My colon feels hard as a brick and I don't want to get any laxatives...

My colon feels hard as a brick and I don't want to get any laxatives. Please give me the best food to clean myself up and loosen my stool. It feels like I haven't had a decent shit since forever. Help a bro out please

Prunes. You're welcome.

Black Coffee

prunes. maybe corn.

laxatives asshole or you're in for pain the likes of which you cannot comprehend

magnesium citrate

How much prunes will be enough? 200 grams? 300 grams? As for corn, will popcorn work as well?

Laxatives are short term solution, I want to something that I can do for long term.

used to use miralax regularly back when I still did opiates

Eat leafy greens and fruits for fiber

Water hose up the arse

F I B R E

Prune juice. Add it to a blueberry smoothie. And prepare for a purple blast off.

Karo syrup is an option but any diuretic would work for the current blockage. For long term you just need maintain a balanced diet with a good amount of fiber.

I am currently too poor to afford a diet with decent amount of fiber, i do my best to eat salads and fruits but the shits are not good enough for me i still feel blocked. I did look up prunes and they seem like a decent solution, i'll try em out tomorrow and post results. If they work out i will add them to my diet and eat them regularly.

Don't laugh. In December last year I went to a steakhouse and eat half of a cow. My shit turned into asphalt. When I was shitting, I pushed it so hard that it created a blood clot in my anus. I'm treating it (if it doesn't go away in 15 days from now, I'll have to do a micro surgery). Take a laxative dude.

was in this exact same scenario myself recently.

buy canned lentils/peas and eat like half a tin with every meal. should do the trick and its less than a dollar a day

Dude. Steel cut oats. Seriously. It has large amounts of every kind of fiber your body needs. Wish I could post a pic of how based it makes your stool.

Beware though, if you don't already have a high fiber diet, your tract won't have sufficient amounts of the right kinds of internal flora yet and you will become an unholy fart cannon for at least a week. I mean you will seriously wake up in the middle of the night to discomfort, braps and a piercing rancidity under your sheets. Once all that's out of the way though and your body is now replete with the beneficial bacteria, your movements will be smooth, uniform, very pleasant and really quite beautiful.

Half a cup (dry) every morning is all you need.

It's easier to just buy some fiber in powder form, mix one spoonful with water, and drink it before you eat your biggest meal.

I used to drink it in the night so my stomach would wake me up in the morning.

I like oats, honey and yogurt are good with pumpkin seeds or whatever you like. I use the cheapest plain greek yogurt, and the pumkin seeds are cheep af. Been doing this for a couple of years without any issues. Cheap and tasty. I even male jams on occasion to change up the base flavor (honey).

If you don't think you're dehydated I'd recommend making sure you're drinking a full gallon of water a day. If you're shitting little balls then you might have plenty of fiber and should use a laxative until you start shitting mucus-like watery discharge.

Eat some natural yogurt afterwards to aid your recovery. Eat more soluable and insoluable fiber, and remember that excessive drinking can create loose stools, but withdrawals can cause constipation. Drink IPA for a while if you insist, hops can cause looser stool in many people.

short term laxatives long term psyllium fiber

Daily psyllium fiber is one of the great lifehacks. It's anti-constipation AND anti-diarrhea. Nothing but 3's and 4's on the Bristol stool chart, erry day.

Where can I find this in Germany?

Take a stroll through the local mart, no?

Unfortunately I don't live in the land of the free

>I am currently too poor to afford a diet with decent amount of fiber
>the absolute state of America

Then running is your best bet. Do a light 5 km jog.

I'm a long distance runner, and just physical agitation helps move the stool along. Also, make sure you are hydrated (clear piss).

Papaya

>navel piercing
why perfect girls insist on ruining themselves?

The most extreme laxative in my experience: sugar alcohols such as maltitol.

If I eat quest bars, the entire contents of my intestines will purge. Literally 5 pounds of shit.

Also: a lot of constipation is from dehydration.

DRINK.

No you're not, you're just retarded. Bananas have plenty of fiber are really fucking cheap.

i thought bananas were used to combat diarrhea , the hell are you talking about?

>why perfect girls insist on ruining themselves?

Its a universal signal to all guys that she'll blow you on the first date and give up the asshole on the 2nd. God bless white whores.

They are because they contain fiber, dumbass.

I’ve had like 3 large mountain dews and it’s not doing anything

that isn't white

>My colon feels hard as a brick and I don't want to get any laxatives.

HAS OP CONSIDERED DICK?

Elephant seems like the proper solution.

All-Bran and coffee.

I usually make a lentil soup, it's pretty tasty.

5-6 carrots, 5-6 onions, 5-6 stalks celery, 5-6 cloves garlic, diced to however you like.
Fry them up in some butter, add a pound or two of dried green lentils, a 28 oz can of diced tomatoes, stick of butter and just stir it up for a bit, add 4-5 tomato cans of water. Cover, bring to boil, simmer until its all tender. I like to add a can of drained chickpeas and drained black beans at the end. Seasoning is just salt, pepper, cayenne, cumin.
I put hot sauce in my bowl

Eat this for a while and you will be regular. Probably pass more shit than you thought was up there.

I could probably take an elephant cock, survive and enjoy it.

eat more fiber and drink water

any Druggenstoreschnitzel

Eat fiber or make these. Your call OP

Impressive.

How did that get out of a guy, or god forbid girl? Teleportation? Did it swell on contact with water?

The fucked thing is I have seen bigger.

squat poop. you'll thank me later

Maybe he has things up his ass regularly. It gives you amazing rectal flexibility.

...

Hang around opioid users and you will.

any reccomendations for laxatives? i want to shit everything out of myself before i'm back in school, wanna look lean. i've been taking fiber but i wanna take laxatives

If you don't want to do the easy food poisoning route, that empties you out but good, then I suggest Quaker Oats Quick Oats, prepare per recipe on container, I prefer brown sugar to granulated, make sure you make 3 full cups of oats, if your colon has not emptied in 2 hours, repeat with half the first amount, make sure you toilet works properly, I also suggest wearing no clothes while evacuating, if you have a chair or small table bring it with you into the bathroom, so you can lean on it to relax while you scream and beg g_d for a quick death.

Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.

This.

I guarantee you that came out of a gay man.

this is an 18+ board

also, eat lots of salty foods and to get rid of some water weight very quickly.

Make sure you replenish soon thereafter or risk a medical emergency

But for the same amount you help feed a starving child.

kimchi

Every time I eat these I picture the little fiends pickaxing my colon

>too poor

go the hard way and eat olives sauerkraut and beans for 1-2 weeks
you will hyper wash your insides and also kill anything thats not supposed to be in you.
after this you will be born anew

holy shit $3 for 2 bell peppers?
$2 for 2 cups of pintos?

A litre of orange juice with pulp and about 300 grams of cashews will do the trick

that's not it's cock user

>post results
Post a pic of the turd user

Unripe bananas (ie. no brown spots) will clog you up.