ITT: Dick things you would do if you were a car manufacturer

ITT: Dick things you would do if you were a car manufacturer

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>make sporty coupe that's reliable, has a good chassis, has all proportions spot-on for a sporty RWD coupe
>make it FWD

>Make a really cool sport coupe
>RWD, light, looking agressive, and affordable
>Then, that's the devilish part, I would only put a shitty NA 2.0 with only 200hp!

Don't forget the Grand Canyon in the middle of the torque curve.

Fuck you at least my 86 can drift for days. Bet your faggot civic can't do that

>make a car designed purely for driving pleasure
>make it so small that taller people can't fit in

LANKLETS GET FUCKED

>make great cars and sell them for suitable prices
>watch as Veeky Forumstistic poorfaggots apply 20 layers of mental gymnastics as to why they're bad

>design heavy duty work truck
>make it out of aluminum

...

>create sports car with engine position that's objectively a very bad idea
>refine it for some 50 years so it's one of the best sports cars in the world anyway
>create cheaper model with engine in the right place
>gimp it like hell because it can't surpass muh tradition

...

Too bad you they had to put low grip eco tires to be able to do that :3

Why did you photoshop the hole to be smaller?

>Acquire several manufacturers
>Assure that each one will a special focus
>Have them all make the same FWD ecoboxes anyway

SPBP

hi VAG

yeah but i have my C O O L V I B R A T I O N S

>stuff in the engine bay (coolant reservoir, clutch master, ABS unit, washer reservoir and so on) are all fastened with different types of bolts with different heads
Some phillips, some flat, some torx

>car designed to be small and light
>country of origin has much smaller average height

>make a cool new mustang that can actually turn
>refuse to put the ecoboost V6 in it because it would be so much better than the V8

>Require expensive, special tools that are only good for specific models to service the car.
>Write "see dealer" for everything in the do-it-yourself section of the owners manual
>say that the ATF never needs to be changed. That way the tranny self destructs and the customer knows it is time for a new car. Customers need to be told when it's time for a new car otherwise they would keep them too long and hurt sales. 200k miles is the max anyone should expect out of their car.

I'd hide muffins all throughout the car.

>Miata is essentially a Japanese updated version of the MGB
>does not have the MGB's leg room

>make the perfect RWD sports car, perfect engine, perfect weight distribution, perfect power to weight ratio for maximum fun
>only offer it with a garbage autotragic slushbox

>Get hold of Lancia
>Promise a new Delta Integrale
>Hype it up
>A month before reveal drop
>"A modern interpretation that enthusiasts will appreciate :^)"
>Geneva comes around
>"We are pleased to present
>the modern
>the eco-concious
>Hybrid Delta Integrale
>Crossover"
>Based on the Juke Chassis
>No manual
>AWD only on "Evoluzione", the all-electric model

I think he meant GM.

I mean I'm all for the corvette and camaro and I mean they should have some econoboxes of course but....

I mean look at buick, Cadillac, Opel, and chevys econoboxes. All the same shit owned by the same company

Also trucks. GMC, chevy, and even Cadillacs Escallade truck monstrosity are the same fuckig things

>make the perfect RWD sports car chassis
>only sell it as a 150 hp hybrid

desu,
VAG is the GM of Europe, and the other way around.

Make shitty cars for decades and then take a bailout and then keep making shitty cars

engine under windshield with transverse engine, have coupe with bucket seats in back where seats make your knees 45degrees up from your ass
thats normal

american way desu

also I forgot to mention saturn. Before GM killed it, it was also some more fucking econoboxes. Pontiac also was to a certain extent, but pontiac had some cool shit

>make car with rust prone areas unreachable without cutting metal or octopus tentacle dexterity

>use 11mm and 15mm nuts
>replace all allen screws with torx

>friend has a 6th gen monte carlo
>i don't know much about chebby
>i learn it only came in FWD automatic

What the actual fuck, GM

>wanting to pay V8 money for a V6 in your muscle car

...

this is more of a dick move. no transmission options is something no one should try to deffend

>make good vehicles that outshine other brands in that category
>give the car a expensive mechanical Achilles heel that will fail just outside mfr. warranty
>deny all knowledge of a problem

its like nobody is coming up with anything original and are just going to do what manufacturers already done. i guess thats the joke but cmon

That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard

that sounds like shit.

