Red pulsations lit The Crucible; A vessel of amniotic fluid. Tubes fed the cylindrical plexiglass tank, And the mass of flesh suspended in its nucleus. The hum of ventilation systems, punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice: "Subject has reached critical mass." "Subject has reached critical mass."
Light. Constructed neural chains fired sparks. Transmissions jolted through the consecrated architecture of winding axons.
The air-sealed chamber materialized around a union of flesh and electricity."
Chase Flores
>using a semicolon
stopped right there. get good.
Alexander Davis
>>using a semicolon oh darn i didnt realize this is bad
Xavier Robinson
I enjoyed your writing, I figure you've brought some inspiration from DOOM? (The Crucible)
Noah Johnson
Is this a poem? Can see it as descriptive text in an Inspection action of a adventure/RPG game, but doesn't really say anything.
Tyler Richardson
Could you use simplerer words instead?
Gabriel Smith
why would the hum of a ventilation system be punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice? and you dont have to specify it's an anthropomorphic voice, the enxt lines are in a human language, English.
This just screams like you're trying to impress instead of tell a cool or engaging scene.
Nicholas Turner
Feels way too try-hard.
Jack Lopez
thanks user, i actually haven't played doom before. there's a similar machine in it?
>Is this a poem? yeah that's kinda what i intended it as. but it obviously doesn't have a regular meter or anything so i'd use "poem" loosely
>Could you use simplerer words instead? i considered it, but i thought using more scientific terms would help give it a technologically complex feel. i can try using smaller words but i feel like it would lose some of its effect
>why would the hum of a ventilation system be punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice it was just intended to describe the interplay of sounds within the room
>and you dont have to specify it's an anthropomorphic voice, the enxt lines are in a human language yeah i guess that's true. i was basically trying to say that it's a human-like voice but not a human voice. there's probably a better way to convey that though.
i appreciate the feedback and hope this doesn't come off as too defensive
Zachary Watson
Hobo? More like Ho-Go!
Henry Scott
what did he mean by this?
Caleb Morgan
...
Thomas Jones
wrong thread mate
Evan Roberts
Semicolons are perfectly fine as long as they're used correctly. English doesn't use them as much as other languages and will more often than not just choose to split the sentence in two, but they're not inherently bad. Don't pay attention to anons who read an how-to book and now thinks there are some universal rules to writing. >lol, author A is a terrible author, he uses adverbs >lol, author B is a hack, she shows instead of telling >lol, author C used passive voice in a sentence on page 232 and that book still won a prize?
Samuel Rodriguez
its for the other thread about a white hobo that runs as fast as a boxcar? I think? I'm very confused
Julian Walker
It was used correctly though wasn't it?
Christopher Mitchell
Grammatically, yes, but I think was trying to say mediocre prose is rife with semicolons because they make the writer sound smart.
Carson Thomas
>prose >it's actually pseudo-poetry
Tyler Morris
Ur a poet n u didnt even kno it haha!
Sebastian Lee
>i considered it, but i thought using more scientific terms would help give it a technologically complex feel. i can try using smaller words but i feel like it would lose some of its effect
I agree that you need to use smaller words. Is it important that the tank is described as both cylindrical and plexiglass? Or that the voice is anthropomorphic? There just seems to be a lot of long adverbs breaking up the flow of the sentences.
Easton White
It's shit. Neck yourself.
Benjamin King
No, just take the advise with a grain of salt and mull over it. Try to make whatever you think your style is and what you're trying to convey and fix it up with what we're telling you, we might not be top tier critics, but we know what doesnt work.
Blake Foster
I'm stealing your prose user.
It's a little stiff but enjoyable.
>And the mass of flesh suspended in its nucleus.
This is silly though.
Ethan Martinez
op here. thanks for all the thoughtful feedback guys. after considering it, i decided to cut the word "plexiglass" and replace "anthropomorphic" with "humanoid" to cut some unnecessary syllables.
i think i like the way it sounds better now.
you're right i think poetry would have been a more accurate term, but i'm always cautious about using it when it doesn't follow the rules of poetry.
thanks
>I'm stealing your prose user. darn. i'll take the compliment though. thanks user
Elijah Williams
There are literally no adverbs in Op's post
That's why I said pseudo-poetry. But if you're not going to follow the rules or go for meter and rhyme, there's no point in cutting syllables
Julian Ramirez
>there's no point in cutting syllables i just did because most of the people itt have been saying that it's too cluttered with big words
Luke Johnson
If they convey your desired meaning better, it doesn't matter. Anthropomorphised tells you more about the ai voice and specifically how it was designed to sound then humanoid. Big words are only a problem for metre and in purple prose
Kayden Rodriguez
Nah, semicolons are scifi
Camden Allen
interesting. so you prefer "anthropomorphic" over "humanoid?"
Jayden Baker
Would make for good early Gorguts lyrics
Elijah Jones
based user. thank you. as someone who loves metal and is primarily trying to into writing for the purpose of making lyrics this makes me happy
Thomas Perez
Sounds like a third rate imitation of Nick Land.
Joseph Sanchez
never heard of him before. anything you would recommend?
Elijah Roberts
>"Decanting the Antichrist Red pulsations lit The Crucible;
What now?
>A vessel of amniotic fluid. Tubes fed the cylindrical plexiglass tank, And the mass of flesh suspended in its nucleus.
I like everything here except the use of "nucleus" it just sounds like you're throwing in scientific sounding words just because.
>The hum of ventilation systems, punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice: "Subject has reached critical mass." "Subject has reached critical mass."
Critical mass? Is this term not used in physics? This sounds like a biological breeding tank, not physics.
>Light.Constructed neural chains fired sparks. Transmissions jolted through the consecrated architecture of winding axons.
Tone it down.
>The air-sealed chamber materialized around a union of flesh and electricity."
You are making this about the air-sealed chamber , and not the "union of flesh and electricity" inside, even though surely you want the reader to believe the thing inside the tank is more interesting than the tank is?
Christian Perez
>Decanting the Antichrist this is actually just the title that i gave the piece. not necessarily part of it.
>except the use of "nucleus" it just sounds like you're throwing in scientific sounding words just because. that's the second time i've heard that so far. i'll definitely consider using a more normal word
>Critical mass? Is this term not used in physics? yeah but essentially it just means big enough for something.
>Tone it down. that's actually the part where i wanted to make the experiment sound fantastical and divine. the idea is that it's a clone whose brain has been constructed and arranged cell-by-cell to allow for optimal structure, creating a transhuman super-genius.
>You are making this about the air-sealed chamber , and not the "union of flesh and electricity" inside, even though surely you want the reader to believe the thing inside the tank is more interesting than the tank is? damn that's a great point. i wanted to create a sense of wonder and ambiguity regarding the subject, but in doing so i kind of disregarded the subject. i'll have to reflect on this.
thanks a lot for the in-depth feedback. i'll take all of this into consideration