Radio Yerevan

There is long line in front of shop, people are getting angry.

"Whose fault is this anyway?!" one asks.

"What do you mean whose? Khrushchev's" his friend responds.

"I've had it, I go kick his ass" first guy says and leaves. He returns an hour later.

"And? You kick his ass?" his friend asks.

"No, that line is longer."
Man goes to buy car. Dealer says:

Dealer "Alright, you have enough money, order will be ready in ten years"
Man "In ten years? But in the morning or afternoon?"
Dealer: "What does it matter?"
Man "I will be getting phone in morning"
Comrade Khrushchev visited ideal pig farm. In Pravda office there was discussion on how to caption front page photo. There were ideas of "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs" or "Comrade Khrushchev with pigs".

Final caption read "Comrade Khrushchev (third on left)"

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

The bottom XD

Pretty good

A trio of low level Soviet bureaucrats are finally allowed to visit Moscow on official business.

Two of them are excited with their newfound freedom, and spend the night in the hotel making naughty political jokes that they couldn't get away with at home.

The third one just wants to sleep.

So he goes down to the front desk, and asks them to bring up tea in ten minutes.

He goes up to the hotel room, picks up the lamp and starts talking into it. He asks the guy on the other end of the lamp to bring up tea in five minutes.

When the tea arrives five minutes later, the two guys with him look at each other, shut up, and prepare to go to sleep.

When he wakes up in the morning, he's the only one in the room. He goes down to the front desk to see where they've run off to.

The lady says "the KGB came during the night, they arrested your two friends"

"then why am I still here"

"the colonel liked that bit with the lamp"

>Dealer "Alright, you have enough money, order will be ready in ten years"
>Man "In ten years? But in the morning or afternoon?"
>Dealer: "What does it matter?"
>Man "I will be getting phone in morning"

>Man goes to buy car. Dealer says:
>Dealer "Alright, you have enough money, order will be ready in ten years"
>Man "In ten years? But in the morning or afternoon?"
>Dealer: "What does it matter?"
>Man "I will be getting phone in morning"
>tfw too dumb to get these ones

I love these Soviet jokes. My supervisor grew up in the tail end of the Union and these jokes are honestly the perfect representation of his personality and sense of humour.

The USSR (socialism in general) was often perceived to be slow to get anything done. The joke is in a Capitalist system there would be a rival phone company who you could go to, but in the USSR, tough shit, you have to wait for the state phone company, no matter how slow they are.

The man has already applied to be on the waiting list for a phone, and it's coming 10 years from now

The joke is that the guy arranged to make it look like there was a bug in the room, but it turns out there actually was a bug in the room and he saved his ass with his prank.

During the cold war, Czech was a "Communist" country. Even though they were communist, the people didn't act like it. The USSR told the Czech president to be more communist to set an example to the rest of the world. He was like "sure, whatever" and kept doing what he was doing. So the USSR decides to invade Czech and force them to be more Communist. At the time, Czech had a radio show everyone listened to. It ended at midnight. So the USSR army waited at the border until midnight to invade, as to not warn the people. What they didn't realize was that when you cross the border into Czech, you cross a timezone. So while it was midnight in USSR, it was still 11pm in Czech. The radio warned people of the invasion and the President asked for no violence. The people of Czech went around and took down all the road signs in the country.

USSR army would March into a town and ask...

USSR: what town is this?

Townspeople: This is Little Town

USSR: This town is not on the map

Townspeople: yes, it is a very small town

USSR: which way to Prague?

Townspeople: just travel east.

So the USSR army would March east and enter another town.

USSR: what town is this

Townspeople: oh this is Little Town

USSR: but we were just in Little Town

Townspeople: That was West Little Town, this is East Little Town

USSR: oh, where is Prague?

Townspeople: just travel west, you can't miss it.

The Czech people had the USSR army marching around the country side for 3 days trying to find Prague.

>Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it possible to build communism in Switzerland?
>Radio Yerevan answered: In principle yes, but why? What has Switzerland ever done to you?

>Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
>Radio Yerevan answered: We don't answer questions related to agriculture.

