I have Cotard's Syndrome. I know that I am dead and that my body is buried far below the ground in some chthonic place...

I've read those, but good suggestion.
Not interested in your Abrahamic G*d
Thanks

>watches Synechdoche, New York once
>checks wikipedia
lol gay

I've seen Synochdoche, New York, its not a good film. I also have trouble recognizing faces, I see a therapist for my derealization but they have difficulty understanding and treating me. When I have episodes of my blood moving around and pouring out of me and I feel that I have no organs in my body I'm incapable of doing anything but lying down for a long time. I'd appreciate more suggestions if anyone can think of something revelant.

Spot the dog

Doesn't your awareness that you have this syndrome or delusion lead you to believe that you are not in fact dead?

I hadn't thought of that before, thanks.

No, I know you have, it's just interesting to me. I understand that this is a mental condition but it's very interesting that you are aware enough to understand and acknowledge that you have a mental condition while also believing it.

It's interesting. Do you have a history of other hallucinations? Have you been diagnosed with other mental disorders?

I'm OP, that poster isn't me. While I'm rationally aware at times that I'm delusional and theres something wrong, it doesn't make a difference because the fact that I'm dead is a reality to me, and I can't see it otherwise. It won't make sense to you if you've never been psychotic before. Like I said, I have difficulty recognizing peoples faces, sometimes I think that they are impostors and I have intense derealization episodes. It first started when I was very depressed and I suddenly realized that I was dead, we are all dead, and what is happening has all happened before. Ive been here before and I will be stuck in this ghost town forever. My body is rotting and I have no organs, so I can't eat.

I also forgot to mention that I've always felt as if the face I have isn't my own, I have difficulty recognizing myself in a mirror. I have recurring nightmares of the person in the mirror coming out to kill me. I feel much more comfortable wearing a mask when I'm inside, I wear surgical masks when I go outdoors too.

I have OCD and it is different since obsessions are, I think, different from delusions, even though the sufferer feels compelled to act on them as if they are real. I find Cotards very interesting, as well as similar syndromes like Capgras delusion. It seems like awareness is a multiplicity of many different functions, and when some part of that misfires or stops working, your consciousness develops these completely un-intuitive, apparently paradoxical perceptions of reality.

I think my problem is neurological rather than psychological. I've had it for varying degrees since elementary school. Some people develop Cotard delusion after head trauma, though I don't recall that ever happening to me. As far as paradox goes, its hard to explain but sometimes I feel as if the state I'm is paradoxical, but rather then think "Oh, this is a paradox, so I must be alive" it's instead "This is a paradox, so I must be really dead".

If you are dead, why are you experiencing anything at all right now? By what mechanism are you conscious?

No you don't, you are just larping

4.48 psychosis by Sarah Kane

What is death to you? How can you be afraid of dying if you are already dead? Do you really have fear? Often people are afraid because they fear pain and the unknown but dead people cant get harmed and death is familiar.

Beckett my dude. Also Die Kinder der Toten by Jelinek if it's been translated yet.

Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't be conscious. My body is dead and rotting, I'm in a different realm, I perceive all other people as walking corpses or ghosts. And the state I'm in can't really be described as consciousness either, I have extremely flat and deadened emotions, whenever I introspect all I can experience is various impressions circling around a gaping black chasm, I can't visualize or describe my own appearance at all. Even the psychiatrists I've spoken to have a hard time understanding that I believe I don't exist.
We're here in the virtual online dreaming realm, no one is doing any live action role-playing. If you have any recommendations I would appreciate them.

Thanks but I've already read it. Didn't particularly like it.
Thanks, I like Beckett. I'll check out the other book you mentioned.
I forgot to mention that those nightmares and face delusions were prior to me developing Cotard's delusion. I have a long history of psychosis ever since I was a small child. However, I can't be killed now because I'm already dead.

Babyfucker maybe

That photo is incredible. Who shot it?

I checked and the Jelinek novel hasn't been translated.
Alright.
I dont know who photographed it. I think it was taken in 1995.

>the Jelinek novel hasn't been translated
That's a shame. You'd think her being awarded the nobel would get translators working on her magnum opus. Seems like it would be a good fit for your situation too.

