What was BMW thinking when they designed this?

What was BMW thinking when they designed this?

It blows my mind people buy BMW's.

Idk what other shitboxes they put this in but my mom has a 2009 BMW 328xi

>mom calls me at 5 am today and tells me her car won't start
>go though 20 minutes of checking things before she decides to tell me she forgot to close the door to it last night
>battery is in the fucking trunk, Have to take everything out of the trunk to get to it
>can't jump it because of shitty design
>442 fucking dollars for new battery
>total wasted time = 3 hours

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Go drive a fucking corsa then, faggot.

If only they put an easily accessible jump post under the hood and told you wear it is in the owners manual

They dont want you to fix your own car.
Thats it and they made it pretty obvious when they remove the oil dipstick. You know you get into this when you buy a BMW.

If only I read the owners manual to cars I don't own and didn't buy.

Where is this mystery jump post?

Yes they're fuck, but fun.

this

even Chryslers with "LOL WHEEL WELL BATTERIES" have an engine bay boost provisions.

They hid it under a bright red cover, easy to miss, especially since this is secret information not available on the internet, but I'm willing to break NDA to help you out this one time

I'm sorry OP but you are retarded and you should never touch a vehicle again.
youtube.com/watch?v=T3P5thi0rJA

also
>actually paying 442 dollaroos for a new battery
you are fucked in the head user.

>FUCKING GARBAGE CAR!!!!
>doesn't open owner's manual

Yup this is Veeky Forums

>reported to government officials
u gonna get black bagged now m8.

its not easy or cheap going through life rock stupid.

Beamers suck! They are just an accessory like a woman's handbag to signify wealth.
Anybody who is happy about a 500$ battery is a fucking consumer cucklord.
If you truly like diving then you get something simple that has RWD a manual gearbox and manua steering so you can feel the road.
If you think BMW is the best then your clearly a soft candy ass who need 600 lbs of interior crap & padding to rest you vagina on.

youre a fucking idiot op, there are obvious battery terminal posts in the engine compartment. read the owners manual. i hope to god you didnt hook jumper cables on the power distribution box, youll fry the replaceable fuses in it. the "stupid design" you talk about is to achieve superior weight distribution compared to the ameritrash cars youre so used to. this is how bmw makes a 3200lb car feel nimble.
they removed the dipstick, but you can still check your oil level via the instrument cluster or idrive. they now use an oil level sensor so you dont need to access the engine compartment to check, and the sensor also checks oil condition fore service forecasting (condition based service)

"Stop liking what I don't like"

*non-replacable fuses

>superior weight distribution
>328
>xi

its not a sports car you fuck stick

Oh c'mon this is stupid. BMW don't want you to fix your own things.

then why is there a parts department in every dealer that is accessible to the public? just because youre too stupid to do it doesnt mean other are too.
so because its not an m car, bmw cant adapt superior engineering techniques in their cars?

I love driving and I enjoy my 2013 "womans handbag" BMW with manual transmission and rwd. You are a biased close minded idiot though

all BMWs have had 50/50 weight distribution (or very close to it) since about forever, no matter if sports car or economy car

within 3% if we want to get technical

you jump it from under the hood, actually, there are terminals under the hood specifically designed for that

also
>its in the trunk for weight distribution
>the big red thing is actually a safety explosive disconnect for when the airbags deploy, it pops off the battery so there's much less risk of electrical fires after a crash.
>there's little flaps on the red thing you can pop open to access the positive terminal.

you could have found this out by just goggling "jump start "

also don't think i defend modern bmw, i just have a soft spot for the e90 since it was my first car
modern bmw just doesn't have the performance and fun to justify the engineering, with the exception of the 2 series

>nobody in this thread bothered to mention that a new BMW battery has to be programmed into the onboard ECU
>dats why they $350+
t. AAA roadside bro

Tell me you enjoy when your mil light turns on too cause that's why I think BMW owners buy those plastic shits.

