Drink coffee

>have no money and starving
>accidentally click on Veeky Forums

>accidentally

You must have either the best or worst bowels.

I can drink coffee all day and be fine. If anything, it gums me up.

>used to get coffee shits
>start drinking massive amounts of coffee every day in order to purge my bowels so I can see a smaller number when I weigh myself
>body adjusts and I no longer get coffee shits
FUCK

I know that feel, i dont even feel energized from drinking coffee anymore but i still drink like 2-3 cups every weekday at work because what else there's to do during breaks?

>go to the grocery store buy food
>return home and park my car

>wake up before gf
>drink my cold brew, feed the doggo, and drink a huge glass of water
>settle in with my laptop for early morning shitposting

I love my morning routine

...

Good move, that should cure you of your appetite pretty quickly.

Now that's true shitposting. I'll have to try that some time.

I like the taste of coffee, but I hate the effect it has on me - energizing at first, fatigue later, plus I feel horrible if I stop drinking it, so I just dropped it

i never want to poop

chickpeas are the truest suffering

do you poop yourself accidentally sometimes?

I hate pooping and despite drinking coffee every morning for 4 months i still have diharrea afterwards

especially if there's milk in my coffee

there was a phase in my life when pooping was the most exiting event in my day(at least something happening), so sometimes I would drink coffee just so I would poop

Stimulants make you have to shit. Cocaine does the same thing. Conversely downers make you constipated, as anyone on opiates can attest to.

If you put cream in your coffee, it might just be the lactose that's fucking you up.
I've been drinking oolong tea with brown sugar instead of coffee with cream, and my tummy feels a lot better.

On the other hand, I get gassy as fuck when I eat too much stone fruit or cabbage.

Coffee does, but ephedrine doesn't

I'm talking in general. There are exceptions. But generally uppers make you have to shit and downers make you constipated. And caffeine is an upper.

Stop putting milk in ur coffee kiddo. You gotta grow up someday

I didn't drink coffee for a couple years because of this. I had a cup of coffee one morning and then had diarrhea like 5 times in the next hour. Got a craving for coffee recently and started drinking it again, no problems with it now for some reason. Even if I drink more than one cup on an empty stomach.

It could also be the opposite, too. I put a lot of milk in my coffee and that might help slow down the digestion of the coffee a bit which makes it easier on your stomach.

But what about ephedrine?

>look at me i drink my coffee black i'm so mature

>drink coffee
>get addicted so smell of coffee-fueled piss
>drink more coffee

The kids they hire at shops don't know how to make a good cup of coffee, user, there's no point in ordering anythin' else.

Don't tell me you drink coffee at home like a loser, user.

I don't experience that. Is it because I eat only whole plant foods?

>be me
>shit every three days
>haven't shat for the past week

I think I'm dying, lads.

Fuck taxes, owning a house or having kids,
Black coffee is as adult as it can get !!!

A child can birth and own a house to be an adult you must take it black

well then we got a lot of adult ladies at them Blacked.com

>hey look at me I got knocked up! they're just jealous of my baby bump!

>eat a rack of ribs
>next day have the smelliest runny bowel movements

I need to take a shit halfway through the brewing. It's some Pavlov shit.

>being lactose intolerant in the current year

This is why I have a cup of coffee before I take my daily dose of kratom. Gets it all out so I don’t have to worry about being constipated later.

True, opiates slow your peristaltic movements movements to a near halt, that's why people on morphine and herione junkies get constipated.
I once had a patient that was a herione junkie and hadn't taken a shit for nearly a month. He had to get open surgery to have the fossilized feces removed.

Try 2 cups of coffee, a pack of gum and 5 cigarettes every morning. By the time I've finished shitting the working days over

I love shitting, though. Nothing like the feel of a heavy power shit being dropped out the back. Makes you want to shout "AWWW YEAH!"

>kratom is an opiate

It’s not a true opiate, but it sure does constipate you like one:

Cigarettes are guilty of this too. Having a cig on the toilet is one of the most degenerate things you can do but also one of the most enjoyable

>smoke cig
>immediately almost shit myself

The morning schedule is
>beer-induced shit from previous night
>go back to sleep for half an hour
>coffee and breakfast
>get dressed
>coffee-induced shit
>go to class

It's like clockwork at this point

smells like tuna

Same, I really enjoy the empty stomach feeling after some nice caffeinated shits.

>Drink coffee.
>Heartburn.
>Heartrate skyrockets.