What the fuck

Car started pulling some bullshit a while ago where it took multiple tries to start or it would crank indefinitely. Recently it the engine would start and then cut off immediately but it would crank like usual. Never got any fault codes from any of this, not even a service light.
Went to O'Reilly's to get the battery checked and they said the battery is fine. Started the car and it runs like brand new, no delay with the gas, really responsive, starts instantly on the first crank.

Two days later and its back to the bullshit it started with. I give it three days this time before it starts cutting off immediately after startup until i try to start the car several times again.

What the fuck did that battery check do and what the fuck is happening?

Your battery is probably marginally charged, when you drove it to o'reily's the alternator could have done a surface charge. I'm sure those lazy cucks didnt take the time to do a legitimate crank. Batteries can seem fine until you let them rest for a while.
Get yourself a Volt-Ohm-Meter and check voltage after it sits for a night user.

>legitimate test
not crank

Alternator's shitted.
Rip.

what year is your car? when the battery test was performed did the take the battery out of the car?
An oddball unexpected problem could be key security issue. At times my wife's absolutely horrible piece of shit jeep would kill ignition if it thought a non authorized key was used.
Unhook battery for 5 mins or so, reconnect and it would be fine.

>2000
>no
>only other issue with the key was that it sometimes wouldn't unlock the passenger and both rear doors. Also the distance is noticeably smaller so key issues are def on the table

Just to let you and all the people who've posted, I'm sure you're all fine people who just don't know anything about cars, if it's cranking, it's not the fucking battery or the alternator. You probably have an issue with the crank or cam sensor, or possibly the ignition module. Vatozone can test ignition modules, maybe O'Reilly's can too. Have the codes read too, the check engine bulb can burn out just like your head lights. If nothing there, you probably have to perform a few more drive cycles before it sets a code.

>the check engine bulb can burn out just like your head lights
No I know the check engine light works because its set to turn on when you switch the keys in the "on" position.

I was just covering all the bases trying to help you. Did you read the rest of my post? You know I'm doing this for free, right? I usually get paid $28 an hour to diagnose some shithead 's car. Not saying you're a shithead, but you probably are.

chill out my guy im just saying that the check engine light works

check for spark then. Cam or Crank position sensor would be my next guess.
I just remember of my wife's horrible aweful jeep it wouldn't even crank when key security was an issue.

I know, this board has me me jaded. But seriously, if your car has a removable ignition module, have it tested. If not, you're probably going to have to drive it longer to get a code to set. You can also get it running and start tug testing. Locate sensors on the engine and while it's running, tug and pull on the connectors gently. If it dies while doing that you're on to something. But more importantly, why won't you just say what car it is? Can be very helpful.

Would you believe me if I told you I replaced everything you've said aside from the key?

Honestly I would put a list of repairs I've done but they were all small and cheap so it would take all day to compile.

Just want to point out that multiple dubs have pointed to cam/crank sensor.

2000 bmw 323i but I don't think it will throw an error eventually for the following reason:
>Its been doing the first bullshit for a while but I just dealt with it because it's an old car
>DSC, BRAKE, and ABS lights come on in the following order of starts:
>1) ALL
>2) DSC and ABS
>3) NONE
>Checked for a code every time this happened until I just gave up on finding one since the lights would go away after the third start
>Checked when it wasn't starting, still no code
>Checked on both days it was doing this
>Checked this morning when it started the bs again

All those dubs have been checked

Also its worth mentioning that the lights meant absolutely nothing as the brakes, emergency brakes, abs, and dsc and tcs would function properly when the lights were on

CAM SENSOR
A
M

You might be fucked. Where do you live? If you're close and can bring it to my shop I'll look at it for you for free.

been replaced 3 months ago i believe

I live in the middle of nowhere but its cool I got a family friend who diagnosed a lot of other crazy shit that's happened to this car before, like when I hade a service light every two weeks no matter what we replaced. I swear this car is spooky the car works fine until it's about time to get an inspection sticker.

My dad (who owned the car for a year about three years ago) is saying its the eccentric shaft sensor.

Still trying to find out how he knows this because its $$$.

You could also check the coolant temp sensor. I used to have a Golf and the sensor went, but I couldn't figure it out for weeks. Sometimes it was fine, other times the idle would shoot up. It was about 50/50 if it would start when warm. If it had the issue, it would crank fine, but didn't really even try to start until after a few goes.

Run some fuel system cleaner through it