She pointed and jeered, starting from the beginning of their argument, listing the scathing details chronologically, beginnings with "and then you said", etc., mocking the cadence, circumambulating his words, irrespectively, and he, actually listening with his eyes, figuratively holding a hammer in his heart
>How's my prose
.*
and
?*
pretty good i say
remove the actually and figuratively
listening with his eyes, held a hammer in his heart
>etc
no go, imo, then again i do not write but it´s somewhat distracting from ´the moment´
Too many commas. Reads like someone took a sledgehammer to the sentence.
I like it, but I don't like you showing it off here like it's a contest, especially such a short bit
Go to bed, Hemingway
Fuck off
the more you read it, the worse it gets. pretty shitty
Really bad. Less words famalam
>multiple readings
Big compliment, thanks
He looked at her blankly, not wishing to argue but doing nothing to prevent the row, as she listed his numerous flaws, citing examples with things he had said, mocking his tone, and he, with a face that displayed almost no expression save the hint of humility that could be traced along his brow, answered 'You must not know me very well after all this time: you have missed a great deal many more'.
How's my prose?
He typed, starting from the beginning of his sentence, planning to make it far too long, and with too many commas, mocking the practice of writing altogether, saying "beginning" twice in one sentence, seemingly unable to be concise, looking for validation on 4chins, figuratively being mentally disabled
>how's my prose
>English degree
>critic for populist blog
>too poor and hungry to give a fuck, writes strictly to purge
Nice
>etc
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
stick to comic books and video games kid
drop the etc., you make this big long list of shit and you emphasize it but etc. makes it seem like you should gloss over it
I agree
Lacks flow. There's apparent talent but not that much.
This
Define apparent talent
By talent, I don't necessarily mean natural gift; it is clear that the op has a good vocabulary but he lets it get in the way of reading by overapplying it.
Likewise, he shouldn't be as afraid to break up sentences as he seems to be.
>scathing details
No.
>chronologically
Well, if she started from the beginning what other route could she take?
>beginning with "and then you said"
You just took the flow of the text and threw it on the trash user.
>etc
Holy fucking shit user, how do you actually do this.
>mocking the cadence
Now you're just saying random shit to spend space.
>circumcambulating
What kind of autism possessed you to use such a bad word?
>irrespectively
Throw a fucking dot there, for fuck's sakes.
>actually
no
>listening with his eyes
no
>figuratively
no
>holding a hammer in his heart
no.
I forgot.
>,and he,
no
...
this.
OP, it's bad. Stop watching hentai, and quit anime altogether.
Hah, you can't stop us, faggot.
'beginnings': don't post shit if you can't be bothered to proofread it
'etc.' don't do this ever unless you're quoting someone. why are you even writing if you want the reader to fill in the blanks themselves
'mocking the cadence' should be either 'mocking their cadence' (meaning the words) or 'mocking his cadence' (protag)
'circumambulating' is trying too hard, obviously just wanted to use the word
'irrespectively' usage is unclear. irrespective of what?
'actually listening with his eyes' actually triggered me, the fuck does that even mean.
with your prose you're trying to emulate something that you don't yet have the skill to recreate
fanfic-tier/10
Jellyfish are not only spineless, but shocking to the touch
inconsequential
run on, sentences, you fucking grade schooler, this, flows so badly, i cant fucking, believe it
i like this
Who the fuck talks like that?
It's actually how you create pacing
Not everything flows faggot