>its not a good film
Mate, it's an incredible film. Maybe it doesn't capture the essence of the illness that much but it's still a fucking powerful film. What didn't you like about it?

>Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't be conscious.
Why not? What is the source of your consciousness if not your brain? If your brain is dead, how are you conscious? Where is the "you" stored?

The state you are in can be described as consciousness because you are typing what you are typign right now. Even in your emotionally deadened state, you still interact with and perceive the world. The fact that we are having this conversation right now is proof of it.

I'm sorry that you have this condition, though. And I don't mean to be insensitive with my questioning. I just want to understand how you think.

again
What I mean is, how can you say you can be conscious while dead? Where does your consciousness come from? Do you believe that you are in an afterlife? Do you believe that you lived a life previous to this one?

It was pretty crazy in In Search of Lost Time when it was revealed Dr. Cottard was a ghost the entire time

I thought it was a very bad film, completely jejune and needlessly neurotic. Emotionally it provoked nothing in me but boredom, and maybe disgust.
I don't know how I can think, or be conscious. All I know is that my body is dead, and that right now I don't exist. By connecting to the online dreaming realm of the internet I can communicate. I do have suspicions I am in a purgatory of some sorts. You could think of it as being color-blind in a way, I'm not capable of perceiving the color green in the same way that I'm not capable of perceiving myself as existing. I hope that makes sense.
I haven't read any Proust yet, I will look into it.

Also, I forgot to say the fact that I have no brain doesn't make a difference since consciousness does not reside in the brain, and the brain is unnecessary. The brain is just a cypher for the underlying world of ideals

>All I know is that my body is dead, and that right now I don't exist
wrong, I think therefore I am etc.

>needlessly neurotic
I mean I completely disagree but I could understand why it would be too neurotic for some
>jejune
Are you kidding me dude? What kinda movies are you into then?

You don't need to think to not be able to physically exist. Like I said, consciousness doesn't reside in the human body or brain, so the fact that I'm dead makes no difference.

how do you type onto a keyboard without a living body?
the message to type on a keyboard requires
>live brain
>live nervous system
>live finger muscles
how are you able to complete such functions without having oxygenated tissues that are vital to the actions of typing?
if you reply to this, you're alive pham

I like the films of Jacques Tourneur, Raoul Ruiz, Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Tsai Ming-Liang, Pedro Costa, Apichatpong Weerasethakul, and Wang Bing, among others.

I'm connected to the ego tunnel of the internet which is bodiless. I never said that my condition wasn't contradictory or paradoxical, it's just that I'm psychotic and likely have schizophrenia along with neurological damage, probably a disconnection between the fusiform gyrus and the amygdala.

>likely have schizophrenia along with neurological damage, probably a disconnection between the fusiform gyrus and the amygdala.
ah, so hypochondriac too? full blown cotard delusion then

I'd tell you to kill yourself but that's kinda redundant in this case

I'm saying that the current theory in scientific literature is that Cotard Delusion is caused by neurological damage between the part of the brain responsible for recognizing familiar stimulus and emotional response and is not primarily psychological. Which explains my faceblindness and derealized emotional state. I know that I'm schizophrenic or have some other sort of psychotic disorder because I've been having visual/auditory hallucinations since I was a child.

>I know that I'm schizophrenic or have some other sort of psychotic disorder because I've been having visual/auditory hallucinations since I was a child.
think it's worth getting medicated for your nonsense?

My uncle told me that in between sobs of how much of a pussy he thought he was and recollections of hearing his wife moan through the walls.

Barabbas
Demons
Bobok
Pan
Ghost Sonata
Dream play
The woman in the dunes
All of Kafka
The Blue Hotel
The sheltering sky

I've been on Risperdal and other anti-psychotic medications but they don't really help with my current delusion but I'm in the process of getting treatment but it's difficult to get psychiatrists/therapists who understand
That's interesting.

Anyway, this thread is for recommending and discussing books that have to do with being dead, derealized, dream-like, or feeling that you don't exist, and other various "otherwordly" feelings that you may think are relevant. I don't mind answering questions though, just remember that I'm not actually here.

Thanks a lot, I've read some of those but I'll look into your other suggestions. The Woman in the Dunes is a good book and film, and it has the sort of feeling I'm looking for.

