Random Food Greentexts

>Britbongs don't know about lettuce cans.

>frying pork belly
>heat is super hot
>super hot to super hot, hot
>loud pops of oil splattering to the sides
>lean over and turn down burner
>while im leaning over a blotch of hot oil shoots into my left eye
>still cant see out of it 1 week later
>medicine not working

push me to the edge all my friends are dead

shouldve deployed your safety squints

>lettuce can

>pork belly
>frying
Kitchen gods are punishing you for ruining good meat. Learn your lesson and move on.

>Canned lettuce
Bro do you like diarrhoea? The fresh stuff is 99 cents a head are the two quarters you save really worth the stress on your intestines?

>depression
>get up to cook something cause muh tum tum hurts
>only have 1 pack of chicken top ramen and the 2 end slices of bread
>get distracted cook ramen to long so its all mushy and cant eat it
>have to make and eat to toasted end pieces of bread

>flippin pacakes
>in muh tighty whities

>Making dough for the first time
>Don't know shit about cooking
>Put in 1/4 cup of sugar
>The recipe asked for 1/4 tbsp
>Only realised why the dough was so sweet a few weeks later

>friend asks "you want some bacon?"
>reply "sure!"
>hear 5 seconds of uninterrupted sizzle
>10 seconds of uninterrupted sizzle
>"it's ready!"
>friend stares at me while I begrudgingly eat the stringy weird tasting and feeling trichinosis slices after he devours his

I get the "I want chewy bacon" thing, but come the fuck on

some dipshit always has to take everything seriously
fuck

>make breakfast for bf
>he eats ass instead

>making cookies
>dough tastes really sweet but whatever
>start cooking those bad boys
>pull them out and take a bite
>teeth feel like they shatter as I bite into a rock
>realize I used powdered sugar rather than flour

>tfw I want to eat my ex's ass so badly

>going drinking with coworkers later on this week
>budgeting because I want to get shitfaced and all the bars around here are expensive
>eating sandwiches and cereal for a week
>desperately want to make the meals I usually eat

Bacon is cured meat, you can eat it raw.

I've heard this before, I still don't trust or like it without cooking it fully. Not even crispy-fully, but at least to the temperature that's recommended on the package.

>eating like shit for an entire week
>just so you can go out drinking
What a pathetic life you lead.

>chopping up carrots
>accidentally circumcised myself

Then why do they refrigerate it?

food smells better refrigeragted dumbass

Is that why they serve cheese straight out of the refrigerator? to prevent the aromatic compounds from escaping to my nose?

lol

>steaming hotdogs in the kitchen
>accidentally inhale some
steam
>be high as a kite for the next hour

Can lettuce

>Be chopping sausage.
>Put sausage on my pizza.
>Realize sausage is actually my dick.
>Mfw I cut up my dick.

okay he phrased it badly but lower temperatures will make the volatile compound less volatile and last longer. However when serving you still want to release those compounds by bringing it to room temp

>making cup noodles naked
>accidentally boil my own noodle

Wala

Literally lol-ing out loud

>mfw your dick is fucking delicious

>be me
>American
>don't cook so I go to mcdonalds for the 2nd time today
>get shot
>nigger stole my mcdonalds
>mfw

>making hot dogs
>accidentally cooked my dog

your doing it wrong, go take your obsession somewhere else

...

Because microbes that cause spoilage are not necessarily pathogens.

what fucking medicine do you think will help you

>depressed
>make a grilled cheese sandwich with ham instead of cheese
>feel less depressed

painkillers probably

>hungry
>put eight hot dogs on a plate
>cheese on top of hot dogs
>microwave
>add mustard and spicy rooster ketchup
>add milk
>less hungry now

>That frying pan is hot?
>It is and the hand wet
>Curses!

nice

>come back home for christmass
>my mother still rinses dishes before putting them into the dish-washer
>keep telling her that the dish-washer will clean them, no need to waste water and time rinsing stuff
>still keeps doing it after all these years
It's not that it makes me angry anymore, it's just a pet peeve.

...

>Be amused by the snarky Wendy's twitter and memes a few months ago
>get fast food for the first time in literally years
It was pretty good, honestly, though the 4 for $4 was a bit too much food. No wonder Americans are so fucking fat. Effective marketing though.