Buying a BMW after 2005? Kek

Oh gee thats sure helps me being the poor fucking lube monkey who has to change that shit when it dies

You're retarded and sadly, it's not BMWs fault.

You should legitimately consider suicide you stupid fuck. How could you not fucking figure it out? And was that fucking battery made out of goddamn unobtanium directly from a Na'vi's asshole?

the reason is because the alternator does "smart charging" and you basically need to tell it when a new battery is in there so it can re-learn its charging process.

you can do it yourself using the icarly app and one of their dongles

Wow. You sound like your
Blood pressure just hit 11

...

If you think that battery is challenging you aren't going to make it past being a lube tech anyway, so might as well enjoy it

you can pick up a fucking battery at autozone for your car for about $150.


kek

Have fun with that for a couple
Months.

>he doesnt know that there are only two battery manufacturers in the US and one of them is far larger than the other and that means that many batteries are exactly the same.

>he paid 200+% extra for the cheap battery with the BMW sticker on it

What the actual fuck.

I'll stick with my internally regulated Denso thankyouverymuch.

>A retard appears...

Lol OP is a fucking retard

20 minutes?!

20 FUCKING MINUTES.,

To figure out the battery is dead.....OP you can go fuck yourself

Never reproduce

to be fair german cars are shit and what would be a dead battery on a normal car can be 100 different things on a german car because of their shittastic "engineering"

True story .

Johnson and? What's the other one? I'm thinking of getting the top tier battery with a longass warranty for my car just to not deal with it for the next 5 years.

This. I had to jump start some dudes mercedes. I was ranting whole time of how shifty their design is because I had to remove some kind of filters in order to get to the battery only to find plus link in the top left corner after it already started.

Battery terminals in engine bay.

Johnson Controls and Exide.

The highest quality batteries are made by East Penn Manufacturing. The DEKA batteries.

Johnson Controls are complete dogshit with most of it made in China.

You can replace it with normal battery/wet/dry/ not agm , but need the same ah/ capacity, different capacity need reprogramming from BMW dis/tis/whatever scanner they have. To jump battery were under bonnet been like that since 90 models.

>>can't jump it because of shitty design
you know everyone else would think "Hmm, maybe I am the problem here" at this point.

Oh really, I would like you to explain this in detail for a bit. You sound like an expert after all.

>Go to start car
>Won't swing

The first fucking thing you check is the battery. Not the ignition, not the starter, not the keyfob, not the head gasket, not the start button

>this list
So you don't know what you're talking about at all. I'm not surprised.

german """engineering"""

yeah because worn out engine mounts are a problem exclusive to BMW

If you encapsulate your mount design your drivetrain play is more limited than pic related. Also a motor mount wearing out before the engine is fucking pathetic.

BMWs are wonderful machines everyone else should buy. They don't go for much at dealer auctions since they are hideously expensive to work on. Just buy them new and trade every couple of years.

BMW are known to be stiff cars. No wonder why bushings, mount and suspensions parts are replaced a lot.

> Also a motor mount wearing out before the engine is fucking pathetic.

There's a positive and negative terminal under the hood for jumping you monumental dipshit. Putting it in the trunk keeps the battery cleaner and makes it last longer due to less heat exposure.

Furthermore the lights on the car are on a timer to prevent the battery from being run down.

If the engine dies first, how would you know you need a motor mount?

BMWs are shit, but do you even hear yourself, nigger?

A piece of rubber wearing out before metal is pathetic. HURF A DURF, get the fuck out of here. Engine mounts wear out on every car.

>Also a motor mount wearing out before the engine is fucking pathetic
What the fuck am I reading.jpg

I feel like op predicament never happened and this is yet another in the recent crop of bmw hate threads.

Exide went bankrupt now it's Johnson and East Penn

I agree these battery housings are annoying but you're a retard if you cant jump it

>>go though 20 minutes of checking things before she decides to tell me she forgot to close the door to it last night


That shouldn't drain a battery, even my 2004 E46 switches everything off after a few minutes if you leave a door open.