What are the funniest things you ever read on Veeky Forums?

The threads with fake ending lines like, "and only then did he begin to grasp the true extent of the sound and the fury"
"In the end, it was the world itself that provided the biggest, nay the infinite, jest"
"And that was the story of three kooky Russians I like to call the brothers karamazov"

The ongoing saga of the user trying to get his fuckhuge memoirs published. It might have all been bullshit, but it sure was entertaining.

>uncottered fistulas of groaning osnaburg and kelp

Lmao

Some screencap of an user who was writing a short story and had never written anything before in his life. It was from the perspective of a "tfw to intelligent" character on a date with a girl. part of it went like

>girl says something about a soccer ball
>MC snorts to himself, then begins laughing
>"ball? soccer BALL? it's a truncated isocahedron of course!"

Post warosu links pls

Pynchons my fav writer for sure because my fav thing in books is goofs, gags, jokes and rambunctious behavior, and his books are full to the brim of it. Every novel is like one of those novelty snake cans, you open the book & POP you get a face fulla snakes and you fall back cackling. The mad mind, the crack genius, to do it! and then you think hmmm whats he gonna do next, this trickster, and you pick the book back up and BZZZZZZZZZZ you get a shock and Hahahahahah you've been pranked again by the old pynchmeister, that card. "Did that Pynch?" he says, laughing yukyukyukyuk. Watch him as he shoves a pair of plastic buck teeth right up into his mouth and displays em for you- left, right, center- "you like dese? Do i look handsome???" Pulls out a mirror. "Ah!" Hand to naughty mouth. And you're on your ass again laughing as he snaps his suspenders, exits stage right, and appears again hauling a huge golden gong.

this will forever be my favorite.

Non-native speaker here.
Do you guys actually understand this?

There was a thread about "reading tips" and some user posted that he microwaves his books for 30 seconds before he reads them so that they're nice and warm

It's stupid but it caught me off guard and I laughed about it for days afterwards

I want to be ontologicool's little baby tampon boy. i want to turn into a little crying baby and then suck on her breasts. her magic breast milk would turn me into a little baby tampon boy. she would stick me into her hoo-hoo and i would wait with anticipation spouting little baby goo-goo ga-gas waiting for her to bleed all over me. i want to feel her ontologicool's blood inside my little goo-goo ga-ga baby tampon body. i want to absorb her hoo-hoo juices inside my little baby tampon boy body and goo-goo ga-ga like a little rolly-polly baby boy. it would be orgasmic to know i am one with her hoo-hoo blood and i would giggle and goo-goo ga-ga and yelp with little baby boy excitement as i roll around in her ontologicool hoo-hoo and revel in her red juices, slurping them into my soft little baby tampon boy goo-goo ga-ga body. then i want her to pull me out and squeeze and wring my little baby tampon boy body so that her ontologicool hoo-hoo blood and juices spill all over her face. it would hurt and i would scream in pained goo-goo ga-gas as pain envelops my little baby tampon boy body until i reach full climax and turn back into grown human man.

10/10 thread

Kafka died in 1924

10 more years barely reaches Hitler and you still have another 10 until the showers...

This thread

warosu.org/lit/thread/S6940194

the "husserl scholar working at mcdonald's" pasta

Mostly.

user this is a laughs thread not a crying thread.

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someone made a thread with this image, with points like >shitty worldview, >awful writing, >only liked by immature retards

And then they said "Nietzsche is shit, pic unrelated". I don't know, I got a real kick out of it

A guy who fantasised about being cut into very thin slices had little to fear from the Nazis.

Yeah, it's easy if you've read Joyce.

It's mainly just imagery anyway

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I had forgotten that, god bless you.

I once saw a screen cap of a paragraph.
One of the sentences was "what blood! what shit!
It was the funniest thing I have ever seen on the internet.
I have not seen it since.
please help me

Pasta of DFW talking to Charlie Rose describing how he keeps making nervous gestures and saying stuff that doesn't make sense then self-consciously asking if it makes sense and then finally giving up and admitting he doesn't know what he's talking about. Oh, man. The saddest part is I went and scanned through that whole interview again because I thought it was real and the user was actually transcribing what happened... but alas, it was not. Anyone got that btw?

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Holy shit I missed that

I'm not entirely sure but I'm periodically saving shit from Veeky Forums onto a .txt file.
There's some real gems there that I'm going to steal/repurpose for my works.

Post samples.

Deliver senpai

can you actually describe what was in the paragraph?

I don't know if these are funny to you but they are to me, extremely so.

