ITT: Food legends from your family

>I still really wanna try that sauce though
youtube.com/watch?v=lhc_bXGvmp0

My parents always made it very clear who provided the gifts. There's no Santa nor any of the other mythical gift-giving beings: just mum and dad. And if they're angry with you, you get nothing.
And next time my parents come to visit, which should be for Thanksgiving, I'm gonna tell dad to buy me a sundae to make up for the one he gypped me out of when I was 9. I just realised that I've /still/ never actually had one.

I think you should be more annoyed that they gypped you out of the childlike wonder of really truly believing there was magic in the world

I had plenty of it, just without Santa or sundaes. Not a big deal, really. Except for the sundae. I want my fucking sundae.

Growing up I was told by my brother and nana to take the top part off a banana because that's where spiders lay their eggs

My mum said that every bit of food has left on my plate would be a pimple or scar on my future wife so eat that shut clean

My grandfather used to tell me to eat the crust on my bread if I wanted to grow hair on my chest

My grandmother told us a (what I believe is a) classic : " Don't eat the seeds or a tree will grow in your stomach"

my dad always made up fake people or used celebrities to scare me into not swallowing shit i probably shouldn't have

>don't forget, brad pitt swallowed a plum pit and died
>you remember ole susan fishbones don'tcha? swallowed some fishbones and it poked open her stomach and she died
>marty mc chicken bone choked on a chicken bone and he died
>brandon mc beef didn't chew his beef enough and it got stuck in his airpipe and killed him

My family has a 100+ year old cast iron pot that was used to cook thousands of meals across 4 generations and it's one of our most treasured relics.

When my great grandparents died, their non-financial assets were divided up by the children in one giant poker game that lasted days (there were 9 children).

My grandmother insisted that my grandfather bring home the pot no matter what else and when they died my mother inherited it.

Soup/bolognese/stew cooked in it always tastes better than in a regular pot.

Not sure if these are widespread or just stuff in my family only.
Mum was horrified to learn Ameriniggers eat watermelon with fried chicken because apparently, eating fried food and watermelon at the same meal is bad, but she never gave a reason as to why.

Another of her pearls of food-related wisdom: seafood should never be eaten with greens. Greens constipate. Seafood, if it's not of utmost quality, causes, as my dad would say, pissing out your arse. And if you can't piss out your arse when you have to, it'll just stay inside and make you sick and you die.

If you don't leave a chili and a clove of garlic out of any pack you buy (or harvest, I guess?) out to dry in the kitchen, demons will curse you (apparently, chili and garlic ward off demons). Once dried, I don't know if you can use it or if you throw it away when you get a new pack or what.

Leave any measuring cup empty and open-end up so it will catch good luck for you.

Don't eat garlic before going to church or praying because the messenger angels that hear your prayers and take them to god won't wanna stick around to listen if your breath stinks. Also brush your teeth in general for the same reason.

If a pregnant woman gets an itch while having a craving, her baby will have a birthmark that looks like the thing she's craving.

>tfw dick shaped birthmark

My mom told me this when I was a kid because I didn't like meat very much, but I knew she was joking. When I was 4, my dad told me that because I mostly ate cereal and PB&J sandwiches, I'd grow up to have a pencil neck. I'm now a 6'5"/300lb borderline vegetarian. That said, I'm looking forward to Friday when I get a bacon cheeseburger for lunch.

Forgot to include that in addition to being a big fat fuck, I'm also covered in hair.

Post nudes.

>and hairy
Post them now!

degenerates

You fucking faggot(s).

"Don't swallow bubblegum or I will fist you."

Thanks Dad

whoa

>lying to your kids
>childlike wonder

Moar

I'm not some filthy whore like your mother, shut the fuck up be happy with what you got.

y iz ur fucken nipple all scaly and shit. moisturize u dumb ass (not with mayo).

