Hello Veeky Forums I come to you requesting assistance...

Hello Veeky Forums I come to you requesting assistance. I work in subsaharan africa on and off throughout the year but know fuck all about the place before us bongs discovered it/shot everyone/enormously improved the lives of those we didn't shoot.

What secondary sources would you recommend for reading up on Africa below the Sahara from say 1 AD to 1700 AD? Please assist this tiny octopus, tiny octopus would also be grateful if user wished to impart interesting African history. If user wishes I will requite useful posting with tales of Africa circa AD 2016

UNESCO - General History of Africa

Well that was easier than I thought. Tiny octopus is pleased.

Are there any other works you or other anons might recommend?

Tell us some weird shit about Africa user

Happy to oblige boss.

So at one point I'm living in the bush with bwana reverend and he's basically this Idi Amin character. Same build same laugh (like that gif actually). Five ft change tall and about the same wide. He's 68 when I knew him. Even without knowing he had a black belt in karate I'd not pick a fight with him. So although he isn't a big talker he has this habit at dinner time where he claps his hands and goes "and now the wine" and then he suddenly starts talking. Generally though he didn't speak much or at all.

We bonded over the fact that (the local council having burst the pipes again) only he and I could lift these big water drums that we filled up for the community from a place about nine miles away. So we'd drive out after dusk in his old pickup with the empty barrels bouncing off each other in the back. Him with his hands on the wheel and me either in the passenger seat saying nothing or up in the back smoking. Neither of us saying a damn thing but pretty happy about it.

Well one night after I've been living there a few weeks he says "in my life I've killed four men."

Anyway so I'm not really sure what to do with this information.

I just kinda grunt and wonder if this is how I die.

He tells me that in the eighties it was common for gangs to come to houses and smash their way in through the gate and break a window. They would shout through the broken window, give us your car keys and wallet or we are coming in. Sometimes they didn't take only those. Anyway this happens to him and his family. He is not best pleased. So he takes his machete and waits (the houses have burglar bars and are made of concrete blocks) the gang don't get an answer so they fire a shot into the house.

This really pisses him off. His family are in their rooms hiding and anyone could have been hit. So (his words now) "I waited for the first one to come in. Him I got in the face. The second was the one with the gun. He was not a very good shot. Arm then chest. The third one ran. I was faster."

And I'm mostly just thinking fuck...

"What about the fourth? You said four?"

Then he does the huge idi Amin laugh.
"That one I'll tell you about next time we have a drink."

>rest of car ride in silence.

Amazing...

May we have moar?

It's less violent after this mostly but sure. As long as I'm awake (which won't be long) but I promise to dip in and out of the thread and posts on his last long enough that this'll still be here for a day or two.

>be me
>be away from normal place for a couple weeks.
There's this guy outside where I'm living selling mangoes. I'll talk to anyone and he's there basically all day and most of the night. I don't even fucking like mangoes but I'll sit and have a smoke with the guy.
Tells me he was in the army (of third world nation) I'm a sucker for an old soldier.
I have a thought.
>be here tomorrow at eight am. No earlier no later.
He's there at eight am.
Fucked can tell time.
>I'll give you (a dollar) if you iron and Millitary press this shirt.
He brings the fucker back the next day with creases you could kill an elephant with.
Be having a think about this. Guy can tell time, does what he's told and is trustworthy (shirt worth way more than the dollar).
Mention him to client. Client needs night watchman. Say I'll ask him on the condition I get to tell army dude he can have a trial job.
Dude practically bursts into tears. Invites me to dinner with his family.
Get mobbed by small brown children who are ecstatic that now they can afford to go to school.
Sit and have a beer with the guy when he gets his first weeks pay.
>I still fucking hate mangoes.

anudder

OK. Last one.
This one isn't actually africa but kind is.
>be me
>be inna deep south USA
> have beer at local bar I would go to while there.
>it's the chefs birthday. Everyone is pinning dollar bills to his shirt because that's a thing apparently.
Do the same but also buy chef a beer and drink it with him before I go home.
Months later go back to bar. Guy remembers me and and everything about me. He's explaining (I've totally forgotten who he is) that I made him feel like a person.
Chef is black. Just treated him like any African I'd meet (with a large grain of salt to that but you learn quick in africa)

Actual story africa story
Bit sad.
>be inna bush again
>day off wanna go onna duck hunt.
There's this unholy smash and bang. Start making for the sound and hear the wailing already of women.
There's this little kid who is oh so fucking dead. Like dead dead. He's been hit by a car on its way into another car. Drivers and everyone else is screaming at everyone else.
"Bwana mzungu do something anything save my boy please"

...