Glad to help, friend. Also, if it's not too cliche for you, check out Bergman and Tarkovsky's films.

I'm not particularly a fan of Bergman or Tarkovsky. I think some films that capture what I'm going for are Jacques Tourneur's, "I walked with a Zombie, "Pulse" by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, "The Hole" by Tsai-ming Liang, and "Fallen Angels" by Wong kar-wai.

Have you read Burton's anatomy of melancholy? He describes persons with exactly those symptoms. You should look into it senpai

I've read some of it already. I'd like to finish it and read the entire thing, Thanks.

>Anyway, this thread is for recommending and discussing books that have to do with being dead, derealized, dream-like, or feeling that you don't exist,

Books are a dying, limited medium. You want interactive fiction. I recommend installing The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. If those graphics are too old for you, Oblivion might suffice.

>The Woman in the Dunes
My man! Abe does not get enough mention here.

I would check out J.M. Coetzee's In The Heart of the Country OP, has many themes that might feel similar to your position, one of my favourites of his work.

The Secret Sharer by Conrad could fit too.

I like Morrowind a lot. Also, Yume Nikki is obviously similar in feeling, and the game Pathologic as well. I'm fine with people recommending video games, animation, etc. This is just a literature board which I asked for books at first.
Yes, Abe is great for the hellish atmosphere. I enjoy his plays as well. I've never read Coetzee before, I've always had the impression his stuff seemed very staid and "award bait", for lack of a better word. I will look into that book though. I've already read Conrad.

Look up his enumerations of melancholy symptoms to find out what sort of melancholy you are afflicted with. You'll have to improve your digestion, omit masturbating, get plenty of sleep during the right hours, etc
Also look into Cheney's English Malady, and into Burton's sources. This is one of the most common species of melancholy, so they've treated everyone of it, from peasants to kings. It would be strange if you could not find a method for curing yourself.

I willl look into that after I obtain another copy of Burton's book, and try to find a species of melancholy similar to my own, I know that Cotard's delusion specifically goes back to at least the late 19th century. I do not consume solid foods, I've never masturbated, and I have delayed phase sleep disorder so I wander the streets, forests, and wheat fields during the night and rest when the sun is out.

Have you seen Synecdoche, New York?

I said earlier that I have. I did not think it was a good film technically/formally, nor did I find it to be relevant to my situation. I've mentioned some filmmakers and films that I like higher up in the thread.

Coetzee gets a bad reputation from some for delving into a lot of post-colonial issues, but he's South Afrikaner, so that's a realm all too real for him. I didn't find him to be pandering to a liberal mindset or to the academy in any of the titles I've read of his.

Coetzee being referred to as staid is wrong though. The novel that I mentioned (In the Heart of the Country) and Disgrace have some pretty raw content and some extremely bold concepts and themes. I've thoroughly enjoyed everything I have read by him and nothing has felt tame, lighthearted, or unadventurous.

In the Heart of the Country reads like a horrible and beautiful fever dream where life and death are unclear and the reader is stuck in an uncomfortably humid haze in between.

Also without spoiling anything, the idea of being in buried in some sort of chthonic place is directly looked at, another reason why I thought it may be of interest.

>Giles Corey album
glad someone else likes /mu/

maybe read that michael gira book. get the pdf, the book is hard to actually get for a good price

>I've never masturbated,
what the fuck

I don't touch my genitals, I don't even understand what masturbation is or how it works, I believe you're supposed to rub your penis up and down while clenching it in your hand and it feels pleasurable. Sounds bizarre. I've never had sex because I have no interest in the Other and have no conception of myself as a social agent. It's a similar situation to Baudelaire.

Describe the "blood" movement you mentioned before.

I've honestly never been on that board. I just kinda stumbled on it. Blackest Bile is one of my favorite songs though and changed the way I looked at recoding.

It's nothing much, it's just that i can feel the bodily fluids and blood within, often hissing out of me. I must go now, I feel immobilized even though the darkness is setting, already the walls of my room are being wrenched apart.

I hope you feel better soon. If you return I have some more questions.

How old are you?
Have you been formally diagnosed with Cotard's?
What is your living situation like? What I mean is, do you like in some kind of long term care facility? Or do you live at home? And if you live at home, do you have caretakers (be they friends, family or medical professionals)?
What is your average day like?

