince yourself that this stuff never happened. You do not remember it

>tyranoThesaurus rex
I like that, man. And if it makes you feel any better, the people in front of whom you embarrassed yourself didn't really care about disliking you. If you were to see them again and act like a better person, they would probably like you.

An orotund plaintive post from an obstreperous, internefarious poster. Silly, silly, silly. It makes me cachinnate, to tell you truth; then merely grieve despairingly for what a foolish court jester fool you were once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away. Heh. Nothing personnel, kid.

"Sit down, bitch. Be humble." - David Foster Wallace

I once had an English teacher who was a 20-something year old girl that was a complete pleb. She consistently gave me lower marks than the chads, some of whom openly admitted to never having read a book outside of class, just because she was a slut. For one essay in particular she gave me a C, and the guy in front of me a B+. This guy had never read a book in his own time, ever. I asked her why she marked me so poorly, and she claimed I hadn't written enough. I counted the words in my essay, and then counted the words of the guy in front of me, and I'd written about 400 words more than him. I pointed this out to her and she ignored me.

I then adopted the tactics Op describes. I copied segments of Schopenhauer's 'On women' verbatim and presented it as my own work. Not only did she fail to see through my plagiarism, but she graded Schopenhauer with a C-. While I was out sick, she passed 'my' essay around the class for it to be laughed at. It backfired on her, as the majority of the class actually found the prose too difficult to read and were instead impressed. I later exposed my ruse to her and laughed in her face.

When I went to university I consistently got A's, and a few B's. Five professors from two different departments personally complimented my writing style and my prose.

why did you delete this and then re-post it

This is really good. This is true art.

I'm high and I made mistakes which I felt compelled to fix.

>My personality is ostentatious in general. I do some pretty odd shit to gain the attention of others, and always have
Wow it's almost like you're a teenager trying to fit in.

Carlos fuck off.

wow are you me

Nothing in high school matters.Nothing in collect matters.

Says the facebook fuckwit

Take your meds

Go fuck yourself. Just because you mention an English does not mean this belongs on Veeky Forums. Go make a tumblr.

Reported.

The same happened to me after reading Chekhov. Three years later, I became a normie.

I might be projecting here, but you seem to have self-loathing issues that you could come to glorify as a phase of your being a literati. The most healthy thing you could do know is learn to accept yourself, do cognitive therapy, find people who will appreciate you for who you are, even if that means an awkward, embarrasing mess, understand that nobody cares about you or your being pretentious, and realize that you were more of a normie than you think back then; basically just embrace yourself.

Also
>Get out more
>Browse fit/, Veeky Forums's exit board
>Don't take your past so seriously

>I still have some papers, dating back to even Freshman year I think.

Keep them because you might want to read them a few years from now. Maybe when you're thirty you'll find actual interesting ideas in them or just be glad that you were passionate about something when you were younger.

You have a hard year ahead, but the more you gloat in your self-loathing, the harder it will be to get out of that hole.

We got our Cervantes