I know enough medicine to put on a band aid. This kid ain't coming back.

Check for a pulse. None. Hold zippo over his mouth and near his nose (the body of it not the flame, looking for condensation).
This kid is dead dead dead. I mean his legs are basically jelly and look ok he's dead.
>give CPR as best I can to a dead kid for five minutes before doing my best Dr face. "I'm sorry. I did everything I could"

>shoot ducks.
>get really really drunk later.
>be inna office.
Working with nice (third world country)ian who has a massive crush on pretty white chick who works near us. He beckons me over one day. "Boss boss boss, read this."

He's written her a poem. It's actually not bad. An honest to goodness sonnet.

As far as I know she still has it in a little frame on her desk.

Those were great stories. Thank you user.

If there's particular interest I'll keep telling stories. You guys can AMA but it's not really board related. Well I guess it's contemporary history.

He's cool as fuck

Most people don't know anything about Africa. Any anecdote is appreciated. By the way which country/countries are you visiting?

Well as long as there's still folk around I'll keep talking.

In answer to your question, mostly Zambia with bits of Zimbabwe (or what /k/ insists is the great tragedy of Rhodesia - they're actually right for the most part). SA, Malawi, Tanzania.


I don't really know what user would like to hear about so I'll just keep rambling until someone tells me otherwise.


I developed a habit (suicidally stupid in SA) but in Zambia I feel pretty safe anywhere I go - Zambia as lax gun laws, knives are not a regular thing and I wouldn't exactly be wandering around the CBD at 2 in the morning on a Tuesday - I can do this as a white guy, not if I was a white woman).

So it's like 4pm and it's hot as balls. Finished my meeting. I see a little hole in a wall bar and it's the only time I've ever walked in someplace and the record scratched.

It was pretty dark inside and you just see eyes. Lots of eyes.

I'm loving the stories, Africanon. We don't really hear much out of there, besides tales of sadness and strife. If I may ask, as you've been rather discreet about the places you've visited, what were you doing in Africa?

As you've been looking for stories of Africa's past, do you have a lot of understanding of recent African History?
I've been fascinated by the 2nd Congo War because it's so huge yet there's very little general knowledge about it, besides small snippets I've got like pic related.
Do you have any personal stories or anecdotes you've heard of anything regarding the War or further understandings regarding the conflict? I've tried reading a bit about it, but my unfamiliarity with Africa as a whole makes understanding the geography of the political climate a bit difficult.

Thanks user, I enjoyed this a lot.

So I'm kind of experiencing that moment in westerns where everything goes quiet. I've picked up a fair amount of local speak (Nyanja/cyanja depending on who you're talking to - I've also got a good stab at some Krio if I have to which is another story all together).

I'm not exactly expecting to die, but I'm one white bloke in a three piece suit - I'm eccentric enough and it's actually a lot cooler than wearing it with just trousers and a jacket.

The bar is basically a few boards on some breezeblocks and an oildrum.

My kinda place.

It's not exactly scary but I've never felt quite so out of place.

"Me fuma mosi, chisagu bwana."

White people don't really speak Nyanja, so there's this wonderful kinda "Holy shit, what are you?" moment, and I came to love that, in fact I kinda learnt to play on it. In my experience, Africans love it if you make the effort but they also love good wordplay in English, so if you've any kind of what the Irish call craic, then you're golden.

Anyway, someone at the bar just says "I think I'll get you a beer" and that's how I made a lot of friends.
>Lesson, learn to speak local.

>On Taxis
Ok so African taxis are kinda...an art. They can be first world taxis, they can also be magical contraptions held together by love and duct-tape. If you think about it, when a decent wage is like $100 a month, if you've got a car and you earn $20 a day, you're actually pretty well off.

So taxi drivers will just concentrate in random areas under trees or whatever, and a white face at night and they all start clamouring. They also assume you've no idea where you're going or that you know what the price is.

>How to get a taxi
So there's about six or seven guys all going "boss boss taxi boss?" and if you pick one, then off you go and enjoy your $30 taxi.

Instead, pick one at the back, "how much to [place]?" He says "X," Divide by two, add 10% (=Y), "Ok he says X, I say Y" and someone is going to stick their hand up. Magic.

You're welcome user. I'll keep rambling when I dip in and out.

