Which do you think is the better sentence?
>In a thick drawl he asked, "Please, no tomatoes.", which in his harsh accent replaced the o's in the offending fruit with a's: tamatas.
or
>In a thick drawl he asked, "Please, naw tamatas," his accent harsh when it spoke of the offending fruit.
Basically, do you think its alright to change language to denote accents in dialogue or should it be mentioned outside of the dialogue itself to avoid confusion?
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The first sentence is just horrible. Second one is better, but feels like it should still be rewritten. As for your second question, I personally think if you want to show an accent vividly you have to write phonetically otherwise everyone speaks with a generic male or female voice
>In his thick southern drawl, accented distinctively by a semantic ignorance, he politely demanded, "Please, no tomatoes for me!" upon the offering of such an offensive fruit.
>In his thick southern drawl, distinctively accented by semantic ignorance, he politely demanded, "Please, no tomatoes for me, now!" upon being offered such a personally offensive fruit.
It was only an 'opeless fancy.
It passed like an Ipril dye,
But a look an' a word an' the dreams they stirred!
They 'ave stolen my 'eart awye!
The cockney accent is a blight unto this earth and must be wiped away
'Thick drawl' and 'harsh accent' is redundant. 'Which' in the first sentence is to be avoided, and the description of the dialect there is awkward. The use of dialect is easily overdone and requires the right touch, otherwise it becomes distracting and off-putting. Dickens is about the only author who carried it off successfully. It's best to just stick it in occasionally. The example in the second sentence, short as it is, is too much.
Consider this:
>In a thick drawl that spat out round O's as sideways A's, he rejected the offending fruit: 'Please, no tomatoes.'
Among other things, the description of the dialect echoes the distaste for the food being discussed
This yokel honky rube scum told me he didn't like tomatoes.
>but feels like it should still be rewritten.
How so?
to paraphrase Zizek, they're both worse.
odds are you're just a bad writer.
>First Person
>implying me is a first person pronoun anymore
>>In a thick drawl that spat out round O's as sideways A's, he rejected the offending fruit: 'Please, no tomatoes.'
this is one approach but i personally think this style is too literal with the addition of the vowels themselves
>Among other things, the description of the dialect echoes the distaste for the food being discussed
i disagree. consider this:
>In a thick southern drawl that spat with debasement of comely speech, he rejected the offensive fruit: "Please, no tomatoes."
"Naw tomaytas, please?"
>odds are you're just a bad writer.
You can judge such things from less than a hundred words? Quick, judge me, what do these 27 words tell you about my status as a writer?
>spat with debasement of comely speech,
Jesus Christ.
Both of yours are awful, OP, but don't use this.
iwanttoliveinthatpicture
This is it, OP. This is the one.
Is this supposed to be a Southerner drawling? Because no self-respecting good ole boy wouldn't want tomatoes.
"No tomatoes," he drawled.
You're making this way too hard.
Agreed. If you need to make a point about the accent, work it into the text around this sentence.
>the offending fruit
I think you should end it as soon as possible
>Basically, do you think its alright to change language to denote accents in dialogue or should it be mentioned outside of the dialogue itself to avoid confusion?
No. It's fucking terrible and it shows a deep lack of understanding regarding spoken language. It makes me want to puke when I see authors doing this. I can barely read Steinbeck for this reason, it's just too ignorant.
What the fuck is this post?
The second sentence is way worse than the first one, literally unreadable.
First one is fine.
>round O's as sideways A's
Eww.
I'll stick with Dickens, thank you very much
How do you denote the difference between the white man's "nigger" and the black man's "nigga" without the spelling change based on pronunciation?
wew lad. Wait'll you get to Joyce...
I'm from Texas and I say fuck tomatoes
Fucking slimy, disgusting balls of spit and shit.
Joyce is the only person who could possibly act like Joyce and get away with it.
Joyce is someone to be admired, not copied.
Learn to give sounds shapes, it makes learning languages easier
Are we reading the same OP? You NEVER use a fucking colon in fiction writing
Show, don't tell.