>New oven, start preheating
>Completely naked
>Come back, oven is off
>Forgot that I have to press another button before it actually starts heating

>making dought for pizza
>getting perfect stickiness/consistency
>growing beaurtifully
>streches like a dream
>grows in the oven perfectly
>get it out, taste it
>mfw I forgot salt at the beginning, it's bland
Fuck me.

shouldn't matter, go to any italian deli and look at all the hanging meat

i spent a week in hospital when i was 14 because i spilled cup noodles on my dick
the bottom of my penis is still scarred

I get 195 degree water on my dick while I'm making coffee pretty much every morning. quit being a baby

I live alone so do most of my cooking naked. Tiny droplets of hot oil splash out on my tummy and penis most days of the week. It's not that bad. The pain quickly dissipates, and it doesn't even leave a mark. I'm more worried that about it going in an eye one day.

try not splashing hot water and oil on your dicks you fucking retards

>Go to make popcorn via the kernels.
>Turn on stove with pot + oil
>Go upstairs to play a game of Halo while i wait for the oil to heat up
>1 game of Halo turns into 3 bc im dumb
>FUK FUK FUK
>Run downstairs to see a 4 foot tall flame skyrocketing out of this pot
>FUK FUK FUK
>Immediatly slap a lid on that pan and suffocate that grease fire
>mfw we had high ceilings, so my parents never found out i nearly burnt the house down

Good I hope you lose your vision for quoting some gay ass cringy rap. Fucking loser

kill yourself

can't you buy something cheap and get a few in you before going out?

Neck yourself. Cringy faggot. Fuck that was such a cringy comment. Like who actually listens to that song

steroids,

I tore my retina pretty bad, and got steroid eye drops that helped fix it.

>Eating burritos wrapped in paper
>consume paper without noticing since it tastes like lettuce

I do that with starburst if the wrapper gets stuck

How would you have time to even play even one game of Halo while the oil heats up? There's barely time to go to the toilet.

I do this with in n out burgers

>canned lettuce

what a fucking cry baby. shut the fuck up

>via the kernels

excellent post sir

no recipe in the history of the world has ever called for "1/4 tb" of anything

Ok, you win.
Laughed like a fucking maniac

>>Making dough for the second time
>>Don't know shit about cooking
>>Put in 1/4 tbsp of sugar
>>Not gonna fuck it up this time
>>The recipe asked for 1/4 tsp
>>Only realised why the dough was still a bit sweet a few weeks later

Go read more recipes fuck tard

>>get distracted cook ramen to long so its all mushy and cant eat it
microwave it till the excess moisture is gone

you are both faggots but unlike him you're a faggot with shit taste
kill yourself

2 ingredients call for a quarter, what? why do you even breath, user?

Maybe it's your lettuce that taste like paper, your should try fresh one.

I bet he stole your bike too

a lot of bacon is uncured now

His popcorn runs GNU/Linux.

>Be at home alone one day
>Seriously need to beat it
>Can't find anything, so look in the pantry
>A stale old hot dog bun in the back
>Whythefucknot.jpg
>Take both halves, sandwich them together and start rubbing
>It feels scratchy like sandpaper, but good enough
>Now it starts hurting, like something is driving litle pins into my dick
>Thefuck
>Look down
>A fucking swarm of black is crawling all over me and down my legs
>AAAAAANTS
>immediately throw the bun on the floor and start stomping on it
>its hard as a rock so it doesn't break
>They're fucking everywhere
>Quickly run to the sink and start running cold water in an attempt to drown them
>the crafty fuckers all flee into the pubes
>screaming and sticking my hips further and further into the sink hoping to flood them all out
>Its not working
>Start slaming a fucking saucepan on my junk hoping to beat them off
>CLANG CLANG CLANG
>I look back up after being assured i got them all.
>Old lady across the way is looking at me in horror from outside
>She has a clear view of everything from the waist up and has probably watched me slamming myself with a sauce pan and screaming for the past 5 minutes.
>sheepishly wave and play it off as if Iw as working out and start doing some stupid flexes before sinking below the sink and out of site.

>>Be at home alone one day
>>Seriously need to beat it
>>Can't find anything, so look in the pantry
Have you considered using your hands?

I hope this is a pasta, but something tells me its not. Also, "the crafty fuckers all flee into the pubes" had me dying.

Allow me to interject

I really wish it was. wasn't one of my best moments.

>eating my weekend victory meal, 250,000 SHU yakisoba noodles
>slurping a huge amount of noodles
>one comes up and slaps me in my open eyes
>literally fucking cartwheel out of my chair and roll around on the floor screaming for water
>cant see for shit
>trip several times running to the bathroom
>turn on shower and rinse my eye out
>the shit i rinsed out just rolls into my other eye
>turned the shower head to jet stream while screaming as loud as humanly possible

the fucking pain was unbearable

Either you don't know how to read units, or you posted the wrong image.