>Radio Yerevan was asked: What is the greatest achievement of Soviet agriculture?
>Radio Yerevan answered: Sowing in the USSR and harvesting in America

>Radio Yerevan was asked: What will be the results of the next elections?
>Radio Yerevan answered: Nobody can tell. The results of the next elections were stolen yesterday from the offices of the Central Committee of the USSR.

Radio Yerevan was asked: What is a Soviet musical duet?
Radio Yerevan answered: A Soviet musical quartet after touring abroad.

Poll in Soviet newspaper:

1. Who is your favorite person in history?
2. Why Lenin?

youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

Lost, best ones yet

I only remember one, and even that incorrectly

What machine doesn't make banging noises or belch black smoke? A Soviet-made black smoke and banging noise machine

quality thread lads

>The joke is in a Capitalist system there would be a rival phone company who you could go to, but in the USSR, tough shit, you have to wait for the state phone company, no matter how slow they are.

Not always. There's an old, old Israeli joke that has a reporter interviewing Methusaleh (Who, if you believe your Bible, lives to be 969, the oldest guy mentioned), and it goes, roughly (hard to do exact translations from Hebrew to English)

> Reporter: Methusaleh, you're 969! How do you do it? What's your secret?
> Methusaleh: I refuse to die while one thing is owed to me, I'll live to collect!
> Reporter:What? Does someone owe you money? Who is it?
>Methusaleh: I'm waiting for them to install my telephone.

>>Radio Yerevan was asked: “Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia. Do you have a sea?”
>>Radio Yerevan answered: “To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture.

brutal

Three men are sitting in a cell at Lubyanka. One asks another

"What are you sitting for?"

"I criticized Karl Radek. And you?"

"I supported Radek's ideas and wrote an essay in his defense."

The third man sits with a hanged head and sobs quietly. They ask him.

"Hey you, what are you in for?"

Holding back the tears, he replies "I AM Karl Radek"

>in a Capitalist system there would be a rival phone company who you could go to
>he doesn't know that AT&T used to be a monopoly

reminds me of
>Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of the GDR and Austria are introduced. Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!" The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

>my fellow americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw russia forever
>we begin bombing in five minutes
why was reagan so based

time for islamic jokes

>Once a Bektashi dervish entered a mosque and started to make a dua out loud, “O Allah, I would like you to give me a bottle of raki.” Next to him was praying a pious Sunni who upon hearing the request exclaimed, “Don’t you have anything other than this to ask of God? You know very well that raki is prohibited by the Shari'ah!
>“But what should I ask for then?” exclaimed the dervish candidly.
>“Well,” said the man, “you could start by asking for Allah’s forgiveness.”
>The dervish got up and called out, “Aren’t people supposed to pray for what they don’t have? As for me, I have Allah’s Mercy and Compassion. But what I don’t have is a nice bottle of raki!”

>One day the Sunni friends of a Bektashi dervish insisted that he go to the mosque to pray the Friday prayer. As he took his seat in the congregation the hodja spotted him. Wanting to embarrass the dervish, the hodja began to lecture on the evils of alcohol. He began describing in detail all of the natural and religious reasons why drinking any alcohol at all is bad. To prove a point that even animals won’t drink liquor the hodja asks “If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of raki in front of a donkey, which will it drink?”
>Someone in the crowd answered, “The water of course.”
>“Why so?” enquired the hodja.
>Unable to hold himself, the Bektashi exclaimed “Why so? Because it’s a donkey!”

A man walks out of a Moscow market
"No eggs, no milk, no potatoes, no meat!"
A police officer hears him and says:
"Quiet or I will hit you with my gun!"
"No bullets too?"

These are fucking great.

>A 15 year old poster on Veeky Forums is the one who wrote a joke that's been going around since the Cold War

...

- What do you think of our country, comrade?
- I think the same as you do, comrade policeman.
- Then I have to arrest you!

A Texan farmer was showing out his farm to a Russian guest.
- My farm is so large that it takes 10 days to drive around it!
- We too have such cars back in Russia.

