Does anyone hear write super short stories or poetry?

Does anyone hear write super short stories or poetry?

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I am trying to get better at writing short poems. I am not very got but they help with my grasp of english figures of speak

We danced in the back room
With a broken disco ball for a moon
And artichokes for hearts
Pretty tough until were baked
I got on the pink line at 3 a.m
And made it to the liquor store by 3 o’ five
All the guys out front tried to sell us kill
But we had enough death in a bottle
For the two of us

i'll start

baby condoms

For sale: >tfw gf, never used

Here's a short one I did a few weeks ago. It just came to me as an idea so I thought I'd give it a try:

pastebin.com/6HvXG37S

This was really nice.

The glow of the fire line was so simple yet painted such a vivid picture in my mind

The end was wonderful, lol.

Thanks man. I'll admit I didn't think it was going to be that good after I finished it, but it's good to know at least someone's enjoyed it.

I'm not even sure how I could expand or rework on it, it just feels too self-contained as a scene to change.

I'm impressed. The prose is very solid, and doesn't feel like an attempt to mimic an older dialect. At the same time it's easy to visualize and the syntax doesn't get in the way. (Sometimes odd/old dialects can be a hinder.)

i liked it too. the only thing that bothered me a bit was that it was repetitive. we know their names. we know they are 3.
other than that, i'd read this book.

I think this was qt, user. Not my favorite choice of words or probably your best work, but you have potential. I really liked it.

Many Thank yous to you friend!

re: which words would you recommend changing/sound more natural?

For sale: enemies, only one left. Two if counting god.

Holy......

I will never be a good husband, but I will pretend.
I will pretend to like your family when you introduce them, I will pretend to dislike them when you are mad at them.
I will pretend to enjoy your writing, and pretend to care about it when you ask for critique.
I will pretend to understand why you are irritated, pretend to acknowledge my faults, pretend to change.
I will pretend to love you.
I revere you, for without you I wouldn't pretend, and without pretending I would be nothing.

i've been trying to into poetry lately because i make music and i would like to incorporate lyrics in some instances.

i thinks it's still pretty crude, and i'm a little worried that the symbolism is too cliche, but honest feedback on these two would be greatly appreciated.

1:
when I leave my garden
I won’t see flowers grow
Or twisted brambles burying
the seeds that I have sewn
but distance breeds indifference
beating hearts will slow
and as the earth reclaims her soil
I shouldn’t care to know

2:
i emerge from the tangle of trees
into a clearing
moonlit canopies disperse
i drop my burden and move with ease
with the subtle currents of the universe
as my feet dissolve
my vision expands
singular points converge
into a panoramic view
now i clearly see her
my roots are firmly planted
they dig down into the earth
but i grow equally upwards
towards the stars with this rebirth
from my vantage point i wonder
why i choose to live in dust
then i’m reminded of my hunger
and the chill of the night’s gust
my body beckons to me
so i trace the silver chord
return the way i came
into the thicketed discord

i like this a lot. the metaphors are clever and the tone of it is very bukowski-esque

this one is a bit narcissistic for my taste. also, the whole doom and gloom thing can be nice, but imo it has to be done with subtlety, something that this lacks

The lines were long again. Loads of people milling behind one another, all with different reasons for coming, but all united in that they seeked help at the desk. The desk stretched both tall and wide, with mini cubicles built along it for workers to stand behind, but somehow they always seemed understaffed.

On bad days, they only had one or two workers running things, even if you happened to crane your head back as you peered into the back and saw the masses and multitudes of people walking back and forth as they chattered away peacefully.

On good days? On good days, only a third of the cubicles would be filled, and that’s still the peak of the good days. That would be one of the best days, never mind the average run-of-the-mill days. They just never seem to have enough staff that help out.

The more and more that you stand there, anxiously tapping your foot as you wait ever so patiently. The more you notice things. The more that you notice that some people talk in groups and exchange their forms and papers and ask if they had done it correctly, or ask what the others would do. The more you notice the other long desks that border the interior of the room accessible to the public, with banners above that designate which division they are under the Department.

“How long have you been waiting?” Someone from behind you asks as they tap you on the shoulder to catch your attention.

“Awhile,” you sigh as you turn around and add, “I got something in the mail and came in to finalize it.”

“Do you have it with you?” They ask politely as you observe the quiet dread in their eyes as they do anything to stave off the crippling boredom from the wait.

“No, I should remember the contents well enough.” You say as you wave your hand and laugh a little self-assured laugh.