High school tier "rule" that you need to learn to break if you want to be anything more than an hack
The first one in the op and this are the only acceptable ones. The others are either retarded or make it impossible to know what the fuck you mean.
disgusting
I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit. Everything in a book is telling. It's always the author telling you.
well I gather you have either a tenuous grasp on the English language or a complete dearth of reasoning ability as in the beginning of my sentence I said
>odds are
which indicates an inference toward a probability.
You would not take the gamble if you didn't believe the odds favorable. The fact that you posted the judgement means you believe it to be true.
nah better follow the rules. The problem is a lot of ppl think theyre James Joyce when they aren't
What cowardice
Fuck off, memehead.
>uses 1st Person
>calls others memehead
Pottery
Best way:
>With his thick drawl replacing the o's in the offending fruit with a's, he asked "Please, no tomatoes."
>Say the letters are being replaced
>Don't replace them
What?
You don't need to describe a drawl as thick and you don't need to describe an accent as harsh.
>"Please, no tomatoes," he replied, his drawl muddying the words to a paste.
But then I have to ask, why is this sentence so significant? If it's really not a major point in your story, then just use
>"Please, no tomatoes," he replied.
>You don't need to describe a drawl as thick and you don't need to describe an accent as harsh.
Say's who?
Hating first person is the meme, you dip. It's like being into visual art but being like
>euck acrylic oils? Dropped.
This. Show don't tell.
...
-- Ye want tomatas
-- No he told the nig
-- You sure
-- I am sure
He spat, and rode on.
>The use of dialect is easily overdone and requires the right touch, otherwise it becomes distracting and off-putting.
This. Show it phonetically, but using the absolute minimum. Just do it once, to establish the character's voice, and then do very minimal phonetic changes afterwards. They only need to be told / shown he has a strong accent once, then the reader will automatically add it for the rest of that character's sentences in that scene. Have the pov character recognize his accent in his thoughts if you want to create a specific known accent.
>"Please, na' tah-may-tahs," No tomatoes. It had taken him a while to get used to the accent.
Or something like that, with minor phonetic changes to speech afterwards.
good advice
>Just do it once, to establish the character's voice, and then do very minimal phonetic changes afterwards.
You either do it every time or you don't do it at all.
> then the reader will automatically add it for the rest of that character's sentences in that scene.
No they won't
When a white man says it:
>N*&$%r
What a n*&$%r says it:
>100
>AYO
>*smacks lips*
>AYO SO U B SAYIN
>*dabs*
>SO U B SAYIN WE
>*makes hit mumblerap record*
>WE WUZ
>*drops out of middle school*
>WE WUZ NIGGAS
>*takes boat to Liberia*
>N SHIET?
>*does the Liberia shake*
>100
>I don't do it therefore no one does it
>projecting this hard
>I do it therefore everyone does it
>projecting this hard
user... Easy on the tomatoes.
Which is it, queer?
...
>Translating within your own work
Fuck no. You either go for it or you don't, don't do this half-way pussy shit.
Don't be like that.
Colons belong in shitty text books and political speeches; not art.
Look at this fuckwit trying to tell people what art should be.
Where's your manifesto, suckledick?
No, colons belong in your lower abdomen.
Jesus, kid. You missed writing 101. Go back to the beginning.
>Joyce is someone to be admired, not copied.
Joyce would have farted in your mouth and then fucked it for that comment, whore.
Bespectacled fuck can try, but lord knows I'd kick his paddy ass all the way to Dublin and back.
I bet he potatoe eating motherfucker doesn't even lift
>>In a thick drawl he asked, "Please, naw tamatas," his accent harsh when it spoke of the offending fruit.
What the fuck? Have you have heard a "thick drawl" before? I really wish you northerners would stop pretending to know anything about southern culture.
>southern culture
Implying there's any left.
My Alabama grandfather does the same shit.
When he asks for cigarettes, he asks for his "tabaca"
>not 'tobaccy'
step it up grampaw