Happened back in Stalin's days: every morning a man would come to a local newsstands and buy Pravda. After taking a look at its front page he would throw the magazine away. The newsboy was rather perplexed by this and one morning he asked:
- Excuse me, but every morning you come here and buy a Pravda only to throw it away without reading it. Is there any reason why you do so?
- I'm only interested in the front page, said the man. You see, I'm waiting for a certain obituary.
- But the obituaries aren't on the front page, said the newsboy.
- Trust me, this one will be, answered the man.

>A Bektashi undertook a voyage on a sailing ship, like those of olden times. Once the ship had reached the open sea a storm rose and caused the ship to rock violently to and fro. The Bektashi became petrified. Of all the passengers on the ship he was perhaps the most afraid. Also on board was a hodja, and as is their habit, he began to engage the Bektashi in a conversation about faith.
>“Why do you fear my friend?” asked the hodja. “Don’t you know Allah is the Most Generous of the generous?”
>“That’s exactly why I’m terrified,” cries out the Bektashi. “He’s so generous that He can feed the fish with our corpses!”

>One day, a Bektashi decided to go to the mosque. Not having found a place to attach its donkey or somebody with whom he could entrust it, he left it in front of the mosque saying: “My God I entrust my donkey to You.” When he came out of the mosque, he could not find his donkey.
>“Alright!” he shouted, “who just prayed for a donkey? Cause Allah gave him mine!”

>One day a peasant and a Bektashi baba were sitting on a wall. “Why isn't our earth very level?” asked the man. “There are hills and valleys, mountains and fertile plains, and boulders that block our way. In certain places it snows, in others it’s dry; and still other places are covered with jungles.”
>The baba answered, “What do you expect for six days work?”

Bektashi jokes are pretty damn great. So are the Nasreddin Hodja ones.

>A Bektashi was in a mosque one day listening to the hodja give a sermon. He was half asleep when the hodja began talking about the pure virgins that awaited the faithful in heaven.
>When he heard the word heaven, the Bektashi came to himself and asked the hodja excitedly,
>"Hodja efendi will wine and raki be served to the faithful in heaven?"
>The hodja became furious and shouted back,
>"You pagan, what do you think heaveis... a tavern?!"
>The Bektashi replied likewise,
>"Hah! What do you think heaven is... a whorehouse?!"

SAVAGE

>One day, a Bektashi dervish went to listen to the mosque to hear a sermon. In that particular sermon the imam explained the evils of alcohol. It was said - he explained - that those who drink alcohol in this life will have to pass over the Bridge of Sirat with all the bottles they had consumed hanging about their necks.
>The Bektashi interjected, “O dear teacher! These bottles that are to be hung around our necks, will they be empty or full?”
>The imam thought for a moment. Coming to the conclusion that it would be even harder for one to keep one’s balance on the bridge with full bottles, he said, “Of course they will be full.”
>The Bektashi exclaimed, “Remarkable! That means we’ll have as much pleasure in the next life as we have here!”

>A Bektashi baba was on a boat with an imam once. The imam asked the baba, “Do you know how to recite Surah al-Fatihah?” “No,” replied the baba, “I never learned.”
>“Look at you,” said the imam. “A man who hasn’t yet learned this basic thing! You’ve wasted half your life!
>“Eyvallah!” the baba replied.
>After sometime the boat sprang a leak and it began to sink.
>As the imam started to panic, the baba said, “O hoja! Do you know how to swim!”
>“No!” exclaimed the imam, “I never learned!”
>“Well, it looks like you’ve wasted your whole life!”

>Radio Yerevan was asked "Why is it that Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?"
>Radio Yerevan answered: "In Lenin's time, Russia was only ankle deep in shit.
simple but made me laugh

u.cs.biu.ac.il/~schiff/Net/front.html
Here's a bunch of Nasreddin jokes, in illustrated form. Some are good, some are not. We Are Even's one of the greats, though.

After Gagarin made his orbit around earth a Ukrainian farmer ran out and told his neighbor "The Moskals [Russians] went to space!"
He responded "All of them?"
"No just one of them"
"Dammit tell me when all of them go."