Because I'm an alcoholic who showers too much and I'm almost constantly dehydrated.

y iz ur typign so bad n shit.read a book n figur out how 2 write u nigger

rick and morty had political opinions present from the start
the new season just sucked at the jokes part of it

would always ask for kinder surprises when i was a kid
parents used to scold me for even asking
>but why? i just want the toy?
>user, the Kinderbird is meant to fly free, and the filthy italians battery farm them for their eggs just so little brats can play with cheap plastic toys
they said the line around the centre of the egg is where they cracked it open to scoop out the chicks
the chicks would be put back into the battery farm to make more Kinderbird eggs for 'little brats'
>what do they taste like?
>horrid, user. like charcoal and milk!
>so YOU'VE tried one!
i would always catch a mean beating for that line, but they fell for it every time
to this day i still wonder if there is even such a thing as a 'Kinderbird'

Dippy drippy tasty soldier eggs.

Post feet.

Just "common sense" stuff like "drinking/eating cold things will give you a cold/sore throat!"

To this day it seems like Slavs never put ice in anything ever, and I'm used to it now after a decade plus of living in Canada. I get culture shock from my own home country when I go back.

My parents tried to be pretty honest with me regarding food though. I was constantly hounded to eat meat because "you'll become anemic if you don't!" I was a little picky because I hated fat and gristle. I did eventually become anemic, causing my grandma to go on a passionate campaign of feeding me chicken hearts and liver whenever possible. I'm no longer anemic though I do have low iron pretty much perpetually. Chicken hearts are still very tasty. I should get a pack one of these days.

>non-financial assets were divided up by the children in one giant poker game that lasted days
This is going straight to my testament.

fuck off

>Soup/bolognese/stew cooked in it always tastes better than in a regular pot.
I hate to be the bear of bad news but If I cooked the same meal in your speshul pot and in a basic bitch pot I bought at a store out of your sight so you wouldn't know which is which you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. You're like a wine snob.

>Food legends
Food is food and you ate what was put in front of you.

This must be some European thing.

>eating the fat on meat is good for your "coat" (hair)

Tooth Fairy is more believable than fucking Santa
>hurr fly around the world in 7-8 hours visiting every house

>the bear of bad news

Speed of light

When my dad was cooking an egg sandwich he would press down on it with spatula and it would make a squealing sound as the steam or whatever escaped. I asked him what that noise was, and he told me it was the chickens screaming in pain because they were burning to death.

Milan?

you go, girl

>eat the crust on my bread if I wanted to grow hair on my chest

that's odd, my grandmother use to tell my brother and I that if we ate the crust of the bread then it would snow. Are there other grandparent/bread crust legends out there?

Chink detected

my mom would say the same thing but specifically meant for dogs. I think what she said was feeding our dogs the fat from steak or pork chops would give them a shiny coat.

na na lan

to be fair he has a good 24 hour time period. making his way west, starting with japan and the pacific islands.

48 hours, actually, taking advantage of time zones. If he starts at the IDL and travels west, Santa would have two full days to deliver presents.
But still, with the global Christian population being 2.2 billion and assuming a family size of four people, he'd have to make 3143 delivers a second to get the job done.

The friction resulting from moving at such a speed would cause Santa to burst into flames, turning Rudolf and company into meteorite-like flashes of heat and light, screaming across the night sky. And with his caloric density due to his subcutaneous adipose, Santa may very well burn for quite some time. So no: that is not a solution.
However! Are you familiar with relativity? According to Einstein's theory, time functions at different rates for observers moving relative one.
A physicist at Cardiff University discovered a solution of general relativity roughly analogous to Star Trek's warp drive. His name is Miguel Alcubierre. To go deeper into pop culture, Futurama used his solution to describe how the Planet Express ship travels through space. That is by artificially contracting and expanding spacetime. By doing the same, Santa and his reindeer can travel at the speed needed to deliver his presents (relative the Earth, anyway) while simultaneously remaining stationary within their own bubble of space. Even this, however, isn't doable because of conservation of energy. It would require massive amounts of energy to accomplish, tens of billions of times more energy than is available in the observible universe and as the theory of conservation of energy states, energy can neither be created nor destroyed so Santa is SoL here, too.

Not food per se but my mom always said you could only go to Chuck E Cheese when it was someone's birthday.