>[...]
>while reciting the qt transaction performer smiles politely
>"that's nice but we meant 'classic' as in a work from antiquity, not the broader sense of the word"
>everyone in the store laughs at me
>get banned from all bookstores and vaginas

...

>woman (emphasis on the 'man')

same

You see this is the way you filthy marxists faggots try to win debates against us. You build ideological structures on foundations of clay and then try to bait us into arguing against said structure. You confuse your adversaries by stating prepositions so obviously false that makes them mad and then you declare that you've won because you've hit a criteria that has been conveniently enstablished by some zionist communist. what you are doing right now is trying to produce a red herring to avoid confronting the main topics of /pol/ head on. Why are you so scared of opening you ears and listen to us? If it is true that your ideology wasn't the product of century long marxist propaganda you wouldn't be so inclined to defend would you? What's the matter, did I hurt your feelings? Well get used to it, because the world isn't a magical land of ponies and rainbow. This reminds me of another thing that I despise immensely about Veeky Forums. it's subverted gayness. You can read in between the lines of the threads here that there is a systematic brainwashing that has rendered the modern man more feminine and prone to irrational thoughts. The way people pretend to be so devoted to reading some cuck-tier novels because they want to "feel" more just fucking disgusts me. Are you really so immature that you cannot have an objective point of view? Fuck off.

All of Pessoa-chan's threads had me laughing especially his pizzabox NEET manifesto one.

AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Every FUCKING day with these STUPID fucking MEMES! I've had it up to HERE with stupid fucking memes! You guys make me want to KILL MYSELF! Is that what you fucking want? For me to fucking KILL MYSELF and write on my suicide note "Cause of suicide: Couldn't handle all of the stupid fucking memes, killed myself"? Because that's what it might as well fucking say!
You guys are literally, L I T E R A L L Y incapable of having even the SIMPLEST of fucking discussion without "MEME THIS, MEME THAT, PROBABLY VOLTAIRE, HERE'S A POORLY SHOPPED PIC OF EPIC FAIL DFW FUCKING UP, LMAO HYPERSPHERE 2 NOT ANNOUNCED YET, LE GRAVITY'S RAINBOW XD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EBIN AMIRITE?" Fucking STOP IT you pathetic fucking FAGGOTS, you are such fucking cancer that I cannot even fathom how you fucking scumbags live your dumb gay lives. Don't you have a job to get to, schoolwork to finish or a family to attend to? Do you literally do ANYTHING productive with your lives other than post stupid fucking memes? You fucking people make me sick and you're damn lucky I don't have any of your fucking addresses you fucking pieces of shits. I'd spit in your faces.

That letter that Joyce is supposed to have written to his wife and it's this hilarious description of her ass and farts. It's not even that badly written. The descriptions are pretty eloquent.

In this debut novel, the multi-talented Georg Hegel gives an edge-of-your-seat, no-holds-barred, rip-roaring ride through the dark and mysterious caverns of the criminal mind. This romp-em-stop-em tale traces the journey of a strapping, curious, yet fickle young man named Spirit (Geist in the original German) as his godlike intelligence leads him from the rough-and-tumble, animalistic mean streets of an unknown Caribbean island, through the French Revolution, to the clean and well-ordered cities of present-day Japan. (For a fuller account of the book's enigmatic conclusion, plus some alternate endings and commentary, see Alexandre Kojève's stunning compendium.) Many readers may know Georg Hegel as a humble high-school teacher and occasional babysitter, but make no mistake: Hegel is a masterful storyteller. In the Phenomenology of Spirit (popularly called P.O.S.), he thrills us with the twists and turns of a deeply complex character's development, stopping on the way to wow us with fights-to-the-death, to illuminate the perils and attraction of religious fanaticism, and even to weigh the pros and cons of arcana such as phrenological metaphysics and systematic racism. Like so many of our best novels, Hegel's narrative is of course completely implausible, yet even when the story stretches the bounds of believability, its constant movement from one point of view to another—followed so often by a graceful synthesis of the two—makes Hegel's P.O.S. one of the best reads of 2007.

A dead white European male was teaching a class on English literature, known tool of imperialist oppression.
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship King Leopold II, greatest monarch the world has ever known, even greater than James Monroe!”

At this moment, a black, female, transgendered, cis-hetero-homoflexible Latino transvestite man who has over 20,000 Tweets and 12,000 Tumblr posts stood up and held up a novel.

“What is this book?”

The professor smirked oppressively and smugly replied “Heart of Darkness, by Polish-British writer Joseph Conrad, an intelligent and insightful study of the primitive mind of the African peoples.”