I've mentioned a few different places but I don't like being too precise as in theory I'm semi-doxable with a little info scattered around, while any revelation about that isn't exactly going to hurt my profession (I'm a consultant - sales, management and procurement with legal bits as well) I like to keep a little bit of mystique. I also tend to have a lot of fingers in a lot of pies business wise so it's just habit really.

>Recent African History
I pick up bits and pieces but I'm learning all the time. Even keeping abreast of developments on the continent on a daily basis is hard enough. There's a couple of free newsletters I can recommend for day to day stuff.

>Congo
I try to avoid doing busines there or anything to do with it. People talk about Congo like Americans talk about Baltimore or some other embarassing inner-city shithole.


When it comes to millitary stuff I considered selling millitary surplus for a while just to say I'd done it but it's not something I can reconcile with myself, it's also a pain in the arse to get out of Europe without giving some fucker named Sergei a load of vodka and dollars.

>Millitary cont.
I'm very, very fond of Zambia, like a lot.

Zambia has 77 tribes, they also have never had a war. They're extremely proud of this. No fighting with neighbours or amongst themselves since 1964.

The Zambian army is composed of [wiki]
3 x brigades
1 x Armoured regiment composed of a Tank Battalion and 1 Armoured Reconnaissance Battalion. U.S. State Department International Military Education and Training records from FY-2006 indicate a Zambian officer attended from 64 Armoured Regiment at Mikongo Barracks, east Lusaka.[1]
9 x Infantry battalions (including 3 reserve battalions)
1 x Artillery Regiment (1 MRL battalion and 2 Field Artillery battalions)
1 x Engineer Regiment

I love that they have a battalion of T55s. I'm not sure why, it just makes me really really happy.

The ZDF also have a lot of old colonial/north rhodesian stock arms wise. I've seen some things that'd make /k/ twinge, like Sterling SMGs being carried around by troopers who are about 1/4 of the age of the weapon.

Have my bump to this bizarre thread

So are the places is africa you've been to alright?
Like do they need to be /pol/ "fixed", or will they eventually reach western level standard of living on their own given enough time?

>Are the places you've been to alright?
Well it depends how you mean alright, they're third world countries trying to develop.

I've seen reports of witchcraft next to reports from the countries courts and financial news on the same page of a newspaper if that helps?

>Do they need to be /pol/ fixed
I'd argue /pol/ is a very good weather vane and/or lightning rod but less good at fixing anything. I guess what you mean though is do they need western help?

Well...yes, but guided help.

The Chinese model of colonialism is less than helpful and I genuinely don't like the thing but simply dropping money on Africa is also not the right thing. If however we went with a model where (for example) bongs train Africans where possible while doing business that would be quite useful. It's a massive skills gap and a complete lack of a middle-class that holds back stable African countries. There are some phenomenally wealthy people in Africa, I recently sold a brand new [luxury car - the company get really annoyed if they leave the UK to a country where their dealerships are] for a nice $212,000 before my comission. There's then the rest of the people, the 99% thing really holds true in Africa.

>How would I fix it?
Then that's going to take some /pol/ talk.

Anyway it's rather fun talking about all this stuff so if anyone would like to ask anything I'll try and give you an intelligent answer.

Have a nice photo.

10/10 stories user

I think it just ate my post. Anyway, will retell.

>Be working on mah car. Onna Saturday morning. Am underneath it trying to get her to gimme some loving.

Little voice I recognise is talk to my boots.
>Bwana Mzungu, can I ask you something?
Is little friendly kid who's always hanging around the street. Likes to come talk to me about whatever is going through his little head and I'm basically like having your own living alien.
"Sure little boss, what's up?"
>"Bwana Mzungu, what are stars?"
"Burning balls of hydrogen gas in the sky, oh so far away little boss, driven by nuclear reactions that constantly keep them exploding but one day even stars will get old and die. Why do you ask little boss?"
>That was beautiful bwana mzungu, which part of bible is that in?
>My pastor says stars are diamonds

Now I can't just come out and say Pastor is wrong, that'd be bad. Time to get thinking.
"Now bwana Pastor and I have read some of the same books, but there are a lot of other books, and I've read some he hasn't, do you think little boss, that your Pastor might be telling a story? Like a fable? You remember we talked about Aesop once? I told you about stupid crow and bad fox?"

>I think maybe I would like to learn more about this bwana Mzungu.

Smart little fucker. I hope he comes out ok.

That is one cute octopus.

Also these stories have been awesome.

bumping for interest.

>Then that's going to take some /pol/ talk.

I'm not a /pol/ack at all, but I'm curious what you would have said. Love your stories by the way.