I'm 25. I've never had a job, I receive SSI disability and my parents let me live with them. Ive been formally diagnosed with schizotypaI personality disorder, the psychiatrist wrote on my file that I will never be able to work. I definitely have other issues as well though that are undiagnosed but I am paranoid of doctors and I dont tell them things. I have seen a psychiatrist and therapists regarding cotards delusion and they had dificulty understanding though I was given alprazolam for derealization. I haven't had any friends since elementary school when the shift from socialization centered around interests/playing turned instead to the social sphere like gossip, drama, relationships, etc. like I said I can't conceptualize myself as a social agent and I have a deep mortification of being consumed by other people, I sometimes visualize others as monstrous creatures that want to devour your emotions/time, most of the time however other people are just living zombies to me which goes along with my belief of the world being a vast interlocking web of deterministic physical processes, I rarely communicate with my parents and am selectively mute. I sleep during the day and wake up at night, some nights I spend entirely bed-ridden, reading, using the internet, watching films, other times I roam the streets, drive, wander through the forest, walk along the river. When I was younger I used to go down and lie in the wheat fields looking at the stars and have psychotic episodes until the sun came up. Though obviously some times I have to be up during the day in order to buy things, go to appointments, etc.

Anyway, I don't want this thread to get off track it's about discussing and recommending books and other media that have to do with derealization, being dead, existing in a different realm/underworld, dreams, or some other sort of indescribable numinous quality, etc. I think some good directors that I haven't mentioned yet that pertain in one way or another are the films of Takashi Ito, Gakuryu Ishii, Tsui Hark, Hou Hsiao-Hsien, the animation of Keita Kurosaka and Jan Svankmajer and the Hiroshi Teshigahara film "The Face of Another".

take psychedelic drugs

From what I know of psychedelics that would be a very poor idea and would take me somewhere even worse than I am now. Plus I wouldn't know how to obtain them.

>given alprazolam for derealization

What on earth
That sounds absolutely counterproductive
Benzodiazepines have never resulted in anything for me other than dissocistion and memory loss and confusion.

I hope you'll see Swans before they disband their current formation on November. I'm going to see them in a month, can't wait to see Gira and ask him when he'll release a physical version of Soundtracks for the Blind, which is the Infinite Jest of music.

Thank you for answering my questions.

As to your last paragraph, I have to tell you that the reason this thread has derailed a bit is because your condition is exceedingly rare and so to have the opportunity to have a direct and candid conversation with someone like you is interesting.

How do you view other posters on this website? Are we as threatening or empty as people outside of the internet?

Benzodiapenines help me with social and anxiety stuff, I'm not sure if it's been helping with the depersonalization. I don't respond well to SSRIs.
I don't view people on here as threatening. I see the internet as a virtual real of online dreaming, a disincarnate place where I can communicate and do other things. I regularly spend 14-16 hours a day here while bed-ridden. I never wanted a bodily form anyway, I was always horrified by the flesh. I want to flagellate and torture my rotting inanimate body. Its not just the internet though, really all of experience is a form of online dreaming. The thing is that I don't exist, and neither does anyone else. Sure, people's perceptions and senses work hard to give them the impression of being someone, but there is no self at the end of the tunnel. I always knew that there was something wrong with either me or the world, or both. Though around age 9 is when the scourge of self-consciousness really hits and you enter the labyrinth of suffering. All lengths of time are inadequate and incapable of being comprehended, if you think about it everything has already passed. I'm ancient and newly-born at the same time.

>when he'll release a physical version of Soundtracks for the Blind
are you being serious? you can literally order it from young god website

Then don't take em. Psychedelics seem to match your expectations in my experience.

u read the blind owl by some irianian fella? i think it would fit what youre asking for

>it's not a good film
if only you really were dead pleb faggot

Have you seen any films by the directions I've mentioned in this thread? Kaufman really doesnt compare at all. And I find his writing in general to be incredibly trite and insipid in it's dialogue and characterization. The whole thing is incredibly anemic. Reminds me of petite-bourgeois middle-brow "The New Yorker" magazine writers.

*directors

Blindsight by Peter Watts.

Dhalgren

Gravity and Grace by Simone Weil

Thanks for your suggestions, they look promising.