>The friction resulting from moving at such a speed would cause Santa to burst into flames, turning Rudolf and company into meteorite-like flashes of heat and light, screaming across the night sky. And with his caloric density due to his subcutaneous adipose, Santa may very well burn for quite some time. So no: that is not a solution.
You forget an important fact about Santa though. He's fucking magic.

No. Your forgetting Clarke's third law: any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic (to those lacking knowledge of that technology). No. Rather, I posit that Santa Claus has access to quantum technologies rendering him capable of existing at many points in spacetime using the superposition principle of quantum mechanics.

You're^^, rather.

And I say Santa is a meme.

>Your forgetting Clarke's third law
How can I forget about something that I never knew of?

For me, it's Marty McChicken.

>No. Your forgetting Clarke's third law
>"Laws" from laymen.
Pseuds everyone!

>clarke's opinion on speculative fiction shouldn't be taken into account because he's a laymen to the sciences
lolwut
Do you think laws apply exclusively to science? Better not tell Godwin, Hanlon, Gerson, Betteridge or Gibson then.
Actually, let me invoke Godwin's law right now, you fucking Nazi.

Don't pick up a baby carrot out of a dish and then put it back, because it's mother will smell you and will reject it

>Godwin
Holy fucking pseud lol.

>and while it was clever, the target demographic were all pot smoking retards that missed the point and would dude wut lmao at it
what exactly was the point dude

Just to be an absurdist parody of those old-ass made for public school educational film reels.

>Don't stare at the microwave or you'll get radiation/go blind

My mom always told me not to swallow gum because it takes 10 years to digest

>Don't take the tab off the soda, you'll choke on it or cut open your lip

My dad did something similar with dippy eggs.

He would crush the bottom and stick his dick inside like an onahole, but he would make me put my mouth on the other end and swallow the goopies he made come out. He said this is how new eggs were made and whenever I slept at night he would come in and pull eggs out of my belly button to eat for breakfast that morning before waking me up.

What the hell is a dippy egg?

Mine said it would cause a knot it my stomach

He's seen it, but still doesn't understand what it is. Must be Amerishart.

I knew it had to be a euro thing because only you pansies give such pussy-like, childish names to things

childish name? Like smores and puff dogs.

technically not wrong. You can't digest gum, but if you swallow it then it will just pass normally and undigested
there have been cases where people ate too much gum and have gotten bowel obstructions however, but that would take quite a lot

We had a really lame joke in our family, where you'd empty your soft boiled egg, then flip it over so it looks like a new one.
Then you'd offer it to someone on the table, asking "do you want another egg?", they have to accept, crack it open and then act overly surprised when it's empty. Kek
How silly. But it's still funny.

because they are children
oi m8 avin a tinny wif ya eggy n sarnie at brekky ar ya?
the fucks a puff dog?

There is a supermarket in US that sells little hot dogs wrapped in puff pastry. They call them puff dogs. In UK, sausages or sausage meat wrapped in puff pastry is called a sausage roll. Puff dog just sounds like a gay rapper.

It's Trader Joes.

Yeah. My grandmother told me the same thing

"tinny" is Ozzie speak.

It's called a Soldier in Britain

How underage are you, holy shit?

kek pretty close

I do know a couple of those tho

If the whole population was like you, culture wouldn't exist at the profit of optimisation

Like the Chinese really

>hear ice cream van jingle
>"that's just the coal lorry user"

>dippy eggs

It's boiled egg and toast soldiers

What if I boiled it for 10 minutes? Still a boiled egg, but you can't dip your soldiers. Hence, dippy egg.

That's pigs in a blanket you fag

pigs in blankets are sausages wrapped in bacon. Invented long before Amerisharts stole the name and used it for something else. Amerisharts seem to have a habit of doing this. Are they ashamed that they do not have their own language? You will find English has been around a lot longer than your country.

Then you wouldn't need the toast soldiers would you ya pinhead

Then what would I dip in the egg ya twat.

You wouldn't need anything to dip in if you booked an egg for 10 minutes ya buffoon

not even a spoon?

uhhhhh?