You fucking monster.
>also, make the model for the european market use bolts measured in inches

Use shitty cab forward design which reduces engine bay space for things like batteries, and put the battery in the wheel well instead of in the trunk like any sane person would

>build commercial-grade trucks with rust prone oil pans
>require engine to be removed and turned upside down for new pan gasket to cure, incurring large labor costs

oh wait Ford already did that lol

>Not using a mix of imperial and metric bolts

Lmfao what car is that

And switch them around for the American market model.

fucking this. especially when they are transverse and have the exhaust or intake is directly in a space under the windsheild wipers or bumper. i dislike having to remover everything around it to get there.

>Use seat adjusters that are like office chairs which violently drop you to the floor as soon as you touch the height adjustment.
>Animal Crossing Resetti-like lecture when you start the car (unable to drive) every time you use regular fuel instead of premium

Most fwd chryslers from the late 90s to the 2014 avenger

And your post contributed so much to the discussion too!

>do extensive research to ensure my performance/enthusiast oriented cars have styling that appeals to effeminate homosexual consumer base, and are bought by them in large numbers

>watch gleefully as straight enthusiast consumers go "wat do"?

Torture would be preferable to this happening.

>have nice regular sized hood/engine bay
>put battery in the wheel well anyway

>Be Subaru
>Make estate version of the popular WRX STi model
>Make it automatic only

......oh wait, they already did this. What the fuck were they thinking???

>also sell it literally everywhere except the US which is their biggest market
I love Subaru but damn they can be pants-on-head retarded sometimes

Fusible links and torx EVERYWHERE.

Actually I think you're right. Me try bit harder.

>have all power options like seats, mirrors, steering wheel slowly lose their settings
>employ eye detection so dashboard warning lights sporadically light up, but go off the instant they're looked at. False alarm? You decide!
>Hands-free car phone that mimics your voice, makes lewd comments when calling people (like your boss)

>car repeatedly beeps for the entire time you are going above the speed limit (limits are determined by GPS programs)
>car displays end user license agreement and requests digital signature every time you drive

Wouldn't it be easier to just leave the engine in and turn the entire truck upside down

No?

The bad joke here is that John Deere tractors already do the EULA thing.

>promote and financially back federal law that car GPS sends data back to the insurance provider every time driver speeds
>car GPS learns your routes and audibly suggests more efficient ones. Its suggestions may not be actually possible. New EPA law states this feature cannot be disabled.

FUCK OFF VOLKSWAGEN

650 HP V10

Fwd
No LSD
3 speed automatic
Solid front and rear axle
Rear engine
Recirculating ball steering

You also forgot Oldsmobile, who arguably fell the furthest.

Are those battery terminals just out and exposed to all the water and salt and shit from the wheel well?

That... seems like a really bad idea.

>Animal Crossing Resetti-like lecture when you start the car (unable to drive) every time you use regular fuel instead of premium
IF YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE FOR REAL

No, there's an inner fender liner you have to remove to get to the battery. Either way, chryslers engineering team must be ordering paste by the truckload for lunch every day.

>make a 4200 pound, 18 foot long land barge with enough seat space to fit three and a half nuclear families
>give it a tiny glovebox that barely fits your insurance paperwork, cubbies in the doors that have no lids and are too small to store anything in, and no under-seat trays
>and the only cup holders will be two tiny plastic pieces of shit that fold out of the dash and can't even hold a soda can without tipping

OH WAIT. SOMEONE ALREADY
FUCKING
DID
THAT.

Make the BRZ slower than ancient family sedans

Holy shit this
>tfw my carry gun doesn't fit in my MGM's glove box

gold/10

>mid engine
>3300 lbs
>FWD
>crossover

>Hide awkwardly placed equipment and fuel/brake lines behind patented Scunge Trap-r panels, now with X-tra Fragil plastic screws! Guaranteed to trap muck and rust out whatever's behind it faster than ever!

