Never had this happen before.
Went to crank up the car. The dashboard flashed, and nothing happened. Lights don't work, car doesn't crank at all. Battery and connections to said battery are just fine.
What the fuck is causing this? Lights should at least turn on even if the car won't start. Battery is all good but it's like the car doesn't think it exists.
Starter
Just had the starter replaced two days ago.
Would the starter cause the lights not to work at all?
Your battery is dead. This is like the most common problem cars ever have. You probably left the ignition switched on or some lights on.
Tested the battery. It's fine. Everything's connected.
Had the car serviced a week ago and the battery was 100% good.
clean the terminals dipshit
I did. This has nothing to do with the battery.
blown fuse
100 amp alternator fuse is the hardest to diagnose
Time to check fuses & fusible links.
Post car year/make/model/engine
If not then it's something very near to the battery. That's the only spot that can cause literally everything electrical to stop working. Maybe your car is so new that everything goes through the computer? How awful.
>through the computer? How awful.
there are worse things
fuses.
So I decided to beat the wires that connect the battery with my flashlight and jerk them all around and now it's suddenly working.
What the shit.
Sounds like either a spotty terminal or a damaged cable somewhere.
Check your terminal clamps.
Not really car smart enough to do that, so I'm gonna wait for a day off and take it to an auto repair place.
That seems pretty simple to me. We could instantly diagnose OP's problem would HAVE to be the battery's connection at or before the start solenoid or chassis ground.
I feel pretty confident OP just has a parasitic short somewhere that is draining his battery overnight though.
It's the easiest thing, just check if the clamps on the battery terminals are tight.
If they're not, tighten them. They usually have a bolt for that.
Just don't bridge the terminals with a wrench or something.
Oop I guess I was wrong. So yeah, tighten down your battery terminal clamps, Dingus.
Dammit. I hate prezo, but hes always right.
Next i bet he'll say to finger fuck the terminal clamp with sandpaper...
I don't have any tools at all. Minimalism has some downsides.
You're ignition switch might be fucked, m8. Not the lock part, but the plastic switch that sits on it.
Go to Harbor Freight and buy a $3 pair of locking pliers
Buy a God damn wrench!
Even if you're minimalist you should at least have a couple wrenches and a screwdriver
>this thread