“Wrong. The book is a racist and oppressive piece of propaganda designed to dehumanize the proud peoples of the African continent. Conrad is a bigot. If the book truly had merit as you claimed, Oprah would’ve reviewed it on her show already.”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and Iron Cross. He stormed out of the room crying those DWEM crocodile tears.

The students applauded and all registered Marxist that day and accepted Martin Luther King Jr. as their lord and savior. An okapi pounced into the room and stood next to a south-up map centered around Africa. The students joined hand in hand and sang Toto’s Africa several times, and Jesse Jackson, king of all black people, showed up to enact affirmative action across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He was beaten to death with yams by villagers and was tossed into the Sahara desert for all eternity.

That student’s name? Chinua Achebe.

Hakuna Matata.

I was a-lickin' and a-suckin' the cleft of a voluptuous Deutsche undergrad and durin' the course me's lips mumbled a simple inquiry on Proustian rigamorale and the shrew had a bloody freakin' clam at me. Fuckin' simian IQs lackin' temperance for anythang minute, and they 'ave no patience fer nuttin'.

those last two lines made the pasta

Also related about Pynch, "this ain't your grandpa's literature" and "the image of a man falling into a toilet will have you howling at the moon" or whatever it was.

im laughing at your second hand account of this, so

Hah, I should see it no surprise to see this reply here. Is this Sebastian?

You really are a kid you know that? A weak little pussy faggot dilettante who likes to hear himself speak, who knows nothing about anything, and who first and for most would like to be respected and regarded as a well read intellectual without actually being a well read intellectual.

In all honesty, as I have pointed out, I really am not [i]that[/i] intellectual. It is only that the masses, even on this board, are, in a word, idiots. If you read the complete works of the following you should be well on your way to becoming an intellectual. Yes, even you if it is you, Sebastian.

Epic of Gilgamesh
Homer
Plato
Virgil
The Bible (I almost wanted to not put this on the list, but it is important to know what's wrong to know what's right - see what Derrida says about Blue and Red, et al)
Dante
Kant
Schopenhauer
Kierkegaard
Nietzsche (also an underrated composer)
Dostoyevsky (the greatest writer since Socrates)
Joyce
Proust
Camus
Sartre
Barthes
Derrida
Wallace

I hardly think that any of these names need introducing or explaining. As for the rest of you imbeciles, it is your prerogative not mine to expand your narrow vocabularies. I'm going to go read now and you nimrods should too. You're a literary weakling, you don't know who you're up against.

-A

A dualist plato scholar philosophy professor and designer of hydroelectric power stations was teaching a class on René Descartes, known metaphysician ”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Descartes and accept that his "cogito ergo sum" is the most self-evident idea in the history of humanity, even more evident than "panta rei"!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, deep ecologist heideggerian traditional farmer who had written over 1500 papers on the ontological difference and understood the necessity of a new german beggining for western philosophy and fully supported all hermeutization of ontology spoke:

”What is that by terms of which this rock can be said to exist, pinhead?”-he said in a 19th century rural dialect of german

The arrogant professor smirked quite modernly and smugly replied “matter, you stupid postmodernist”

”Wrong. Matter is just an a posteriori theoretical understanding of reality. If its Being, as you say, is a metaphysical substance… then its Being is a being ”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Discourse on the Method. He stormed out of the room crying those dualist crocodile tears. The same tears modernists cry for the “res cogitans” when they jealously try to claw wonder from the world by making it an standing-reserve of resources. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Aristotle Spinoza, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic nihilist. He wished so much that he could experience aletheia, but he himself had created metaphysical cages that prevented Being from showing itself!

The students applauded and all enroled in the university of Freiburg that day and accepted historicity and finitudeas the defining characteristics of human existance. An eagle named “Ereignis” flew into the room and perched atop the portrait of Friederich Nietzsche and shed a tear on the chalk. Sein und Zeit was read several times, and Being itself was disclosed and propagated authenticity and existential dread throughout the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died after being ran over by a motorized fleet of agricultural machinery and nothing happened to him after that because being-towards-death is a condition of possibility for experience.