>battery in trunk half under rear pane
>oil filter surrounded by exhaust piping
>11mm, two different torx bits and a proprietary bolt holding splash guard on
>speaking of battery let's make the contacts as huge and awkward as possible
>no dipsticks of any kind
>have to remove parts from engine bay to get to air filter
>cabin filter near completely inaccessible
>wheel bolts
>proprietary OBD plug in a la VAGCOM required for just about everything
>engine covered by no less than ten panels
>transverse mounted boxer engine
>FWD

Shill the fuck out of car subs and anything car-related on Reddit, apparently. Especially if Tesla and other small competitors were giving my big-name car company a run for its money.

>Be Subaru
>Make perfect small SUV version of WRX
>Don't have STI option
>Make it a pigfat crossover after a few years

>Be Subaru
>Make perfect ute version of your station wagon
>Gimp performance and stop making them

>Be Subaru
>Collaborate with Toyota to make a fun affordable RWD coupe
>Give it 200HP
>torque dip

>Be Subaru
>Make a decent not quite crossover with decent stock offroad capabilities and other practical nicities
>148HP

>Be Subaru owner
>List 13 year old car with auto transmission for 10k I know what I got no lowballers tastefully modded with STI floormats STI stickers and performance fart cannon

>Be Subaru owner
>List 13 year old STI for 15k great condition only needs engine rebuild also minor front damage
>All frontal bodywork is gone

I love Subarus but god damn.

Oh nearly forgot
>Be Subaru
>Make station wagon
>Stick giant A pillar where it blocks your side vision

Be a 2014 Subaru Outback owner.

- Make headlights require that we remove front wheel and jack car up to change.

- Make backup camera not waterproof and not under warranty when it stops working because you had the temerity to take it out in the rain.

>- Make headlights require that we remove front wheel and jack car up to change.
No fucking way

Hire the entire Ford aesthetic design team responsible for their 1996 - 2004 series of vehicles and standardize this Disney bubble princess shit look for all future models of cars / trucks.

WTF were they thinking?!?!?!?

Look, you CAN bend the fuck out of the wheel well plastic to do it, but look at the video below.

youtube.com/watch?v=c2h1Ep2rYs8

I still love the car, but you know the engineer in Japan who does this tortures cats in his spare time.

>There will never a be 'stang styled like this

Great thread BTW OP. I could spend all day on this.

Standardize the upside down oil filter holder that Toyota uses on their recent Tacoma's. It makes a n oil change much more fun because you need a turkey baster to clean up all the fucking slop in the catch cup that ALWAYS overflows.

You know it was some fat dump somewhere in Toyota who came up with this idea because he was too lazy to go under the truck and do it the way the rest of the civilized automotive world does.

Good news!
There's a simple way to deal with this.
youtube.com/watch?v=aNyidq8iWD4

But Saturns are cool my dude

>Build a coupé that looks fast as fuck
>make it underpowered and fwd

proprietary security drives in various sizes on all bolts and screws

engine switches itself off everytime it comes to a stop.

Oh wait.

Best part is that putting anything in the cup holders blocks the HVAC controls.

not underpowered and handled great.

no.

>be automaker
>make car that fulfills all Veeky Forumsmeme requirements
>rwd
>manual
>under 25k new
>under 2800lbs
>350+ horsepower
>reliable
>easy to work on
>indepenent suspension all around
>4 wheel disc brakes
>go promptly out of business because
that's impossible to do without losing money in every car

>Design an aggressive sedan
>"So, should we offer something that only BMW is currently tapping or go compete with absolutely everybody else?"

These motherfuckers require similar effort, JUST TO CHANGE A HEADLIGHT BULB.

Aren't the 911 race cars mid engine now

>make decent sporty-ish premium-ish sedan with neat as fuck rev-happy low-displacement V6 engine
>FWD

Sounds like a impala