Veeky Forums, please enlighten me on all of the absurdities that occurred during the crusades.
Preferably funny things that may have happened.
The Crusades
Cameron Howard
Jaxon Bell
did you ever hear of the children's crusade?
Adrian Nelson
The pope sent a huge faggot to fuck up the fifth crusade which could have been a quick success.
Cameron Bailey
There was that one battle where the crusaders fell into a ditch of shit and all drowned.
Liam Hughes
Didn't even get rid of Islam
Levi Mitchell
Is this for real?
Crazier shit has happened throughout the ages so I don't exactly doubt it.
Dylan Bennett
That's really funny shit.
Also bumbing with a Peter the Hermit
Samuel Powell
might be muslim shitposting, but whatever
Usamah tells another story, this one passed on to him by a bath attendant named Salim, who had once run a bathhouse in the town of Ma'arra. One fine day a Frankish knight came in to use the facilities. (Contrary to modern stereotype, medieval Westerners were not horrified by bathing; the crusaders took eagerly to local bathing customs.)
Salim was wearing a loincloth to serve as BVDs; the knight -- in keeping with a much later stereotype about the French -- wore nothing of the sort. Feeling perhaps that there should be no secrets in a bathhouse, the knight (quite rudely) pulled off Salim's loincloth, and discovered that his nether regions were shaved. I'll let Usamah tell the story from there:
"Salim!" he exclaimed. I came toward him and he pointed to that part of me. "Salim! It's magnificent! You shall certainly do the same for me!" And he lay down flat on his back. His hair there was as long as his beard. I shaved him, and when he had felt the place with his hand and found it agreeably smooth he said:
"Salim, you must certainly do the same for my Dama." In their language Dama means lady, or wife. He sent his valet to fetch his wife, and when they arrived and the valet had brought her in, she lay down on her back, and he said to me: "Do to her what you did to me." So I shaved her pubic hair, while her husband stood by watching me. Then he thanked me and paid me for my services.
Brayden Harris
Hah. That's pretty awesome.
Elijah Long
You're saying it like it's a bad thing
Owen Roberts
via Usāmah ibn-Munqidh, 12th century Arab Syrian.
"They brought before me a knight in whose leg an abscess had grown; and a woman afflicted with imbecility .To the knight I applied a small poultice until the abscess opened and became well; and the woman I put on a diet and made her humour wet."[20]
In contrast, the Frankish physician amputated the knight's leg causing him to die on the spot, and to the woman, he diagnosed that she had been possessed by a devil and made an incision in her skull which also killed the woman.
Dylan Brown
The crusaders running around Jerusalem's walls, barefoot and singing, hoping the walls would just fall down.
Owen Nelson
Shameless bump.
Robert Wilson
With sea jews, you lose.
Andrew Gomez
Siege of Jerusalem (1099). Kebab was removed that day.
Levi Morgan
>Christians: the crusades were a retaliation for hundreds of year of bloody Muslim invasions into Europe!
>Christians: hey let's persecute and kill Pagans for hundreds of years and burn down their sacred trees LOL
>Christians: waahhh the Vikings were so mean they killed us and burned our churches those Heathens!!!
Christians were the SJWs of their time, so this hypocrisy doesn't surprise me.
Dominic Wood
During the Fourth Crusade, the Crusaders were feuding with the civilian population, and one day they decided to besiege a mosque in the city. The Greeks came out to help defend it, and in the ensuing retreat the Franks set fire to the mosque which then spread and burned down a large quarter of the city.
Lucas Parker
actually funny story
thanks
Benjamin Howard
Probably the same Usama (12th century Arab writer) as before. Guy was never-endingly amazed at how them wacky Christians dealt with their women.
>Now this man (Christian wine merchant living in Nablus) returned home one day and found a man in bed with his wife.
>"What are you doing with my wife?" he demanded.
>"I was tired," replied the man, "and so I came in to rest."
>"And how do you come to be in my bed?"
>"I found the bed made up, and lay down to sleep."
>"And this woman slept with you, I suppose?"
>"The bed," he replied, "is hers. How can I prevent her getting into her own bed?"
>"I swear if you do it again I shall take you to court!"
>And this was his only reaction, the height of his outburst of jealousy!