>taking a shit while high on mescaline
>ate like four delissio pizzas in the last 24 hours
>giant log of poop sliding out of my asshole like a train with an angry face painted on it barreling out of a spooky tunnel
>infinitely aware of every single democritean hypergonal atom of every cell in my body and every subtly wavering tile on the bathroom floor, mckenna's elves dancing and turning in every shaft of light
>feel the gritty sensation of every single subtle perturbation of my shit log interacting with every single nerve ending in the ring of my anus
>my mind instantly forms a colourless featureless space-filling kantian void image of the event, like daredevil ben affleck fighting a shitty criminal
>in my altered state become aware of the succession of my own conscious states, a layer cake of thought piling up before me
>watch as if from a distance as my mind heuristically overlays onto the 3D darklit turd model an ideological interpretation formed from a combination of a priori instinct and social mores, seamlessly integrated into a perfect synthesis through empirical experience
>witness the pure ideology of my own act of shitting
>realise i am satisfied with the expulsion of waste on a base primal level in the depths of my unconscious, already tinging it with values i did not choose but which were chosen for me by my ancestors' anal experiences
>realise that this raw instinctive valuation is gradually integrated into framework acceptable to my socially formed intellect as it rises and bobs to the surface of my demi-conscious mind, taking on new shades of meaning on its gentle journey from the deep
>witness in concatenation the projection of dozens of introjected drives, my delumeauvian guilt culture denying the freudian anal expulsive joy of hedonistic shitting, my subtle anglo-saxon retentiveness and utilitarianism forcing me to control and subdue the pleasure even as i allow myself to experience it
>the log passes but i already feel another one loading into the chamber, i am already voyaging deeper into my ass and my mind, into the inner colon
>look at the clock
>only 21 seconds have passed since last check
>never have delissio again

...

A japanese hosso monk and zen master was teaching a class on Lao Ze, known riddler

”Before the class begins, you must adopt a meditation stance and reverence Lao Ze and accept that he was the most enlightened being the world has ever known, even greater than Heraclitus!”

At this moment, a brave, phenomenologist, continental German philosopher who had published over 1500 papers on hermeneutics and understood the necessity of an ontological characterization of human beings and fully supported all deconstruction of metaphysical thinking stood up and held up a rock.

”Does this rock have buddha nature?”

The arrogant professor smirked and smugly replied “mu, you stupid Westerner”

”Wrong. An existential analysis of the rock reveals that it has no language and therefore it is not opened to the disclosure of Being . If it was neither Dasein or not Dasein and its ontological nature, as you say, was indeterminate… then its rock-Being should be a concern to it!”

The monk was visibly shaken, and dropped his bonsai and copy of Tao te Ching. He stormed out of the room reciting those obsolete buddhist sutras. The same sutras buddhists recite for the “souls of the deceased” when they jealously try to devalue responsibility over their finitude from the deserving authentic Daseins. There is no doubt that at this point our monk, Gautama Boddhidarma, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic onto theological thinker. He wished so much that he had a non metaphysical characterization of truth to reconstruct his ontology over a groundless ground, but he himself had petitioned against it!

The students applauded and all registered with the university of Freiburg that day and accepted Nietzsche as the last and greatest western crypto metaphysician. An eagle named “Ereigenis” flew into the room and perched atop an ancient oak and shed a tear on the now standing reserve of timber. The Ister was read several times, and Being itself showed up and spread existential angst across the country.

The monk lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the technocratic plague nihilism and was tossed into the impossibility of possibilities for eternity.

Ex nihilo omnia
p.s. It rests by changing.

This desu

user 1: Good job you fucked up. Stirner wouldn't even say "your house." Everything is automatically mine. There is no 'your'. Fucking get it right.

user 2: jesus christ. did this guy actually put his words into action though? did he live the way he wrote about?

user 1: As far as I recall, he did in fact refuse to pay rent for like a few years before he died. So yeah.

user 2: Why didnt they evict him?

user 3: Because it was his property

It seemed like an excerpt from a bdsm story. I think the guy getting whipped was named Eugene.

I think this my favorite spin on this copypasta ever. Thanks

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'what's with the afro'

i-is he m-me?

i love u Veeky Forums

The great Veeky Forums rap battle. I can only find part of it online.

The internet was a mistake

I took a vocabulary test and it said my vocabulary might have as many as 70 000 words and I didn't even understand it

10/10

thanks

The "stop using language" thread. Pic related.

