>A pitter patter batter pancake mix drips in drops on the splattered stove top burning fire from gas through wires and walls and tall doors separating maple wood floors from the kitchen and the red afghan spread opposite the ceiling chandelier dining room where it lays woven in intricate patterns scattered in symmetry, pancakes bubbling and burning imagery pussy feining and itching his scrotum before turning over the flap jacks on the stove top and eagerly waiting to eat pancakes and then jerk off up stairs where no one cares anymore besides no one occupies any of the floors anymore the place is haunted by friends whose names he didn't know anymore and this was no home but a joke where he brings whores to choke and fuck and throw out like his pasty plastic plate covered in generic maple syrup and small pieces of crumbs and kerrygold butter what a summer it's been so far, with dad so far, "I've been fucking like a pornstar" he says to himself oblivious to how worthless he feels himself not to mention the creeping suspicion on this whole business of Self because he's had much better luck when he pretended a self to get what he wanted and he would do anything to get what he wanted as long as he was never questioned what he wanted for getting what he wanted was enough to hide from the fact that he never could or would understand why he wanted what he wanted, taking cues was how he figured how he wanted, on the internet with other people he was able to follow what he wanted and what he wanted was to get it but not to get it you see wanting wants because it cannot see and of all things deaf dumb and blind was pussy fiend.
How's my prose
Josiah Adams
How much corn it's in your diet?
Wyatt Bennett
This is very unpleasant to read, what the fuck my dude.
Hunter Thomas
Thank you
Ryan Rivera
I... I honestly like it a lot.
Noah Sanchez
This is unorinically awesome.
You're like an American, adderall-obsessed, materialistic version of Laszlo Kracznahorkai, though you need to edit some shit and suck a little less.
Cameron Moore
Agreed
Jace Gonzalez
Thank u my friends
Juan Bailey
Unironically really enjoyed this.
Connor Torres
Fuuuuuck yeeaaaaa booiiiiiiii
Jaxson Powell
how would hemingway write this
Ryan Thomas
What a trip
Lincoln Gomez
Actually p. good but it gets a little bit weaker towards the end; the subject matter doesn't cleanly lend itself to the Ritalin-induced seizure of the first half, so try to spice it up with figurative language or digressions back into the material.
Elijah Diaz
>prose 10/10
>content 2/10
Anyone who in this thread who says your prose is bad is jealous.
Wyatt Ross
your prose is bad, and i'm not jealous.
Jordan Sullivan
>form/content dichotomy
Joseph Miller
I wrote this. Where did you find this?
Jason Baker
i like it but change "pitter patter" into smth else it almost made me not read the whole thing
Nolan Rodriguez
Yes
For sure, thanks user
That's a big compliment. I mean it's just a vignette of something (possibly) bigger. I will develop more content going forward, (if I do)
Like what
Jason Adams
I liked the beginning and it has merit but it gets worse as it goes on.
Some parts remind of (bad) rap - especially the pornstar bit. Too much repetition in the end with 'wanted'.
Also, I don't think a couple periods, some more commas and structure would hurt.
Eli Butler
something else that isn't a creative writing class tier phrase
Liam Adams
>A pitter patter batter Stopped reading right there. Started again >splattered stove top burning fire from gas through wires and walls and tall doors Stopped reading right there. Started again >pancakes bubbling and burning imagery pussy feining and itching his scrotum before turning over the flap jacks Stopped reading right there. Absolute fucking trash, my man.
Anthony Price
Why not?
Aiden Turner
It started pretty off good but then it turned to shit. Don't rush it lad; there's potential.
Ian Richardson
It's unreadable. Absolutely no potential whatsoever.
Connor Lee
Razor sharp, and kept it's musicality all the way until the second volley of 'wanted's. If you could keep this up for an entire story I would happily read it. I'm high strung, and the constant pace was nice because it kept me engaged instead of creeping back to reality over the text. Take your time and keep at it. No hurry my brother. Find the right everything, don't even think of the end until it just is.
Christian Young
>How's my prose sick but fictions moving towards autobiography these days so catch up bih