But he had his heartwarming moments, too.
>"Everyone who is a fresh emigrant from the Frankish lands is ruder in character than those who have become acclimatized and have held long association with the Muslims." His aversion to newcomers was well justified. He was once berated by a recently arrived Christian for praying towards Mecca, rather than in the Christian manner towards the East. The Frank became so angry that he grabbed Usama and tried to wrestle him into an eastern direction. But several of the Knights Templar, who lived in Jerusalem and knew Usama well, rushed to his aid, pushing the zealous Frank aside and apologizing to the shaken Muslim, saying, "He is a stranger who has arrived in these days from the country of the Franks."
#notallcrusaders
(Source: Thomas Madden's A Concise History of the Crusades.)
Colton Sullivan
>children's
>crusade
When will this meme die?
Nathan Sanders
lmfao
Caleb Davis
>Implying the Teutonic Order was not requested by Poland to stop Lithuanian raids into Poland.
t. Butthurt Lithuanian Pagan LARP'er.
Easton Smith
Some people think King Richard the Lionheart and Philip II banged. Also, Richard was much more charismatic of a leader and many of the French troops liked him better than their own king. Richard eventually made Philip so butthurt that he went back to Europe early to plot against his alleged former lover.
Thomas Parker
Who are these "some people" and what evidence do they have of this?
Sounds like historical gay-goggles to me.
Justin Baker
Pagans and christcucks can be bros now that you guys are more sane. Your past was fucked tho just admit.
Oliver Johnson
fake
Ian Butler
ooga booga. Me strong pagan. Me proud. Oh look, other religion. much better . Me convert.
1500 years later
>Pagans and christcucks can be bros now that you guys are more sane. Your past was fucked tho just admit.
Sebastian Martin
they were such shitty people that they sacked constantinople, a christian city.
it's pathetic that 4channers want another one and act like the crusaders were somehow a chivalrous group of people
saladin was 10x the man any crusader was. at least he didn't butcher his own people.
fuckin' barbarians.
Andrew Morris
>at least he didn't butcher his own people.
You must not know how Saladin rose to power, ya dingdong
Anthony Ward
From what the Usāmah guy describes. They made for pretty decent people until they pick up a broadsword.
Joseph Sanders
>.
*,
Yes, yes it bothered me that much.
Ayden Jones
It was not absurd. At the time of the First Crusade, the populations of Asia Minor, Syria, and Palestine, though ruled by Muslims, were still overwhelmingly Christian. The “Crusading” campaigns of the Western Christian armies were justified at the time as a war liberating the Eastern Christians, whose population, lands, and culture had been devastated by centuries of jihad and dhimmitude.
Juan Adams
warfare and revolution =/= destroying an allied city that harbors and protects you.
nice strawman, though. tell me about all the good things that the crusaders did for society.
Luke Sanders
Kill muslims, kill Jews.
William Baker
t. Mehmet
Kayden Rivera
committing genocides isn't a good thing. that's objectively pretty depraved.
James Williams
>objectively depraved
Well, good thing the crusaders weren't as spooked.
Camden Rogers
>genocides
kys.
Eli Rodriguez
Have you ever actually opened a book about the Fourth Crusade?
Seriously, you seem to have based your entire opinion on just the fact the Crusaders ended up capturing Constantinople and ignored, well, EVERYTHING that led up to that.
>allied city that harbors and protects you
Jesus Christ, kid. Seriously, actually read something.
David Wilson
There was that time at Acre when besieged, without a chance in hell of escaping, the remaining Templars and Hospitallers undermined the tower they were in and brought it down on themselves and the Muslims trying to storm the building... at least I think it's funny.
Robert Rogers
>Pagan myth is highly scientific and even describes the big bang theory in its origin story pretty much exactly
>Ooga booga caveman religion
Pick one.
Jace Adams
Go on then!
Don't stop just there!
Jayden Baker
I'm not sure I get the joke.
Jack Roberts
...