It began as a joke, then a furious debate about whether language constructs reality, then dozens of "whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain silent" comments, and then spiraled into madness.

topkek ever since that thread this picture fucks me up

Post the part?
If it mentions Blastoise that was definitely me

Bump this thread had some gems

you've probably seen this one

On /pol/ or /tv/, that could have flown. Could have impressed a few passersby. On Veeky Forums? Our shitposting levels are a little high. We've got strict standards, see. Writers and the like. It's all or nothing around here, kid. You're in or you're out. Judging by your post? You're out. With my help? Hell, let's just say I can get you in. I've got experience in these things. A whole arsenal of experience. I've got experience up to my sleeves. Hell, let's all or /tv/, that could have impressed a few passersby. On Veeky Forums? Our shitpost? You're out. Judging around here, kid. You're in the like. It's just say I can get you're out. Judging levels are a little high. We've got standards, see. Writers and the like. It's just say I can get you're out. Judging by you're out. With my help? Hell, let's all or /tv/, that could have flown. Could have impressed a few passersby. On /pol/ or /tv/, that could have impressed a few passersby. On /pol/ or you're out. On /little around have flown. Could have flown. It's just standards, see. I've impressersby. On /little high. With my sleeves. On /pol/ or /tv/, that could here, kid. You're out. Writersby. On /little high. With my help? Hell, let's all of experience up to my help? Hell, let's all or you in things. On /pol/ or /tv/, the like. I've got strict say I can get you in these that could have got experience impressers andards, see. I've got experience up to my help? Hell, let's just standards, see. It's arse

Not counting raids and the like this is the best thing this site has produced.

Honestly this might be pleb but we had a faceapp thread and people kept posting goofy pictures of like classic philosophers smiling and I just fucking cried laughing man

I need to get in on that support group.

Blood Meridian is a literary desert you travel in order to be highbrow, is the boiled down essence of it.

Everything else is just hilariously aping mccarthy's style.

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Yeah they're good, they still get posted occasionally

This thread, starting about halfway through:
warosu.org/lit/thread/S5320900#p5321340

It starts out innocently enough as a stupid thread about what kind of clothing Veeky Forumsizens wear, but after I began participating it quickly devolved into discussions of the feasability of accidentally sitting in your testicles and methods of ass-wiping and how you get your dick outta your pants to take a piss (turned out a lot more people stand to wipe and pull their dick out over the top of their pants than I would have thought).

Whelp, I can file that under shit I will never un-see, right next to the arrow in FedEx and the moonwalking bear in that awareness test video.

why the fuck is this happening

the plato one is hilarious

>I took a vocabulary test and it said my vocabulary might have as many as 70 000 words
that's pretty much average

Post, pls

Did anybody screenshot the response to an "is it any good?" thread regarding Heart of Darkness?

Thank you so much. The best are Plato, Nabokov and Zizek

gravity's rainbow. its catch-22, only spiked with the best drug you ever took. its a wild ride on a flower power chopper down the highway to hell. if you partake of the marijuana, youre gonna want to pick this book up. if you dont partake... then you HAVE TO PICK IT UP. it's what the doc ordered. i couldnt believe i was reading high literature the whole time i was reading gravitys rainbow. i was like, THIS is what literary critics think is good? now this i can get down to lol. just to give you a taste: the setting is extremely serious (war), but while all the serious war is happening, lots of - shall we say - less serious things are happening: a pie fight, a giant octopus, a man goes right down into the toilet to escape being raped by black guys. and those are just a few of the bits of über-rand0m that you're going to find in there. it was like an episode of tim and eric but somehow even more random and absurd. and the names of the characters were insane. it was a wild ride, like the best drug you ever took. only swallow this pill: it's a BOOK. i love it when my books are "on something," like a drug yuhknow? for like example, blood meridian is faulkner on acid. you read other war books and they dont seem to be "on" anything. then you read pynchon and its like whoa whoa whoa whoa hold on, hold on, did this guy just do what he think he did? oh yeah. he did. he took those retarded books and put them ON something yuhknow like a drug. he put them on freaking acid, boom, you take it three times youre insane, legally, and pynchon is obv obv obv insane in the freekin membrain. this is world war 2 the way they DIDNT teach you it in school. semper high, man.

It's a hard as nails book. You are not ready. But on the other hand, it's funny as all hell and will have you howling at the moon at the image of a man going down a toilet. So Pynchons got the high-brow covered, but he's also a man of the people. Seriously, the humor in the book is so random it makes Adult Swim look like Tolstoy. There are so many moments where you have to put the book down and go "OK! ok! no way did pynchon just make that happen, that is TOO random." All this is to say that pynchon is NOT your grandfather's literature. There's no silk bookmark to hold your place here. This. Is. Pynchon. *kicks you into a toilet*

Who is the dude with a gigantic chin on the right with the blue background?
"It is perhaps at once chilling and awful"

I love that writing.

I think you mean Howard Philips Lovecraft, user

>> 9739167
Thanks. You just made my day. And Amazon is going to deliver GR to me in a matter of hours.

>What are the funniest things you ever read on Veeky Forums?
my diary desu

gets me every time

>he doesn't understand it

I liked the combination of the picture and the text.