“What about your forms?” They ask puzzled at why someone would come into the Department with only the invoice, and not even bring that with them.

“I decided to wait around and come here to work through them.” You answer as you smile with only a flash of annoyance. You got this, why can’t this stranger understand that?

Then something catches your eyes, someone walked around the massive lines and instead walked up to a set of double doors. They scan a card and are immediately granted access. You immediately ask the stranger what all of that was about.

“Oh that? Those are for appointments. It’s more efficient than just walking in, or waiting for them to send you things in the mail.”

“How do you set one up?” You ask curiously.

“You arrange it beforehand, and come at the same time every day you’re scheduled. One missed day, or cancellation and you have to start over. They are very strict about it.” The stranger explains and then fades into silence.

“Excuse me, you’re up!” One of the employees call out, and you rush forward.

“Hello, what may I do for you?” The employee says in their millionth repetition of the greeting.

“I got something in the mail.”

“Do you have it with you?” The employee asks as irritations crosses their features for a second.

“Nope. I thought you would know something about it, after all… it did come from here.” You say with a small laugh as you are suddenly dazzled about the dream of the future when the account is settled, and someone will take it up and you’ll be wealthy.

“You didn’t even write it down?” They’re definitely annoyed now, you don’t understand why. This is their job, isn’t it?

“No, why would I? I can remember perfectly well enough.”

“Fine! Then what was the invoice about?”

“It was about a grand adventure with pirates.” You answer as you nod your head with a wide grin affixed to your face.

“Okay. Now are you in the right division? That isn’t specific enough for me to help you. You really should have brought the invoice with you.”

“What do you mean, the right division?”

“Look up.” The employee commands with forced patience of having to suffer the same fate thousands and thousands of times per day. “Do you see that banner? The one that says, ‘WRITING’?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well this is the Writing Division. Over there is Art. Over there is Photography. Over there is Comics. Do I need to go on?” They say as they point to each division as they list them.

“Oh. What’s your point?”

“My point is, that your invoice could belong to any one of these divisions, and countless more. If you like, you could fill out a new form and submit for a new invoice and account in the division of your choice.”

“Is this not the Department of Muses, or not?!” You snap in annoyance and continue on in a rant and a tirade. “Shouldn’t I be able to get by with just what you send me? And create the next best thing whenever I feel like it without all this hassle?”

“It is, and it is recommended that an appointment is made beforehand. If that is all, please fill out the forms for what account you desire and then someone will be happy to you help you out properly. Have a good day.”

my dick; it fell off.

youtube.com/watch?v=VDss8V2OME4

Good job, user. It's nice to see good writers on Veeky Forums. It reminds me of Jane Austen and Patrick O'Brian.
I think you show raw potential. It's a bit rough, but I like the overall effect of it. Based on your style, I recommend reading Virgil and John Clare.

>I think you show raw potential. It's a bit rough, but I like the overall effect of it.
thanks a lot user.
>Based on your style, I recommend reading Virgil and John Clare.
awesome. i've actually never heard of either before. i'll definitely check them out.

not a huge fan of the rhyme. Pound says don't fill a line with junk just so you can reach that end-rhyme word. but i feel this is what you have done quite a bit here. also, your diction sounds very stiff because of the overlaid meter.

consider L2-3, flowers and brambles are supposed to be parallel, but flowers takes an infinitive (for rhyme) while brambles takes a present participle. this is jarring. and then the last line of 1 just cuts off at know (again for rhyme), which doesn't work well as an intransitive. know what?

from you poems i get the sense that you understand yourself too well, and so like a lot of beginners you write almost entirely descriptively in the anticipation that your readers will know exactly what you want to convey. but pure description is vague. what do you mean "i choose to live in dust," or "i'm reminded of my hunger?" these lines invoke concepts that are not supported by the rest of the poem. they don't pull any weight. i think poems need to speak, and yours right now are mumbling.

yeah i definitely need to work on tempo and rhyme structure. and you're right, they're sort of vague.

both poems are pretty conceptual so there was thought there, but i guess it's just not very clear.

>know what?
that poem is about moving away from somewhere i've lived for 4 years and being concerned with what will happen to the world i'm leaving and the relationships that i built with the people there. the last line is basically supposed to say that i shouldn't care about this stuff because i'll be gone, and the world i'm leaving will go on naturally without me.

>what do you mean "i choose to live in dust,"?
that one's about meditation and finding spiritual transcendence. buddhists call the physical world "the world of dust."
>or "i'm reminded of my hunger?"
my hunger and the cold gust are representative of earthly problems related to my body.