Robert Davis
let me tell you about the most based crusader of all OP
>Be a holy roman emperor
>Ban trials of Ordeal because they're fucking stupid
>gets excommunicated
>twice
>promises to go on a crusade
>after two years of not sending troops, pope gets angry
>he goes when he is no longer expected to
>befriends the ayyubid sultan Al-Kamil by falconry
>given jerusalem and gets crowned "king of Jerusalem" for pure keks by al-kamil to make the pope butthurt
> Achieves the restitution of Jeruseleum, Nazareth and Bethlehem through diplomacy,whilst under double secret excommunication by the Pope
>all this without a single blood being spilled
>comes back triumphantly
>years later, speaks arab and invites based Averroës to his court
Nathaniel White
During the first crusade there were many would be crusaders crossing through the kingdom of Hungary who didn't quite bring enough supplies with them so they attempted to restock by basically ransacking the countryside creating a situation of lawlessness. It got so bad that the king had to step in and send an army to restore order by turning back or killing any crusaders who couldn't prove they had the means to make it to the holy land. An interesting parallel to the trouble Hungary had with migrants looting the countryside a couple years ago.
Nolan Bell
>During
That was the People's Crusade, which technically was not part of the First Crusade.
I know this sounds like a huge no true Scotsman, but.
>preludes the official start of the First Crusade chronologically
>not sanctioned by the Pope, so no indulgences to be gained
>no noble or church authority, just a ragtag mob of peasantry and freeriders
Luis Garcia
>saladin was 10x the man any crusader was. at least he didn't butcher his own people.
Except for the Shiites in Mesopotamia.
Why do you think Sadam Hussein fed Saladin's hero cult?
The meme about Saladin's great virtue is pretty much that, a meme.
>destroying an allied city that harbors and protects you.
Now this bothers me. Do you know about the crusade or are you just expressing knowingness?
Brandon Torres
> Saladin was secretly a Christian
Carson Price
>The meme about Saladin's great virtue is pretty much that, a meme.
um try again sweaty. he was acknowledged by europeans at the time to be the perfect example of a chivalrous knight, much to their confusion.
Ayden Ward
Stupor Mundi he was
Jose Jenkins
t. Faggot
Brody Walker
fine, then why the fuck did the crusaders besiege and sack catholic Zara?
Face it, the guys were a stupider, murderier bunch of football hooligans.
Caleb Perry
>sack Zara
Uhh to pay off the venetian debt?
>murderier
Oh ok didn't need to reoly to this one
Parker Lee
>whose population, lands, and culture had been devastated by centuries of jihad and dhimmitude.
no.
Ryder Taylor
In his chronicle on the First Crusade, Albert of Aix comments on the cannibalism at Ma'arra with the incomparable line: "The Christians did not shrink from eating not only killed Turks or Saracens, but even dogs!"
Leo Gutierrez
Hunter Harris
D E U S V U L T
Landon Lewis
This is actually just a description of the crusades.
Noah Smith
Why hello there
Wyatt Fisher
back to redd it
Jackson Bell
lmao
Luke Ortiz
During the Second Crusade, Eleanor of Aquitaine, the most badass woman in the history of the Middle Ages, probably cheated on her husband King Louis VII with her uncle, Raymond of Antioch. Her handmaidens were also blamed for the the disorganized nature of the Crusade.
Jaxon Sanchez
KEK good one
Adam Taylor
best part was, he amputated it by hacking at it with an axe.
not "chopped off in one blow", literally just starting hacking away at it until it fell off.
Asher White
Everything about Peter Bartholomew is quite funny
Asher Rogers
Goddamn kek
Chase Gomez
Fuck that asshole.
Joseph Carter
hahahahaha fuck living in the past.
Jack Moore
>Usāmah ibn-Munqidh
He makes it clear this was a rumor he heard, and that his actual experience with Frankish medicine was impressive. Funny how people leave that out to further their propaganda.
Ian Long
>I learn history from memes
Dandolo did nothing wrong
Alexander Brown
go away VIDF
Levi Smith
The fact that he was pretty much french himself might have helped.
Camden Bennett
One of the reasons there are lots of Christians in countries like Lebanon, but very few Christians in places directly in the holy land like Jerusalem, is because when the Crusaders got there, they wanted to purge the Muslims, so they started killing everyone.
They could tell the Jews apart because they dressed very differently, but couldn't tell the native Christians apart from the Muslims, so they killed them all,